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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think offering to help clean isn't being rude?

53 replies

tiredandsleeping · 01/04/2023 17:58

My daughter is very busy at the moment, she lives by herself with my grandson. She has expressed she is too tired after work and prefers to be with DS on her days off and hasn't managed to properly wash the floors in 4 weeks.

Said to her that I can come over and clean or help look after DS while she does. Admittedly I mentioned this during a conversation where she hadn't mentioned anything but that's because I needed to ensure I had a free day to offer to her before mentioning it.

She's said how she thinks I'm judging her and not keeping it clean for DS and that she is capable to do it herself.

Was it rude? I thought I was being nice but maybe it was patronising?

OP posts:

susiesuelou · 01/04/2023 18:00

I think if you specifically commented on the cleaning then yes I can see how she was offended by that. I'd have maybe offered to help in a more general way, eg. "Can I do anything to help you, like look after DS for a few hours or something?" etc

Iwantmyoldnameback · 01/04/2023 18:00

Would you like to come and clean my floors? I promise I won't be offended. X

FiveHundredDucksWentOutOneDay · 01/04/2023 18:01

You needed to wait for her to mention it again, and then to have used that to ask if you could help.

If she didn't mention it again; it was likely a one-off problem. If she did, you had your opportunity. You meant well, but missed your chance this time, and it's not a stretch to see why she felt a bit offended and judged that you bought it up again.

It's very difficult to offer to help people clean, or to look after their kids so they can clean, without making it seem that you feel they need to clean more.

GalileoHumpkins · 01/04/2023 18:01

I wouldn't have been offended by my mum offering to come round and help, especially if I'd been moaning about not having the time.

704703hey · 01/04/2023 18:02

I'd be quite pleased tbh.

Just explain to her that you weren't being judgmental or patronising and would like to help as she's so busy but it's fine to refuse.

susiesuelou · 01/04/2023 18:03

She has expressed she is too tired after work and prefers to be with DS on her days off and hasn't managed to properly wash the floors in 4 weeks.

Hang on, I think I read this incorrectly. Did she say herself that she hadn't managed to wash the floors in 4 weeks? Or did she just say she's tired after work, and you have simply noticed the floors? I'd have a different opinion depending on the answer to this.

Zipettydooda · 01/04/2023 18:06

When my dc were growing up I was also too busy for housework. A bit of tidying, dinner and cleaning kitchen and bathroom.

Other than that housework was low priority as I preferred to spend time taking the dc on fun day trips away, the beach, the park, soft play.
They survived to adulthood and are healthy so I can see your dd point of view.

I know you meant well, but if someone told me that, I’d feel pressured to spend the day doing housework when I had better things to do.

Bookworm333 · 01/04/2023 18:06

I always felt like my mum cared more about how clean my house was than how well cared for my DC were or how my own wellbeing was. I had a weekly cleaner and it still wasn't good enough for her, comments about toys being out all the time, "helping" by pointing out toys under the couch etc. It really wore me down, just the constant hints and comments. Are you absolutely sure you haven't made any comments previously to her mentioning this sort of thing that might make her react defensively to your offer? I doubt she would say this out of the blue - I suspect it's been building up for a while and this is the last straw type thing.

However if you definitely haven't then maybe she is just having a bad day, feeling a bit guilty/defensive already. I'd forget it and give her a break, can't be easy being a single working parent, especially when she's possibly a bit sleep deprived etc. I'm sure a "thank you, that's very kind" would have been your preferred answer but we're all human. Is there anything else you can do to help instead, as others have said?

reddragon7 · 01/04/2023 18:07

Wow, the relationship seems so formal between you guys lol. Maybe she’s quite stressed out with the workload and her son. But you were definitely not being rude in my opinion, and offering a helping hand as her mum x

Random789 · 01/04/2023 18:07

I can't be the only person to read the OP and then doubt whether I manage to 'properly' wash the floors at least every 4 weeks.

Original poster

tiredandsleeping · 01/04/2023 18:08

She mentioned the floors, as she called me one day telling me she was particularly tired and feeling bad because of the floors. I just reassured her but didn't want to offer anything there and then as I needed to check when I'd be free.

