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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this emotional blackmail or AIBU?

67 replies

Raggletaggles · 29/03/2023 23:49

It's my partner's dad's 80th this June. I haven't met him (we've been together a couple of years and it just hasn't happened yet for one reason or another). Anyway I've been invited to his family celebration dinner on a Saturday - but it's a 7 hour journey for me to get there (driving or train).

I hadn't realised until today quite how far away the venue is and that I'd need to take the Friday off work to make this trip. My issues are a work commitment I have on the Friday and childcare that night (not his child). So I was talking to my boyfriend about this and he said if I don't go then it's probably the end of the road for us.

I'm quite shocked and really wanted to get some advice - AIBU? It feels a bit like he is emotionally threatening/ blackmailing me and I'm not sure I want to be with him if he can split up with me so easily.

but also I get that it's important to him and maybe if it was the other way round mumsnet would agree and say yea get rid if they can't be arsed to book time off to join to a family event.

OP posts:
GooglyEyeballs · 29/03/2023 23:59

As it's in June, I'd be inclined to say that you have enough warning to at least attempt to organise things so you can go before giving up, because that's the sort of thing you do for someone you care about. However, the 'do it or I'll break up with you' narrative is toxic and kind of brings a whole different issue to the situation. It's not really about the dinner any more imo. Difficult situation for you, but my advice would be I wouldnt want to be with someone who says that to me when they don't get their own way.

Original poster
Raggletaggles · 30/03/2023 00:05

GooglyEyeballs · 29/03/2023 23:59

As it's in June, I'd be inclined to say that you have enough warning to at least attempt to organise things so you can go before giving up, because that's the sort of thing you do for someone you care about. However, the 'do it or I'll break up with you' narrative is toxic and kind of brings a whole different issue to the situation. It's not really about the dinner any more imo. Difficult situation for you, but my advice would be I wouldnt want to be with someone who says that to me when they don't get their own way.

Thank you. Yes this is a really helpful perspective. I could have definitely be approaching the occasion with a more open and can-do attitude. but his response really shocked me and I couldn't quite work out why it felt so disturbing.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 30/03/2023 00:07

Perhaps he feels that you aren't putting any effort in. His Dad might not have another chance to meet you and it would be hurtful that you haven't even tried to make it work.

Ktime · 30/03/2023 00:08

YANBU. It’s an 80th birthday for someone you’ve never met, not a sibling’s wedding or something.

His behaviour is a red flag and I would call his bluff. His reaction will tell you a lot.

Maray1967 · 30/03/2023 00:10

It felt so disturbing because it is. This isn’t right - you have a work commitment and a childcare need, and although it would have been nice if you could go, a threatening response to a reasonable explanation is very unpleasant. I’d end it now, if I was you. There’s no way I would put up with this.

MavisMcMinty · 30/03/2023 00:12

You’re both being unreasonable.

Thelnebriati · 30/03/2023 00:20

You’re both being unreasonable.

Well no, not really. When you have kids you can have a last minute hitch, they might be ill and need you there, or your childcare might cancel at the last minute. These kinds of problems are just reality and you can't always plan your way out of them.

HighInfidelity · 30/03/2023 00:22

If it means a lot to him for some reason then he’s free to say so and ask if there is a work around. An ultimatum like this is not reasonable and is emotional blackmail.

MaydinEssex · 30/03/2023 00:23

Think I'd say to him "if you are going to break up with me as its difficult for me to get the time off work and arrange childcare, then it's probably best I don't come if you would dump me just because I wasn't able to attend a birthday meal for a stranger" he is being the unreasonable one here, his dad doesn't know you, so it's hardly going to stop him from enjoying his birthday

SheilaWilcox · 30/03/2023 00:26

If you're in the UK, it might be cheaper and quicker to fly than get a train, but that's beside the point I guess.
Is your child invited?
I think as it's in June, you have time to make it work if you WANT to. If you don't want to, maybe he's picking up on that.
It's worth a conversation telling him how his ultimatum / arsey response has made you feel and if you can't have that conversation, it probably is the end of the road.

Pixiedust1234 · 30/03/2023 00:30

I wouldn't stay with anyone who threatened me.

Whats next...make my dinner perfectly or feel my fist?

Eyerollcentral · 30/03/2023 00:36

There is obviously a lot more to this. Does your partner live with/closer to you? At the end of the day it’s three months away and you are griping about a day off. I appreciate the childcare issue may be trickier but he seems to think you make very little effort. I wouldn’t be happy if I invited a partner to an important family event and they immediately started saying no it’s not possible.

nehap · 30/03/2023 00:54

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sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/03/2023 01:05

Is it emotional blackmail or is it him telling you what for him is a deal breaker in your relationship.
After a couple of years you really should have met his family, you don't say why you haven't but I think that is unusual unless they live in another country.

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 30/03/2023 01:11

It really sounds as though getting to know his family is a low priority for you and he is making it clear that he is let down, doesn’t sound blackmaily to me just very disappointed. Surely if you really wanted to go you would make the effort to reorganise work and get childcare? Two years is a really long time to be together without meeting family.

snitzelvoncrumb · 30/03/2023 01:12

You can’t go now, even if you want to. You can’t set a precedent that he threatens to leave and you do what he wants. You will have no control over your life.

Smidge001 · 30/03/2023 01:12

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I completely agree

Iflyaway · 30/03/2023 01:12

OP Never be with a man playing these kind of games.

Before you know it, you'll be so far spun around you don't know if you're comìng or going.

WimbourneWasps · 30/03/2023 01:15

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Totally agree!

LadyJ2023 · 30/03/2023 01:42

I'm sorry but all this time and not made an effort to meet his family. You have plenty of time to arrange that weekend off it almost sounds like your already making excuses not to go. Partner probably said it in the heat of the moment being upset your not making the effort tbh

Ktime · 30/03/2023 01:53

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She has a work commitment and a child to look after. Those things don’t magically take care of themselves just because it’s someone’s birthday party.

Autienotnautie · 30/03/2023 04:07

How come your child is not included in the family event? How/when is your partner getting there? I'm not sure, on the one hand it's plenty of time to put a holiday request in and sort childcare. (Assuming you have some) on the other hand unless there's a back story I wouldn't be impressed by the ultimatum. If you think he's genuinely upset and feels like you are not making the effort then I'd try to do it. If you think he's throwing his toys out the pram and wants his own way I'd tell him no thanks. Btw 14 hour long trip is a long way for one night.

Appleblum · 30/03/2023 04:41

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I agree. It's not blackmail. He's telling you it'll be a deal breaker for him, and I can understand why. It's in June so you have plenty of notice. If you've tried and can't sort childcare and work out then it's a real shame, but at least you would have tried, and I would be understanding. But for you to dismiss it just because it's inconvenient and a long journey would make me question whether we are together because it's 'convenient'.

MrsMikeDrop · 30/03/2023 04:47

Ktime · 30/03/2023 00:08

YANBU. It’s an 80th birthday for someone you’ve never met, not a sibling’s wedding or something.

His behaviour is a red flag and I would call his bluff. His reaction will tell you a lot.

It's her partner of 2 years Dad. I would be very upset if my partner couldn't be bothered to make the effort, I would end the relationship too

TheLadyofShalott1 · 30/03/2023 04:53

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This. This. This.