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Original poster

I don't think I'm glad my sex offender sibling is dead

90 replies

nakechange · 04/04/2023 20:50

The thread about PS has been making me think.

Some years ago my sibling was charged with non contact online child sex offences. He was found to have 1000s of images of children in all categories across all his internet enabled devices. He completed suicide a few days after he was charged.

He never told me about the charges. I found out after his death as there was bail paperwork in his home which detailed the charge. Although he was never convicted, the information I now have makes me 100% sure he committed these offences.

I have children of my own. I'd never have allowed any form of contact with them. I'd protect them.

I still wish he was alive.

I often wonder about what relationship I would have with him had he not completed suicide. I'm sure I would have visited him in prison. I'd have wanted to understand why he committed these offences, and what if anything could have prevented this behaviour. There are so many questions. I'd like to think I could separate the offence from the person. He was more than just a child dec offender. I can't accept that offenders should be ostracised from society for life, however know I would protect my children from them.

Is my thinking skewed? Most on that thread would think so, even call me scum. Maybe I just need more therapy!

OP posts:
CheersForThatEh · 05/04/2023 18:27

He did it because he was a paedo.

If you wouldnt be happy for the images to have been your kids then you dont have a leg to stand on.

He did you all a favour by not making you make that choice.

He could have more easily googled "therapy" than what he did.

HatchedInALaboratory · 05/04/2023 18:29

Well I’ll be glad when my abuser is dead and I’m glad to hear there’s one less out there.

neilyoungismyhero · 05/04/2023 18:34

nakechange · 04/04/2023 20:50

The thread about PS has been making me think.

Some years ago my sibling was charged with non contact online child sex offences. He was found to have 1000s of images of children in all categories across all his internet enabled devices. He completed suicide a few days after he was charged.

He never told me about the charges. I found out after his death as there was bail paperwork in his home which detailed the charge. Although he was never convicted, the information I now have makes me 100% sure he committed these offences.

I have children of my own. I'd never have allowed any form of contact with them. I'd protect them.

I still wish he was alive.

I often wonder about what relationship I would have with him had he not completed suicide. I'm sure I would have visited him in prison. I'd have wanted to understand why he committed these offences, and what if anything could have prevented this behaviour. There are so many questions. I'd like to think I could separate the offence from the person. He was more than just a child dec offender. I can't accept that offenders should be ostracised from society for life, however know I would protect my children from them.

Is my thinking skewed? Most on that thread would think so, even call me scum. Maybe I just need more therapy!

There was a quote on Criminal Minds last night from somebody famous but the name eludes me...something to the effect you should remember people for who/how they were to you first and foremost. He was your brother for all those years so of course you are going to mourn him and wish he was still here. Nothing wrong in that IMO.

Leftwith3 · 05/04/2023 19:30

QueenCamilla · 05/04/2023 01:35

Here’s an answer to your burning question (though I do know you are lying to yourself, as the unanswered "question" is just a route to keep him present in your life):

They do it because they enjoy it. Pedophiles view and collect images of children being abused because those images give them sexual pleasure. They masturbate to it. There is no special insight that yet another child-abuser can offer. But you do know that, right?

The fate has it's ways and I had the most cathartic opportunity of being the last person to lift a glass of water to my abuser's lips as he lay dying. I was a young woman, not a child anymore. He was so emaciated, weak and moving his mouth like a fish to get some water. I really didn't want to be there. Until I did. I'm not sure if he was present enough to recognise me. It doesn't even matter. I gave him a drink of water and.. that's where I got MY closure. Not with him dying, but with me lifting that glass to his mouth. Maybe on his way out he had to face his sins after all.

Show quote history

Wow - glad you got closure! (Fellow CSA survivor here) was that because you were finally in a position of control that you got closure? (Sending a virtual hug). Years of therapy have helped me but I still can’t wait until he’s no longer on the mortal coil.

HatchedInALaboratory · 05/04/2023 19:59

neilyoungismyhero · 05/04/2023 18:34

There was a quote on Criminal Minds last night from somebody famous but the name eludes me...something to the effect you should remember people for who/how they were to you first and foremost. He was your brother for all those years so of course you are going to mourn him and wish he was still here. Nothing wrong in that IMO.

Show quote history

That’s genuinely one of the most stupid fucking quotes I’ve ever heard. The amount of men that act lovely at first and then show the real them after some time in a real relationship for a start. And much worse. Ffs.

itsabigtree · 06/04/2023 14:50

This is incredibly sad for all involved and so, so traumatic for you. You've lost the brother you thought you had and it taints all the childhood memories. I would find this beyond devastating.

However to your, should we just euthanize them? I think organized euthanasia is too problematic, but I'd have no trouble or guilt murdering anyone who sexual abused one of my children.

AlwaysGinPlease · 06/04/2023 14:55

nakechange · 05/04/2023 15:32

@AlwaysGinPlease - shall we just euthanise them all? What's the solution?

That would be absolutely marvelous yes. Not ever going to happen sadly. They are the absolute plague of the earth. I am saving all my sympathy for children. The actual victims. The forever ruined lives. The devastation these abhorrent degenerates cause.

dontbeniave · 07/04/2023 03:11

I've obviously name changed for this.

I used to work in a role where we monitored sex offenders.

I agree with all those saying they would never allow their kids near a sex offender. However this is assuming you know who they are.

I don't want to worry anyone, but there are literally hundreds of thousands of
sex offenders in the UK, both registered and non registered.

People are often surprised how "normal" a sex offender is. They generally come across as just a nice friendly person. They groom victims by being friendly!

We probably all speak with sex offenders occasionally and just don't realise!

Sugarplumfairy65 · 07/04/2023 09:59

nakechange · 05/04/2023 15:32

@AlwaysGinPlease - shall we just euthanise them all? What's the solution?

Yes. I would be happy with that.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/04/2023 10:05

Yes. I would be happy with that.

Sounds good to me too.

bathsh3ba · 07/04/2023 10:28

I think your feelings are perfectly natural.

I worked for a year as an administrator in child protection, attending and minuting cass conferences. There I learned the accepted wisdom (at the time at least, this was 2010) was that someone who had viewed child pornography was not necessarily a risk to their own family. Many would see that as taboo and even if not most had strict sex and age preferences. So while it's right you would protect your children, I don't think it's true to say that your brother would definitely have harmed them.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/04/2023 10:30

bathsh3ba · 07/04/2023 10:28

I think your feelings are perfectly natural.

I worked for a year as an administrator in child protection, attending and minuting cass conferences. There I learned the accepted wisdom (at the time at least, this was 2010) was that someone who had viewed child pornography was not necessarily a risk to their own family. Many would see that as taboo and even if not most had strict sex and age preferences. So while it's right you would protect your children, I don't think it's true to say that your brother would definitely have harmed them.

And I worked at a child sex offender's unit.

They might say it, but the reality is considerably different.

TheVanguardSix · 07/04/2023 10:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

TheVanguardSix · 07/04/2023 10:46

Sorry! My post reads terribly!!! Holy crap! Just read that back. Gonna zap it.

Original poster
nakechange · 07/04/2023 15:38

TheVanguardSix · 07/04/2023 10:46

Sorry! My post reads terribly!!! Holy crap! Just read that back. Gonna zap it.

It's okay. I understand the point of view. I think there has to be a better way to deal with this than killing them though! I wish I had the answer but I don't.

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