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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reach out or not?

80 replies

OhBanana · 01/04/2023 08:32

I’ll try and keep this short bit sadly a long winded situation! Posting here for traffic but you can tell me if IABU!!

  • Had 1st baby DD 11 weeks ago, 6 day Induction, emergency c section, horrible long recovery including infection.
  • 3 weeks before DD is born good friend (10 year + friendship) who lives overseas (Europe) informs me she will be visiting for the day at the end of jan (making DD about two weeks old and me a shell of a person!) - she lives abroad so I said we would make it work. (I had told her I’d love her to meet dd when she was born but I was expecting some kind of discussion before anything was booked!)
  • This wasn’t a special trip to see me though, it was connecting flight at an airport near me on her way home from another country.
  • Two days after I got home I said to her that I could only handle very short visits at that point (not relating it to her visit, just that’s where I was at that point, if I had seen her I would have dug deep! But also expect her to have some understanding of the reality of our situation!)
  • a few days later she messages asking if it’s ‘frankly, worth her time’ (actual wording) to come and see us because I may not be very active/up for visitors following my comment - tells me she’s looking out for me by asking - but I honestly just found the whole exchange quite hurtful and patronising as though in my delicate state we were not going to be good enough to entertain her and she would rather spend her day in England doing something else if we couldn’t keep her adequately occupied. I reassured her multiple times that I would happily have her over for most of the day but what that day looked like would probably be very different than what she was expecting but she kept pushing it (felt like she was pushing me to tell her not to come) so in the end I told her not to come as I didn’t need the pressure and she had totally soured things so I wouldn’t enjoy the time at all. And I think If I get to be selfish ever… it’s when I’ve just been sliced open and looking after a newborn…
  • she ended up spending the day with a mutual friend instead. Mutual friend has seen Messages and told her she went about the whole thing wrong no matter how noble her intentions.
  • since then I’ve messaged her a couple of times (once to say thanks for a card and small present for DD she sent whilst in England, once on her birthday) - no reply from either. Thought they might open up the lines of communication and offer her an opportunity to say sorry and move on. I don’t want to hold a grudge but I don’t want her to think it was all okay and to brush it under the carpet.

I am of the feeling that if she offered a simple apology I would gladly move on. She doesn’t have kids and she doesn’t get it. We are in very different seasons of life. But Life is too short to loose friends (she has been my rock at other points in the past) but at the end of the day she was massively insensitive at the most vulnerable time of my entire life so I feel like I’m owed an apology at least. Or was I wrong to tell her not to come and I owe her an apology and should be the one to make amends?

All I know is that I miss her and she’s missing out on lots of things in my DDs life so far (even if via WhatsApp!) and I think it’s a bit shame if it’s just because we/she is being stubborn.

YABU - apologise to her and hope she still wants to be your friend
YANBU - she should apologise to you unprompted

OP posts:
Villssev · 01/04/2023 08:46

to give her the opportunity to apologise?

so you have made it clear you’re pissed off / hurt?

why did you assume 3 weeks before the birth that you’d be a “shell of a person” 2 weeks after the birth?

Villssev · 01/04/2023 08:48

You messaged her to say you’d only be up for “very short visits”
then second message that you’d happily have her for most of the day

a little confusing

Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 08:51

Villssev · 01/04/2023 08:46

to give her the opportunity to apologise?

so you have made it clear you’re pissed off / hurt?

why did you assume 3 weeks before the birth that you’d be a “shell of a person” 2 weeks after the birth?

I’ve reached out twice now (as explained in post), both messages have gone unaswered but could have been great opportunities to reply, apologise and move on and they were short but kind on my end.

But yes during the original message exchange I made it very clear that I was upset and hurt.

I had a medically complex and draining pregnancy (which she was fully aware of), I knew I was going to be Induced and would likely end up in c section… plus without all of that, even in ‘normal’ birthing circumstances, most people generally aren’t sleeping at two weeks and are in the midst of recovery two weeks after having a baby!!

I’d love to meet someone who’s feeling 100% themselves two weeks after giving birth so they can tell me their secrets!

OP posts:
Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 08:54

Villssev · 01/04/2023 08:48

You messaged her to say you’d only be up for “very short visits”
then second message that you’d happily have her for most of the day

a little confusing

Sorry not totally clear. We had a phone call and I said to her that in those initial days of recovery that I was only up for short visits (from in laws and friends that live literally around the corner) but I had also made it clear that when she came two weeks later that we would make it work and just take it slow. It might not be a very exciting day for her but I wouldn’t kick her out after coming from another country but after explaining this repeatedly she wouldn’t have it or believe me.

I think it’s reasonable in the first few days to have a smaller tolerance for visits than two weeks after.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 01/04/2023 09:14

Honestly I think it was fine for her to leave you to it and see someone else for the limited time she was in the vicinity. You made it clear you weren't up for entertaining with your 'very short visits'...so I suppose she didn't feel it was worth coming along.
You then say 'most of the day' so which is it?

She has her own agenda which is likely based around a holiday vibe.

pictoosh · 01/04/2023 09:15

I don't think she wanted to visit someone who was taking it slow and recovering. I think she wanted to enjoy herself and be lively.

pictoosh · 01/04/2023 09:15

No offence to you of course.

Wolfiefan · 01/04/2023 09:18

Fine for you to set boundaries about what you felt you could cope with.
Fine for her to decide she would rather spend her time in a different way.

