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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you cant say yes to a birthday party then not show up

74 replies

Birthdaysmurf · 01/04/2023 11:30

i am throwing a birthday party for my daughter. I invited my nieces their mum agreed for them to come. I included them in the numbers and paid for their spaces at the party.
i’ve been banging on anout the party, reminded her the day before the party. The day of the party no answer from her, she text me when the party was finished to say she had completely forgotten.

I am really mad, why agree, i reminded her the day before.

OP posts:
Elsamit · 01/04/2023 11:44

Wow! YADNBU. How can she "forget' when you reminded her the day before? I am always irritated when people do this especially when places have to be paid for. Tbh, it sounds as though she had no intention of coming especially as she was uncontactable on the day of the party (how convenient). You don't say how old the children are but I would imagine that neices (plural) would have resulted in one of them at least reminding their mum that they had a party that day.
I hope your daughter was not disappointed and enjoyed her party.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/04/2023 11:46

People are rude, selfish and thoughtless. Don’t invite them again.

TheNoodlesIncident · 01/04/2023 11:48

It's infuriating for sure, especially when you've paid per head. I had nine no-shows at one of DS's parties at a soft play place. They downgraded us to a smaller party room for the food part but at least they gave me three free entry tickets, which was more courteous than the parents who didn't turn up with their kids. I had one parent apologise and say their child had put the invitation in their box of precious things, so they'd forgotten about it...

One of the mums had asked if it was OK that she brought her younger child as well. I said yes, paid for that kid too, only for her not to bother. No idea why she didn't come, she never had the grace to apologise or even mention it.

It's worse for you because this mum is a relative/in law. It really sucks but what can you do?

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 01/04/2023 12:20

People are rude. If we get an invitation it is marked on the calendar and replied to immediately. We never say yes then back down if a better offer comes along. We never just don’t bother to show up and if the child is poorly on the day of the party we give as much notice and an apology as soon as possible and also still give a gift. People are rude and flakey and inconsiderate particularly when it comes to children's parties which nowadays are often pay per head in advance. I don’t think there is ever actually an excuse other than sudden bereavement or serious family illness for at least texting and apologising in advance of the party.

Sockloon · 01/04/2023 12:24

People can do what ever they like. Sorry your dd does not trump other people's life's.

Reddickyouless · 01/04/2023 12:25

This reply has been deleted

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Dacadactyl · 01/04/2023 12:27

My nieces wouldn't be invited to anything again in your shoes.

I'd be tempted to text back "well I paid for their spaces and they didn't turn up, so I'm a bit annoyed I'm out of pocket now."

See what she says back.

It's one thing if she'd texted to say there'd been an emergency, or if she'd said she'd forgotten but offered to cover the cost of their spaces. But to just say "I forgot" is totally unacceptable.

berksandbeyond · 01/04/2023 12:28

Sockloon · 01/04/2023 12:24

People can do what ever they like. Sorry your dd does not trump other people's life's.

Bet you don’t have many friends in real life and wonder why!

JudgeRudy · 01/04/2023 12:30

You ask why agree? There are numerous reasons that we can't even consider but here's my thoughts.
She didn't forget. She deliberately did not answer her phone. She didn't want to go to the party. She didn't want to deal with you.

So why did she agree? I'd say she didn't 'agree'. I'd say you were instant and she started off politely saying, really, there's no need, but you continued to insist until she said yes.
That's not a very mature way to handle things. The other option is something better turned up and again she didn't feel able to have a conversation with you.
Are you one of these people who feel they do everything for other people and are very considerate and thoughtful, one of life's givers? Could it be you do stuff that you really want other people to do for you and no one really cares/appreciates your 'help'. They go along with it coz they think you like doing it. Can you be over bearing or pushy?
Look for patterns. Either it's you or its her. Has she done this before with other people. Have other people done this to you....I'm talking complete disregard for feelings and 'ghosting'
I'm sorry you had this. It must gave been very awkward and embarrassing......and hurtful

katsue · 01/04/2023 12:32

My DS had a science party that was strictly 20 participants so there were lots that we couldn't invite. One parent asked if the older sister could come, we said yes as assumed it was a childcare issue but would actually have preferred to save the space for a child he actually knew. Neither turned up!

So many no shows/ extras at soft play too. Luckily our soft play place is amazing at being flexible.

JudgeRudy · 01/04/2023 12:33

JudgeRudy · 01/04/2023 12:30

You ask why agree? There are numerous reasons that we can't even consider but here's my thoughts.
She didn't forget. She deliberately did not answer her phone. She didn't want to go to the party. She didn't want to deal with you.

So why did she agree? I'd say she didn't 'agree'. I'd say you were instant and she started off politely saying, really, there's no need, but you continued to insist until she said yes.
That's not a very mature way to handle things. The other option is something better turned up and again she didn't feel able to have a conversation with you.
Are you one of these people who feel they do everything for other people and are very considerate and thoughtful, one of life's givers? Could it be you do stuff that you really want other people to do for you and no one really cares/appreciates your 'help'. They go along with it coz they think you like doing it. Can you be over bearing or pushy?
Look for patterns. Either it's you or its her. Has she done this before with other people. Have other people done this to you....I'm talking complete disregard for feelings and 'ghosting'
I'm sorry you had this. It must gave been very awkward and embarrassing......and hurtful

Oops, re read and can now see it was your sister that didn't turn up, not your daughter! I did wonder how old your daughter was...doh

RestingRulers · 01/04/2023 12:34

Did you let her know how much it cost?

