Do I spoil my DC?

[SpoilingTheDC]

1 DC aged 8, almost 9.

I’m a single parent but have a fairly decent salary.

I always said I wouldn’t spoil them but I think I do.

They get chocolate or sweets everytime we go to the shop, I make them wait until after their dinner to eat them usually but it’s everytime we go.

I rarely have to say no to them going to friends parties or them not doing events for their extra curricular activities (like scouts parade or swimming gala) because I can fit it in as there’s only 1 DC to consider. They do 3 out of school activites.

They’re generally well behaved. School have no issues whatsoever bar saying DC is a bit quiet but no rudeness or entitled behaviour, but from what I can see they have friends and are generally happy.

DC gets a say in where we go on holiday, when and where I buy their clothes from, even what we eat.

DC is also the only grandchild of my parents, so gets very spoilt by them, we're talking massive easter eggs plus gifts, multiple big christmas presents, I always tell my parents no but they just do it anyway and give it to DC behind my back as they help with childcare.

Compared to their friends DC does get a lot, they do far more activities and have far more treats, but all their friends have at least one sibling so it’s not a comparison.

DC is the only “only” child in their class as well, so I do worry that DC looks spoilt compared to the others. But the teacher has no issues with them at all, says DC is polite.

I just feel guilty and wonder if as they enter pre-teen and teen years I need to cut back on treats.

I will be unlikely to have anymore children despite being under 30 (medical reasons) so I do also feel like I can and should give DC the best. They’re likely to go to a private school for Secondary as well which none of their current friends will do due to cost.

So am I spoiling my DC?

Nah, IMO ‘spoiled’ is an attitude. One kid with everything yours has could be a total brat. Another could be an absolutely lovely kid. As long as you do all you do AND teach gratitude, good attitude, not to be entitled then I think it’s all good.

@Lilliflip They don't make the final decision, but I might say for example "I'm looking at going to this place, is there anything you'd like at the hotel?" And I remind them that I may not be able to get everything they've asked for and that I am paying for it so they may have to compromise on a few things.

No they don't sound spoilt.

Not spoilt, however i do think it is good by that age to begin to get them to understand the value of things and also the value of saving for something you want, so i would start giving pocket money. It gives dc the ability to save to buy you a birthday gift etc. Both my dc are lucky and they have always had activities and holidays but they also have had to save to buy extras that they might like.

If you say no to something, what is their reaction? That’s how you can tell if they’re spoilt. Growing up my mum let us have/do the things we asked for because we didn’t ask for too much or anything outrageous, we were involved in certain decisions and stuff like that as well but if she said no or she overrode our input into the decisions we were disappointed but accepted it because we respected her and knew her say was final because she’s the parent.

I have three. They all do the extra curricular activities they want, have a say in meals and holidays and choose their clothes.
they don’t get loads of massive Easter eggs and presents, or chocolate and sweets when we go shopping.

Sweets a couple of times a month, a voice in trip decisions but not the final say, accepts being told no usually, whinges occasionally but gets over it, helps with chores when asked. Gets on well at school, does 3 extra curricular activities.
I don't see any issues tbh, seems pretty balanced

I have three (16DD, 13DD and 11DS) and if they ask for something and DH and I can afford it, 9 times out of 10 they get it. We don't live a lavish lifestyle but we do try to give them everything we weren't as kids (okay maybe not foreign holidays because that's out of our budget) and even though they have iPads, laptops, iPhones, Amazon Echos, PlayStations and Xboxes, Dyson hairdryers and GHDs the my never ever act ungrateful or spoiled. They do any activity or club they ask for.

The reason they don't act ungrateful is simply because they know that if they do, they lose it. We have very firm boundaries in this house and they know where they stand or they'll suffer the wrath of mother (dad's a softie) and it makes us a really happy household. Everyone gets along great.

You can give your children material things without spoiling them.
My DC do pretty well but they dont expect or ask for much and are generally grateful for what they get. They usually get something if they ask for it because they ask nicely, dont make outrageous demands or sulk if told no.
They aren’t spoiled

If their behaviour and attitude is good then I don’t see the problem. By this definition my child would be “spoilt” as well, but she’s a lovely, considerate, helpful little girl.

