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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want distance and no contact with this lady after separation?

59 replies

AnnBeloved · 02/04/2023 20:23

My husband and I are separated. We share 2 young children. I also have now ex step children who are DSS11 and DSS7.

My husband and I were together for 6 years and married for 4. I realised pretty early on that he had controlling tendancies. I think I was just too young and naive and lacking in the confidence to remove myself from the situation any earlier. I got swept up in the relationship, then engagement and marriage. I knew fairly quickly after we married he wasn't right for me but anyway, that's a different thread. He has now moved out and I am living in what was the family home. Divorce not yet finalised. I'm trying to have the least amount of involvement with him as possible to keep things as amicable as I can (prone to outbursts and anger when we have too much communication and things don't go his way).

During the relationship I was relatively friendly with his ex. We weren't best of friends of course but friendly enough.

Onto the actual AIBU.. since I separated from my husband, which his ex knows, I have received a few requests from her to help with different things to do with my ex step children. Their dad works away in the week so I did take on quite a bit when we were together.

For example, can I nip them to school, could I have them overnight on this day or after school on X day because she has a meeting that's ran over and so on.

I did initially say yes a couple of times begrudgingly but have now started to say no. In all honesty I don't want to be part of this situation and I want to distance myself. It leaves me open to needing more contact with my husband than I would like to have (calling to speak to the kids if he knows I have them and other things).

I just want to be free of this whole situation. AIBU to ask her to delete my number and not contact me? Our children see each other when they visit exH.

There are other things going on in my life too right now and I just don't want to deal with any of his problems on top of my own. It's just too much.

Thanks

OP posts:
knittingaddict · 03/04/2023 07:11

Ingrowncrotchhair · 02/04/2023 22:34

Who voted YABU?!?

10% of people apparently. Really quite shocked by that. Do women have to bear all of the responsibility for family life? It seems some people think so.

knittingaddict · 03/04/2023 07:13

AnnBeloved · 03/04/2023 07:06

I just don't know why we would still need to be in contact. She feels like yet another connection to exH but one that's unnecessary really.

I agree with you.

It is up to your ex to facilitate contact between his children, not you.

happyandhopefull · 03/04/2023 07:20

I don't think you need to make any big statements or ask her to delete your number. No drama needed. Just say no when you can't help out. Slowly she may adapt and ask others, but who knows what may happen in the future.

helpfulperson · 03/04/2023 07:21

Are you sure it's not because the children are asking to see you? You were in their lives for 6 years so an important person to just suddenly have no contact with.*

knittingaddict · 03/04/2023 07:33

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

knittingaddict · 03/04/2023 07:33

Ignore that last post. I misread.

knittingaddict · 03/04/2023 07:37

The children may be missing the op but it's really best if the children get used to the new situation. The op needs to prioritise her own needs and the needs of her children.

I will get my previous post deleted before loads of people read it and not my other post saying I misread.

Atnilpoe · 03/04/2023 08:23

Of course you shouldn’t have to do your ex-H’s Ex-w’s childcare for her. But I’d be careful on burning your bridges with her. My very good friend ended up in the same situation, and she and the ex worked together to get the kids together- which ended up being very liberating all round, because it cut the controlling man out of the picture. And the kids missed each other and their stepmum - until the mums got their heads together and sorted it out!

Do you not miss the step kids? You’ve known them since they were tiny?

Original poster
AnnBeloved · 03/04/2023 08:27

knittingaddict · 03/04/2023 07:37

The children may be missing the op but it's really best if the children get used to the new situation. The op needs to prioritise her own needs and the needs of her children.

I will get my previous post deleted before loads of people read it and not my other post saying I misread.

This is my thoughts. It's best all round if people get used to the new status quo. I'm not their step mother anymore and I cannot do this for the rest of time, I don't want to. Surely it's best to just get it over with now. What happens if he meets someone else? Or I do? Not that I have any plans to! It's just messy and it also makes me feel like I haven't fully gotten out yet. I really can't see any reason why it would matter if I no longer spoke to her. My ex is the children's father and they will see each other through him.

Do you not miss the step kids? You’ve known them since they were tiny?

I'll prepare to be flamed but no I don't. Seeing them isn't worth the issues that come with still being more involved in exes life than I'd like to be.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 03/04/2023 08:43

Burning a bridge is an excellent way of preventing the flow of one way traffic coming across it. Burn away, OP.

You’re not co parenting with her and thus have no reason to maintain a relationship with her. The sibling relationship can be facilitated by their father, and isn’t your responsibility to manage because you happen to be a woman.

and you aren’t required to miss children any more than you are to miss anyone no longer a presence in your life. Ignore the guilt trips telling you how you ‘should’ feel.

