I feel like I'm being unfair to my mum

[leaseoflife]

I'm feeling so stressed. I have an 9 month old baby. I never ever ever have any time to myself and I really struggle letting other people look after her.

My PIL love looking after her. They play with her all day and she enjoys it. She's been to their house without us 3 times and she's going again today.
My mum gets jealous of this and says 'why don't you let me look after her?'

But when my mum is with her (when we are there), she doesn't really play with the baby. She will for a few mins but then seems bored. If baby starts to cry she'll say 'oh shut up' because she gets so impatient so I don't really want to leave the baby with her for hours without us there, as I'd just be worrying the whole time.

Now my mum is messaging me asking me again about why PIL are having her today. I need to do some stuff for work so I absolutely need this time.
I feel guilty as it is that I'm not looking after her today. And I get really upset when she leaves to go to PIL's. I usually cry for the first hour after she's left the house!
Now I have my mum messaging me yet again.

The very first time me and DP went out after the baby was born (baby was 5 months old and we went out for 4 hours) my mum was going on then texting me why is she with PIL and not her.
Which just caused me more stress when we were trying to have an evening out. I don't think my mum realises it causes me stress as she doesn't really see past herself most of the time.

Well that sounds bordering on abusive. I would tell my mum straight that you want your baby to be looked after by someone who will do it properly.

Well she's bound to be hurt isn't she. As you will be, if your baby grows up and prefers to leave your gc with the other grandparents.

You can either avoid the issue and tell your dp to stop posting on sm, or you can have an honest conversation.

But people don't react well to criticism. She is unlikely to agree that she wasn't a good mum or that she is impatient with her gc.

You should have an honest conversation with your mum. You're an adult now. It's ok to have boundaries. Telling a baby to shut up isn't normal and if she's upset when you tell her that, then that's on her, not you. From what you've said about your own childhood and how she's behaving now about PIL looking after your baby, she seems a little toxic tbh.

I don't agree on telling her. This isnt a little habit like giving the baby the wrong cereal or something. Its fundamentally how she was as a parent, you cant easily learn patience and kindness. So if you tell her she will likely get upset, claim to have changed, pressure you to leave the baby and slip back into old habits.

I'd just say something vague like it's not a competition or that you want to spend time with her as well as the baby which is why you dont leave the baby with her. But preferably I'd get your partner to avoid putting your movements on social media then she wouldn't even know.i don't know why hey keep doing it given all the shit it causes with your mum each time. Not worth it for a few likes

Tell her and be honest "because you're not interested in the baby that much and tell them to shut up. That's why you can't have the baby on your own."

Sometimes the truth hurts but it needs to be said.

It's all well and good people advising to just tell your mum, "You tell baby to shut up and don't play with her." In reality, this is a really hard conversation to have.

I'm assuming that you've never had the courage to tell your mum "no" - she seems the type to insist on being bowed down to. I could be wrong, though.

As other people have advised, perhaps limiting what you put on social media will likely help (although it's annoying you have to do this).

Do you feel like you could have a sit down with your mum and be honest about the way she handles your baby? What would her reaction be?

ughh dh needs to stop putting everything on social media

then tell your mum very little

I would have said it was considerably less ‘hard’ than regularly telling a tiny, crying baby to ‘shut up’, in front of that baby’s parent.

Ime dm's like your dm don't morph into great dgm's. Tell her your dd is yours and you will arrange child care with people who enjoy seeing dd and treat her properly..

You need to be more selective about what you post on social media and who can see your posts. You don’t have to let your Mum see everything you post. If she knows someone who knows someone who is likely to say something to her then you block that person / those people from seeing your stuff too - you don’t need to unfriend them you just change the audience. You don’t even need to post about being out to be honest, if it’s going to cause hassles I just wouldn’t.

Nonetheless, it's a hard conversation to have with a parent who has likely had quite a large impact on the way OP handles such situations with her. Of course, this is all an assumption, but it's not beyond comprehension that OP doesn't feel like she can be so blunt with a mother who would "do and say something" to stop her crying when she was younger. Childhood experiences (especially negative ones) have a huge impact on the way you navigate situations with the person who brought you up.

Are the ILs child minding while you work - if not why send baby there.
Go to DM's with the baby, ditto ILs.

I think it's fine to be honest in this case. "Because you don't cope well when she cries, and babies do cry. Telling a baby to shut up is not ok, and it shows how stressed you are getting. So no."

Be honest - tell her why. I have split parents - one parent had my LO regular alone the other doesn't. I gave the reasons why (even if I go to the toilet and ask them to watch if something comes up on tv or they remember something they just potter off and forget to watch).

