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Original poster

I feel like I'm being unfair to my mum

60 replies

leaseoflife · 03/04/2023 10:15

I'm feeling so stressed. I have an 9 month old baby. I never ever ever have any time to myself and I really struggle letting other people look after her.

My PIL love looking after her. They play with her all day and she enjoys it. She's been to their house without us 3 times and she's going again today.
My mum gets jealous of this and says 'why don't you let me look after her?'

But when my mum is with her (when we are there), she doesn't really play with the baby. She will for a few mins but then seems bored. If baby starts to cry she'll say 'oh shut up' because she gets so impatient so I don't really want to leave the baby with her for hours without us there, as I'd just be worrying the whole time.

Now my mum is messaging me asking me again about why PIL are having her today. I need to do some stuff for work so I absolutely need this time.
I feel guilty as it is that I'm not looking after her today. And I get really upset when she leaves to go to PIL's. I usually cry for the first hour after she's left the house!
Now I have my mum messaging me yet again.

The very first time me and DP went out after the baby was born (baby was 5 months old and we went out for 4 hours) my mum was going on then texting me why is she with PIL and not her.
Which just caused me more stress when we were trying to have an evening out. I don't think my mum realises it causes me stress as she doesn't really see past herself most of the time.

OP posts:
Santasoorplooms · 03/04/2023 10:17

How does she know when your PIL have the baby?

dietcokelime · 03/04/2023 10:19

Can you just be honest with your mum? It might be a bit of a minefield at first but the issue isn't going to go away by the sounds of it.

Findyourneutralspace · 03/04/2023 10:19

I wouldn’t tell her when PIL have her. It clearly works better for all of you for DD to go to them. As a compromise could your mum babysit in the evening and put her to bed?

Shinyandnew1 · 03/04/2023 10:20

I usually cry for the first hour after she's left the house!

Goodness.

I would either tell your mum how you feel or stop telling her so much about your life.

Is it worth maybe having a chat with your GP about how upset you have been getting?

Lcb123 · 03/04/2023 10:20

Just don't tell her.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/04/2023 10:21

You will have yo be honest and say she doesn't seem to interact and enjoy time with DD when you've been round to visit and think it may be a bit too stressful for her.
I mean what kind on grandmother tells a baby to shut up, it doesn't inspire confidence in her does it.

takealettermsjones · 03/04/2023 10:21

"Because you don't play with her and you tell her to shut up."

Lcb123 · 03/04/2023 10:21

"I usually cry for the first hour after she's left the house!" - this isn't good, is it worth discussing with GP? This seems a little irrational given you have pointed out what a nice time baby has with PIL

neilyoungismyhero · 03/04/2023 10:25

As another Poster has said just be honest with your Mum. Tell her you don't like her shouting at your very small child and mention about her apparent boredom, it might be if she did have her she would take her out for a walk and do other things with her. To be honest you're lucky to have 2 sets of GPs happy and keen to be involved.

MangoBiscuit · 03/04/2023 10:31

"Why are your PIL having the baby again? Why I am not looking after her?"

"Because they don't tell my 9 month old baby to shut up when she cries."

What was/is she like as a mother to you OP? I sometimes clash with my Mum, we are very different people, but I can't imagine regularly crying after a visit.

NerrSnerr · 03/04/2023 10:35

I think you've got 2 choices here, be completely honest and tell her it's because she doesn't play with the baby and tells the baby to shut up or just don't tell your mum when others are having the baby.

EnVogue · 03/04/2023 10:47

But why are you telling her OP? here in lies your problem.

justathought69 · 03/04/2023 10:50

Crying for an hour after your child leaves house to go stay with grandparents isn't healthy.

Ktime · 03/04/2023 11:12

Don’t leave your baby with DM, it sounds like she just wants to get one over PIL.

Stop telling DM details like who has baby and when.

Is it your mum’s attitude that’s making you cry when PIL have baby?

Original poster
leaseoflife · 04/04/2023 05:14

To those asking why I told her, I didn't volunteer the information.
My DP put on social media about going out and my mum messaged saying 'if you've gone out, who has the baby?'

