If you were bullied at school/if you were the school bully....

[DilemmaADay]

If you were bullied at school, have the perpetrators ever been in contact to apologise, or have you bumped into them years later?

If you were the school bully, why did you do it and have you tried to make amends?

I was bullied and have heard stories of bullies growing up years later and messaging people they hurt to apologise. When Facebook became popular when I was at uni, I had everyone on there from school. I waited a few years to see if anyone would reach out and they appeared to be getting on with their lives without a care in the world. I blocked all of them when I hit 30, as the lack of apology was making me feel bitter and blocking was much more cathartic.

I was very shy quiet girl and totally wanted to be liked hindsight victim written all over me so I was bullied . It was very silly name calling and it made me feel like shit I just wanted to be left alone but didn’t have the strength to say fuck off .
I’m in touch on Facebook with a couple of the girls , but I don’t feel any sort of hate for them tbh I actually feel sorry for them because looking back they had not very loving upbringing’s. You know the type that they actually weren’t bothered about not neglect as such just parents didn’t care what they did and they sort of looked after themselves while their parents worked , went out , concentrated on their younger siblings. Completely different to my upbringing. It’s actually made me the person I am as I will not let anyone speak to me disrespectfully and same goes if I see anyone else being bullied, because you know what hurt the most back then that nobody would stand up for you they would pretend not to see . You still see adults behave like that and always try and call them out because if you don’t imo you are just as bad .

Years ago I posted about seeing a woman's post on Facebook (not a friend but for some reason visible) complaining about how awful bullies were to her son and how dare they and isn't it awful and just what sort of parents.. etc

This was indeed the same woman who had once as part of a girl gang bullied my sister so badly she had to leave the school her son now attended

My experience is that bullies airbrush the fact they were bullied and, as in the case of one girl from my year randomly claim to have been bullied themselves when this has zero basis in fact.

Edit button needed

airbrush the fact they were bullies and suddenly claim to have been bullied

I was bullied from starting senior school until the bully left pregnant 5 years later; she made my life hell.
It was a convent school, she was RC, I was CofE and although I told my teacher I wasn’t believed because ‘A Catholic wouldn’t lie’ when she denied it.
I self-harmed, I dreaded going to school, my mother told me to grow up, it’s affected my whole life.
The only blessing was she left; years later I discovered she died a slow and painful death.
I was also subsequently bullied at work, I confronted her eventually, told her exactly what I thought of her and changed jobs. Years later I saw her in a nearby town and she scurried off across the road. She was a first class bitch.

this has made me remember a girl I went to primary school with I was friends with . A few years ago a school reunion was arranged but she refused to go because she was bullied at school . I honestly do not remember her being bullied not that I’m saying for 1 second it’s not true but 25 years later it still must upset her but I really don’t think they ( the boys she said they bullied her remember anything about it . Selective memory/ denial I don’t know or maybe they don’t remember it as bad , but you can say a through away comment to someone not remember saying but it can hurt someone.

I was bullied mercilessly as a teenager for being gay. Endless mocking, physical pushing, demeaning, excluding etc. I can honestly say that 20+ years on and working in a high pressure, ultra professional environment and it still impacts me. I second guess myself a fair amount and often wonder if I am being mocked/judged/thought bad of.

I became furious, horrible and frankly wasn't worth being around. I tormented people around me - not out of being a bully but out of being angry at the world. If I had to suffer so could everyone else. Sadly adults in my life didn't see a traumatised young person (I had a fairly horrifying childhood which didn't help), they just saw me as a dangerous, difficult teenage boy. It was only when I came out and got a best friend that my life shifted. The pressure of conforming to societal expectations re: sexuality was soul destroying and the sense of relief when I finally came out was immense (plus people accepted me, despite being called a faggot for years in my teens).

And the sad thing is, if any of those people messaged me an apology it would have a huge impact on how I relate to the past and my schooling. I wish I had a kinder, more compassionate experience and had friends - my education suffered as a result and I took a lot longer to achieve what I could have done.

At the same time I also see that teenagers bully often due to a shitty home life, bullying by others (esp. parents), not knowing how they "fit" into society etc. I work with terrible bullies and I am trying to turn lives around.

