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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this emotional blackmail or AIBU?

67 replies

Raggletaggles · 29/03/2023 23:49

It's my partner's dad's 80th this June. I haven't met him (we've been together a couple of years and it just hasn't happened yet for one reason or another). Anyway I've been invited to his family celebration dinner on a Saturday - but it's a 7 hour journey for me to get there (driving or train).

I hadn't realised until today quite how far away the venue is and that I'd need to take the Friday off work to make this trip. My issues are a work commitment I have on the Friday and childcare that night (not his child). So I was talking to my boyfriend about this and he said if I don't go then it's probably the end of the road for us.

I'm quite shocked and really wanted to get some advice - AIBU? It feels a bit like he is emotionally threatening/ blackmailing me and I'm not sure I want to be with him if he can split up with me so easily.

but also I get that it's important to him and maybe if it was the other way round mumsnet would agree and say yea get rid if they can't be arsed to book time off to join to a family event.

OP posts:
Zebedee55 · 30/03/2023 04:55

I agree. You need to make a proper effort to be there. There's plenty of time to arrange things.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/03/2023 04:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I agree. It's his dad. Why haven't you met him already? Yes you have commitments but it's months away. This is his family, if you see a future with him, he clearly wants you to make an effort.

barmycatmum · 30/03/2023 04:58

Ugh no. Someone who threatens to break up with you isn’t all in with you.
how will you ever feel safe? Say you make it work, you go to the party - and you always know that he threatened you with a breakup to make you go.

what then? Will he keep threatening every time he wants his way?

sickening. I’m sorry, OP.

I am afraid I would leave him, if his love is a fragile thing like that.

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 05:22

He's drawn his line in the sand. This is important to him. If he's important to you, you'll try.

It's not blackmail to have a dealbreaker if your girlfriend refuses to even try to meet your family.

If he lives 7 hours away, I'm guessing your DP doesn't get to see him often. At 80, he won't have an unlimited amount of visits left.

Ragwort · 30/03/2023 05:27

If neither of you have made the effort to meet his Dad in the last two years then why make it such an issue now? And turning up for the birthday party when you've never actually met the men would, in my opinion, look a bit odd, the party is to celebrate his birthday and for him to be the 'centre of attention' ... not to meet his son's girlfriend. Why not suggest a compromise of suggesting an alternative weekend to properly plan a meeting ... and see what he says to that?

Tomkirkman · 30/03/2023 05:41

I find it strange how posters are often encouraged to make their needs and wants clear and draw their line in the sand.

But when posters partners do it to them, it’s a red flag.

It’s his Dad. It doesn’t sound like you have actually tried to put anything in place. You are just saying you can’t. Or rather you don’t want to.

If Dp couldn’t attend a family event, but had tried to be able to and just couldn’t get time off or something came up, that would be fine. If he just said ‘no that’s too much faffing’ I would be disappointed. Eventually, probably end the relationship.

If dp refused to make any effort with my family, it wouldn’t be the relationship for me. And I am entitled to have that opinion and end it for that reason.

I suspect the partner feels Op just doesn’t make any effort. And they are ok to feel that way.

Original poster
Raggletaggles · 30/03/2023 05:43

Wow. There are some strong responses. I do appreciate everyone’s input though- thank you.

To answer some questions- we don’t live together partly due to the nature of his work partly because I think it’s the best set up for me and my young child. Very tiny rented flat.

This is the first time I’ve been invited to meet his dad. He hasn’t been well so my partner always visited with just one of his kids at a time.

My child is with his dad that weekend and frankly that’s much better than taking him on such a long journey to a very elderly family event where he knows no one. Plus I’d also need to take them out of school for the
day to get there it would now appear!

I think we are both at fault and I could certainly make more effort to get there. (It’s just a headache working out how to get my son from school to his dad’s that weekend as he doesn’t live nearby and I usually do that journey as he’s also not in great health at the moment).

I still feel disturbed by my partner’s reaction but as a previous poster said- it could be something said in the heat of the moment and in fact if we could resolve this.

OP posts:
Dancemonkee · 30/03/2023 05:51

I suspect he thinks you make no effort, and the fact you've said in March that you may not be able to go in June suggests to me he may be right. 2 years and you've never met this man. I think it's important if you care about and see a future with your partner.

It's a dinner. If you set off at 9am you'd be there for 4 if push came to shove and you couldn't go on the Friday. So it does sound like excuses tbh.

iwannascream · 30/03/2023 05:51

If you can see a future with your boyfriend I would take your son to his dads on the Thursday evening so you are able to travel on the Friday without any added trips. Will you be travelling with your boyfriend or doing the journey alone ?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/03/2023 05:54

iwannascream · 30/03/2023 05:51

If you can see a future with your boyfriend I would take your son to his dads on the Thursday evening so you are able to travel on the Friday without any added trips. Will you be travelling with your boyfriend or doing the journey alone ?

