Is this emotional blackmail or AIBU?

[Raggletaggles]

It's my partner's dad's 80th this June. I haven't met him (we've been together a couple of years and it just hasn't happened yet for one reason or another). Anyway I've been invited to his family celebration dinner on a Saturday - but it's a 7 hour journey for me to get there (driving or train).

I hadn't realised until today quite how far away the venue is and that I'd need to take the Friday off work to make this trip. My issues are a work commitment I have on the Friday and childcare that night (not his child). So I was talking to my boyfriend about this and he said if I don't go then it's probably the end of the road for us.

I'm quite shocked and really wanted to get some advice - AIBU? It feels a bit like he is emotionally threatening/ blackmailing me and I'm not sure I want to be with him if he can split up with me so easily.

but also I get that it's important to him and maybe if it was the other way round mumsnet would agree and say yea get rid if they can't be arsed to book time off to join to a family event.

So you regularly travel 4 hours each way to see your partner?

What time is the dinner at?

If you don't have your kid for the weekend I would definitely go and have a lovely weekend away, travel is part of the adventure

This isn't emotional blackmail, no. (Because people can end relationships for whatever they want).

But, I would say yours isn't a good relationship at all though because of this. It must be very fragile/about to end anyway if he is prepared to break up over this.

Are the posters that are outraged and stating this is blackmail and a red flag suggesting her OH should just silently accept something that has upset him ?

Isn't that controlling behaviour the other way where he is supposed to accept behaviour he finds unacceptable and unfulfilling because it's convenient for his partner?

Meeting family is a way of deepening bonds in a long term relationship, understanding where your partner came from and a huge part of what makes them who they are, if you can't be arsed with that and have no interest to know then it seems obvious you are not really into it/him and want different things from a relationship.

I think we'd need to know his side of things. If it was important for you to meet his dad then he'd have wanted that to happen before now and I'd be a bit uncomfortable that the first meeting was a family do..perhaps you can get there before June if you still can't sort the birthday event. But if this is another in a long list of you not wanting to integrate into his life maybe he is thinking what is the point of carrying on. Only you'll know the tone and more context.

The ultimatum is not reasonable at all and that's what would make me angry and upset. The actual issue at the bottom of it...I think he's right that you should organise childcare and take a day off to make the effort to meet his family. I'd be really hurt if months before with plenty of time to sort it, he told me he wouldn't be coming for those reasons.

Since he hasn't facilitated you meeting his dad before this it's odd he's digging his heels in now. I can understand why you prioritise your son having contact with his father. I'd call your DP's bluff on this.

So. Let me make sure I understand you: you think Boundaries are for controlling other people?

really?

I didn’t bother to read the rest.

“rubbish” yes, indeed.

No. Again, you obviously can’t read. I said they can be interpreted that way if you wanted to.

You have an agenda that makes you interpret the ops boundaries as controlling. I don’t interpret that way. You agenda is obvious. Your post was about how this dps boundaries were controlling.

Of course you didn’t the rest, that sounds really believable. 🙄

You've got three month's' notice yet you've already declined an opportunity to meet your partner's dad for the first time in two years, for a milestone birthday.

You sound like you don't really want to go anyway.

How come you've never met him thus far? Have you made excuses before? Is your partner merely showing his exasperation?

@Raggletaggles

I am really really surprised that you can’t see how hurtful your behaviour is / would be to your partner.

There is plenty of time to make arrangements and an 80th is a one off event.

When were you invited? It sounds from his POV like you were invited, accepted, then at some point later on looked at the travel and decided it was too much hassle to go, citing childcare (bit a lie since it’s your DC’s dad’s weekend!) and work (everyone is entitled to annual leave). He’s simply saying “look, this is important to me and now you’re flaking out, I don’t see a future with us if that’s how you generally behave”.

Boundaries are for informing people, whether that is your partner, your child, your employer, your friend, your mother or whoever that this is your line and if they cross it there will be consequences and what those consequences will be.

You don't live together ... your boyfriend has never asked you to meet his father before so why make such a fuss now? My parents are very elderly and quite honestly they would not be interested in meeting a 'girlfriend/partner' (whatever you want to call yourself) at a celebratory occasion. They would much rather celebrate with their own adult DC and DGC ... at 80 is there really any need to meet up with new 'partners'? It sounds like your boyfriend has got DC of his own so why can't they all just enjoy the party together without expecting you to tag along?

I don’t think you are that in to this guy tbh. If this that’s the case don’t string him along. If you want the relationship to continue to make an effort here though tbh he probably feels it’s been spoilt now, I would.

Yes.

I have to admit if I gave my boyfriend of years 3 month notice of important event in my close family and wanted to finally introduce them to everyone and vice versa and their immediate reaction would be "no can do" I would question the relationship too and think about ending it. Especially considering the child is supposed to be with their father that weekend.

Like other posters, I don't understand why you haven't made this effort before or why it's such a mammoth undertaking for you when you've got months of notice? I can think of at least 3 options right off the top of my head:

1. Your ex collects your DS from school and you leave on the Friday.
2. You drop your Ds at your ex as normal, do your work commitment thing, then make your way up to wherever it is, arriving very late on Friday night.
3. You drop your DS at your ex as normal, do your work commitment thing, and then leave very early on Saturday morning, giving you plenty of time to arrive in time for dinner.

Is there a history of you refusing to be flexible for your DP in the past? Because it's a weird ultimatum to come out of then blue unless he is either in the habit of issuing ultimatums (which I assume you would have said if that was the case) or this is the straw that broke the camel's back for him.

Does he travel the four hours to see you usually?