If you were bullied at school/if you were the school bully....

[DilemmaADay]

If you were bullied at school, have the perpetrators ever been in contact to apologise, or have you bumped into them years later?

If you were the school bully, why did you do it and have you tried to make amends?

I was bullied and have heard stories of bullies growing up years later and messaging people they hurt to apologise. When Facebook became popular when I was at uni, I had everyone on there from school. I waited a few years to see if anyone would reach out and they appeared to be getting on with their lives without a care in the world. I blocked all of them when I hit 30, as the lack of apology was making me feel bitter and blocking was much more cathartic.

While I wasn't personally bullied at school, I was definitely part of the 'geek / outlier' squad, but I was too tall / physically imposing / weird for them to try to come at me as an individual.

One particular mean girl who I'll call Melita, because that was her name and I'd be utterly THRILLED if she's on here and recognises herself, took it too far one day with another girl.

I cornered her in the toilets and punched her in the face.

I was suspended for a day and I regret nothing, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Years later, I was shopping in the town I had gone to school in with my OH and she was working behind the till. I didn't initially recognise her, but she recognised me and tried to be friendly.

I blanked her.

I fucking hate bullies. My sympathies to everybody here who has experienced bullying in their lives.

The girl who spent years making nasty comments about my appearance and spreading horrible rumours added me on Facebook when we were about 25 and sent a message saying “OMG hun How are you long time no see!” Followed by a super nice message. I was utterly baffled and wondered if she was being awful, if she didn’t remember or didn’t realise she was a bully. Bizarre.

Hang on - she didn’t bully you but you cornered and assaulted her?! I’d say the bully is not her!

I must respectfully disagree.

I reacted violently once, which I shouldn't have done, but I didn't drive several people to the brink of taking their own lives, which this individual did over the course of the five years we went to school together.

As I say, I regret nothing.

I was bullied all through secondary. None of the bitches ever apologised although I doubt I'd give them the time of day if they tried.

I did bump into an 'onlooker' in my first year at uni, when I was briefly back in my home town (left it for good shortly after and have never/ will never set foot again). She said how much I'd changed and that she always felt bad about how I was treated. I remember thinking it was a pity she'd never had the courage to talk to me at school (afraid to be outcast or laughed at I guess). But I never saw her or anyone else from my year group again and I couldn't care less.

When I was about 35 I met someone who claimed to have bullied me at school. She certainly didn't - I barely knew her. I have no idea what she got out of rewriting history that way round!

😮

I was bullied by a small group of unpleasant individuals all through school. One of them, probably around 5 years after sixth form, saw me with friends in the local town and did apologise. She wasn't the worst but any means but I appreciated her words.

None of the others have have apologised. They probably can't remember, yet I can remember 25+ years later their names, what they said/did, where we were at the time etc. It cut me so deep that when someone a few years ago started a FB group for our year at school, when I received the invite (from a friend) I actually almost had a panic attack seeing the names/photos.

To them, it was probably just another day, but to me, those incidents were stand-out moments in my school life. I try not to dwell on it. It doesn't do me any good. I'll only beat them by being strong and living a good life where I'm achieving my goals.

I was bullied through secondary it made me really introverted and I should have done better at school but spent so much time worrying and upset I didn't do too well. I was bullied when I started work, some of the same girls that were at school were there and the past followed me.
No one ever apologised it was just how they were.

There was a girl in my year who wasn’t a bully specifically, she didn’t pick on particular people, just utterly terrifying and you had to stay out of her way as she was violent. She did push a horrible teacher over once which was brilliant though.
she went up to an old school mate, very friendly and nice. Apologising if she had done anything to her in school as her home life was awful so basically she was high all the time, but was now sober. Explained a lot.

Possibly some of the mean behaviour isn't perceived as bullying when people look back on it.

From secondary up to lower VI I was frequently picked on by the "mean girls." Nothing especially physical but the name calling, standing round you at break or behind you in the dinner queue and making scathing comments. Actually I remember once someone threw a smoke bomb on to my seat on the school bus which burnt a hole in my cost.

I tended to be one of those people who wouldn't take it lying down and answered back. My best friend at secondary wasn't. I didn't realise just how much it affected her until years later when she said how miserable it had often made her and how much she had hated the school. I don't think she was targeted more than me but I guess it worried her more.

One of the last bullies I remember always seemed a really tough cookie and there generally was an edgy feel that if you upset her then her hard as nails side kick who didn't give a shit would sort you out.

But one glorious day I had a dentist appointment and so had a note from my Mum to leave school at lunch time to keep my appointment. While I was in the waiting room this girl came in with her Mum and, oh my goodnes, the difference was hilarious. Mum seemed to be a very domineering middle class mum and bully girl was as meek as anything saying "Yes, mummy", "No, mummy" and avoiding my amused eye since I had taken myself to the dentist and didn't need "mummy" there to hold my hand. She never said another word to me funnily enough.

I had a bully apologise to me about 10 years after we left school.
I just nodded because an apology doesn’t fix it and I couldn’t say I forgive you. I was also at work so had to stay professional but took pride in the fact that she hadn’t broken me all those years ago

Another one apologised to my mom not to me directly, can’t say that counts.