I'm sorry you were bullied, bullying can potentially be damaging for years after it stops unless people have the resources to completely dissociate themselves from it. It's a good thing that it felt cathartic for you to block, OP.
From my life experience though I've felt that people definitely let sleeping dogs lie' if you see what I mean - and not just in relation to bullying - and they also do the opposite of this - they 'strike while the iron's hot'. So for example, when my cousin had my email address some years ago, she contacted me via email, then we communicate ld through Facebook chat and fb messages - it was a bit different then - think early 2010s. But when I unfriended her on fb, she didn't feel she could use email or phone again as by now she wasn't used to doing it, if you see what I mean. If a long period of time goes by, people get out of the habit of communicating in non bullying situations- so in bullying situations- this would apply again but people are even more loath to do it perhaps as more sensitive situation

i was a bully. I’m ashamed of it.
I apologised to two girl in year 11. One didn’t accept it, which I understand.
Another, I apologised to and we were on friendly enough terms the last year of school, if not friends.
Some people do change from when they were teenagers. That doesn’t mean anyone owes anyone else their forgiveness, or it makes anything OK of course.

I found it hugely painful when Friends Reunited was created and one of the first messages I received was from a classmate (who had not bullied me) reminiscing about how I had been bullied, how she often thought of me and wondered whether it had affected my adult life. It was like a fist to the stomach to know, all those years later, that others had noticed and had not thought to befriend me. Had it affected my adult life? It destroyed me. It ruined my academic prospects. It left me with poor self-esteem and recurrent depression. Ignorant woman.

I wasn't bullied (I think mainly because I had a popular older brother) but a comment one boy a year older than me once said to me, getting a laugh from those around me, always stuck with me.

Years later I saw him at a reunion type of event. He said he didn't remember me and I told him I did remember him because of what he'd said to me. He was mortified and explained that he'd been very unhappy throughout school, trying to be 'cool' and stay in with the popular kids etc while not having any real friends. He said he wished he could go back and just be himself through school as he hasn't seen any of his so called friends since they all left anyway. He was so apologetic and so sweet that I immediately let go of my years long grudge against him!

I was bullied. I wrote a blog in the early 2000s and one of my bullies happened upon it, and contacted me to apologise. She also requested I take some details out of it that 'outed' here I may or may not have done that

I was so grateful while at school to have a couple of the tougher kids who protected me from the bullies. I have contacted them since to say thank you.
One was a boy who I later slept with and told him after that it was to say thanks (it was always a one night stand sort of situation anyway and I haven't slept with a man in years now, came out as gay in my mid-twenties).
I remember telling my friend that and she said afterwards 'er yeh midlander, most folk might have sent a card or a box of chocolates or something'

I was bullied at secondary school - years 7-9 it was on / off name calling, laughed at for my appearance, I suppose relatively minor. Year 10 and 11 - a couple of my subjects it was relentless and sadly one of these was the core 3 so I saw this group every bloody day.

The bullying from this group was largely all sorts of insults being thrown at me constantly, they would walk past and throw my stuff on the floor, I got spat at and it went up to what I now realise was sexual assault - I remember one of the boys coming behind me and grabbing my boobs and squeezing really hard and then screaming that he now had AIDS and the group laughing. Thankfully a nicer member of the class actually slapped him (no one messed with this girl). A couple of times, one of them would poke me to prompt me to turn around and lead boy would be wanking over his trousers in my face. Thankfully last I heard that twat was in prison.

Sixth Form wasn’t so bad. There was awful bullying in my year and the school came down very strictly on who they would allow to stay for Years 12 and 13. The bullies were largely gone.

Never had an apology.

I have also been bullied at work but this was more subtle. A gradual grinding down by my line manager, isolating, gas lighting. “Putting in the corner” so to speak, impossible to win situations. This was only a few years back but, having experienced bullies in the past, it gave me the fire to improve my life and show people that I’m better than that. So I left. I’m now a qualified teacher, own my own home, know good quality friends and have kept hold of them.

Work bully got the sack a year later for doing the same to someone else (who had my balls then I did at the time and got work union involved and everything) and something else. She started a relationship with a married man, they rented together, he then cheated on her and she’s now, from what I’ve heard from our remaining mutual contact connection, back living at her parents home aged 31 and miserable with virtually no remaining friends due to how she treated them. I have no sympathy.

To be honest the bullying has been scarring yet freeing. Scarring in that I really do struggle with men and trusting people. I’m probably over sensitive sometimes.
Freeing in that it’s taught me what’s important and I’ve truly learnt the lesson of who to not waste my time with and on. I don’t spend time chasing the approval of toxic people or indeed anyone now. I have some really good friends and they are what matters to me. If I have to act or present in order to impress someone, I’m not interested.

Yes. And about 10 years ago he posted a photo of me on his Facebook saying how ugly I was (not to be big headed but I’m not exactly disgusting) messaged him and told him to remove it. He apologised and said he didn’t know it was me …. Lies

a few years larer he tried to add me on Facebook … declined

Then during lockdown he tried to say hi etc to me when I was out a walk. Ignored him and kept walking. Best feeling ever

I came across my school bully on a train, she was working as a ticket inspector.

I enjoyed showing her my first class ticket.

