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Original poster

I don't think I'm glad my sex offender sibling is dead

90 replies

nakechange · 04/04/2023 20:50

The thread about PS has been making me think.

Some years ago my sibling was charged with non contact online child sex offences. He was found to have 1000s of images of children in all categories across all his internet enabled devices. He completed suicide a few days after he was charged.

He never told me about the charges. I found out after his death as there was bail paperwork in his home which detailed the charge. Although he was never convicted, the information I now have makes me 100% sure he committed these offences.

I have children of my own. I'd never have allowed any form of contact with them. I'd protect them.

I still wish he was alive.

I often wonder about what relationship I would have with him had he not completed suicide. I'm sure I would have visited him in prison. I'd have wanted to understand why he committed these offences, and what if anything could have prevented this behaviour. There are so many questions. I'd like to think I could separate the offence from the person. He was more than just a child dec offender. I can't accept that offenders should be ostracised from society for life, however know I would protect my children from them.

Is my thinking skewed? Most on that thread would think so, even call me scum. Maybe I just need more therapy!

OP posts:
Ktime · 04/04/2023 21:47

glasshole · 04/04/2023 21:30

Op my sun is a convicted sex offender. He too was found with illegal images on his devices etc. For a long time I really struggled to reconcile my love for him with my disgust and my sheer anger. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. We've done a lot of talking and ours come to light that that he was groomed online as a teenager into believing he was trans ( age 12-16) and he spent a few of those years on suicide watch. We knew about the trans thing but not the grooming. The adults that were influencing him were feeding him a steady supply of porn , starting with anime then hentaii and then extreme porn. He was arrested at 19 . But in part due to his autism, he would only tell the police that he did it, he was sorry etc. he thought they were his friends, even then. It was only after sentencing ( 10 y SHPO and sex offenders register) that he slowly started opening up. It's definitely helped me to understand more, and it's helped to dispel a lot of my anger and be able to reconnect with him. He was young and her made some stupid mistakes but he is not attracted to children even though we know we can never ever leave any child with him again for the child sake.

It's a very hard place to be, the family member of a sex offender and there is very little understanding about the trauma that we go through alongside the person that commits these crimes. Even the "victimless" crimes of animated hentaii/ anime are repugnant. And a lot of proper don't understand that " making images " Is simply viewing an image in your phone. If I attached a photo of a cake to this post and you clicked on it, you would be "making" an image. It doesn't mean you have a studio on your house but that's what the public seem to believe.

I am very sorry for the loss of your brother.

And a lot of proper don't understand that " making images " Is simply viewing an image in your phone. If I attached a photo of a cake to this post and you clicked on it, you would be "making" an image. It doesn't mean you have a studio on your house but that's what the public seem to believe.

Do the public believe that? I thought it’s pretty common now to know that clicking / downloading an image is making an image.

I’m afraid even clicking on an image is despicable and needs to be punished. It may just be clicking an already made image to the paedophile, but the devastation to that child in the picture is unimaginable.

maddy68 · 04/04/2023 21:50

You can love a person and still hate the crime

drpet49 · 04/04/2023 21:56

Minimalme · 04/04/2023 21:05

Sometimes people do bad shit which does define them.

Unfortunately, enjoying images of children suffering is one of those things.

What could he possibly have said to explain? He enjoyed seeing children being sexually abused?

Being related to him doesn't make you a bad person. But you need to let go of thee idea that him and his crimes can be neatly separated.

This

glasshole · 04/04/2023 21:59

@Ktime

Yes, the public DO believe that. When my suns case hit the news I saw first hand that Pele that knew him, knew US were openly and publicly debating if he had had his younger sisters posing for him and if they were all in on it with him. Shocking as my youngest was only 11. They even debated about my brand new grandchild having been concerned for him to abuse and photograph. So yes. They do believe it

Leftwith3 · 04/04/2023 22:05

Tricky. Conflicted.

I’m very sorry for you, for your loss, but not sorry that a potential ‘happy consumer’ of my abuse is no longer here to enjoy it.

TheHoodedPaw · 04/04/2023 22:05

drpet49 · 04/04/2023 21:56

This

Show quote history

I don’t for a second think that OP thinks that there’s any level of ‘neat separation’ here. It takes a single drop of empathy to see that it’s an incredibly complex and heartbreaking situation for all involved.

Original poster
nakechange · 04/04/2023 22:10

@glasshole Thankyou fir sharing your experience. I agree, finding out a close relative is a sex offender is a trauma. I absolutely do think we need more understanding on why people abuse. Its far too simplistic to write them off as evil. Its a missed opportunity to prevent further abuse!

