Page 3 | "Stepfathers" in the media for all the wrong reasons

JoanThursday1972 · 2023-04-04T13:37:11+00:00

[[https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11937439/Mother-monster-boyfriend-guilty-death-two-year-old-girl.html#reader-comments https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11937439/Mother-monster-boyfriend-guilty-death-two-year-old-girl.html#reader-comments]] This story made my blood boil. What also makes my blood boil is the reference to him being "stepfather". It's a random the woman met on Facebook, moved him in after a few DAYS and then 16 WEEKS LATER the child is dead. I absolutely HATE the media calling these creatures stepfathers.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 04/04/2023 18:03

JoanThursday1972 · 04/04/2023 17:30

Absolutely. That is my point. The word Step(parent) is bandied about too freely nowadays, the media being the main culprit. It's an insult to the victims to allow these people to be called step-parents.

There was that Craig Meehan, who moved in with Karen Matthews and was called Shannon's stepfather. That creature Emma Tustin who lived with Arthur Labinjo-Hughes' father was called his stepmother. And these are a few examples only. Media, just STOP IT.

Stepmother/father is a title that has to be earned. You don't get it by chatting someone up on Facebook and moving in before you've changed your underpants.

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Craig Meehan had nothing to do with the abduction of Shannon Matthew’s. He’d also been living with her since she was 4 and him and Karen Matthew’s shared a child, so that’s different

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 04/04/2023 18:05

Eyerollcentral · 04/04/2023 17:52

Here comes the classism… Did you have a step father/do your children have a step father?

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FGS it’s not classist to point out someone looks rough

Merryoldgoat · 04/04/2023 18:06

Eyerollcentral · 04/04/2023 16:12

No, she doesn’t. The mother was neglectful. That doesn’t mean it’s her fault the child was killed. Stop blaming women for male violence. The OP wants to separate the man here out from step fathers because she doesn’t want all step fathers tarred with the same brush. But step fathers are a problem and we see that time and time again. Women across the board need to be extremely careful who they allow in to their children’s lives. Would a mentally healthy woman move a man in after one date when she has a child? No. The problem here is male violence and that includes preying on female vulnerability. The mother’s stupidity and/or neglect and/or vulnerability didn’t cause this man to beat a child to death. He caused that.

She had a DV worker and didn’t disclose her violent partner moved in.

She is as much to blame. Any parent who allows a known violent perpetrator into the lives of their children is entirely culpable.

Being a victim or stupid doesn’t make you blameless.

Eyerollcentral · 04/04/2023 18:07

Merryoldgoat · 04/04/2023 18:06

She had a DV worker and didn’t disclose her violent partner moved in.

She is as much to blame. Any parent who allows a known violent perpetrator into the lives of their children is entirely culpable.

Being a victim or stupid doesn’t make you blameless.

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Yeah she is neglectful. She didn’t murder the child though he did

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 04/04/2023 18:07

Eyerollcentral · 04/04/2023 18:01

She neglected her child. That doesn’t mean the man is bound to kill the child. Plenty of women are neglectful mothers and their partners still don’t murder their infant children or physically abuse them. This man choose to be violent. I completely agree with you far too many women move men in far too quickly, there is at least one posting on this site every night. That doesn’t mean a man is entitled to batter a child to death. Stop letting men off the hook.

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Absolutely nobody is letting him off the hook.

What I’m saying is she by law neglected her DD but in practice she didn’t do a thing about the violence she was suffering, she didn’t recognise herself as a risk factor, she stayed in the relationship after he smashed the house up and beat her and she ignored a stark warning from the mother of his last victim.

Her neglect led directly to her DD’s death - she knew it was happening and she did nothing to stop it. By law she caused/allowed that little girl’s death. It’s far more than ‘neglect’

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/04/2023 18:08

You do realise that children tragically get abused by their own biological fathers, right?

This story is absolutely harrowing and the level of desperation some women have to have a man around drives them to astonishingly dangerous actions.

But the solution for this is not to shame people who choose to leave marriages. There are many extremely sound reasons for leaving a marriage and protecting children is one of them.

I left my marriage because my ex husband (and my daughter’s biological father) was financially and verbally abusive to me and had a serious alcohol problem. How would it have helped for me to remain (and keep her) in that environment?