I'm sure those who bullied me would deny it - people involved more peripherally denied any of it was bullying.

I would spend lunchtime hiding in the stairwell at the back of the building - the caretaker found me and, bless him, would leave a classroom unlocked for me to eat in so I wouldn't be found by a teacher and get in trouble. Apart from that it was constant verbal abuse, headbutted in the stomach, chairs thrown at me, food rubbed in my hair... anyone who didn't join in ignored me, I was completely ostracised. The main bully brought weapons to school, including a knife that he would throw into the ground in front of me.

I've not seen any of them for years, 25 years or more. Don't give a shit about them or how their lives turned out.

I’ve had a few try to ‘friend’ me on FB. No chance.

A guy who was bullied and ridiculed through school as he came from a poor family recently passed away. He was such a lovely chap. Saw on FB that those who were horrible to him were commenting, I really needed to hold my tongue 😡

My brother bullied me at home and at school.

We're not in contact any more.

I was bullied horrendously for four years at school. It started with two of them but one left our school after two years and the other bully continued. Bully A has a sister who was in the public eye (a lot over the last 2 years as she, the sister, died) and every time I see anything related to her it took me straight back to the horrendous trauma that I suffered.

What happened to me has haunted me every day of my life since and I attribute many things back to this. Their treatment of them ruined my life and has impacted on that of my children (due to the long term psychological impact of the trauma). I wish I could tell them what they did. I moved away from my home town and away from my home and family because I never want to see either one of them again. Sometimes I think about why they haven’t apologised and it makes me feel sick. They could easily have reached out through an acquaintance or through social media). I would like the opportunity to hear an apology. I sometimes consider writing to Bully B to let her know what she did to me… I never do, perhaps it feels self indulgent or maybe I don’t want to put her in the position of ‘having one over me’ again.

Bully B (whose behaviour towards me seemed worse, bullied me for 4 years) was in the local paper for helping and volunteering with patients at a local hospital during Covid. It made me feel better that she looked dreadful. I hope she has changed.

I feel sick writing this but thank you for the opportunity to let me get some of my feelings off my chest.

I hope they read this and have given just enough information for them to identify themselves if they do. K and H, I am talking about you. I’m mid 40’s now.

I was bullied, two of my formers friends who were bystanders and sat back and watched the bully completely ostracise me from the friendship group, doing nothing to help me, did later contact me to say they didn't know why we weren't friends any more when we'd previously been close. I was not impressed and had no further contact. Bully herself has never contacted me.

eatdrinkandbemerry · Today 18:20
I was a right bully ( I thought it was funny at the time) but I wouldn't apologise all these years later 🤷‍♀️.
Talk to me or not it's not going to make me lose any sleep.

You seem nice...

One was in contact. I told her I don't forgive her, but thanks for the attempt at reconcicliation, anyway. Never heard back after that (and didn't expect to). She is now a teacher.

I have run into a couple of my school bullies over the years(private convent school)
First one was about 6 years after leaving on a train.I asked if she was ‘A’ and asked if she remembered me(I didn’t tell her my name.
She didn’t know me so I said “ it doesn’t matter now “ and walked off.
Bully ‘B’ probably the worst one saw me at the gym about two months ago. Not seen her since the mid 90’s she came over and asked if I ‘C’ and I recognised her she apologised whole heartedly for about half an hour about what a horrible person she had been and took total responsibility for Her actions.
I was shaking and whilst it doesn’t change those horrible years it was good to tell her how she made me feel back then.

Sadly “sticks and stones may break your bones but words forever scar you” x

I was bullied, two of my formers friends who were bystanders and sat back and watched the bully completely ostracise me from the friendship group, doing nothing to help me
Same, girls can be such cowards can’t they?

Anyway bullies have never contacted me. I did bump into one of the bystanders (who I had known since primary school, had helped care for her disabled aunt with her too) a few years ago. She was as nice as pie to me. A few weeks later she found me on LinkedIn and messaged, in a very round about way, about tickets (for her boss, she’s a PA) for the sports club I worked at. I knew she was trying to blah some freebies but I got all her details and then got the corporate team to ring her to discuss packages / prices, she wasn’t very happy, but it was nice, if not massively petty, to waste her time.

My bully got in touch. He explained his actions, took complete responsibility and apologised. It smacked of an AA style/ therapy inspired move. I wrote back and, without any shred of victimhood, laid out the long term repercussions (not ones he probably expected). These extended way beyond me. I think he was shocked but held firm to taking full responsibility. It was slightly gratifying but tbh I always knew he was the fuck up.

My bullies were in the same dorm as me at school. Awful because there was no getting away from them. The only thing I am thankful for is that there was no social media then.