How do you get your DC to be less fiendish about sugar and snacks?

[botheredbythis]

12 year old DS loves sweet stuff and fizzy drinks. I'm very into healthy food, and constantly push alternatives and make homemade nutritious food for every meal pretty much.

But he's pretty wilful, he's experiencing more independence, walks back and to school/all of his peers eat a load of crap - and so we're in this place where it's really hard to manage/control/steer. Telling him he "can't" is only effective so far.

I wondered how people manage this? Should we give him an allowance per week and when it's used up, it's used up? This would work for out of school stuff, but his lunch and snacks at school come off a prepaid card - theoretically, he could still sneak crap food in as the canteen tills don't itemise everything specifically.

I have 2 teenagers and a pretty relaxed approach to food. My kids are slim, fit, healthy and their teeth are good. So whatever they’re eating isn’t doing them any harm.

I agree that secret eating is something you want to avoid as it does seem to set up bad habits for the future. So try to avoid shaming him for his choices.

Has he started a growth spurt yet? Teen boys eat a huge amount of food when they’re growing. DS15 will come home from school and have a big plate of leftovers like pasta or curry and then 2 hours later will have a full dinner followed by ice cream or some chocolate for dessert. It’s all carbs, carbs, carbs at the moment.

So, we should have said nothing when everyday he wants to get a big bag of sweets, a coke, and have pain chocolats, biscuits, and other pastries at school? Just completely rolled with it?

It's learnt behaviour from somewhere. Presumably he hasn't grown up with no concept of "bad/forbidden/restricted food" and then suddenly developed an obsession.

Kids who haven't been taught there is some kind of food hierarchy generally don't go berserk when given free reign.

As he grows up you're not going to be able to police his every choice. This is the first thing he's testing the boundaries on, soon enough he's going to be tempted with alcohol, gambling, porn, sex and many many other temptations that you're not going to be there for.
How you support him to manage this first realization that he can and should make decisions about his own life is crucial. You're giving him a very strong message that you don't trust him, he can't make without your direction, and that he isn't allowed to explore and make mistakes.
You've spent the last 13 years giving him all your wise advice and guidance, taught him what's important and what's not. You've helped him learn how to learn and that is internalized; he will revert to it.
Your job from now on is to listen and be there, in a non-judgemental way, when he needs you. He's not listening to you any more, he's listening to his friends.

Can people please stop saying I'm restrictive. We have crap food here. There is always stuff in the cupboards. Always.

What's restrictive is having loads of it in the house and then imposing rules and negative feelings about access to it. It's the judgement, guilt and control about it that creates the unhealthy attitudes. Limiting the amount of junk by having some not too much of it in the house is fine imo.

I think there's truth in this. Thank you.

Yeah, because he can't possibly have picked up from anywhere else that some foods are good, some foods are bad...right? 🙄You'd have to be living in a fucking cave not to know what the difference is. The schools teach it, the kids know it. I will happily take responsibility where I think it's due, but do not tell me that I've taught a hierarchy of food and therefore that's why he's mad for it.

Actually, he's been pushing boundaries since he was about 4...but I hear you, i know he needs to work it out for himself.

@FFairislefandango
I think you are spot on.
This is a topic I struggle with and your words have made total sense to me

@botheredbythis

So he doesn’t buy the sweets but campaigns for them? So in other words he asks for them? Yes because no doubt he’s figured out it’s a potential way to get under your skin. He’s 12, he probably knows this is a way to piss you off. He’s picked up on it somewhere.

@botheredbythis

You are definitely bothered by the food issue though. He’s your son, he will know what gets under your skin.

I have an absolute aversion to vaping and my 13 year old loves to tell me allllllll about the kids who vape, where they hide them at school, who’s been caught etc. Now I just ignore him. He knows the consequences if he gets caught doing that, but he doesn’t get a reaction now.

@Easterfunbun But is it not ok to be "bothered" by this? Do I need to completely censor that? It does worry me. And he's particularly small for his age, and I feel conscious that whilst it's likely a constitutional thing (his dad was a late developer), it would help him to put more good stuff in his body than bad.

@botheredbythis

Yeah, unless your son is solely scoffing sugar you really really need to relax here. My 13 year old is only 5 foot 1. Some of his mates are nearly 6 foot. There is a huge difference here in height between friends. If your son is eating good things at home you really do need to chill.

Your son is probably just a late bloomer like mine. I’m 5 foot 8 and my husband is 6 foot on the dot. He too was a late bloomer.

Today he woke early had a glass of milk and another 3 egg omelette. He then went to nandos with a friend had chicken in pitta and chips, and after he text me saying he was in Greggs to get some doughnuts. No doubt he had a refillable coke at nandos too. He will eat his dinner later at home (good stuff) and no doubt scoff a bowl of Cheerios before bed. He is very skinny.

Good oral hygiene. To be honest there’s a LOT to worry about at this age, and his unfortunate sugar consumption isn’t that high on the list. Particularly because of his slim build and high activity levels.

Apologies if I’ve missed something but I think you’re getting a bit defensive for no reason. Your son has been taught there are good and bad foods and even if you have had a hand in teaching him that it doesn’t make you a bad parent. It’s what’s shoved down our throats and it’s difficult to go against the grain. People are explaining why the situation is likely as it is and offering you ideas on how to relax around it.

And just to reiterate..NO foods are bad (unless they’re off, spoiled or you’re allergic to them).