Ktime · 01/04/2023 09:22

YANBU, she sounds self-absorbed. I wouldn’t expect someone to entertain me 2 weeks after a c-section.

in the course of your friendship, is she the assertive one and you usually fall in line with her? I suspect you saying not to come as I didn’t need the pressure and she had totally soured things so I wouldn’t enjoy the time at all’ has thrown her and she’s not used to you having boundaries.

She doesn’t sound an understanding or goof friend.

Villssev · 01/04/2023 09:31

But yes during the original message exchange I made it very clear that I was upset and hurt.

how so?

you have messaged her twice “to give her the opportunity to apologise”. She has not responded. I suspect she doesn’t think she has anything to apologise for but perhaps thinks you have something to apologise for in terms of however you “made it very clear” about your “upset and hurt”?

Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:31

pictoosh · 01/04/2023 09:14

Honestly I think it was fine for her to leave you to it and see someone else for the limited time she was in the vicinity. You made it clear you weren't up for entertaining with your 'very short visits'...so I suppose she didn't feel it was worth coming along.
You then say 'most of the day' so which is it?

She has her own agenda which is likely based around a holiday vibe.

Why would anyone think that visiting a new parent would be a ‘holiday vibe’?

Absolutely fair that she can choose to spend her time another way, but she didn’t ‘choose’, the messages pushed me to tell her not to come, that’s different and felt hurtful the way she worded things (as explained in post) and honestly somewhat manipulative. Like she didn’t want to cancel on me but wanted a get out of jail free card to do something better.

As adressed up thread, not unreasonable for ‘visitor tolerance’ to increase over time. Two days, a few hours vs two weeks, a whole day.

OP posts:
Villssev · 01/04/2023 09:33

Mutual friend has seen Messages and told her she went about the whole thing wrong no matter how noble her intentions.

who dragged the mutual friend in to this?

Villssev · 01/04/2023 09:34

How far do you live from the airport?

Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:36

Ktime · 01/04/2023 09:22

YANBU, she sounds self-absorbed. I wouldn’t expect someone to entertain me 2 weeks after a c-section.

in the course of your friendship, is she the assertive one and you usually fall in line with her? I suspect you saying not to come as I didn’t need the pressure and she had totally soured things so I wouldn’t enjoy the time at all’ has thrown her and she’s not used to you having boundaries.

She doesn’t sound an understanding or goof friend.

I suppose since she moved away yes this has been the case but about a year ago I started to be more assertive with her. Which has gone down badly in the past but then we moved on and she respected my boundaries about other things once made clear.

Because she was often the one visiting us we would always do what she wanted to do. She does also have a habit of just telling us when she is visiting and expecting us to book time off work and make sure we have space in our homes to accommodate her. Rarely a discussion is had. And when she is here we have to do whatever she wants. We sort of let her be selfish as she’s often the one making the effort to travel here but perhaps that doesn’t set the best tone in our friendship group.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 01/04/2023 09:36

I'd have thought from your messages to her that you did not want her to visit tbh. And you want her to apologise??? Congrats on your dd.

Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:37

Villssev · 01/04/2023 09:33

Mutual friend has seen Messages and told her she went about the whole thing wrong no matter how noble her intentions.

who dragged the mutual friend in to this?

She did, I saw mutual friend a few weeks ago and she told me she had been shown messages. I hadn’t spoken to her about this, only baby and other life things until then.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:37

Villssev · 01/04/2023 09:34

How far do you live from the airport?

An hour, London based.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 01/04/2023 09:37

I dont see what she has done wrong, she offered to come for a short visit, you seemed very reluctant, and inconsistent, so she offered to pull out, which you agreed to.

Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:38

saoirse31 · 01/04/2023 09:36

I'd have thought from your messages to her that you did not want her to visit tbh. And you want her to apologise??? Congrats on your dd.

I did until she started saying things like ‘frankly is it worth my time to come’… and yes I would like her to apologise but also perhaps I’m in the wrong. Not sure as if the boot was on the other foot and she has made it clear I’d upset her I would have done so by now so maybe I’ve done something wrong and owe her an apology?

OP posts:
pictoosh · 01/04/2023 09:39

"Why would anyone think that visiting a new parent would be a ‘holiday vibe’?"

Well they wouldn't, so she did something else. If she had been around for a week I could see your point but she only had a day. She has other friends to see who she didn't feel she was inconveniencing.

Villssev · 01/04/2023 09:40

OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:37

She did, I saw mutual friend a few weeks ago and she told me she had been shown messages. I hadn’t spoken to her about this, only baby and other life things until then.

Show quote history

So obviously your friend doesn’t think she’s in the wrong if she showed your mutual friend the messages

Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:40

Nimbostratus100 · 01/04/2023 09:37

I dont see what she has done wrong, she offered to come for a short visit, you seemed very reluctant, and inconsistent, so she offered to pull out, which you agreed to.

She didn’t ‘offer to pull out’ - she pushed me to make a decision for her which I didn’t want to do as I feel she now resents me for telling her not to come even though it seemed as though she didn’t want to waste her time in England seeing us when she could be doing something better.

OP posts:
Villssev · 01/04/2023 09:40

I am with your friend on this OP

maddy68 · 01/04/2023 09:41

I live abroad. It's so difficult to make arrangements to see everyone Negev I visit. She wanted to spend that time with you You said you weren't up to it. She Made alternative arrangements. You then said she could could come all day

Why did you assume you would be a "shell"
I went back to work two weeks after birth

She hasn't done anything wrong.

She wanted to come. You said you weren't up to it.

You should be pleased she wanted to see you.

Villssev · 01/04/2023 09:42

“No matter how noble her intentions”

what did your friend mean by this?!

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