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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to raise a concern about childcare arrangements

56 replies

TabithaTwitchett · 13/02/2008 23:21

My in-laws wanted/offered to look after DD one day a week, which was and still is much appreciated. However since they live an hours drive away they have been picking her up and then taking her back rather than stay in our house. I have not been comfortable with dd being on the road for 2 hours every week at rush hour for no apparent reason. I have said nothing for months but when dh raised it last week there was a big deal made of it and they are now in a huff with me. I am grateful for help but would rather have her in nursery 2 minutes walk away than travel two hours. They had previously indicated they would watch her at our house but now think it is too long a day. Can I have some objective advice?

OP posts:
nametaken · 14/02/2008 12:40

YANBU - 2 hours is too long for a child to spend being strapped into a car. She must be bored witless. Put your foot down on this issue or believe me, your in-laws will walk all over you.

Only accept help from family if you actually feel it's the right thing to do - don't ever accept help just because its free. Just stump up the cash to have her minded elsewhere. It won't be long before she goes to school and then your childcare costs will reduce a lot.

flossish · 14/02/2008 12:42

Sorry but IMO if they are caring for your child you have to go along with how they want to play it. If your not happy and not open to discussing it then I would make other arrangements. Does seem odd though.

Desiderata · 14/02/2008 12:44

It depends on the child. My ds will happily spend hours in the car. I would have thought it was more important for her to spend time with her grandparents than an extra stint in nursery, which presumably you would be paying for.

LyraSilvertongue · 14/02/2008 12:49

I wouldn't be happy for DS to be whizzing up and down the motorway either.

btw, what does 'faces like fiddles' mean?

Blu · 14/02/2008 12:49

I would fel as you do, Tabitha.
And I certainly wouldn't want to do a four hour return drive to take on childcare! Maybe they have taken on more than they bargained for.

Desiderata · 14/02/2008 13:00

'Just stump up the cash to have her minded elsewhere.'

I despair sometimes.

seeker · 14/02/2008 13:39

Why on earth does anyone object to an hour in the car? My two always liked travelling with someone to chat to, cds to listen to, cranes to watch out for - what's the problem?

LyraSilvertongue · 14/02/2008 13:43

The problem is the rush-hour motorways and nervous-driver parents in law.
I don't mind my two being in the car with me, I do mind them being in the car with someone else, especially if that person is not a confident driver.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 14/02/2008 13:43

My children used to be frightened of glasses and MIL used to take them off when she could.

Someone who you don't feel is a confident driver is spending 4 hours a day driving your child on busy roads. I think you need to change this arrangement.

Limara · 14/02/2008 13:47

TT, If I was in your position, I wouldn't want my dc's in the car for that long at peak times either. People rushing to & from work and your in laws with a precious cargo?

All this worry when dd could be at home more safe than sound?

FairyMum · 14/02/2008 13:49

YANBU
I would feel the same, but I think the bestthing would be for them to keep looking after her in your home. Its great if she can build a close relationship with her grand parents I think.

bozza · 14/02/2008 13:50

I think it is very common for grandparents to prefer to mind grandchildren in their own home. Also if they do stay at your house, then that is the entire day given over to looking after DD which adds up to quite a commitment when it is every week. So they can't do things like shopping or gardening or whatever - bearing in mind that there are two of them and your DD will nap.

OTOH I can see where you are coming from and it does seem like a long day for your DD. However I don't quite understand the timings of it all. Are you saying your ILs leave home at 6am to get to you to take DD back at 7am. Would the nursery be open at that time?

tori32 · 14/02/2008 13:52

It depends on the age of dd. Baby I wouldn't have a problem with really as they would only be sitting elsewhere IYSWIM. Toddlers need to beable to move about more, so would find it boring every week doing this. How old is dd?

Bouncingturtle · 14/02/2008 14:10

I don't think YABU about them going back to theirs, but you are about the nursery.
I think it would be better for your dd and your PILs to stay at yours because
a) Would only be doing one round trip so saving fuel
b) 2 extra hours for them to play with your dd
c) Not having to transport loads of stuff and worry about forgetting things
d) Dd would be happier in her own home.

Can you suggest to them places near your home they could take your dd?