This is a good solution. No school on Friday if his dad will agree.

Tomkirkman · 30/03/2023 05:54

Raggletaggles · 30/03/2023 05:43

Wow. There are some strong responses. I do appreciate everyone’s input though- thank you.

To answer some questions- we don’t live together partly due to the nature of his work partly because I think it’s the best set up for me and my young child. Very tiny rented flat.

This is the first time I’ve been invited to meet his dad. He hasn’t been well so my partner always visited with just one of his kids at a time.

My child is with his dad that weekend and frankly that’s much better than taking him on such a long journey to a very elderly family event where he knows no one. Plus I’d also need to take them out of school for the
day to get there it would now appear!

I think we are both at fault and I could certainly make more effort to get there. (It’s just a headache working out how to get my son from school to his dad’s that weekend as he doesn’t live nearby and I usually do that journey as he’s also not in great health at the moment).

I still feel disturbed by my partner’s reaction but as a previous poster said- it could be something said in the heat of the moment and in fact if we could resolve this.

So there’s no way your sons dad can arrange to get the child from school to his own house with at least 2 months notice?

Sounds like the issue is, that you won’t even ask your ex. Or discuss it with the ex. It’s easier to just say ‘no’ to your partner.

What would happen if you couldn’t do the journey for other reasons? Illness, a broken leg etc.

Maybe that’s what at the bottom of it.

Original poster
Raggletaggles · 30/03/2023 05:58

If I left on the Friday we’d go together on the train. This is an idea but I’m not keen for my child to miss school.
Someone else asked if the 80th was the best occasion to meet his dad and I agree. So yes I could offer to meet his dad another time.

My partner and everyone else going live about 4 hours closer to the dad than I do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Raggletaggles · 30/03/2023 06:00

Yes you are right here. I do often prioritise my ex

OP posts:
Phoebo · 30/03/2023 06:04

Tomkirkman · 30/03/2023 05:41

I find it strange how posters are often encouraged to make their needs and wants clear and draw their line in the sand.

But when posters partners do it to them, it’s a red flag.

It’s his Dad. It doesn’t sound like you have actually tried to put anything in place. You are just saying you can’t. Or rather you don’t want to.

If Dp couldn’t attend a family event, but had tried to be able to and just couldn’t get time off or something came up, that would be fine. If he just said ‘no that’s too much faffing’ I would be disappointed. Eventually, probably end the relationship.

If dp refused to make any effort with my family, it wouldn’t be the relationship for me. And I am entitled to have that opinion and end it for that reason.

I suspect the partner feels Op just doesn’t make any effort. And they are ok to feel that way.

Agree. It seems often posters don't reverse the situation and put themselves in the others shoes

GuevarasBeret · 30/03/2023 06:08

MaydinEssex · 30/03/2023 00:23

Think I'd say to him "if you are going to break up with me as its difficult for me to get the time off work and arrange childcare, then it's probably best I don't come if you would dump me just because I wasn't able to attend a birthday meal for a stranger" he is being the unreasonable one here, his dad doesn't know you, so it's hardly going to stop him from enjoying his birthday

What he’s saying is that he finds you’re not being prepared to make any effort hurtful and maybe embarrassing in front of his family. You have months’ notice.

You can’t have it both ways: you experience what he says as an ultimatum, but that means you have to be prepared to be dumped over this issue without any discussion.

He shouldn’t give an ultimatum but OP has hopelessly misunderstood it’s importance, and I would wonder if it’s not just another in a long line of excuses to avoid socializing in his sphere.

MarchingBand · 30/03/2023 06:13

YABU. I don't see this as being emotional blackmail, he's just being honest with you. If you can't be bothered to make an effort for one weekend for his family, he doesn't see a future and I agree. You have plenty of time to make arrangements and you don't even have your DC that weekend!

barmycatmum · 30/03/2023 06:21

Tomkirkman · 30/03/2023 05:41

I find it strange how posters are often encouraged to make their needs and wants clear and draw their line in the sand.

But when posters partners do it to them, it’s a red flag.

It’s his Dad. It doesn’t sound like you have actually tried to put anything in place. You are just saying you can’t. Or rather you don’t want to.

If Dp couldn’t attend a family event, but had tried to be able to and just couldn’t get time off or something came up, that would be fine. If he just said ‘no that’s too much faffing’ I would be disappointed. Eventually, probably end the relationship.

If dp refused to make any effort with my family, it wouldn’t be the relationship for me. And I am entitled to have that opinion and end it for that reason.

I suspect the partner feels Op just doesn’t make any effort. And they are ok to feel that way.