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 04/04/2023 18:08

Eyerollcentral · 04/04/2023 18:02

I don’t think that at all. She is a dreadful mother. There are a good many children who should be given up for adoption at birth but social services have to support the parent to keep the child. The woman still is not responsible for a man beating her child to death. Only he is responsible for that.

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She is responsible for keeping her child safe though and she knew he was beating her child, and failed to keep her safe.

Im absolutely aghast that anyone would be sticking up for her or minimising her crimes.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 04/04/2023 18:09

Eyerollcentral · 04/04/2023 18:07

Yeah she is neglectful. She didn’t murder the child though he did

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And she could have prevented it. But she didn’t

gogohmm · 04/04/2023 18:11

There's a huge difference between a person with a history of being in violent relationships moving their known violent new relationship in after one day and those saying they won't date until their kids leave home!

There's no set period but we all need to do due diligence before introducing a new person into children's lives, there's a happy medium here. There seems to be a lot of martyrdom on this thread

IceMagic · 04/04/2023 18:11

Busybody2022 · 04/04/2023 17:09

My children's father was highly abusive. I broke free when my youngest was 10 weeks, oldest was just turned 2. I did all the courses and therapy I could get my hands on to try and avoid repeating it.

Realistically I know me, I know my sense of judgement and ability to stand up for myself. I vowed that I had already done it once and I don't trust myself to get it right next time so I plan to stay single until the children are of an age they are better able to protect themselves, if for whatever reason I don't. I also have quite a strong resolve no one will be introduced to my kids until at least a year and certainly not moved in for many years.

I know it sounds extreme but as a mother you have a responsibility for child first, own interests second.

I admire your courage. I'm a widow and I know my kids wouldn't benefit from me moving some random man in. People who look down on single mums are part of the problem IMO. Women who cope alone should be respected not judged.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 04/04/2023 18:12

The poor dad standing outside court looking heartbroken.

It may because I don’t live in Wales but I feel like we’ve only heard about this story now?

Daffodilwoman · 04/04/2023 18:13

Not a step parent unless married to the natural parent.
Let’s not forget that natural fathers ( and mothers) hurt and kill their children. However this doesn’t fit the narrative.
Children are at risk from blood relatives.
I also agree that parents are often quick to introduce new partners onto their children’s lives.
I’ve lost count of the number of people I’ve met whose mother has changed the child’s name by deed poll to sone random she has shacked up with. The child then inevitably changes their name AGAIN when the relationship breaks down. Stop doing this! Your boyfriend is not your child’s father.
Give your child YOUR name. Rant over.

IceMagic · 04/04/2023 18:15

gogohmm · 04/04/2023 18:11

There's a huge difference between a person with a history of being in violent relationships moving their known violent new relationship in after one day and those saying they won't date until their kids leave home!

There's no set period but we all need to do due diligence before introducing a new person into children's lives, there's a happy medium here. There seems to be a lot of martyrdom on this thread

People are allowed to choose to remain single without being sneered at as martyrs.

Daffodilwoman · 04/04/2023 18:18

I also agree about the sneering attitude lots of people have towards single mothers and yes it is single mothers not single fathers. I grew up in a single parent household and there was a lot of stigma towards my mother and I. Lots of nasty cunts and they have to take some of the blame as to why women rush into relationships.

SunshineGeorgie · 04/04/2023 18:20

She allowed this to happen

She's as guilty as he is

AlwaysGinPlease · 04/04/2023 18:20

I cannot stand it. This why I believe in the death penalty. I don't give a damn if anyone doesn't or why so don't waste your time telling me that you don't. Monsters are constantly killing children. Both should swing.

hourbyhour101 · 04/04/2023 18:22

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/04/2023 18:08

You do realise that children tragically get abused by their own biological fathers, right?

This story is absolutely harrowing and the level of desperation some women have to have a man around drives them to astonishingly dangerous actions.

But the solution for this is not to shame people who choose to leave marriages. There are many extremely sound reasons for leaving a marriage and protecting children is one of them.

I left my marriage because my ex husband (and my daughter’s biological father) was financially and verbally abusive to me and had a serious alcohol problem. How would it have helped for me to remain (and keep her) in that environment?