BTW I would pass these suggestions onto your DH to deal with - they are HIS parents.

sdr · 14/02/2008 14:30

The 2 hours is a pain, but a whole day with grandparents is so valuable. My MIL looked after my DD at that age and because my MIL didn't drive spent 1 hour in car every day. They are now very close. How about a compromise of 1 week at yours and next week at theirs?

noughty · 14/02/2008 14:38

Good compromise SDR! Sounds like a plan

Original poster
TabithaTwitchett · 15/02/2008 20:59

Sorry I haven't replied sooner, I have been absolutely manic at work and only seen dd for about half an hour since Tuesday which isn't good. I suggested a compromise of one week here and one at theirs even though I am not completely happy with it but they don't really want to do that. We have suggested places to go with DD as we live in quite a nice area but they don't seem particularly interested.

I agree that it is good for DD to spend time with them but surely I have to be happy(ish) with the arrangement aswell, as they are not doing it because we can't afford nursery but that they wanted to look after dd. I don't know what they are doing this week, dh seems reluctant to ask them.

Btw 'faces like fiddles' is probably just a daft geordie expression for looking as miserable as sin!

OP posts:
llareggub · 15/02/2008 21:10

But their travelling is completely bonkers. Why on earth would they make all those unnecessary journeys? My PIL look after DS twice a week, and they mostly knock around our house. My FIL has taken over our garden, which I think presents more of a challenge to him than his own, immaculate garden.

Now that the weather is better they take him out and about, which they all enjoy. Sometimes they go back to their own place but presents cot, highchair and toy problems, but at least they can potter about there and get their own chores done.

Tricky really. I don't think I'd like to spend a day in someone else's house on a regular basis. I try and make it easier for them by buying biscuits, cakes, magazines etc that they like, even the Daily Mail (!) so it is more like home for them. Do you provide that sort of thing?

Original poster
TabithaTwitchett · 15/02/2008 21:16

We try our best to make it comfortable. We tidy, buy nice things in from M&S, get magazines in that I know they like. We have Sky so there is stuff to watch on the tv and put out DVD's of tv shows they like out. I know it's not the same as being at home though.

OP posts:
alfiesbabe · 15/02/2008 22:41

I'm a little confused about this. What exactly are the 'safety' issues?
If you're concerned about your parents driving skills, then it's quite simple - don't let them drive your kids (or you!) anywhere. But if they are perfectly sensible drivers, then you're being neurotic.
I can understand why you might prefer a nursery, particularly as your dc gets older - I would feel the same because I think children thrive on interacting with other youngsters. Going to see grandparents should be a special, exciting thing, and if it becomes a regular childcare thing, then there's a danger of losing that special quality. So I think it's entirely reasonable to want to make a different choice about childcare, but I think it's unreasonable if you want her with grandparents to complain about them taking her to their house. After all, it's them doing the driving, not you!!

MadamePlatypus · 15/02/2008 22:56

I know this isn't really the issue, and you can't do much about it, but if I am at home with my children, I want to potter around doing things with them - gardening, cooking, cleaning the floor, changing the beds and playing in the sheets. I wouldn't really want to be watching TV.

MadamePlatypus · 15/02/2008 22:57

(Nothing against them watching TV, just trying to point out the things that its difficult to do in somebody elses house).

alfiesbabe · 15/02/2008 23:00

Agree Madame. I was a little confused about the getting magazines in and having sky tv comment. Sounds like the child would be better off having the stimulation of nursery tbh.

Original poster
TabithaTwitchett · 15/02/2008 23:07

MadamePlatypus - they are welcome to potter around cleaning in my house! MIL likes cleaning and wants to do it when she is here anyway - her house is always spotless and she likes to help. I think it is FIL who is raising the objection to staying here. I do not mean they need to watch tv, juts answering someone elses point that we do try to make our home as comfortable as possible. We are walking distance to town, so there is lots to do outside of the house. We don't have a garden, but neither do they so that isn't the issue.

Alfiesbabe - the safety issue is taking a baby out on the motorways for two hours during rush hour when there is no real need. I may be neurotic, but don't feel comfortable with this!

OP posts:
alfiesbabe · 15/02/2008 23:15

oh right, i see. I assumed there was a problem with their driving, as you seem quite happy with the idea of driving to and from grandparents at the weekends.
In your position I would definitely use a nursery - but as I said, I believe most children of this age thrive on interacting with other children, so your dd would benefit more from going to nursery and still getting to spend time with her grandparents at weekends.