Do I spoil my DC?

[SpoilingTheDC]

1 DC aged 8, almost 9.

I’m a single parent but have a fairly decent salary.

I always said I wouldn’t spoil them but I think I do.

They get chocolate or sweets everytime we go to the shop, I make them wait until after their dinner to eat them usually but it’s everytime we go.

I rarely have to say no to them going to friends parties or them not doing events for their extra curricular activities (like scouts parade or swimming gala) because I can fit it in as there’s only 1 DC to consider. They do 3 out of school activites.

They’re generally well behaved. School have no issues whatsoever bar saying DC is a bit quiet but no rudeness or entitled behaviour, but from what I can see they have friends and are generally happy.

DC gets a say in where we go on holiday, when and where I buy their clothes from, even what we eat.

DC is also the only grandchild of my parents, so gets very spoilt by them, we're talking massive easter eggs plus gifts, multiple big christmas presents, I always tell my parents no but they just do it anyway and give it to DC behind my back as they help with childcare.

Compared to their friends DC does get a lot, they do far more activities and have far more treats, but all their friends have at least one sibling so it’s not a comparison.

DC is the only “only” child in their class as well, so I do worry that DC looks spoilt compared to the others. But the teacher has no issues with them at all, says DC is polite.

I just feel guilty and wonder if as they enter pre-teen and teen years I need to cut back on treats.

I will be unlikely to have anymore children despite being under 30 (medical reasons) so I do also feel like I can and should give DC the best. They’re likely to go to a private school for Secondary as well which none of their current friends will do due to cost.

So am I spoiling my DC?

Stuffing DC with sweets and chocolate every day is NOT "giving him the best".

It's raising his risk of developing diabetes, caries, obesity; all the emotional risks of habitual easy gratification, comfort eating. It's not teaching him any kind of self control , or resilience when disappointed.

No wonder your parents ignore your wishes; like DC they've learned they can always get their own way because you're a pushover.

Not at all.

No they don’t sound spoilt, this sounds normal to me. Obviously it is a nice childhood.

I understand what you’re saying and in that instance you’re spot on.

I have horrible memories of mine being little - think 4 or 5 - and finding him looking at something in a shop. On more than one occasion I asked him if he’d like it and he said no because we couldn’t afford it. I was a single parent with no money and that broke my heart. Obviously I would never have offered if I couldn’t spare the money.

I think living with a working single parent teaches kids plenty about money.

You don't spoil kids by paying to give them opportunities like school clubs and holidays IMO, you spoil them by buying them endless 'stuff'.

You haven't said whether you buy them endless stuff so I can't say if you're spoiling them or not. A little bit of spoiling is nice but buying them 300 of the latest toys at Christmas because they wanted everything in the shop would be too much. Or buying them a toy every time you went shopping because you're completely unable to say no and they expect it.

Spoiling is about giving into demands really IMO and not ever being able to say no for fear of upsetting them.

It’s interesting you see saying no if you can do it as petty and narcissistic.

I try to teach my children that buying whatever they want and saying yes to whatever they want isn’t love, it’s convenience. I am incredibly generous to them with my time, to my own detriment! I volunteer at one of their clubs so it can run, help at school events and have frequent playdates. I try to teach them that tapping my debit card and taking them somewhere it’s all done for us is easy but researching and being present during a modest day out requires more effort, time and love.

I use my money wisely because I need to but I could afford to buy them more treats than I do. I spend ages planning free or cheap days out, whereas some of my friends buy tickets to an expensive day out but with less thought going into it. I know it’s more of a thing these days to go on big days out, children to get what they want and post about it on social media but then do these children enjoy and appreciate the days out if they happen all of the time? On days out we might take a snack from home, sometimes an ice cream. If we take something from home I will say because we didn’t spend anything today, tomorrow we’re going to x and we’ll go to the cafe. I see it as teaching them to manage a budget and deter them from excess spending.

My own family brought me up in a similar way. My mum in particular spent
hours and hours making up games, finding new places, playing with us and making things and I have such happy memories.

Their best day from the summer holidays wasn’t the theme park, the visit to the farm park or the cinema visit but the free council run event when the weather was nice, they made new friends and I gave them £3 each to spend in the supermarket on whatever they wanted (they soon realised if they put their money together they’d get more!)

I wouldn’t buy chocolate every time you go to a shop, it creates an unhealthy habit.
but otherwise I don’t really know any children that don’t have a say in their clothes, family decisions, or afterschool activities, it just sounds normal

What makes more difference is whether you wait on your DC hand and foot or whatever you teach them to take responsibility for the household in an age appropriate way.

Does your child put their laundry in the laundry basket every time they change clothes?

Does your DC put their own clean laundry away, with help as necessary?

Does your DC put their own plate and cutlery in the dishwasher, and their dirty cup or glass during the day?

Does your DC tidy up their own toys?

Does your DC keep his or her room tidy, with your support (not doing the tidying for him or her but being present and helping structure the task if the room is very messy eg. "first put all the books on the shelf" wait til it's done... "now pick up all the lego" etc.

DC can and should also help with other tasks in order to take on more as it becomes age appropriate, so that by 16 or so you share housework and cooking equally in your two person household.

