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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do you get past being called a nag/ whinging from by your other half ?

58 replies

nanneo · 29/03/2023 20:16

We are at loggerheads. We can't have a normal conversation anymore.

I'm always being called a nag. This evening, my three year old repeated it. ' stop whingeing ' she said.

Why ? Because she heard her dad shout this at me.

Why ? Because he came home early to help out with the kids, but again - I got them both ready for bed- cleaned up after dinner and tidied up, while he held the baby for a bit and then chilled and watched TV. I had tidied some of the toys away and left a couple of dishes in the sink and said, while I go up to put the three year old to bed, it would be an idea if the place could be properly tidied up.

We also have someone coming round in a bit, so I said it would be good if rather than watching TV, he could tidy up properly. He flew off the handle and told me to stop whingeing.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 29/03/2023 20:19

What a horrible environment to raise children in. Your 3 year old is already mimicking him. He doesn't respect you. It seems he doesn't even like you.

Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

waterlego · 29/03/2023 20:21

I probably wouldn’t get past it 🤷🏼‍♀️ And certainly not if it was a regular feature of my life. My DH has never once called me a nag or accused me of whingeing in the 25 years we’ve been together (and I certainly do ask and remind him to do things 😬)

I guess you have to weigh up whether you can put up with it and whether he has other redeeming features that make you feel this relationship is enough for you.

RightWhereINeedToBe · 29/03/2023 20:28

By leaving him.

CalistoNoSolo · 29/03/2023 20:29

I don't need to get past it because I've only dated/been married to men who value and respect me. Your husband is a nasty little lowlife loser who is already teaching your children to treat women like second class citizens. So what are you going to do OP? Because he won't change.

Loraloralaughs · 29/03/2023 20:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

nanneo · 29/03/2023 20:34

I've had such a terrible week with my baby. In and out of hospital. Ive barely slept. I'm just exhausted. I had a breakdown today where I just kept screaming into my pillow.

I am just so angry. My baby is still not OK and now has developed the nastiest nappy rash and nothing I am doing seems to help. He's screaming so much and I'm constantly changing his nappy. He keeps coughing and pooing a little bit. He's on antibiotics. I probably changed his nappy 20 times today. Every time I'm cleaning him with warm water so I don't irritate him more with wipes etc. at one point he was in such severe pain that he cried so much, he threw up.

He's been throwing up from coughing so much too. I just can't take it. I can't seem to help and the doctors aren't doing much to help either. Or they just can't, rather.

Anyway, I was really at the end today. I couldn't do it anymore. Partner came home early. I texted him saying I'm done with it all and I can't take it anymore.

Even after he knows what kind of a day / week I've had, he still just couldn't let it go that I asked him to tidy up a bit.

OP posts:

Daftasyoulike · 29/03/2023 20:35

What most men can't get through their thick skulls, is that women only 'nag' as they call it, because they fail to do what's asked of them the first time they're asked! As others have said OP, it really doesn't sound as if he appreciates or respects you, and with your young child repeating things he's said, it's time to make up your mind whether you're prepared to continue being treated like this, or whether you have enough self respect left to get up and walk away. Personally, I'd do the later!

shutthewindownow · 29/03/2023 20:36

It sounds more like a teenage son and mother situation. I could t be bothered with it to be honest

turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly · 29/03/2023 20:38

Dont nag play him at his own game,Ask once if he ignores you down tools sit on the sofa like he does dont make dinner ,dont clean up or you could leave the kids with him and go for a long bath or coffee with your friends,whatever you do you must do something that you enjoy and leave the feckless fucker stranded until he decides to help you like he should be doing.So he hasnt got a clean shirt cos you nagged him to bring his laundry down for example tough shit darling you said dont nag you so I didnt sorry you dont have a clean shirt but you would have if you had got your arse in gear...he will learn pretty fast if he knows you are serious.

