Page 4 | Do I spoil my DC?

SpoilingTheDC · 2023-03-31T16:31:47+00:00

1 DC aged 8, almost 9. I’m a single parent but have a fairly decent salary. I always said I wouldn’t spoil them but I think I do. They get chocolate or sweets everytime we go to the shop, I make them wait until after their dinner to eat them usually but it’s everytime we go. I rarely have to say no to them going to friends parties or them not doing events for their extra curricular activities (like scouts parade or swimming gala) because I can fit it in as there’s only 1 DC to consider. They do 3 out of school activites. They’re generally well behaved. School have no issues whatsoever bar saying DC is a bit quiet but no rudeness or entitled behaviour, but from what I can see they have friends and are generally happy. DC gets a say in where we go on holiday, when and where I buy their clothes from, even what we eat. DC is also the only grandchild of my parents, so gets very spoilt by them, we're talking massive easter eggs plus gifts, multiple big christmas presents, I always tell my parents no but they just do it anyway and give it to DC behind my back as they help with childcare. Compared to their friends DC does get a lot, they do far more activities and have far more treats, but all their friends have at least one sibling so it’s not a comparison. DC is the only “only” child in their class as well, so I do worry that DC looks spoilt compared to the others. But the teacher has no issues with them at all, says DC is polite. I just feel guilty and wonder if as they enter pre-teen and teen years I need to cut back on treats. I will be unlikely to have anymore children despite being under 30 (medical reasons) so I do also feel like I can and should give DC the best. They’re likely to go to a private school for Secondary as well which none of their current friends will do due to cost. So am I spoiling my DC?

pointythings · 31/03/2023 21:16

I think you're doing absolutely fine, good boundaries and enough fun, no issues at school or socially. Children don't need to wear hair shirts to learn about real life. Performative austerity really isn't a good look, just carry on as you are.

Piglet89 · 31/03/2023 21:25

@shutthewindownow has it.

MrsToothyBitch · 31/03/2023 22:06

They don't sound spoilt to me.

I am also an only. If anyone tries to suggest I was spoilt I simply say no, I was lucky!

Original poster

SpoilingTheDC · 31/03/2023 22:32

To add as well

We recycle a lot, so last years Halloween costume was made up of bits of costumes we already had, similarly when they have dressed up for World Book Day, we make a costume together with what we have and only buy the bits that are absolutely necessary, sometimes we buy nothing at all to add to it.

I have no problem with DC ripping up old clothes to do this. But I seem to be the only one who does this.

I have been told by other parents at school I spoil my DC because I "only have 1 child" so I have more time to commit to making costumes or buying treats or running them to activities. The other children in the class seem to do maybe 1 or at most 2 activities and usually one of those is swimming lessons so only 1 they get to choose. DC does Scouts and 2 others as well as Swimming Lessons so really 4.

DC also has their own tablet, which doesn't seem to bad but many parents have 1 shared between 2 or 3 children. And I am much more lax with screen time, in that I don't mind once homework is done them having an hour after activities. It's very strictly monitoring in that all downloads have to be approved by me, and I can see exactly what they're doing at any time from my own computer/internet and I do take it away if they try to download inappropriate apps or watch videos I don't approve (and I don't just mean them watching something not approved I mean something with swearing or adult themes or similar).

I actually live in a lower MC/high working class area, so not sure if that affects it to.

OP posts:

HungryandIknowit · 31/03/2023 22:42

I think it sounds ok. She sounds very well cared for and like you have rules that you enforce. Possibly too many sweets etc. - not good for teeth. They don't need something every time we take then somewhere even if it is tempting to offer it.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 31/03/2023 22:52

I would say yes on the basis i did not , nor ever would involve my DC at that age in decisions around meals, holiday destinations nor wear there clothes are bought.

The gifts sound excessive too.

Your DC might be quiet and respectful but there are other down sides to the above.

Blossomtoes · 31/03/2023 22:55

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 31/03/2023 22:52

I would say yes on the basis i did not , nor ever would involve my DC at that age in decisions around meals, holiday destinations nor wear there clothes are bought.

The gifts sound excessive too.

Your DC might be quiet and respectful but there are other down sides to the above.

Wow. I was a child back in the dark ages and was allowed to choose my own clothes in shops.

MoreSleepPleasee · 31/03/2023 23:01

Doesn't sound spoilt at all op sounds normal.

Frozzie1 · 01/04/2023 00:04

One of the most powerful lessons we learn as we age is not to worry what people think about us. OP, stop wondering what people think of your life choices. None of their business how you live your life. Just enjoy your family and DC.

Ragwort · 01/04/2023 06:06

Agree with Frozzie that it's important to have confidence in your own decisions... you do sound anxious about other people's opinions and seem to be trying to justify (even on Mumsnet) how you raise your DC. Why do other people's views concern you so much? I have an only DC and no one has ever commented to me that he must 'be spoilt' ... surely most normal people don't comment publicly on other people's parenting styles (I know many of us judge privately ).

And how do we define the concept of 'spoiling'.?

A child might have the latest iPhone, designer trainers, holidays in exotic locations, endless pocket money etc etc but be very helpful, kind, polite and works hard at school. Another child might have exactly the same .. but be an obnoxious git ... is 'spoiling' down to the material possessions or the child's personality? I don't know .. it's the same with famous, rich people ... some clearly have a lot of wealth but are seen as 'good citizens' ... some aren't. I am probably not articulating this very well but it's not literally about the possessions or wealth. .