He sounds lovely to me

I agree it's a good idea to give pocket money & encourage your DC to save/budget rather than you just spending £8-10 per week. I have an only DC & we gave him pocket money/allowance when he was older and it encouraged a healthy approach to spending ... soon realised that saving up for an X box (second hand) meant more than a few sweets, comics, cheap toys every week. He's a Uni student now and very frugal, shops in charity shops, barters for food in a local market and works part time around his studies. In theory we could give him lots more money but think it's more important that he understands the value of working and budgeting. (We are not mean ... we do top up his student loan to the appropriate level ).

No of course not, what an odd question; it’s just a normal parent child relationship. You don’t need to come over all ebenezer Scrooge to raise decent humans.

Christ my daughter got a say In now we decorated the house from a young age, we even still ask her as a uoung adult who doesn’t live at home anymore. It’s still her family home though.

it’s ok to be nice to your children. To teach mutual respect.

Thank you everyone.

Definitely think I will make the switch to pocket money rather than sweets/chocolate all the time, they don't have a pocket money card or anything so will look into one of those for saving purposes.

I have 5 and they have as much. Won't be going to private schools mind you but my eldest is starting grammar school in September. My kids are very well behaved and are considerate of others but they also have moments of behaving entitled, which I am quick to acknowledge and point out. I didn't have a lot growing up, whereas my husband had a very privileged childhood so we are definitely trying to find a happy balance.

Sounds very similar to my DD & I don’t think she’s spoiled. You sound like you have a good balance OP- don’t worry!

I think the point is children don’t end up learning the value of waiting, of fighting the impulse to get something whenever they want. Teaching them there’s more enjoyment when you wait for something or earn it through effort.

The activities and parties are completely fine. The sweets and chocolate every day or every time you go to the shop aren’t.

I think one of the most important things you can do for your DC is to teach them the value of money, and by giving them things every time you go out, you're leading them to believe that money is never a problem. So far it looks like your DC has not turned into a brat, but I can't help wondering how long this will last OP. Have you started teaching your child about money yet? If not, then perhaps now is a good time to start, perhaps giving them pocket money for doing little jobs around the house. Make sure that this matches what their friends get, so that they learn that you have to earn money, rather than it just magically appearing every time they want something.

I've got 3 children, they each do between 2 & 4 extracurricular activities a week and so do their friends. I dont think any of what you've said makes your child sound spoilt. Who told you you're spoling them?

You sound like a great Mum. What's causing the insecurity here, has someone made a judgey comment about your parenting?

I always wonder about people who say no just because they can, whether this is to their children or even at work managing staff. I don't understand this mindset and I do judge this type of narcissistic, petty behaviour when I see it.

Why have children if you're not going to do your best for them? It makes no sense to me.

Keep doing what you're doing. Your child is lucky to have you as their Mum. Well done!

I have 3 and they do all the extra curricular activities/hobbies/events they want; we make it work. They get treats when I go to the shop (once or twice a week). They don’t get huge Easter presents from extended family but they get plenty for Christmas/birthdays from everyone. So it all sounds fairly normal to me and not limited to families with only one child.

I would keep the treats after school to a couple of days a week. We have a thing where on Thursdays we go to the shop for sweets or choc after school and also we get snacks after sport activity on a Tuesday.

If they ask otherwise I say no. I do say we can't have a treat every day nor every time we happen to be in a shop.

Blossom agree with 1Angelic ... surely even as adults we don't just buy something 'because we can afford it'. You have to look at your budget, work out future expenses, make plans etc etc ... I mean in theory we could afford to buy our DS a brand new car ... we have more than enough 'savings'. But we talked to him about buying a car, he researched what was available, checked his own savings and we agreed to match the £1.5k he put in and he bought a second hand car for £3k. That to me is a much better 'life lesson' than just buying him a car outright. (And I acknowledge we are in a fortunate position to give him something towards the car).