ThreeblackCats · 29/03/2023 20:39

The last ‘d’h that called me a nag is now my dear ex! My current husband wouldn’t dream of talking to me like that.

shutthewindownow · 29/03/2023 20:39

Sorry he has been so poorly. Let him have a kick around as much as possible and smother him in sudocreme. Give as much nappy free time as you can. I hope he gets better soon x

Brefugee · 29/03/2023 20:39

can you take the baby and stay somewhere?
It sounds relentless, and your poor baby.

I'd just say to your husband that it's not nagging if he's not stepping up and so you're leaving him to it and his mini-me.

PaigeMatthews · 29/03/2023 20:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

His behaviour is unacceptable.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 29/03/2023 20:45

This isn't normal op. Please don't raise your children in this environment.

HotSauceCommittee · 29/03/2023 20:48

"Stop whinging/being a nag."

The response?

"Stop being a cunt then."

Phoebo · 29/03/2023 20:49

It's interesting isn't it, I think we only turn into nags because we need to - who actually wants to be a nag?! I'd tell him you wouldn't need to nag him if he steeped up and got things done!

HotDogJumpingFrogHaveACookie · 29/03/2023 20:51

Let me clear, he shouldn't need to be prompted.

However, if you spoke to me in that way I'd find it very patronising and it would really get my back up. Saying it would be good if... rather than can/will you... is quite passive aggressive.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 29/03/2023 20:53

@Phoebo

I know you mean this in a supportive way but I actually strongly disagree that someone should accept being called a 'nag' or labelling op's behaviour in this way.

Asking your partner to do something while you are busy with something else and then being annoyed or disappointed that they did nothing is not being a 'nag' and it isn't whinging.

Nag is just a word men use to make women shut up and accept their shit behaviour.

Avarua2 · 29/03/2023 20:54

I've found this phrase to be useful:

"Darling, we have dishes to do, DS to put to bed and laundry to be folded. Which one will you do and then we can both sit down together"

It's a way of reminding him that you'd like to sit down too, and that there's jobs to be done, and you're expecting him to do at least one instead of sitting down.

Therealjudgejudy · 29/03/2023 20:54

He really doesn't respect you at all.

Sounds like an uncaring twat

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 29/03/2023 20:54

HotDogJumpingFrogHaveACookie · 29/03/2023 20:51

Let me clear, he shouldn't need to be prompted.

However, if you spoke to me in that way I'd find it very patronising and it would really get my back up. Saying it would be good if... rather than can/will you... is quite passive aggressive.

And does that excuse shouting at her in front of the kids?

PogoThePunk · 29/03/2023 20:57

I wouldn't put up with it.
My DH would get a right tongue lashing if he spoke to me like that, and he knows it.
Given what you've said op, I would be cancelling the visitors.
Try to give your baby as much free kicking as you can, just lay baby on a towel with the changing mat, or a bin liner underneath.
Sounds ridiculous, but avoid using creams when in nappies, the nappy is designed to draw urine away from the skin and lock it into the nappy, creams prevent this from happening correctly, so urine gets trapped between the skin and the cream, causing urine burn ( known as nappy rash ) Bathe with TCP or Dettol in the bathwater and diluted between nappy changes.
Meanwhile, you now have a stark choice of whether you wish to continue with your marriage or not.
If you can, stay elsewhere while you weigh up what you want, sometimes it's easier to see the wood in the tree's on neutral ground rather than being in the forest.

Avarua2 · 29/03/2023 20:57

If he says "none" then you can just say "oh well I guess I'll join you on the couch and we can get the jobs done together in the morning". Thus clearly making it his job to do in the morning.

Avarua2 · 29/03/2023 20:58

The nappy rash could be a strep A type infection and could respond better to antibiotics than creams

Original poster

nanneo · 29/03/2023 21:00

Avarua2 · 29/03/2023 20:58

The nappy rash could be a strep A type infection and could respond better to antibiotics than creams

He's actually on antibiotics already, Broad spectrum

OP posts:

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