2pence · 01/04/2023 12:45

@1AngelicFruitCake what you describe is not petty and narcissistic.

I'm talking about saying no for the sake of it, as a power trip if you like. Letting people know their place if you prefer.

If you look for reasons to say yes instead of no then when you do refuse then there's an understanding that there's a good reason behind it and not just pettiness and control. You give really good examples of this, both in the actions you do with your kids and things you remember from your own Mum.

It's a positive thing, enabling a positive mindset and avoiding pessimism and the idea that life is unfair and learning that the things you want are out of reach (so why bother trying).

Forgooodnesssakenow · 01/04/2023 12:55

SpoilingTheDC · 31/03/2023 17:41

Chocolate/Sweets isn't every day, we go to the shop together maybe once or twice a fortnight. I do go in between times alone but don't necessarily buy DC stuff when I'm alone.

I'm like this, I have 1 day off a week where I'll take both kids to the shop for a few midweek essentials and they get a treat at afternoon snack time. So they'll have fruit and a treat, wotsits or Ella's crisps for the wee one usually but I don't mind if they want a milly way or a kinder bar or some other small thing, pancakes and hot cross buns ar usually the choice at the minute though if we're in a shop big enough to have them.

Hamster1111 · 01/04/2023 12:59

This sounds totally normal to me. I also think it's lovely you involve your DC in decision making. I'm an only child and always had a pretty equal relationship with my parents in that way (although they always had the final say). You sound like a lovely mum.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 01/04/2023 13:03

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 31/03/2023 22:52

I would say yes on the basis i did not , nor ever would involve my DC at that age in decisions around meals, holiday destinations nor wear there clothes are bought.

The gifts sound excessive too.

Your DC might be quiet and respectful but there are other down sides to the above.

Your child can't choose their own clothes? Until what age?

DanceMonster · 01/04/2023 13:07

SpoilingTheDC · 31/03/2023 22:32

To add as well

We recycle a lot, so last years Halloween costume was made up of bits of costumes we already had, similarly when they have dressed up for World Book Day, we make a costume together with what we have and only buy the bits that are absolutely necessary, sometimes we buy nothing at all to add to it.

I have no problem with DC ripping up old clothes to do this. But I seem to be the only one who does this.

I have been told by other parents at school I spoil my DC because I "only have 1 child" so I have more time to commit to making costumes or buying treats or running them to activities. The other children in the class seem to do maybe 1 or at most 2 activities and usually one of those is swimming lessons so only 1 they get to choose. DC does Scouts and 2 others as well as Swimming Lessons so really 4.

DC also has their own tablet, which doesn't seem to bad but many parents have 1 shared between 2 or 3 children. And I am much more lax with screen time, in that I don't mind once homework is done them having an hour after activities. It's very strictly monitoring in that all downloads have to be approved by me, and I can see exactly what they're doing at any time from my own computer/internet and I do take it away if they try to download inappropriate apps or watch videos I don't approve (and I don't just mean them watching something not approved I mean something with swearing or adult themes or similar).

I actually live in a lower MC/high working class area, so not sure if that affects it to.

I have 3 children with their own tablets. One does Brownies, drama club, swimming lessons, gymnastics and guitar lessons. One does drama club, gymnastics, swimming lessons, piano lessons and ballet. The youngest is disabled so can’t access as many activities but he does an accessible dance class and some other SEN activities.
You seem very fixed on the ‘one child’ thing but I know plenty of families with multiple children who do all of the things you’ve listed. I also know plenty of families with multiple children and only children who cant/don’t do as many activities/own tablets etc. It all depends on family income and circumstances.

KarmaStar · 01/04/2023 13:09

If you and you lad are happy,he is centred,hard working and not entitled then crack on as you are op.sounds like he is being given a wonderful childhood.

Meandfour · 01/04/2023 13:17

DanceMonster · 01/04/2023 13:07

I have 3 children with their own tablets. One does Brownies, drama club, swimming lessons, gymnastics and guitar lessons. One does drama club, gymnastics, swimming lessons, piano lessons and ballet. The youngest is disabled so can’t access as many activities but he does an accessible dance class and some other SEN activities.
You seem very fixed on the ‘one child’ thing but I know plenty of families with multiple children who do all of the things you’ve listed. I also know plenty of families with multiple children and only children who cant/don’t do as many activities/own tablets etc. It all depends on family income and circumstances.

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Same here. There are multiple children I know that are one of 3/5 DC who have what OP describes and much more. It almost as if she wants us to think he is spoilt :/ she just sounds like a normal mum with a normal child. I don’t think any of the things he does scream special or above average life. Just pretty normal.

zingally · 01/04/2023 17:00

No. Everything you mention seems completely reasonable.

Holly60 · 01/04/2023 17:08

It doesn't sound spoiled to me. What would be the point of not letting them do the clubs they want to? Or not letting them choose something nice when you go to the shop? Just to 'teach them a lesson'? In what??

It's one thing if they had a sibling whose extra curricular timetable also had to be managed, but they don't, so they get to do their clubs.

They are the only grandchild so of course they get lots of lovely things from grandparents. It would be odd if they didnt.

I don't think you are setting them up for a life of difficulty. People with a strong sense of worth and self esteem tend to do better not worse.

As long as your DC understands that time and love are the most important thing you can give people, that's the most important thing.

We gave our kids as much as we could, and never denied them 'just because'. They are fantastic adults now

Lcb123 · 01/04/2023 17:13

That doesn’t sound like spoiling to me. I would be encouraging a sharing of chores from this age onwards, especially if just you two in household.