Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want distance and no contact with this lady after separation?

59 replies

AnnBeloved · 02/04/2023 20:23

My husband and I are separated. We share 2 young children. I also have now ex step children who are DSS11 and DSS7.

My husband and I were together for 6 years and married for 4. I realised pretty early on that he had controlling tendancies. I think I was just too young and naive and lacking in the confidence to remove myself from the situation any earlier. I got swept up in the relationship, then engagement and marriage. I knew fairly quickly after we married he wasn't right for me but anyway, that's a different thread. He has now moved out and I am living in what was the family home. Divorce not yet finalised. I'm trying to have the least amount of involvement with him as possible to keep things as amicable as I can (prone to outbursts and anger when we have too much communication and things don't go his way).

During the relationship I was relatively friendly with his ex. We weren't best of friends of course but friendly enough.

Onto the actual AIBU.. since I separated from my husband, which his ex knows, I have received a few requests from her to help with different things to do with my ex step children. Their dad works away in the week so I did take on quite a bit when we were together.

For example, can I nip them to school, could I have them overnight on this day or after school on X day because she has a meeting that's ran over and so on.

I did initially say yes a couple of times begrudgingly but have now started to say no. In all honesty I don't want to be part of this situation and I want to distance myself. It leaves me open to needing more contact with my husband than I would like to have (calling to speak to the kids if he knows I have them and other things).

I just want to be free of this whole situation. AIBU to ask her to delete my number and not contact me? Our children see each other when they visit exH.

There are other things going on in my life too right now and I just don't want to deal with any of his problems on top of my own. It's just too much.

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnBeloved · 02/04/2023 20:24

I should add too that eldest DSS has some behavioural issues so he's not the easiest to look after which is another thing that just makes it difficult.

OP posts:
GracePooleslaugh · 02/04/2023 20:27

Not at all unreasonable. She's a CF

whumpthereitis · 02/04/2023 20:28

YANBU. You are not their back-up childcare. There’s nothing wrong with keeping your distance and focusing on yourself and your children. Don’t get sucked into anything you don’t want to do.

ProtestantsHateAbba · 02/04/2023 20:28

God no, not unreasonable at all to say no. Sounds like the other ex needs support, but that isn’t your responsibility and like you say, you’ve got your hands full already. Either just say no and it won’t be happening anymore or block her yourself. Or both.

StripeyDeckchair · 02/04/2023 20:30

Think carefully about the long term here.

These are your children's half siblings, it will be to their benefit to continue the relationship. It might be you can assist each other with child care at times.

Once that bridge is burned there will be no going back.

Morningcoffeeview · 02/04/2023 20:30

YANBU bet you she’d have a hundred excuses if you asked her to return the favour.

Morningcoffeeview · 02/04/2023 20:31

StripeyDeckchair · 02/04/2023 20:30

Think carefully about the long term here.

These are your children's half siblings, it will be to their benefit to continue the relationship. It might be you can assist each other with child care at times.

Once that bridge is burned there will be no going back.

That’s dads job not OP’s.

Berthatydfil · 02/04/2023 20:32

Can you message her along the lines of
hi x as you know Exh and I have separated. I feel its his responsibility to facilitate contact between the children. Also due to our separation and being on my own now Im really not able to help out with your and Exh’s children any longer.

Morningcoffeeview · 02/04/2023 20:36

Also - poor OP has just become a single parent and is no doubt having to adjust. It’s completely inappropriate for exes ex to be adding to her workload right now.

turtlemurtle1982 · 02/04/2023 20:36

This is the huge gamble when you blend families and there's a spilt. All the kids lose out. I take it you were a big part of the dsc lives? I wouldn't be a back up babysitter but I couldn't imagine being part of children's lives then not seeing them again, so I'd do what I could, around my own schedule, for the children's sake, not your ex or his ex.

ArdeteiMasazxu · 02/04/2023 20:42

YANBU

You need to be on your guard against CFery.

But as you've been on good terms you could try something like...