I bet you're still a bully with that kind of attitude

One of the girl’s who bullied me all through secondary school was recently arrested for throwing a lit firework at someone (not me).

She hasn’t changed. She’ll be 40 in May. It’s pathetic and she’s an idiot. I wouldn’t want her apology. Karma has well and truly caught up with her.

At primary I was bullied by 2 kids a girl and a boy and when we went to secondary school we all went ti different ones. Me and my mum are no contact now. But she used to send me to the girls house for sleep overs. It was horrible. She still.regularly contacts and comments on her Facebook . It's really bizarre. I never saw the girl again. But I bumped into the boy when I was about 15 and he apologised on the spot. He was alright actually and I was quite happy he apologised and I respected him for it. Especially as we where young when it happened and I didn't even expect him to remember. I forgave him and sent think badly of him. But the girl.... actually still don't like her and I don't even know her anymore. I didn't really have any trouble at secondary thank goodness which still surprises me as it was an all girls school!

The guy that bullied me (and many others) at school took his own life just before Christmas. Leads me to think he probably had as unhappy an adulthood as he must’ve a childhood to be a bully in the first place. I must admit I did think it served him right for the destruction he caused others but no one deserves to feel that way I guess, still really awful.

I was bullied by a boy in secondary school, pretty much daily for 4 years. Would write notes telling me to kill myself, would destroy my belongings, push me around, rip my books/coursework to shreds, smeared food in my hair. He was absolutely horrid. I was terrified of him and the school did very little as he was the sporty jack-the-lad charmer that all the teachers loved, so no one would believe him over me, the meek, quiet gothy music girl.

A few years back I was in a local pub with my friend and me and this now man bully made eye contact across the dance floor. It was the first time I had seen him since school. I said to my friend "hold my drink" and marched over to him in front of al his friends and told him EXACTLY how me had made me feel all those years ago (20 to be exact). It was an incredible feeling of power reversal. He looked like a right twat as I, a 5 foot 3 woman berated him in front of all his rugby mates. I said everything I needed to say and turned on my heels and returned to my open mouthed friend who couldn't quite believe what I had just done. He looked rightfully ashamed.

It felt amazing.

I have seen him once or twice since and he hasn't been able to look at me.

@dildeewana well done!! More guts than me!

I still have no idea what made me do it, probably a bit of Dutch courage but it felt amazing.

I was bullied at secondary school.
One of my friends told our firm teacher and he had the bullies in front of him and gave them a real roasting...which made things worse.
Later on I became a nurse and the ringleader was admitted onto my ward.
She said she thought she knew me from somewhere.
So in front of the other patients I said yes we were at school at the same time . You bullied me and made my life a misery.
Not very professional I know but I thought here I am..I qualified nurse and there's you ..a fish finger packer..
Karma

My bully had a nervous breakdown and has bipolar. Not sure about the others: I was lucky enough to move schools after a year. I wasn’t very resilient though by then and I was picked on a bit. I do wonder if there are ways to intervene and help kids like me feel more in control of their lives - I was affected by relatively minor stuff which them encouraged silly girls to up the ante. I don’t think they realised the effect of their actions on someone who had already moved schools from much worse

I was bullied at boarding school from age 11-14. By the girls in my dorm initially, and then also a group of three boys in my year, one of whom was the deputy head's son. I had things stolen, my school work destroyed, was mocked and insulted about a minor disability, and was eventually assaulted by the deputy's son. I was made to stay in the boarding house until my black eye and injuries had healed, in case seeing them made people feel uncomfortable. I had one friend and she was ostracised because she stood by me.

(I begged my parents to let me leave but they felt I'd be throwing away a wonderful opportunity and wasting the sacrifices they'd made to send me there). It wasn't until I got very good at running away that they finally relented. I'm not sure our relationship has ever really recovered)

Even now, after a great deal of therapy, I can see how my mental health was permanently damaged by my experiences.

Of the three boys, two are now dead; one in an accident and the other by suicide. I took no pleasure in hearing about their deaths, rather it triggered a crisis in my mental health as I remembered all those cold, lonely nights crying and wishing them -or me - dead so it would just stop.

Frustrating thing is bullies tended to be popular with other students and teachers.
Also people who go on about bullying being character building need to give their heads a wobble.
I noticed that college of further education seemed to be worse than schools for it

I was about to say the same thing !

I was going to ask if anyone had been bullied as a young adult rather than child. My bullies were childhood friends but they decided to exclude me from our group in our early 20s. I knew I was on the sidelines a bit but never knew why till one of their boyfriends took pity and told me all the things they were doing and saying. One girl had made the rest phase me out. I had asked them if I’d done something wrong and the girl in question told me I needed to go to the doctor for anxiety. When, behind my back she had turned my friends against me. Major gaslighting. And not one of the others stood up for me.
The ringleader did apologise on Facebook but I didn’t respond. Just blocked. Not giving her the satisfaction of redemption!
It’s really affected who I am, I’ve struggled with friendships my whole life since. I’ll never forgive them tbh.