OP posts:
Original poster
nakechange · 04/04/2023 22:14

It's not a neat compartmentalisation by any means! It's a complex mish mash of my first best friend and a child sex offender.

OP posts:
Blendiful · 04/04/2023 22:14

Honestly I think until someone's been in this situation it's impossible to say what they'd do/how they'd feel.

Objectively it seems easy and the right thing to do to say 100% cut off. In reality it's more complicated than that.

wonderstuff · 04/04/2023 22:15

I’m sorry for your loss. I think it’s entirely reasonable to wish for answers, but had he not died there’s a good chance you still would be without any explanation, sometimes (often?) there isn’t one. I speak from some experience which I don’t feel comfortable disclosing here.

I think getting yourself some therapy might be a good idea, it’s a really traumatic thing to go through and of course very difficult to talk to anyone about irl.

Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 22:18

It sounds like you are grieving for other sides of him that you knew and loved. Its perfectly reasonable for you to have those feelings. I am sorry for your loss

LBFseBrom · 04/04/2023 22:35

pickledandpuzzled · 04/04/2023 21:05

I understand.
I really do.

It's easy to say you'd cut them off.
But The person you thought you knew and loved, before their offences, is still alive in your memory.

I agree.

Be kind to yourself, op. It must have been an awful shock to you and he was such a troubled soul that he killed himself. He was your brother and you loved him.

No more to be said.

wellhi · 04/04/2023 23:53

This sounds familiar.

Have you posted about this before? About being unsure about whether or not to let your parents know about the charges?

If not, must have been somebody else.

I'm so sorry, OP. Such a horrible situation.

It reminded me of We Have To Talk About Kevin. I believe it is a book, I haven't read it but have seen the film with Tilda Swinton. Incredibly sad. Her son did horrific things....but he was her son and she couldn't leave him. She visited him in prison despite being completely ostracised for it.

I'm very sorry for your loss 💐

Werehalfwaythere · 05/04/2023 00:00

I don't think you're scum.

But I do think you're naive and simplifying the situation. Protecting 'your children' isn't the only consideration here.

How could you maintain a relationship with someone who is fine with exploiting innocent children for his own sexual gratification? Getting off on kids being raped and taken advantage of. Their whole lives changed. Many ending up with poor mental health, poor relationships, poor self-esteem and increased risk of addiction.

I couldn't respect someone who felt that was acceptable. And therefore, I'd cut your brother out no problem.

I'm sorry, but what's the point in him clogging up prison then coming out and inevitably reoffending? (They all do). That's no life for him and extremely expensive for all of us. I think he took the right decision, for once.

I'm sorry for the impact of it all on you though, it must have been very tough to process his suicide, let alone his abusive nature.

TheVanguardSix · 05/04/2023 00:14

There’s no such thing as ‘he was more than just a sex offender’. That’s what he was. That’s who he was. And he would have or perhaps already escalated. It’s awful and tragic all around. I’m so sorry for you and your family. I truly mean this, despite my harsh words regarding your brother.

I’m sad for you that you’ve had to carry the trauma of his suicide, his untimely death, your unfinished relationship. You’ll never really get the resolution you need and this is very tough to have to come to terms with. Lots of therapy and loving care for yourself is vital.
You remember him as the brother you grew up with. It’s impossible to really come to terms with the sick man he became. I hope that you can find peace.

ManchesterGirl2 · 05/04/2023 00:15

I don't wish sex offenders dead. I wish them safely away from society and getting effective treatment. If other people feel more harshly that's fine, but it's not compulsory to think that way.

Plus he was your brother. Of course it's okay to feel how you do.

BritInAus · 05/04/2023 00:45

When someone dies suddenly and unexpectedly you have no closure. It's extremely normal to want to have conversations, to ask why - even if the answer will never really satisfy any ethical/moral values most people have.

JudgeRudy · 05/04/2023 01:05

How awful for you and thank you for daring to share. I posted something on FB referring to a middle aged wife of a convicted paedophile as a victim. I was slaughtered and called a paedophile apologist, but l could almost understood her disbelief and her initially writing to him in prison and showing no anger. I do not condone his behaviour but I did want to understand, in the same way I'd like to know what goes through a gun toting madman massacring children or a serial killer etc. I need more than saying hes just evil. These are fellow humans I have no link to. I can only imagine what you must be feeling. Do you even know?
I feel your reasoning for wanting to understand is for your own sanity rather than redemption or forgiveness. Are some people are just 'wired that way' or are there pointers, things if we understood, could prevent offending.
This has got me wondering, what help (counselling) is there for people like you, victims in your own right. This must have turned your world upside down. Fundamental things you believed are now proven to be untrue. Do you now question other areas of your life, or your judgement in general? Maybe some of the 'tools' require your brother to he alive to hear you. You've the additional trauma of the suicide.
You have my sympathy @nakechange

QueenCamilla · 05/04/2023 01:35

nakechange · 04/04/2023 22:10

@glasshole Thankyou fir sharing your experience. I agree, finding out a close relative is a sex offender is a trauma. I absolutely do think we need more understanding on why people abuse. Its far too simplistic to write them off as evil. Its a missed opportunity to prevent further abuse!

Here’s an answer to your burning question (though I do know you are lying to yourself, as the unanswered "question" is just a route to keep him present in your life):

They do it because they enjoy it. Pedophiles view and collect images of children being abused because those images give them sexual pleasure. They masturbate to it. There is no special insight that yet another child-abuser can offer. But you do know that, right?

The fate has it's ways and I had the most cathartic opportunity of being the last person to lift a glass of water to my abuser's lips as he lay dying. I was a young woman, not a child anymore. He was so emaciated, weak and moving his mouth like a fish to get some water. I really didn't want to be there. Until I did. I'm not sure if he was present enough to recognise me. It doesn't even matter. I gave him a drink of water and.. that's where I got MY closure. Not with him dying, but with me lifting that glass to his mouth. Maybe on his way out he had to face his sins after all.

TheHoodedPaw · 05/04/2023 01:37

QueenCamilla · 05/04/2023 01:35

Here’s an answer to your burning question (though I do know you are lying to yourself, as the unanswered "question" is just a route to keep him present in your life):

They do it because they enjoy it. Pedophiles view and collect images of children being abused because those images give them sexual pleasure. They masturbate to it. There is no special insight that yet another child-abuser can offer. But you do know that, right?

The fate has it's ways and I had the most cathartic opportunity of being the last person to lift a glass of water to my abuser's lips as he lay dying. I was a young woman, not a child anymore. He was so emaciated, weak and moving his mouth like a fish to get some water. I really didn't want to be there. Until I did. I'm not sure if he was present enough to recognise me. It doesn't even matter. I gave him a drink of water and.. that's where I got MY closure. Not with him dying, but with me lifting that glass to his mouth. Maybe on his way out he had to face his sins after all.

Show quote history

Unnecessary.

QueenCamilla · 05/04/2023 01:40

Are you for real?!
Unnecessary?
Yeah, you bet I DO wish this (man-dick) shit was unnecessary in my life!

TBOM · 05/04/2023 02:53

BringItOnxxx · 04/04/2023 21:08

You've never had closure, I totally understand.

This. He denied you the chance to make up your own mind about how to deal with this.

Nicecow · 05/04/2023 03:02

nakechange · 04/04/2023 22:10

@glasshole Thankyou fir sharing your experience. I agree, finding out a close relative is a sex offender is a trauma. I absolutely do think we need more understanding on why people abuse. Its far too simplistic to write them off as evil. Its a missed opportunity to prevent further abuse!

You should probably get some therapy to try and process it. It's understandable that you would love grieve for your brother for the person that you knew him as. Unfortunately in cases such as these, I would say there is something seriously wrong with a person and I doubt they can be rehabilitated. I don't know enough about it, and all might not want to be abusers but I don't think they can be 'fixed'. Sorry you are going through this.

Ktime · 05/04/2023 03:13

glasshole · 04/04/2023 21:59

@Ktime

Yes, the public DO believe that. When my suns case hit the news I saw first hand that Pele that knew him, knew US were openly and publicly debating if he had had his younger sisters posing for him and if they were all in on it with him. Shocking as my youngest was only 11. They even debated about my brand new grandchild having been concerned for him to abuse and photograph. So yes. They do believe it

Unfortunately in situations like these, it’s natural to wonder if he has abused the vulnerable people he has access to in the home, not that that justifies any prurient interest.

I think you have displaced your anger on the wrong person/people.

TheHoodedPaw · 05/04/2023 03:32

QueenCamilla · 05/04/2023 01:40

Are you for real?!
Unnecessary?
Yeah, you bet I DO wish this (man-dick) shit was unnecessary in my life!

I am for real. In a really complex situation, someone is talking about their brother who died. What happened to you sounds awful too. Perhaps a separate thread might help.

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