"Hi

ArdeteiMasazxu · 02/04/2023 20:46

"Hi (name)

I am just getting used to being a single mum myself now and I need to be careful with so many demands on my time. I can see us being able to help each other out from time to time with equal give and take, but it can't be one-sided. I've done a fair few favours for you since I split with (ex) and I'm afraid I can't do any more until you've had a chance to even things up"

Original poster
AnnBeloved · 02/04/2023 22:08

Thanks. I wouldn't ever expect nor want a returned favour, I'd just rather us not communicate anumore really. I'm going to compose a message in the morning!

I couldn't imagine being part of children's lives then not seeing them again

As awful as this probably sounds, no longer having to deal with this blended family stuff anymore has been one of the biggest reliefs of the split. I just do not wish to be involved anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnnBeloved · 02/04/2023 22:12

I guess part of me just feels guilty because it's not all the time and they aren't massive things and I know H is unreliable and she struggles and I do believe that's it's probably a last resort asking me but I just want some separation from the whole thing now. It gives me a pit in my stomach whenever I do anything involving her or the children now because I just feel like I'm back in this family again.

OP posts:
PeloMom · 02/04/2023 22:24

YANBU. Can you just block her number?

mosiacmaker · 02/04/2023 22:33

What is wrong with people, don’t just block her number without an explanation - block people who are harassing you not just willy nilly! That would be so horrible to do. Definitely just explain that you can’t take them anymore. If she then harasses you then blocking is something to explore.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 02/04/2023 22:34

Who voted YABU?!?

XanaduKira · 02/04/2023 22:36

YADNBU Op - can't believe she even thought it was to ask.

Ingrowncrotchhair · 02/04/2023 22:36

AnnBeloved · 02/04/2023 22:12

I guess part of me just feels guilty because it's not all the time and they aren't massive things and I know H is unreliable and she struggles and I do believe that's it's probably a last resort asking me but I just want some separation from the whole thing now. It gives me a pit in my stomach whenever I do anything involving her or the children now because I just feel like I'm back in this family again.

you owe it to yourself to do what is best for you

ArdeteiMasazxu · 02/04/2023 23:02

then in that case yanbu to just want no further contact with her. but as pp say don't just blank her.

try "I'm building a new life now and I need as little contact as possible with the old life. obviously I have to be in contact with (ex) about our children but I would prefer not to be contacted by you. I wish you and (names of her kids) only the very best but I can't be in your lives any more."

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/04/2023 23:49

You certainly don’t need to be doing childcare, or any other favours, but telling her to delete your number and never contact you is childish.

Your children and hers are brothers and sisters. How will your kids feel to know that you asked their siblings mother never to contact you?

Just explain to her that you have a lot on and just can’t do practical help - really sorry. For the sake of family relations remember the kids birthdays, send a Christmas card.

It’s a shame this guy fucked you both over, but you were and are both adults so you have to take responsibility for your choices. Your children and hers are not, and they did not ask for this situation. You and she owe it to them to maintain a civilised front.

MMMarmite · 03/04/2023 00:01

I think there's a middle ground here. Turn down requests for help for the foreseeable future: you obviously have too much going on with the seperation anyway. But trying her you want no further contact is very final. As the mother of your children's half siblings she is always going to be a figure in your extended family, so i'd be aiming for amicable but distant rather than completely no contact.

Hawkins003 · 03/04/2023 00:04

@AnnBeloved that's cold.

DandledASandle · 03/04/2023 00:14

I just wonder if there might be a time in the future where it's better to still be on speaking terms with her than not, especially with a difficult ex as the only other way to reach her.

How about giving yourself a time period when you Just Say No to all her requests? Say 6 months or something. And then decide after that whether that is enough or whether you need to cut contact completely.

When people need a hand they naturally turn to the people who helped them out last time, so you might find the requests fizzle out quite quickly once you start saying "no".

Original poster
AnnBeloved · 03/04/2023 07:06

I just don't know why we would still need to be in contact. She feels like yet another connection to exH but one that's unnecessary really.

OP posts: