To write a 'Mumsnet Ballad?'

[Creditonian]

Threads of late have made me want to write a Mumsnet ballad:

I'm going to write a Mumsnet ballad
Of Chicken, Rice Crispies and a Massive Salad
God forbid we ever exceed a BMI of twenty
It's competitive undereating in a land of plenty

Feel free to add your own verses as you wish ..

Have name-changed for this
He's taking the piss
Narc mother-in-law
Threw out my coleslaw
Should I go no contact?
I mean this kindly
But I can't pick my own children's names
In case random strangers disagree
What does it mean when my toddler
Breathes through her nostrils?
What would you do if my husband
Shat in your bin
And it was less
Than 100 calories?

Mumsnet, oh Mumsnet, you're doing my head in.
I'm totally hooked on what people are threading.
From old ladies banging, to husbands and porn,
and don't get me started on cars parked on lawns!

I'm paranoid now about spiders and dark.
And losing my shit about snacks for the park.
You say I should eat less and moisturise daily.
And when someone insults me just laugh and wave gaily.

Mumsnet, oh Mumsnet just what have you started?
I'm finishing now 'cos I think I just sharted!

(sorry, a bit too long and maybe a bit too rude)

Can't name a celeb ,
It would be too outing ,
My DH is a pleb
Neighbours in her sex pond , pouting
One small chicken lasts a week
All MIL are clearly crazy
LTB , oh no that's a cheek
Anyone who can't work must be lazy

Am I being unreasonable
to order chicken tikka
When I can't even afford
to wash the penis beaker

I popped onto mumsnet
For a lighthearted moan
I ended up laughing
Spat my tea on my phone

My husband's behaviour
Has got me doubting
I'd give some more info
But it would be too outing

My life is a mess
I've grey on the wall
I'm ashamed to say I
Don't use farrow and ball

What do you mean you don't shower three times a day?
Next you will be saying you don't burn your sheets after a roll in the hay!
Childcare issues - get nanny hey!
You can't afford it ? Doesn't everyone earn at least 200k
I don't no what to do so I'm asking on here.
Do I Send my kids private ? But how will I afford five luxury holidays a year.
What do you mean entitled much ? You need to work harder if you are due on you luck!

I'm approaching the menopause and my mind's a bit claggy
But d’you think this behaviour's in any way 'red flaggy?'
DH drinks a bottle of gin, neat in the morning
Am I overreacting? Or is reality dawning?

This is exquisite

Let's introduce some Tickers
And glittery stickers
But before this is turned into a fight of buns
This is NOT 'Nethuns'

It scans!🏅

I love reading all these ❤️ All we need now is a good illustrator and we've got a silly rhyme book for charity 😊😀

I once had a life that was devoid of abbreviation,
Then I found MN - oh! what a revelation!
Now I YANBU and Pearl-clutch along with all the others
While complaining that my IL’s, DH, DC are all CF’s

I lol'd

Do you think this dress is okay?
If you hate please just say .
I'm worried my belly looks lumpy .
Or even worse it may be frumpy !

We so need Mumsnet the Musical

“No” is definitely a complete sentence
And should be used to articulate nonattendance
Of all the stuff you don’t want to do
Such as hen nights, baby showers and evening weddings – ew!
It absolutely won’t be thought of as rude in reality
Don’t apologise, never explain – I’m sure we all agree!

No dogs in my house, no shoes on my floor
Please don't stop by, I'll not answer the door

My mother is daft, "No Contact" I say!
(But she should watch my DC, it's just for a day)

My walls they are gray, but my hair it is not
You can't wear that to a wedding you silly old twat!

That's all for now; I'll stop the trolling
ODFOD, you sound quite controlling!

Get your ducks in a row
And learn to say no
No is a complete sentence
Not rude, you know

Definitely!!

Great idea !

Who'll look after elderly DM?
Have you had him tested for SEN?
There's no one as vicious as mums at school gates
And siblings at parties - what every host hates !!

Take in some ironing
Stop the whining
Get a degree
Move near the sea
Go back to work
Your husband’s a jerk
Go on a spa break
Never eat cake

Our mothers are Narcs - let's all go No Contact
But we do POAs to keep finances intact;
No 'working class' - no kids of that ilk
For breakfast DC lick apple and have quick sniffs of milk

Sorry I'll rewrite it

Our mothers are Narcs - let's all go No Contact
But we do POAs to keep finances intact;
No working class schools - no kids of that ilk
For breakfast DC lick apples and have quick sniffs of milk

5 years ago our relationship did hit the skids

• "bit why did you stay and have 3 more kids?"

Never mind I'll just batch cook for a fortnight But with unwanted invites I just cannot be forthright !!

Sorry I'll just rewrite this

5 years ago our marriage did hit the skids
But why did you stay and have 3 more kids?
Never mind I'll just stand here and batch cook for a fortnight
With unwanted invites I cannot be forthright