Xjshdvf · 03/04/2023 08:46

It’s never occurred to me that if DH and I split up that I might have any contact with DSDs mum; it very much sounds like she’s just using you rather than wanting to positively involve you in their lives. Block her and don’t give it another thought.

snitzelvoncrumb · 03/04/2023 08:49

I would be polite but firm in asking for some space. The kids can have a relationship, but it’s not up to you to facilitate it.

gazpachosoupday · 03/04/2023 08:59

I wouldnt do a big statement or anything, if she asks I would just say no, I think if you didnt have children with your Ex, blocking her number would be the way to go, but she might be a useful contact further down the line.

But I would certainly be saying no everytime she asks, or just ignoring the message.

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 03/04/2023 09:01

YANBU. I'd just block her number/social media.

You aren't anything to those children anymore - to expect you to do childcare is ridiculous.

Babyroobs · 03/04/2023 09:08

YANBU. He's got 4 kids under 11 and 2 failed relationships. Maybe he needs to just adjust his working hours to facilitate looking after them all.

Hankunamatata · 03/04/2023 09:17

I'd go middle ground and grey rock her. Politely refuse her requests, she will stop eventually.
When you feel stronger IF you want kids to have a relationship with siblings then you could suggest a meet up once a month.

Fraaahnces · 03/04/2023 09:29

A) He’s probably telling her to contact you when she’s asked him to pick up/have his kids as an excuse to be a shit parent AND contact you/get in your headspace.
B) Why wouldn’t she manipulate to keep hold of a free babysitter/driver? She is accustomed to being controlled by the twat too.

I think you need to say something along the lines of
“My kids are finding the breakup very confusing and painful. As much as I am going to miss your kids, it’s best for for me and my kids if I make a clean break. So that everyone understands my boundaries, I need you to understand that your kids are lovely, but they are not my responsibility. They are yours and exes to sort out. I won’t be picking up your kids or having them overnight anymore. Please don’t contact me again, as I will not respond.”

Morningcoffeeview · 03/04/2023 09:51

Fraaahnces · 03/04/2023 09:29

A) He’s probably telling her to contact you when she’s asked him to pick up/have his kids as an excuse to be a shit parent AND contact you/get in your headspace.
B) Why wouldn’t she manipulate to keep hold of a free babysitter/driver? She is accustomed to being controlled by the twat too.

I think you need to say something along the lines of
“My kids are finding the breakup very confusing and painful. As much as I am going to miss your kids, it’s best for for me and my kids if I make a clean break. So that everyone understands my boundaries, I need you to understand that your kids are lovely, but they are not my responsibility. They are yours and exes to sort out. I won’t be picking up your kids or having them overnight anymore. Please don’t contact me again, as I will not respond.”

Perfect. I can’t believe the bare faced cheek of the ex here.

Isthisexpected · 03/04/2023 09:55

One day you'll all be in the same room and i certainly wouldn't want to cause offence unnecessarily that could make it awkward for the kids. Can't you just explain the situation and say you're taking a step back for now? I don't understand the MN obsession with blocking people for asking for help.

Morningcoffeeview · 03/04/2023 10:12

Isthisexpected · 03/04/2023 09:55

One day you'll all be in the same room and i certainly wouldn't want to cause offence unnecessarily that could make it awkward for the kids. Can't you just explain the situation and say you're taking a step back for now? I don't understand the MN obsession with blocking people for asking for help.

Why would they all be in the same room?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/04/2023 10:26

Keep saying no and hopefully she’ll stop asking you. If you’d feel happier by telling her you won’t be doing her anymore favours and then blocking her then do that. Put yourself first, no one else will.

The pair of them sound like piss takers, you should never have been doing so much for their kids in the first place but you’ve done your time and now you’re in the process of getting free and clear and putting all of your time and energy into yourself and your own children and your future together.

Ignore the hand wringers, even though you’re getting divorced having been a step mum lots of people will think you should prioritise everyone else whatever the costs to yourself.

I hope you’re happier for ditching him and things continue to improve for you. Firm boundaries will definitely help.

Fraaahnces · 03/04/2023 10:33

@Morningcoffeeview Ex’s funeral? 🤭

MakeItRain · 03/04/2023 10:36

Just message to say, "hi X, I can't help right now as I've got lots on supporting (your own children) through the break up. Can you contact ExH in future regarding arrangements for (her/your ex's children). Hope you're well, AnnB."

Bansheed · 03/04/2023 11:26

This is tricky as they are your children's half siblings. The new status quo does need to be set. Deleting or blocking seems insane to me, in these circs. However you are no longer their stepmother.

I would just say something along the lines that you are newly single, the new roles in each others lives are in flux and their Dad needs to pick up the slack now, while you concentrate on setting up as you mean to go on.

Lengokengo · 03/04/2023 11:41

It’s not your job to parent your ex step kids.

Come up with a repeatable neutral phrase ‘ I am not in a position to be able to help (this time.)’ and just repeat it every time. She phones up and asks you to babysit? ‘ I am not in a position to help’ (or whatever you feel comfortable with). No further explanations. No backing down. You will feel guilty as you are probably a people-pleaser, but bear in mind, does anything she or your ex do please you? If not, then mirror their behaviour! Don’t be a people pleaser! Please yourself and your kids, that’s your job now!

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