I feel like I'm being unfair to my mum

[leaseoflife]

I'm feeling so stressed. I have an 9 month old baby. I never ever ever have any time to myself and I really struggle letting other people look after her.

My PIL love looking after her. They play with her all day and she enjoys it. She's been to their house without us 3 times and she's going again today.
My mum gets jealous of this and says 'why don't you let me look after her?'

But when my mum is with her (when we are there), she doesn't really play with the baby. She will for a few mins but then seems bored. If baby starts to cry she'll say 'oh shut up' because she gets so impatient so I don't really want to leave the baby with her for hours without us there, as I'd just be worrying the whole time.

Now my mum is messaging me asking me again about why PIL are having her today. I need to do some stuff for work so I absolutely need this time.
I feel guilty as it is that I'm not looking after her today. And I get really upset when she leaves to go to PIL's. I usually cry for the first hour after she's left the house!
Now I have my mum messaging me yet again.

The very first time me and DP went out after the baby was born (baby was 5 months old and we went out for 4 hours) my mum was going on then texting me why is she with PIL and not her.
Which just caused me more stress when we were trying to have an evening out. I don't think my mum realises it causes me stress as she doesn't really see past herself most of the time.

“She’s home alone in front of CBeebies” was my sarcastic answer to all the “so where’s the baby?!” questions. It’s no one’s bloody business.

Any woman who would tell a 9-month-old baby to shut up is not fit to babysit.

You need to tell her why you don't use her for babysitting. She isn't fit to mind the baby alone if that's the way she speaks to them when you are there too.

Additionally to that, I'd cut as much as you can from what she knows. Make a Friends list on Facebook etc so that posts don't share with her.

You should never ever feel obliged to leave your baby with someone you aren't comfortable doing so with.

She actually sounds such hard work that I'd be looking to spend as little time with her as possible, but that could be something you work towards.

I can see your mum being hurt and jealous to be fair. Not that this matters as how you feel with your baby trumps this but how about holding out an olive branch of sorts to your mum and having her look after your little one in your home? This would hopefully train mum in how you expect your baby to be cared for and if its done under your own eyes so to speak whilst you do the washing or gardening its setting it up for you to control. It might help.Its blatent though that you should keep stuff off social media to avoid anymore upset.

A useful way to phrase it maybe

"Thanks mum, but you aren't really a baby person are you?".

"Come on mum, you know you aren't keen on babies".

"She's still quite fussy, so better PiL have her as they are more patient."

They've had the baby 3 times since she's been born. Not 3 days a week.

Your instincts are right.

Dont let your mother look after the baby. Find ways of making sure your mother doesn’t find out when your PIL are babysitting.

good luck.

1. Get your husband to stop posting things on social media.
2. Recognise you are not being mean. If anyone ever told my children to 'shut up' I would be absolutely livid.
3. Tell her honestly that she doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with your daughter and your PIL do

If any of our family told my baby to shut up they wouldn’t be near my baby again. She sounds horrible.

How would your mother react if you said “well you tell her to shut up if she cries, so it’s not going to happen. “