I then a few days later offered the help, even though that conversation she hadn't mentioned the cleaning

OP posts:

ZedChair · 01/04/2023 18:12

I'd not have been offended - I would jump at the chance of someone else cleaning for me. Perhaps it depends on your wider relationship?

SeeWhatYouGetWhenYouAskAStupidQuestion · 01/04/2023 18:14

I used to clean my son's place once or twice a week, when he worked long hours (he lives alone). He was grateful for the help.

drpet49 · 01/04/2023 18:16

GalileoHumpkins · 01/04/2023 18:01

I wouldn't have been offended by my mum offering to come round and help, especially if I'd been moaning about not having the time.

This. The daughter sounds like hard work

worried4698643 · 01/04/2023 18:18

My incredible nan used to come over once a week and clean my house when my babies were small. God I miss those days!!
Never found it rude, always appreciated the help.

Having said that, everyone is different.

sandyhappypeople · 01/04/2023 18:19

She has expressed she is too tired after work and prefers to be with DS on her days off and hasn't managed to properly wash the floors in 4 weeks.

it is a tricky one, did she mention this in response to something you said, or out of the blue?

if it was in response I’d be very careful of going any further with comments, or offers of help.

if she said it out of the blue, I’d see that as either she feels the need to justify why the floors aren’t clean, or she’s actually asking for help without asking, which doesn’t seem to be the case. Maybe she just feels a bit embarrassed about it, so felt the need to say something.

If someone offered to clean for me, I’d think my levels of cleanliness obviously aren’t up to their standard, but it wouldn’t bother me personally, I’ve got a lovely MIL who lives in a virtual showhome and I can see the silent judgement on her face sometimes.. it cracks me up!

bussteward · 01/04/2023 18:25

Random789 · 01/04/2023 18:07

I can't be the only person to read the OP and then doubt whether I manage to 'properly' wash the floors at least every 4 weeks.

I did a proper flinch at four weeks, then decided to simply not look at my floors.

IoooAINToooSAYINGoooSHEoooA · 01/04/2023 18:34

I think to mention it when it wasn't being discussed does look like you're judging, even if you're not. If she'd have mentioned it and you'd have said oh ill help that's different.

endoftheworldniteclub · 01/04/2023 18:47

I offered my mum to clean her floor. She wasn’t offended. She used to help me when my children were younger.

Carrotpuffs · 01/04/2023 18:49

Rightly or wrongly, I would see this as rude. My MIL does this - vists and spends time cleaning. She doesn't go as far as getting the hoover out or mopping but always hovering around the sink or tidying DCs toys up. It feels like she's judging me and I can't relax. I know the house is clean because DH and I spend days before getting it squeaky clean and tidy! I would rather she offered to take DC out - then I could choose whether to spend the time cleaning, resting etc.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 01/04/2023 18:51

You can come and do mine if you want 😅

Seriously though, I struggled sometimes when my kids were little and my mum would come over to help sort things out. I didn't think it was rude and I was really grateful.

melj1213 · 01/04/2023 18:52

I think the context is key - if you'd made the offer when your DD was actually talking about the struggle she was having with cleaning then it would have been seen as supportive, but by waiting days and then bringing it up out of the blue then I can see how it can come across as judgy.

Even if you couldn't commit to a specific day/time when your DD first mentioned it I think that was the time to offer. "I'm really struggling with finding time for DS and getting the cleaning done mum and I just feel like I'm getting further and further behind. I haven't even mopped the floor for weeks as I just never have time or energy!" "Oh DD I hate to hear that you're struggling so let me help. Let me check my diary for the next couple of weeks to check when I'm definitely free and then I'll come round and help you get back on track, ok?"

phoenixrosehere · 01/04/2023 18:53

tiredandsleeping · 01/04/2023 18:08

I then a few days later offered the help, even though that conversation she hadn't mentioned the cleaning

In this case, yabu.

I think if you had said “if you need any help with anything, do not hesitate to ask” at the time she mentioned it, it would have been different, but since she hadn’t and you brought it up out of the blue, I can see why she was offended.

dinmin · 01/04/2023 18:53

Maybe she forgot she’d previously mentioned it herself and thought you were judging her on the state of her house?! Either way I’d just explain it was based on her comment but you needed to check when you could do etc

Blossomtoes · 01/04/2023 18:55

If my mum had offered I’d have bitten her hand off when mine was little.

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