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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to raise a concern about childcare arrangements

56 replies

TabithaTwitchett · 13/02/2008 23:21

My in-laws wanted/offered to look after DD one day a week, which was and still is much appreciated. However since they live an hours drive away they have been picking her up and then taking her back rather than stay in our house. I have not been comfortable with dd being on the road for 2 hours every week at rush hour for no apparent reason. I have said nothing for months but when dh raised it last week there was a big deal made of it and they are now in a huff with me. I am grateful for help but would rather have her in nursery 2 minutes walk away than travel two hours. They had previously indicated they would watch her at our house but now think it is too long a day. Can I have some objective advice?

OP posts:
hana · 13/02/2008 23:23

I think you're being unreasonable. - the apparent reason is that your inlaws want to look after her. So much so, that they are spending 4 hours driving. It's only for one day as well.

Neverenough · 13/02/2008 23:24

YANBU-but I have to concede that they are doing you a favour and there may be reasons why they prefer to be in their own home with her-I guess communication is the key-I would get your DH to talk to them again, it is not unreasonable for you to want her in her own home though-that's a long time in the car.

Original poster
TabithaTwitchett · 13/02/2008 23:27

I know they want to look after her that day, but I would think that it is not in her best interests to be traipsed two hours at the worst times of day when they can quite easily stay at our place. I just don't understand how anyone can think that is preferable.

OP posts:
hana · 13/02/2008 23:29

They probably like having her around their own place for one day - laughing, giggling, all the things that young children do, livens up a place! And they are old(er) so like being in their own place too . I know this as my mum looks after my brother's children at her house 2 dyas a week and sil doesn't see why she won't go to their house....
IKt hink you have to look at the fall out that would happen if arrangements changed versus the one day a week they look after your dd. is it worth it?

Clarinet60 · 13/02/2008 23:29

YANBU. I wouldn't be keen on that either.

hana · 13/02/2008 23:30

oops, meant to add, and if it is worht it, then you need to have that conversation about y our concerns - it's your dd afterall

PeachesMcLean · 13/02/2008 23:30

You'd rather have her in nursery with paid staff than spending the day with her grandparents?

If my in laws were prepared to take that amount of time travelling to spend time with DS, I'd be delighted.

As for a long time in the car.... Once a week we used to go to DH's grandad's for sunday lunch. It was nearly an hour each way. But DS got to spend time with his family and grandad isn't around anymore.

Quattrocento · 13/02/2008 23:31

YABU I think

If you are paying, you get to call the shots

If it is free, you smile and accept the favour and the terms on which it is given

So erm, pay for it or shut up

Original poster
TabithaTwitchett · 13/02/2008 23:32

They are doing us a favour which I do appreciate. Apart from my concerns with the unnecessary travelling she screams her head off whenever she sees them and I am trying to bundle her in a car. So apart from my safety concerns I am really upset and having to go to work (she is my first so have some leniancy!) She is 13 months btw and has been the same for 4 months.

OP posts:
PeachesMcLean · 13/02/2008 23:35

Ah now that sounds like a different issue. She's upset that you're not there, so presumably she'd be the same whoever you left her with. I remember seeing children crying like that at DS's nursery.

Have the grandparents tried having her for a day at your house? Does it make a difference to your DD's reaction?

Original poster
TabithaTwitchett · 13/02/2008 23:36

I would rather pay tbh and know she is down the road and not on motorways with loony drivers and someone unconfident behind the wheel. I have said we will make an effort as a family to ensure we get to meet up at weekends (they have said the drive is too long and tires them). Whenever I have seen them they have had faces like fiddles when they have been looking after her, whether at my home or theirs, so maybe there is a bigger issue?

OP posts:
Original poster
TabithaTwitchett · 13/02/2008 23:39

Peaches - she doesn't cry at nursery but always at them. She has seen them loads but is afraid of people wearing glasses for some reason.

OP posts:
bookwormmum · 13/02/2008 23:40

they might be tired after caring for her all day, hence the long faces or they hate saying goodbye.