I would say 'you don't act like you enjoy them and tell them to shut up which isn't what I want to leave them alone with, where X person really enjoys them and cuddles them when they cry instead of telling them to shut up'

I highly doubt your PIL play with the baby during her every waking moment all day, but your mum is horrible for telling a baby to shut up instead of providing comfort and figuring out why the baby is crying. Tell your mum you don’t want to leave your baby with someone who tells a baby to shut up.

Are your PIL providing childcare whilst you’re at work? If not then 3 days a week is a lot imo.

I agree with you, it is hard when you’ve been raised like this. But what is the alternative? Carry on and be stressed or let the baby go to an awful guardian? Everyone loses.

I get it’s really difficult, I’ve had to have similar conversations with my parents and I can even feel my chest tightening with anxiety just think about it. My parents don’t live nearby but the last time they visited we had tickets for something, so asked if they could put DD to bed. They were thrilled. Except the few days they were here before hand, they hardly made any effort with her, choosing to sit in our lounge rather than the playroom so they could watch tv 🙄 the evening came and I said I’m not going so it’s fine about putting her to bed. “Why?” obviously came next. I said, because you’ve been not made any effort with her since you’ve been here, she’s still slightly shy of you and you’re not putting in any effort to warm up to her or show me that you’re even remotely interested in her, just wanting to vegetate in front of the tv like you do every day at home, so why would I? The comments and passive aggressive huffing from them from the rest of the night was just ridiculous but I held my ground despite feeling a bit wobbly and couldn’t catch my breath.

We all have to do things that make us uncomfortable and OP needs to advocate for her child and herself.

I completely agree with you. I'm not for one second advising the OP leave her baby with her mother. I am recognising that it may be difficult for OP to say something (especially if they never have done so before). It took me many, many years of being in a place where I felt I couldn't be honest with my own parents if I felt they were out of line so I wanted to offer some potential understanding towards OPs possible feelings on the situation, in case it resonated with them.

I think you're going to have to bite the bullet

'Mum, there's a difference in how you both approach parenting my baby. Pil love getting down and entertaining her and your approach isn't the same. So I was waiting until dd is more capable of entertaining herself ..'

When you post on FB you can "share to everyone except....." and choose certain people not to see the post. I would suggest that your DP looks into this option and excludes your DM and anyone that knows her, that way she won't find out you've been out without the baby and that might give you some breathing space.

In the long term, your baby will grow into a child who can speak and they will probably tell your DM that they regularly spend time with the other GP. You may need to tell your DM the truth at some point.

"because you tell her to shut up". I think that on its own is enough.

That said, perhaps she doesn't really know how to bond with your baby because she's not had a chance. Not everyone likes "playing" but might be able to read to her, take her out, chat etc if she had a chance. Not always easy to do when you are there watching her.

you do realise it's ops mum seeing it? So not public domain but family?

I don't really understand the comments about hiding things/not posting on SM, instead of having a conversation with her mother. I absolutely get how difficult that will be, as I have
a very difficult mother, although fortunately she's
totally different as a grandparent. It's more boundaries with me I've had to talk to her about, but there have been times when she's said things to DD that are totally inappropriate - bad mouthing me etc.

You just can't let the unhealthy ways your parents parented you as a child carry on unchecked into adulthood, certainly not if they start the same traits in a relationship with a grandparent. Its likely that the reaction may not be great, but the conversation has to be had. When everyone is an adult, and especially when you have your own family, the dynamic of a parent making you feel those same feelings you did as a child needs to change. It isn't healthy for either party or for any relationship with grandchildren going forwards. Some people ease into a mature relationship with their parents, and some don't, usually the ones who didn't have particularly emotionally healthy upbringings. You'll be anxious and pussyfooting around for the next x amount of years, feeling unnecessary guilt and anxiety while your mum just continues on as she always has, thinking her behaviour is normal, which it isn't and wasn't when you were young. These behaviours are usually learned and passed down the generations, so it isn't about blame, it's about making a change for the better.

Stop telling social media you have a 'date night' - who needs or wants to know this??

We play with our grandchildren most of the time they come to us- both of us are around so there is always someone to give their attention to the children. We read, or play with toys, or make believe with the toy kitchen/vets etc, we go in the garden and on the swing we have there, we do crafts. TV often goes on for half an hour after lunch but that's it really.

Grand parenting is very different from parenting- we like to be involved with them all the time as they aren't our children and we feel responsible.

They are still young so won't be the same forever obviously but at the moment they still very much look to us to entertain them.

Maybe stop telling people how to use their personal social media. Just because you or I may choose not to post this, doesn't make us better or superior to people who do, just different. Such an arrogant stance to take - do things the way I see as acceptable or you're a dick. I don't mind at all seeing my friends post that kind of status, or pictures of their date, or whatever, and neither do the majority people who actively use Facebook.