Sorry, yes I probably do sound a bit defensive.

I can understand why you’re defensive, having read the thread. You’ve done the good and sensible thing of guiding your son to make good choices over food, and haven’t been restrictive, all the things we’re told to do! And now you’re concerned as he seems to be eating too much sugar, and lots of people here are saying “well maybe you shouldn’t have been so restrictive” - and you haven’t been!
Basically, it’s hard to eat a healthy diet these days, especially as a teen, whatever you do as a parent.
Don’t forget, lots of people on mumsnet are very weird about food as well.
It’s not silly to restrict sugary snacks - the only overweight people I know are the ones who have loads of sugary stuff at home and don’t restrict themselves at all.

@Ozgirl75

Of course it’s not silly to restrict sugar to an extent and this is easily achieved with young kids without them really even realising. It just becomes an issue moving forward when some parents don’t know quite what to do with themselves when the reigns of control inevitably loosen in adolescence.

I’ve worked clinically in MH for years and the most fucked up teens with eating issues were the ones who’s (mainly mother) had food issues/eating disorders and was generally quite restrictive and controlling of food even with their adolescents. Lots of passive aggression and shame around what their kids ate etc. You are right in that it is a challenge to eat sufficiently in todays society but most normal teens do grow out of the stage where they consume too much sugar. Some will not, and that’s often because even at home they were simply never fed good nutritional food.

I think you are getting a scewed response as it’s mumsnet and everyone has tall/skinny/sporty kids.
Meanwhile the stats are nearly half of 11 year olds are overweight so there will be lots of mums in your boat worrying about amount of junk they are eating even if they aren’t overweight.
I volunteer at a youth activity for age 10-13 and am surprised by the snacks some turn up with on a regular weeknight. What I’d put in the occasional category. So family bags of sweets or high cal expensive Frappuccino type drinks.
I’d knock off the spends so he can’t buy snacks on way home from school when there’s plenty of food at home. Make it clear he’s not to mooch off friends.
In the hols then yes have some money so he can join in eg buy a drink after activity.
I’d do it from the we aren’t made of money and there’s plenty of food at home point of view.

The comments about the sweets and junk food not doing commenters’ slim teenage children any harm are so concerning. They might be the fortunate ones who can keep a good weight while they’re young, growing like weeds, and active in sports, but if they’re developing unhealthy eating habits as they become responsible for purchasing their own food and making their own meal choices, they’re likely facing lifelong weight struggles once they hit their mid-to-late twenties, or at the latest early thirties.

There’s an acknowledged obesity crisis for a reason, and a large reason is simply that junk food exists that didn’t exist decades ago, pre-obesity crisis.

Like it or not, treating all food as equal and acting indifferent to a child scarfing down a bag of sweets, crisps, and other junk on a daily basis is far more likely—on a statistical basis—to do them long term harm than the odds of them developing an eating disorder.

@OverCCCs

Whilst I agree to an extent there is a huge balance to be had here, what with the explosion of eating disorders running rampant amongst young people. So much so, that the NHS have now has to start implementing clinical pathways solely for eating disorders within this age category.

I am afraid that there are plenty of well meaning parents who get this approach very, very wrong with disastrous consequences. You can educate them for sure, cook healthy meals with them, encourage healthy meals, encourage them to be active with the rest of the family etc. But you cannot simply control what an adolescent eats, if you try too, you’re in risky waters.

@Dixiechickonhols

Oh you forgot everyone’s kid here is skinny, sporty AND 6 foot 😜.

Whilst I have a kid who is skinny and is sporty he’s most certainly not tall for his age.

@botheredbythis

"Honestly, he gets others to buy it if he doesn't have money. Like today, on the way home from a club (where he was given a decent packed lunch), he got a friend to buy him a Fanta..."

Omg not a fanta!!

No offence but I think this would be a terrible idea.

Your kids are 'take it or leave it' as you say. My sister was like this. However, somebody like myself who has a major sweet tooth would've been super fat within months if I'd been able to gorge chocolate/biccies with no restrictions.

Can you unpick what is important to him socially. Lots of eating at this age is social and he obviously wants to fit in. Going for milkshakes as an activity or if everyone at school queues at the 10 am break for a pastry he’s going to want to join in.
Agree to some then he’s not left out.

OP I know it's hard but trust me you're better off relaxing.

I have a lifetime of food issues, binge eating, going from underweight to obese to finally healthy - I wouldn't wish the hell I've been through on my worst enemy.

My mum thought she was doing the right thing but her healthy eating projecting and shaming me for eating sweets and rationing definitely made me have a horrible relationship with food.

Food is just food. Stop making it seem tempting and special. Let the kid go crazy you'll see in no time he will be much more indifferent.

Will read this thread in full later (sorry just read the first few posts) but I am in a very similar position with my 12 yr old DD and short of cutting off all spending money I feel like there's not a lot I can do. I don't want to make it forbidden but honestly the amount of rubbish she eats is horrific, and it's pretty cheap to buy a massive bag of sweets on her way home (or her friends get them and they share- huge bags though). She had a filling recently and was really shocked by it, but then a few days later was back to buying sweets and fizzy drinks...

So I am interested in all the answers you get but I feel a bit resigned to it, I mostly just ensure that her meals at home are reasonably balanced and healthy at least (but then she's pretty fussy there as well so it's not fantastic!).