How do you get past being called a nag/ whinging from by your other half ?

[nanneo]

We are at loggerheads. We can't have a normal conversation anymore.

I'm always being called a nag. This evening, my three year old repeated it. ' stop whingeing ' she said.

Why ? Because she heard her dad shout this at me.

Why ? Because he came home early to help out with the kids, but again - I got them both ready for bed- cleaned up after dinner and tidied up, while he held the baby for a bit and then chilled and watched TV. I had tidied some of the toys away and left a couple of dishes in the sink and said, while I go up to put the three year old to bed, it would be an idea if the place could be properly tidied up.

We also have someone coming round in a bit, so I said it would be good if rather than watching TV, he could tidy up properly. He flew off the handle and told me to stop whingeing.

He sounds very like my stbxh and though I wouldn't have used a phase like this it could well be the result of previous nasty reactions to straight out asking. I've tied myself in knots many times trying to find a way of asking him to do something that wouldn't result in moody/nasty behaviour.

Just seconding this comment. When your partner reacts badly to direct requests, you often end up trying to “soften” requests for help so they don’t trigger him as much.

Of course, the real problem is that your partner is a lazy, reactive twat, but when you are already struggling to manage the demands of two kids and a household and often at least part-time work as well, you are exhausted and financially vulnerable and simply do not have the time, money or energy to set a high-conflict divorce process in action.

Hand him the baby and do what he does sit and watch tv. Simply tell him "your turn".

The way you speak to him sounds patronising, but I assume you've got to that point because he's a lazy fuck. Either way, its not a healthy relationship to show your children.

I wouldn't get over it.

Nag is a derogatory word only used to diminish women. Decent men don't speak like that.

Your partner is meant to care when you are at your lowest ebb. He isn't behaving like a man who loves his family.

Screw him! I'm angry for you.

Mine does the same. Met with eye rolling when asked to do anything. I’m in charge of everything! Hate having to ask every time... Wouldn’t mind but I’m not nagging / moaning / starting... It’s not who I am.

I divorced mine.

But he’s training you pretty damn well to never ask him isn’t he? You need to prove to him you’re not a nag, so he gets away with doing fuck all.

Many years ago DH said he didn't like the way I'd asked him to help me change the bed or something, it was like I was telling him what to do.

I lost my rag and said if he'd do stuff without asking I wouldn't need to tell/ask/request in any manner whatsoever. I then made a list of jobs that always fell to me to do or initiate, ones that he took charge of (a much smaller list) and said I was going to swap.

We don't have any trouble these days...