Reddickyouless · 01/04/2023 12:34

Lol I wondered what you were on there for a minute @JudgeRudy

MelsMoneyTree · 01/04/2023 12:34

It's annoying and rude. But it's also fairly standard that when you invite people, some won't turn up even if they said they would.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 01/04/2023 12:35

It's shit behaviour but ultimately you can't control the actions of other people.

I just wouldn't invite them again.

WandaWonder · 01/04/2023 12:35

JudgeRudy · 01/04/2023 12:30

You ask why agree? There are numerous reasons that we can't even consider but here's my thoughts.
She didn't forget. She deliberately did not answer her phone. She didn't want to go to the party. She didn't want to deal with you.

So why did she agree? I'd say she didn't 'agree'. I'd say you were instant and she started off politely saying, really, there's no need, but you continued to insist until she said yes.
That's not a very mature way to handle things. The other option is something better turned up and again she didn't feel able to have a conversation with you.
Are you one of these people who feel they do everything for other people and are very considerate and thoughtful, one of life's givers? Could it be you do stuff that you really want other people to do for you and no one really cares/appreciates your 'help'. They go along with it coz they think you like doing it. Can you be over bearing or pushy?
Look for patterns. Either it's you or its her. Has she done this before with other people. Have other people done this to you....I'm talking complete disregard for feelings and 'ghosting'
I'm sorry you had this. It must gave been very awkward and embarrassing......and hurtful

Or she could have just forgotten, sure not nice to forget but it does happen

Is there any need to add a coronation street saga to it? Or is some ironic joke thing?

Androideighteen · 01/04/2023 12:36

JudgeRudy · 01/04/2023 12:30

You ask why agree? There are numerous reasons that we can't even consider but here's my thoughts.
She didn't forget. She deliberately did not answer her phone. She didn't want to go to the party. She didn't want to deal with you.

So why did she agree? I'd say she didn't 'agree'. I'd say you were instant and she started off politely saying, really, there's no need, but you continued to insist until she said yes.
That's not a very mature way to handle things. The other option is something better turned up and again she didn't feel able to have a conversation with you.
Are you one of these people who feel they do everything for other people and are very considerate and thoughtful, one of life's givers? Could it be you do stuff that you really want other people to do for you and no one really cares/appreciates your 'help'. They go along with it coz they think you like doing it. Can you be over bearing or pushy?
Look for patterns. Either it's you or its her. Has she done this before with other people. Have other people done this to you....I'm talking complete disregard for feelings and 'ghosting'
I'm sorry you had this. It must gave been very awkward and embarrassing......and hurtful

You're saying it's OPs fault?! None of the things you've listed are any reason to no show without contact and give a shit excuse after the fact. It's fucking rude.

MajorCarolDanvers · 01/04/2023 12:36

Family member I'd ask her to pay for the spaces.

Reddickyouless · 01/04/2023 12:39

@WandaWonder @Androideighteen she's already explained she got the wrong end of the stick

Marmite27 · 01/04/2023 12:39

We had a soft play party last night. I had 2 late rsvps (which I didn’t mind). 3 drop out on the day due to illness and 2 turn up without rsvp-ing.

TBH it worked out ok, but if the kids that turned up without rsvp-ing had any dietary requirements I’m afraid I’d have been shrugging my shoulders and saying tough.

Original poster
Birthdaysmurf · 01/04/2023 12:48

I understand some people cant make it. I know people are flakey, I even asked what time would she be dropped them off, and her answer was kind of like i dont know i’m not sure.

Anyway i felt sorry for my daughter because quite a few people cancelled last minute. She had around 3 friends coming to the party that was paid for 10

She had a good time but i feel put off doing anything like this again

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 01/04/2023 12:48

Is this your sister or sister in law? Has she got form for this? Maybe she is struggling? Because most parents are really happy to have an invite for both their kids at the weekend, it's something to look forward to.
If it's your brothers partner, what did he say? If it's your sister you can be a bit more direct with your response!

Duhduhdub · 01/04/2023 12:50

YANBU she didn’t forget at all.
I don’t know what it is about kids birthday parties that brings out such rudeness in people.
We hosted a soft play party when my daughter was at nursery and she wanted to invite a little boy whose parents I had never met. The mother didn’t RSVP and just showed up on the day - she walked in with her son who was only three and announced that she had some errands to run and would be back to pick him up later! I pointed out that I was 36 weeks pregnant and in no position to rescue him from the play frame if he needed any help!

piedbeauty · 01/04/2023 12:51

Sockloon · 01/04/2023 12:24

People can do what ever they like. Sorry your dd does not trump other people's life's.

🙄🙄 If you accept a party invitation then it's common courtesy to show up, on time, with a gift. Not to forget or not give a shit that the party girl might be disappointed or her parents have lost money because they have paid for your place.

But then, I don't imagine you get invited to many parties...

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 01/04/2023 12:51

OP is this your brother’s ex? If so why did you go through her and not him?