Just a small note to say it takes incredible courage and not a small amount of bravery to leave a dv situation.

You absolutely did the right thing. Ignore posters virtue signalling that you should have stayed in a violent marriage out of fear of you getting into a relationship with another man who could be violent.

Violence or the perpetuators of violence carry can hold many titles - husband, son, ext. just the title step parent makes the story more sellable for the newspapers.

Regardless of whether or not if that person was actually a step parent opposed to someone you move in after meeting on Facebook two days after (aka Bf/gf)

Anyway. Rant over. Well done 💐 I know it's massively hard to do what you did.

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/04/2023 18:24

Daffodilwoman · 04/04/2023 18:18

I also agree about the sneering attitude lots of people have towards single mothers and yes it is single mothers not single fathers. I grew up in a single parent household and there was a lot of stigma towards my mother and I. Lots of nasty cunts and they have to take some of the blame as to why women rush into relationships.

I sort of agree with this and the mixed messages around this topic don’t help. On the one hand you are made to feel inadequate as a single mother and your life is immeasurably harder, on the other people (like the poster upthread) judge women who have new relationships.

That said, though, surely this guy was a walking red flag. She moved him in after a day.

There’s being vulnerable and there’s being downright stupid.

IamKlaus · 04/04/2023 18:49

Eyerollcentral · 04/04/2023 17:32

No, a woman’s neglect is not a green light to a man to beat a child to death. It’s nothing to do with feminism, it’s to do with logic. The man made the decision to be violent. She could have been neglectful and he could have remained non violent. He choose violence

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Of course its' not a green light. But she is NOT blameless. The logic here is clear..HE made the decision to be violent. SHE made the decision to give him access to her home and child.
It's not one or the other. It's one and then the other.

It's sickening that there are always those that rush to pretend the mothers have no culpability here.

SwimmingAgainstTheTides · 04/04/2023 18:50

I worked for the crIminal justice system when l was much younger and was completely shocked by the number of child abuse cases, mostly involving a step parent, and that was just the ones that had been reported and had a high chance of a conviction.
What l also noticed is that many of the women always said the same thing "He always seemed so good around them"
Trying to play happily families can have horrific consequences.

Rinoachicken · 04/04/2023 18:55

She knew he was dangerous. She had attended courses (twice!) to spot the signs of abusive partners and admitted in court that she knew he showed signs of being abusive. He assaulted her to the point she ran to a friends house with her child. She was warned by his ex-partners mother. She knew her child was being seriously i hired when in his care. She was concerned enough to want to do a Claire’s Law on him.

She knowingly put her child in harms way.

That’s more than neglect in my view. She should have been done for manslaughter.

Rinoachicken · 04/04/2023 18:56

*injured

WheelsUp · 04/04/2023 18:58

I know that on here a stepparent has to be married to their partner to earn that name but there are a lot of men and women who look after their partner's child alone eg childcare which is parenting hence stepparent being the next jump from that.

Too many children are being exposed to their parent's awful partners because they prioritize their own happiness over the child. Bravo to those who realize what their partner is like and get themselves and the kids to safety - you did an important and extremely brave thing.

Kanaloa · 04/04/2023 19:03

Poor little girl. I hope her mother faces some charges too - it sounds like even before this despicable man murdered her she was suffering neglect at the hands of her mother. And social services were aware of her too, of course. So many chances, sometimes people get too many chances I think.

Although I’m not sure what you mean about stepfathers/partners of mothers being in the news for ‘all the wrong reasons.’ I think it’s just because it’s news. I mean I don’t think my husband cooking spag Bol and taking the kids to karate and the park would be a news story. So that’s why it’s always when it’s violent incidents/child abuse/murders of children etc. Seems to be getting more common, too. Or maybe we’re just hearing more about it? Tragic how some kids are least safe in the place they should be safest.

Hubblebubble · 04/04/2023 19:06

@gogohmm as a survivor of abuse (at the hands of my stepfather) I have a statistically increased chance of revitalisation. I also understand just how dangerous stepfather can be. Its the responsible thing for me to remain single while my DS is a child. Quite frankly it's also the best thing for me, as I'm aware I have tons of trauma and an insecure attachment type. I'm always amazed at how many people think this is an extreme view, rather than doing what's best for me and my child.