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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To reach out or not?

80 replies

OhBanana · 01/04/2023 08:32

I’ll try and keep this short bit sadly a long winded situation! Posting here for traffic but you can tell me if IABU!!

  • Had 1st baby DD 11 weeks ago, 6 day Induction, emergency c section, horrible long recovery including infection.
  • 3 weeks before DD is born good friend (10 year + friendship) who lives overseas (Europe) informs me she will be visiting for the day at the end of jan (making DD about two weeks old and me a shell of a person!) - she lives abroad so I said we would make it work. (I had told her I’d love her to meet dd when she was born but I was expecting some kind of discussion before anything was booked!)
  • This wasn’t a special trip to see me though, it was connecting flight at an airport near me on her way home from another country.
  • Two days after I got home I said to her that I could only handle very short visits at that point (not relating it to her visit, just that’s where I was at that point, if I had seen her I would have dug deep! But also expect her to have some understanding of the reality of our situation!)
  • a few days later she messages asking if it’s ‘frankly, worth her time’ (actual wording) to come and see us because I may not be very active/up for visitors following my comment - tells me she’s looking out for me by asking - but I honestly just found the whole exchange quite hurtful and patronising as though in my delicate state we were not going to be good enough to entertain her and she would rather spend her day in England doing something else if we couldn’t keep her adequately occupied. I reassured her multiple times that I would happily have her over for most of the day but what that day looked like would probably be very different than what she was expecting but she kept pushing it (felt like she was pushing me to tell her not to come) so in the end I told her not to come as I didn’t need the pressure and she had totally soured things so I wouldn’t enjoy the time at all. And I think If I get to be selfish ever… it’s when I’ve just been sliced open and looking after a newborn…
  • she ended up spending the day with a mutual friend instead. Mutual friend has seen Messages and told her she went about the whole thing wrong no matter how noble her intentions.
  • since then I’ve messaged her a couple of times (once to say thanks for a card and small present for DD she sent whilst in England, once on her birthday) - no reply from either. Thought they might open up the lines of communication and offer her an opportunity to say sorry and move on. I don’t want to hold a grudge but I don’t want her to think it was all okay and to brush it under the carpet.

I am of the feeling that if she offered a simple apology I would gladly move on. She doesn’t have kids and she doesn’t get it. We are in very different seasons of life. But Life is too short to loose friends (she has been my rock at other points in the past) but at the end of the day she was massively insensitive at the most vulnerable time of my entire life so I feel like I’m owed an apology at least. Or was I wrong to tell her not to come and I owe her an apology and should be the one to make amends?

All I know is that I miss her and she’s missing out on lots of things in my DDs life so far (even if via WhatsApp!) and I think it’s a bit shame if it’s just because we/she is being stubborn.

YABU - apologise to her and hope she still wants to be your friend
YANBU - she should apologise to you unprompted

OP posts:
Beachwalker66 · 01/04/2023 09:43

I would just drop it now. Get on with your life.

Nimbostratus100 · 01/04/2023 09:44

OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:40

She didn’t ‘offer to pull out’ - she pushed me to make a decision for her which I didn’t want to do as I feel she now resents me for telling her not to come even though it seemed as though she didn’t want to waste her time in England seeing us when she could be doing something better.

Show quote history

what is the difference between "offering to pull out" and "pushing you to make the decision"? I dont see a difference, just a matter of interpretation.

it sounds like she made it easy for you be reassuring you that she had other options, and you needn't feel guilty by saying no

pictoosh · 01/04/2023 09:46

I don't think she owes you an apology. Neither of you have anything to be offended OR apologetic about as far as I can see.
Just continue as is.

Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:46

maddy68 · 01/04/2023 09:41

I live abroad. It's so difficult to make arrangements to see everyone Negev I visit. She wanted to spend that time with you You said you weren't up to it. She Made alternative arrangements. You then said she could could come all day

Why did you assume you would be a "shell"
I went back to work two weeks after birth

She hasn't done anything wrong.

She wanted to come. You said you weren't up to it.

You should be pleased she wanted to see you.

Agree it’s difficult to see everyone if you live abroad.

good for you for returning to work two weeks after if that works for you - however see upthread as I’ve already answered this.

I made it clear to her that we could spend the day together if she came but that it would be a day taking it slow/as it comes not that I wasn’t up for it. But that wasn’t good enough for her.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 01/04/2023 09:49

No it wasn't, and that's because she was on holiday with limited time to see people including but not exclusively you.

As I say, I think it's actually ok that she left you to your recovery and saw someone else.

Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:49

Villssev · 01/04/2023 09:42

“No matter how noble her intentions”

what did your friend mean by this?!

That she had told friend she was trying to do me a favour by (quite rudely) pushing me to tell her not to come because I wasn’t capable of expressing how I apparently ‘really’ felt about her coming… which I had already made clear both before and after baby arriving - That she could come for the day but that we would see how it goes in terms of actually ‘doing’ very much and that it would mostly be spent in my flat chatting whilst feeding baby and that she’s have to make her own tea!!

OP posts:
Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:51

pictoosh · 01/04/2023 09:49

No it wasn't, and that's because she was on holiday with limited time to see people including but not exclusively you.

As I say, I think it's actually ok that she left you to your recovery and saw someone else.

I think it’s fine she left me to recovery but not fine the way she went about it. Appreciate that maybe she did want to spend time with someone else however this isn’t how she went about cancelling her plans with me. It’s the way she went about it all that made it upsetting at the time.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 01/04/2023 09:51

I've read it through twice and I'm team friend on this one I'm afraid. I think you've taken offence where you shouldn't have and read far too much into her comment. I can't see anything she owes you an apology for tbh. I think you've been a tad dramatic over this and you've sort of allowed yourself to be this way because of having a newborn. Set some boundaries, of course. But I'm not sure you've got the most reasonable perspective on this.