I'm guessing they feel more comfy in their own home with their own things around them. Older people are sometimes apprehenive being in oteher people's houses and using baby equipment they may not have used before. Just a guess.

Original poster
TabithaTwitchett · 13/02/2008 23:47

There may be many reasons that they have a problem. However, I am not comfortable in having dd trailed round the countryside once a week in peak traffic. Therefore I have proposed to dh that they either stay here on the day they want to look after her or we make a point of them spending time with them at the weekend. I am quite happy to spend extra money on nursery, that is not the issue - my issue is the travelling and unnecessary risks it exposes.

OP posts:
Original poster
TabithaTwitchett · 13/02/2008 23:48

apart from the spelling and grammar hope you got the gist!

OP posts:
PeachesMcLean · 13/02/2008 23:48

So does DH agree that it's the travelling which is the problem? In that you think that's what's making her upset?
What does he make of the whole situation and has he suggested that they stay at your house whilst looking after her? What did they say to that?

Questions, questions...

Original poster
TabithaTwitchett · 13/02/2008 23:52

DH is not as neurotic as me but is not entirely happy with the current arrangements. They have said they will stay here sometimes if they can arrive later, by that they mean after 9am, and I can get a taxi to work. I wish I could start so late but I am off Mondays and cannot roll in at 10 on the next day (plus it is over 20 pounds in a taxi)

OP posts:
HarrietTheSpy · 13/02/2008 23:55

I don't totally understand - sorry it's late and I'm knackered.

They think it's more inconvenient to look after her in your place than to drive an hour each way back to theirs? Twice in one day?

Then they have long faces at the end of the day after looking after her? Did they do this after you spoke to them or all the way through?

If it's the latter, it sounds to me like it's time to call it a day. A strange arrangement overall(and I agree tiring for DD, although less convinced by the danger, but I have obviously never driven w/your inlaws!!). I think you're best sorting out childcare near your house and then, as you say, making an effort to see them at the weekend when they can just enjoy her company.

Shame about hte glasses!! common though.

madamez · 13/02/2008 23:57

SOunds a bit like both sides (ie you and your PIL) are not happy with the current arrangments and looking for a way to put a stop to it. Might be best if you arrange nursery care for your DD and book family time with them at somewhere in between your two houses. Best of luck.

seeker · 13/02/2008 23:58

I don't think an hour each way in the car is too long (but I live in the country so everywhere is a drive away) - and I would, all other things being equal rather have my dc's being looked after by a grandparent than a nursery. However, it does seem as if you have other concerns - are you bothered about the sort of care she's getting from your ILs?

seeker · 14/02/2008 00:00

I think it's a matter of point of view - to me and hour isn't "being trailed round the countryside" it's a normal sort of journey!

PeachesMcLean · 14/02/2008 00:03

The taxi option is presumably to get you there quicker as they arrive later...?

Not quite sure why they need to arrive later if they're staying at yours all day. Seems a little unhelpful.

Complicated, and I need to go to bed sorry. Will look in tomorrow evening. hope you get it sorted.

PeachesMcLean · 14/02/2008 00:04

Seeker, from what tabitha says, i'm guessing it's the 2 hours of travel which is making her daughter upset.

Original poster
TabithaTwitchett · 14/02/2008 00:05

Thanks for the responses - I am a bit protective so wanted some honest opinions.

Seeker - if the drive was ok maybe I would be less concerned but it is through major roads and motorways at their busyist(sp?) and they are awful at the best of times. I am sure she is well looked after, just doesn't take too kindly to glasses and being taken away at 7 in the morning!

Harriet - they never seem pleased, maybe only when I am at work!

Madamez - I can't believe they want a 200 mile drive either but seem to be insistent now it has been mentioned.

OP posts:
bellabelly · 14/02/2008 00:22

So it is 2 hours travelling for your dd but actually 4 hours travelling for them? an hour to yours to pick her up, an hour to drive your dd back to theirs and then same thing in reverse at end of the day? That is MAD!!! Get your DH to bribe them into trying a day at yours - I BET they'd prefer it if they give it a try.