to think offering to help clean isn't being rude?

[tiredandsleeping]

My daughter is very busy at the moment, she lives by herself with my grandson. She has expressed she is too tired after work and prefers to be with DS on her days off and hasn't managed to properly wash the floors in 4 weeks.

Said to her that I can come over and clean or help look after DS while she does. Admittedly I mentioned this during a conversation where she hadn't mentioned anything but that's because I needed to ensure I had a free day to offer to her before mentioning it.

She's said how she thinks I'm judging her and not keeping it clean for DS and that she is capable to do it herself.

Was it rude? I thought I was being nice but maybe it was patronising?

My cousin came round last weekend to pick something up, whilst I was in the middle of wiping down my cupboards. He decide he was going to mop the whole of the ground floor for me. Was I offended? Hell no. My 76 year old comes round and cooks dinner sometimes, she’ll also put laundry on to wash for me. Am I offended? Hell no. I really don’t understand MN families - if you can’t offer to wash your child’s floor for them, to alleviate some of the pressure, then what kind of relationship do you have?

If you’d offered to clean for her out of the blue I could understand, but considering she’d called you just a few days earlier moaning that she never got time to clean her floors she was wrong and quite weird of her to take offence.

I’ve been round to my daughter’s and on occasion just got the hoover out for her or did the dishwasher and cleaned the kitchen sides. She just said mam, I don’t expect you to clean when you’re here. She wasn’t offended.

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all.

Blimey if anyone offered to wash my floors I'd be giving them a mop and telling them to crack on.

My mum always fusses about the cutlery drawer. Now I say 'oh I'm glad you are visiting my cutlery drawer is ready for a clean'. Sorted.

If your daughter is offended, even after she said she was knackered and hadn't had time, then that's on her really. Next time just ask her if there is anything you can do to help rather than being specific.

I always read your posts in a north eastern accent @PinkiOcelot. Am I right?

My Mum always pops round and offers to hold the baby / clean something. Or sometimes we just have a coffee and chat. I’m always happy for the help / company etc

@Blossomtoes haha yes!

I'd bite your arm off! You can come over any time. I can even provide tea/coffee, and a cat to pet.

i think you offended her without meaning too. By mentioning cleaning, you’re inferring by default that her house is dirty.

Next time, be more general in your offer of help.

Oh good, not just me!

Thought so, pet 😉

I really don’t understand MN families - if you can’t offer to wash your child’s floor for them, to alleviate some of the pressure, then what kind of relationship do you have?

I don’t think it is hard to understand that not all posters have great relationships with their parents, have parents that have judged them on the smallest things from childhood, and/or even parents that have the “I could do this when I was your age, why can’t you” mentality.

In OP’s case and not knowing the kind of relationship her and her daughter have, it could be as simple as her daughter completely forgot the conversation they had.

I would be grateful and happy if your DD (and have had family do same for me)but my DD (v close and respectful relationship I thought) told me I said something patronising recently and I was so shocked as wasn’t intended to be. Now sad that I feel we didn’t understand each other and have to be more guarded in future. It’s so hard to get it right! Read something thatsaid we expect to be understood according to our intentions but we judge according to actions so maybe it’s that?

Visitors who fuss about with cleaning make you feel bad, for sure. It's only ever women! They are trying to be helpful. Or is it more that they can't switch off their cleaning habit? I don't know. I never feel the urge to clean up other people's houses

Anyway, my advice is to just ask your daughter what you could do that would be most helpful in an open ended way, then consider what she says rather than making specific suggestions.

I don't think anyone's wrong - it's just a misunderstanding.

I'm often tired and might moan about something like this, but I really just want someone to tell me everything is fine and I'm doing a good job, which is the sort of pointless moan you can have at your mum.

You, kindly, tried to find a solution. Which is also entirely understandable.

Floors need washing? Who knew!

I think you did a kind thing and your dd is too sensitive. It would be different if you were offering help to a random stranger but your own DD. I'd have been very grateful if my DM offered to help me by cleaning floors or having DC so I could do it.

Given that she'd mentioned it a few days before, I don't think it was out of the blue. Lots of people with kids have a parent who will go over and do a few household bits or watch the baby whilst daughter has a shower, gets out for a bit etc. I think it's quite a supportive mum thing to do and the sort of thing my own mum would do if she was still around. Your daughter might also be feeling guilty/feeling pressure for not being able to do as much as she'd hoped, so there may be some of that in play here too.

You can't understand that all families and their dynamics are different?

You think that everyone has cousins popping round and breaking out the bucket and mop? I think that's less usual than complex mother daughter relationships

I don't think you were rude at all, but I can see why it struck a nerve with her.

If I were you, I'd just be totally honest and apologise for hurting her feelings and explain you only mentioned cleaning because of the conversation where she brought up her floors. Tell her she's doing a great job herself, and you just wanted to help.

You could be worse, you could be like my mum. When she comes over, her eyes immediately dart to all the areas of my house that require attention. I can see the judgement. She then won't rest until she's fixed all my issues. It doesn't bother me in the slightest personally, I actually love it - I know very well she has higher standards than me and I'm comfortable with that 🤣 and I'm grateful for her help! Less work for me!

But I can see why others would feel differently, obviously.

She's exhausted, stressed and defensive. I think you should grovel, and tell her that you think she's doing a wonderful job and you're very proud of her. You just wanted to ease her load a bit since you have time, you fully understand if she doesn't want it, but if she ever wants any little favours like this to just let you know.

No you're not, and thankyou for saying it and making me feel better 🤣

God I'd be delighted!! MIL irons DC school uniforms and puts a wash on/hangs it up when she watches younger DC one day a week. The first time she was very apologetic and said that she hoped I didn't mind but she just likes being useful 😂 I was bloody delighted and offered to leave a list in future! DM wipes the kitchen surfaces and does some hoovering on her childcare day, again very much appreciated!

You meant well. I think she's being oversensitive. What kind of floors does she have that she hasn't had chance in 4 weeks to clean them? If she means steam mopping wood floors then as long as she's hoovered or brushed it isn't a big deal surely?

I'd just tell her you didn't mean to cause offence and are free to help should she need it.