Give your child an allowance/ pocket money rather than buying on demand, and from 14 a clothes allowance. The buying on demand might not be a problem yet while its a few sweets but it will become an issue when the demands grow to computer games and designer clothes/ makeup/ extensive tech or whatever.

Other than that as long as your child helps around the house and isn't waited on by you, they're probably not spoilt yet. The material stuff could become an issue in a few years but it's not the only way children become spoilt.

It’s interesting you see saying no if you can do it as petty and narcissistic.

I don’t think it’s petty or narcissistic but, however little money I had, I never said no for the sake of it. I had to say no because the money wasn’t there too often for that.

No, your DC has a thoughtful loving family. Doesn’t sound spoilt to me. You are just giving her the best opportunities you can.

@MrsMullerBecameABaby They don't have set chores or things to do around the house but if I ask them to put their plate by the sink they'll do it and scrap any uneaten food into the bin while they do that (no dishwasher and they do need reminding but they do it without complaint) or they'll wipe the bath after using it if I ask them to. Clothes go in a pile by the washing machine and if I ask them to load them machine they will. They take their own clothes from the living room to their bedroom and then pass me clothes to put away (they're just a little bit too short to reach top drawers/their wardrobe yet).

Toys/own areas they always protest about but I have a rule that if I trip over it because it's not in the right place it gets taken away and not returned until they've put everything away, they are starting to recognise themselves where things shouldn't be and where they're more likely to get it confiscated but obviously still a working progress.

They do strip the bed off when I ask them to, but I don't expect them to remake it yet (I usually remake it when they're at their dads once a week).

It isn't to do with spoiling,I think it's just you giving them what you can with the income you have - which is probably the same for most families, lots of families live similar to the life you've described for you DC with multiple children so I wouldn't worry that he's spolit on that side of things. To me spoiling isn't really about extra curriculars and big presents at birthdays etc, it's about the attitude of entitlement that comes with the way some people parent (obviously that can include gift giving etc but it encompasses a lot more in my opinion.)

Relax OP, you sound like a lovely mummy 😊

As long as they are not rude or entitled they are not spoiled imo.

I don't think they sound spoilt. I have two dc, and do exactly the same as you. Both do 3 extra activities. I never say no to anything to do with their hobbies as I want them to have every available opportunity. They are spoilt with sweets by grandparents and don't even wait until after dinner- I have no say they're eaten by the time I get home. My dc are well behaved children. They have £10 pocket money a month. My dc aren't materialist and are starting to out grow toys so thats not really an issue.

I'd agree. Most of this we do with our two kids but they don't get sweets or something every time we go out.

DC gets a say in where we go on holiday, when and where I buy their clothes from, even what we eat.

I hate when parents do this. I think it puts too much pressure on kids to make decisions and I also think if kids get to do everything as kids what is the point of growing up into an adult and going through all the attendant shit that being an adult involves. (I have autism, dx in childhood, so this may be my weirdness)

If what your doing works for you though, carry on.

It doesn't sound like your child is spoiled to me, seems fine and normal. I had to go back to the beginning of the opening post to check you had one child because after the first sentence it read as if you had several!

He or she will grow up loved and confident, that's all that matters.

What relevance does living ‘in a regeneration area’ have?

Maybe a bit, my kids are quite spoilt too!

I always thought the same as you but my DD was a very difficult toddler and just became a bit of a habit. They are great kids though, I don't tolerate them being brats and they are expected to work hard etc. Why shouldn't they have nice things? I guess my biggest guilt is environmental impact but like yours, they love a visit to the charity shop!

I have 3 kids - they do 2 after school activities each. I don’t buy sweets all the time but if i do they can choose & they get things like pastries for breakfast or we make cakes so they get treats either way and we go to costa as well maybe once a month.

they have a say in clothes and also a say in dinners (as i meal plan) if we do trips they have some say as well. Our holiday last year was a weekend in Butlins, few days in London (as we were doing Harry potter world & did paradise wildlife park) then a couple of days in legoland as each child chose a place as after lockdown i said thats what we would do. Legoland cost me over £600 & we stayed one night. People thought that was “spoilng” i didn’t. Each family is different. I don’t think my kids are spoilt, some might. We have no grandparents so it’s only us buying for them at birthdays and Christmas etc.

If we had stuck with one child which we did consider she would have went to private school, 2 we might have been able to manage cutting back but we opted to try for a sibling as no other family & got twins & can’t afford 3 kids to go. My twins are nearly 9 so similar bar that.

as long as you are both happy thats all that matters

It doesn’t sound like you are doing anything special.
Why do you think that they may be spoilt?
Because they do some clubs, get some chocolate and tell you what they would like for dinner?

I think it sounds fine. We have two DCs and they can have pretty much what they want but we also talk to them about money and poverty and they do chores around the house.

DD had a friend who was spoilt. Her attitude was amazing, if she didn't get exactly what she wanted she would strop and they would fawn around her trying to placate her. She once moaned she didn't get the bigger bed on holiday (long haul, 5 star AI) and was horrified when I told her she should be grateful for what she's given and when she's a grown up and paying for it then she gets to choose the bed!

Sounds pretty normal to me with my 2 kids and friends/family.