Boundaries are not for controlling other people. Not ever. You’re doing the usual (tedious) flipping the sexes, but it doesn’t matter.
boundaries are not for controlling other people.

they’re for ACTUALLY knowing when to leave. Not threatening someone.

this won’t stop here. Once he knows he can pull the strings and she’ll leap, he’ll pull this shit all the time.

flipping the sexes isn’t brilliant or insightful or even relevant, btw.

as women, we grow up in a world where we need to be “nice” and respect men ALL THE TIME. It’s expected.

if you want to go post about men’s needs, please go post somewhere that is not primarily a women’s space. We give you enough damn room - men take up enough of the conversation in the world already. Ffs

GoodChat · 30/03/2023 06:22

My partner and everyone else going live about 4 hours closer to the dad than I do.

If you're regularly doing 4 hour journeys I don't see that this is as big as an addition as it would be for most people.

thegrain · 30/03/2023 06:24

For me it would depend on if that is what he actually said. If he said look I'm getting a bit fed up of always being last and this is important to me so can you please really make an effort to come? That would be different to "if you don't come it's over."

Also it's ages away so you have time to sort childcare

endoftheworldniteclub · 30/03/2023 06:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Totally agree.It might be the last chance to meet his dad, and you make up excuses. Must be hurtful to your partner.

It’s in June, you have time to sort it out, if you want to.

Aprilx · 30/03/2023 06:40

Ktime · 30/03/2023 01:53

She has a work commitment and a child to look after. Those things don’t magically take care of themselves just because it’s someone’s birthday party.

Show quote history

No but they can be dealt with, if OP could be bothered. It is still months away and him turning 80 is not a surprise. I expect he feels like he wants a partner that will engage with important family events, I think he is being truthful and clear, not blackmailing.

Dibbydoos · 30/03/2023 06:46

He's frustrated by you.

I would def test him ref what he said to determine if its a red flag situ.

Really not sure why you can't organise yourself tbh, June is a way away esp moving a work commitment if it's nit too many people.

Also, why can't you take your child with you and how is he getting to tge event? Can't you go together?

Fleetheart · 30/03/2023 06:57

i think it all depends on what he is like the rest of the time. Is he demanding usually; was this said in the heat of the moment? I completely get why you don’t want to go; it’s awkward, a long way away, and lots of people you don’t know. But maybe he feels that he would like to show you off to his family, and if you don’t go you are kind of denying him that. Does he do things for you that he doesn’t really want to to make you happy?

Tomkirkman · 30/03/2023 06:59

barmycatmum · 30/03/2023 06:21

Boundaries are not for controlling other people. Not ever. You’re doing the usual (tedious) flipping the sexes, but it doesn’t matter.
boundaries are not for controlling other people.

they’re for ACTUALLY knowing when to leave. Not threatening someone.

this won’t stop here. Once he knows he can pull the strings and she’ll leap, he’ll pull this shit all the time.

flipping the sexes isn’t brilliant or insightful or even relevant, btw.

as women, we grow up in a world where we need to be “nice” and respect men ALL THE TIME. It’s expected.

if you want to go post about men’s needs, please go post somewhere that is not primarily a women’s space. We give you enough damn room - men take up enough of the conversation in the world already. Ffs

Show quote history

Absolute rubbish.

Boundaries, absolutely can be interpreted as controlling. That exactly why it’s important to state them and if the other party doesn’t find them acceptable, then you split.

I won’t be anyone who thinks it’s acceptable to go through my phone. It’s my boundary. If I was with someone who felt have access to phones was integral to a relationship. That person could feel I am controlling. I could feel they are. Everyone has a right to express their needs and wants and have a line in the sand.

and no boundaries do not to be kept to yourself, wait for the person to cross them. Then leave. Healthy people discuss their needs, wants and boundaries. Then decide if they are compatible.

If you noticed, I didn’t put a sex into my posts. I referred to posters. Because even when posters are male, people will support them expressing their needs and discussing if their needs aren’t met.

You deciding I made it about the sex or posters isn’t brilliant or insightful. It’s factually wrong. While MN is mainly used by women, it is not a space exclusively for women.

You don’t get to decide who posts and what opinions it’s acceptable for them to express. I have been here since I went in may leave with my youngest, 13 years ago. Someone who can’t even be bother to read someone’s post, yet thinks they are brilliantly intelligent isn’t going to stop me posting or having my opinions.

If I did want to discuss mens issues. I may choose to do it here. I may not. I am a woman. Even if I wasn’t I am allowed to post whatever I wish here. But nowhere in my post did I discuss womens issues. Since I was born a woman and lived as one for 40 years, even by your own (made up) rules, it’s entirely appropriate for me to post here.

I am assuming you looked at my user name and didn’t realise it’s not my name. Which is ridiculous. Is your first name actually ‘barmy’. Tom Kirkman is a character from Designator survivor not my name 😂😂😂

Shoxfordian · 30/03/2023 06:59

Yabu to not even ask your ex to change the arrangement or pick your child up that night

How have you only just found out where it was when you were invited a while ago? Do you often make time for your partner?