Or when we went out for the first time on a date after baby being born, DP posted a pic with 'date night, first one since the baby', so my mum messaged to say 'if you're on a date, where's the baby?'

OP posts:
Original poster
leaseoflife · 04/04/2023 05:16

MangoBiscuit · 03/04/2023 10:31

"Why are your PIL having the baby again? Why I am not looking after her?"

"Because they don't tell my 9 month old baby to shut up when she cries."

What was/is she like as a mother to you OP? I sometimes clash with my Mum, we are very different people, but I can't imagine regularly crying after a visit.

It isn't that I cry when my mum leaves, I mean when the baby leaves.

In answer to your question about how my mum was with me. She wasn't very attentive and I couldn't cry, ever. If I cried she would do or say something to immediately stop it. Similar to how she tells DC to 'shut up'.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 04/04/2023 05:41

I don't have this type of parent but my cousin does. She treats her very much like a young child and communicates with her mum in a short, not rude but a blunt way. Could that be something you would be willing to try? So she would have responded baby is with gran and repeated that.

My inclination would be to have told your mum straight away not to tell your child to shut up. I wouldn't let anyone speak like that to my child and yours is only 9 months. Everytime she asked where baby was I would have responded with gran and then told her to stop asking. When asked why she couldn't have baby I would say because the other grandparents play with her and she is happier there. My way is probably very blunt but I don't have a problem prioritising my kids over other people's feelings. I appreciate you might not want to do this as it could upset your mum. You do need an approach that works for you though.

Motnight · 04/04/2023 05:53

Your mum isn't fit to look after a baby.

thegrain · 04/04/2023 06:31

leaseoflife · 04/04/2023 05:14

To those asking why I told her, I didn't volunteer the information.
My DP put on social media about going out and my mum messaged saying 'if you've gone out, who has the baby?'

Or when we went out for the first time on a date after baby being born, DP posted a pic with 'date night, first one since the baby', so my mum messaged to say 'if you're on a date, where's the baby?'

Well stop doing the social media thing.

Be honest and tell her why. It's the only way she has a chance to change.

PotKettel · 04/04/2023 06:36

Tbh babies bore me too but I wouldn’t tell my gc to shut up!

tell your mum, “PIL halve the baby because they don’t find it frustrating when the baby cries like you do, plus if one of them is bored or not managing well, there is two of them so the other one can take over. You can see the baby plenty when I’m around to help you put.”

NoSquirrels · 04/04/2023 06:40

she doesn't really see past herself most of the time

There you go. You know she’s selfish. Don’t let her use your baby as a weapon to control you.

For date nights, or anything your DP has arranged, tell her ‘Mum, PIL are looking after her because DP arranged it with them.’

For days like today with work, say ‘Mum, PIL are having her while I work today. I’ll talk to you later.’

Shut it down. You’ve got to stand up for yourself and your decisions here even if it’s uncomfortable and your mum doesn’t like it.

And don’t cry when you leave your baby. She’s with loved ones who love her, and you need time alone sometimes.

AuntieMarys · 04/04/2023 06:43

Tell her the truth.
And tell your dh to adjust his privacy settings

GoldenCagedBird · 04/04/2023 07:06

OP- I cry at first when I am away from my similarly aged baby. I am well adjusted, have no mental health problems, I’m just a FTM who feels like she is an extension of my body. I miss her so much at first until I calm down a bit. It will pass eventually, I’m sure, and I’ll just enjoy the break.

Please ignore everyone telling you to see the GP. You feel how you feel and that’s fine!!

but on the subject of your thread- you just need to be honest with your mum and say it’s because PIL can manage her better (and don’t tell her to shut up)

Tryphenia · 04/04/2023 07:12

thegrain · 04/04/2023 06:31

Well stop doing the social media thing.

Be honest and tell her why. It's the only way she has a chance to change.

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Yes, you or someone else involved put the information in the public domain!

NerrSnerr · 04/04/2023 07:15

You can choose your audience on FB so if your husband posts again she doesn't need to see it. That sorts that problem.

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