You've had different expectations for each other is for me what this boils down to. I would try reaching out to her again, apologise for any drama and say you've love to catch up if she's free for a chat. It doesn't need to be made into a massive thing.

Villssev · 01/04/2023 09:53

Op no one thinks your friend has been unreasonable

You, however, do!

and seeing this is your relationship, then do and behave as you see fit 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:54

Nimbostratus100 · 01/04/2023 09:44

what is the difference between "offering to pull out" and "pushing you to make the decision"? I dont see a difference, just a matter of interpretation.

it sounds like she made it easy for you be reassuring you that she had other options, and you needn't feel guilty by saying no

Show quote history

Offering to pull out

‘are you sure that you want to see me, I can easily make plans with x friend and I don’t want you to worry about it during your recovery if it’s too much’

vs. What was actually said

‘Frankly, is it with my time and money to come and see you?’ (No mention of seeing mutual friends instead, didn’t know she had seen mutual friend until I saw mutual friend weeks and weeks later)

OP posts:
Villssev · 01/04/2023 09:55

But I wouldn’t hold your breath that she’ll apologise

I wouldn’t and most on this thread wouldnt

Villssev · 01/04/2023 09:55

What was your message when you “very clearly” told her you were upset and hurt

SilverTotoro · 01/04/2023 09:59

I don’t think she owes you an apology. I think you’ve had a tough time and she was a bit insensitive, some of it also sounds like miscommunication.

She thought you didn’t really want her to come and were too polite to say so, you felt she was pushing you to say no. In all honesty it doesn’t sound like you sounded positive about the visit and in her shoes I’d probably have felt you’d rather I didn’t come.

I’d leave it for now and see how you feel in a few weeks. Your other points about doing what she wants when she visits describes almost ever visitor I have as they’re making the effort to come to me - do u ever visit her?

Nimbostratus100 · 01/04/2023 09:59

In your shoes, I would apologise for being over sensitive, and just say its been a hard time

Villssev · 01/04/2023 09:59

OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:49

That she had told friend she was trying to do me a favour by (quite rudely) pushing me to tell her not to come because I wasn’t capable of expressing how I apparently ‘really’ felt about her coming… which I had already made clear both before and after baby arriving - That she could come for the day but that we would see how it goes in terms of actually ‘doing’ very much and that it would mostly be spent in my flat chatting whilst feeding baby and that she’s have to make her own tea!!

Show quote history

According to your Op

you initially sent her a message saying you were only up for “very short visits”

then you said happy for the day

Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 09:59

I’m glad I put the original post up as I’m glad to have some non bias perspectives! Obviously I think I’m in the right as I’m me and I can mainly see from my experience! but I’m sure she feels the same, as it says upthread, we just had very different expectations of one another, rightly or wrongly on both parts.

But as most of you have made clear perhaps I need to let it go, woman up, bite my tongue, apologise to her and move on! I didn’t love the way she went about things but she has the right to spend her time as she pleases!

Thank you all for your input, the nudge I needed to let it go!!

OP posts:
Villssev · 01/04/2023 10:00

Are you going to apologise? That’s quite a turn around!

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 01/04/2023 10:01

since then I’ve messaged her a couple of times (once to say thanks for a card and small present for DD she sent whilst in England

What was the need to mention that it was a small present? Are you trying to let us know that you weren't happy with the small present, or that you believe she should have got a large present 😂?

Anyway, I think you have misinterpreted the 'frankly' and she was after a straight answer, which she didn't really get.

You should have replied to the 'frankly' message with, 'actually, I don't think I can handle a day visit at the moment due to my health. I will miss you this trip, but I wouldn't be much company X X'

Newuser82 · 01/04/2023 10:02

I think if I were your friend and was trying to see you on a trip and you repeatedly mentioned that you were only up for a short visit or were not up to doing much I would presume that you didn't actually want to see me. I wouldn't need it spelling out that two weeks post birth you wouldn't be up to loads and I think I would be very hurt under these circumstances.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/04/2023 10:02

I don't think you were wrong. I also don't think your friend will apologise (as she doesn't think she was wrong) so if you want to continue a friendship you'll have to accept that.

You've tried to get in touch, she's not responded so I'd leave it for awhile.

Villssev · 01/04/2023 10:03

@CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop oh I missed the “small present” reference! Good point

Original poster
OhBanana · 01/04/2023 10:04

Villssev · 01/04/2023 10:00

Are you going to apologise? That’s quite a turn around!

For any upset I’ve caused her yes, she hasn’t specifically told me I’ve upset her at any point but if that’s what it takes to be able to move on then yes. I hope she will apologise too for being a bit brash/insesnsetive at the time but if she doesn’t then I can’t force her and ultimately don’t want to lose a 10+ year friendship by being stubborn! And she’s important enough that I’d like my DD to know her too!

OP posts:
pictoosh · 01/04/2023 10:05

Look, you made it clear you were only up for short visits and were in recovery. She's over here and there are various people she wants to catch up with. She's straight with you that it's not the best use of her day, which I would agree with given the circumstances regarding her flying visit.
It doesn't really matter how she went about it. No one was rude.

Villssev · 01/04/2023 10:08

I wouldn’t go in to an apology “hoping” for an apology in return OP

MysteryBelle · 01/04/2023 10:10

I’m sorry, all bets are off when you’ve just had a baby. She should know this regardless of her own life situation. She gave zero thought to what you were about to go through and did go through and added additional aggravation to an already busy and stressful time. “Not worth my time.” Op, she is not worth your time. I don’t think she is a decent friend at all.