To write a 'Mumsnet Ballad?'

[Creditonian]

Threads of late have made me want to write a Mumsnet ballad:

I'm going to write a Mumsnet ballad
Of Chicken, Rice Crispies and a Massive Salad
God forbid we ever exceed a BMI of twenty
It's competitive undereating in a land of plenty

Feel free to add your own verses as you wish ..

No parking threads without a diagram
Can you see a line? I forgot my diaphragm
McDonald's for supper ignites my wrath
Shouldn't we be opting instead for bone broth?

Being 'Remainer' and very 'liberal' are cool
But DON'T send your kids to a 'working class' school
Install a Ring doorbell to be on the safe side
If it rings unexpectedly -don't answer - just hide!

I wonder what most Mumsnetters do,
When faced with a bowl scuffed with poo.
If they're lacking a brush, and it's too stubborn to flush,
These massive salads just stick on like glue!

I'm lonely, isolated and out of the loop
Without me they've started a WhatsApp group
From now on when I see them it'll be a breezy hello
Will I miss expensive Hen Nights? Well that's a 'Hell, No!'

People today are lazy and fat,
The food is all processed, and SO MANY snacks,
To be teeny tiny, make your salads big,
There's a good girl woman, now don't be a pig.

---

The builders are in? One must make tea and biscuits,
They can wee in the toilet, but no smelly big shits,
No pebble dashing, or pubes on the loo,
And they must crack a window, and spray vi-poo.

---

My husband behaves like a prick,
His attitude to life makes me sick.
He forgot Mothers Day, I think he's playing away,
LTB! Get your ducks in a row quick!

My newborn can't yet count to ten,
Their slackness is driving me round the bend.
Yes I know it's been a week, but my teaching is peak,
Should I get them assessed for SEN?

Sorry, I am getting far too into this! It's been a bit of a day!

Let's not nominate a singer for this!!!

It’s Mumsnet, non-parents shouldn’t be here
No men are wanted that much is clear
Get over to Gransnet once you get older
if you stay, a name change makes you act bolder

Annoying reversers and those hairy of hand
Like to push boundaries but not to get banned
MNHQ please do try and get things right
Removing the ads would improve the site

You keep your cat in? That’s so cruel and unkind
But if it shits in my garden I’ll kick its behind!
As a landlord I will not be renting to you
Cos through my floorboards your cat will most certainly chew

I just went on Mumsnet to pass the time while I rested,
It started as a bit of fun but now I'm so invested,
My cuppa has gone cold and the biscuits I've ingested,
But the OP never told us if she'd done what we'd suggested!

Can you see a line? Is my foetus male?
My three-week old baby just swallowed a nail.
My foot is all yellow, my mouth is all green,
I think I may have ruptured my spleen.
My head wounds a-gaping, my leg’s black and blue,
My intestines fell out when I went to the loo,
Should I call the doc? Or try A&E?
Nah, I’ll ask Mumsnet while cooking the tea.

Neighbours are smoking in the lobby,
DH spent 8 grand on his expensive hobby,
Cleaner hasn't changed my bedding,
Is this dress suitable for a wedding?

Neighbours parked on my lawn,
DH watching porn,
Cleaner hasn't changed my bedding,
Is this dress suitable for a wedding?

Neighbours bbq made me sick,
DH called me thick,
Cleaner hasn't changed my bedding,
Is this dress suitable for a wedding?

Nappies that don't leak?
MIL will only babysit six nights a week!
Don't need the mobile phone emergency warning.
Why is Phil Schofield not on This Morning?

Here's an opinion that's sure to divide:
But I'm only responding to those on my side.
You disagree? Ugh, work on your reading skills!
(Being rude on the internet gives me such thrills.)

The man-child I married is doing my nut in
3 children later, still expects to do nothin’
The mental load is making me weaker
How I long for the days of the great penis beaker

Should I move to Scotland although I’ve never been there?
Should I buy this old & really shit house?
Parents spent my inheritance, don’t they care?
What should I do about this infestation of mouse?
What about this new build, it’s all white and grey
The builders say it’ll be finished by May (2047).

Mid morning snack?
I don't understand
Coz all I eat is dust and sand.
My BMI must not pass twenty
One tin of soup
For four, that's plenty.

But if it is a special night
A spoon of pate sees me right.
A pleasure that I cannot cease.
Can't do without my centrepiece.

I went to Waitrose just last week
Could not believe the utter cheek
A lone patron used parent and child
So 101 I swiftly dialled
How dare she use that sacred spot
When tiny children she had not
I shook and sobbed, I sobbed and shook
At the nerve of Lady Muck
But when I told DH, of course
He claimed these rules can't be enforced!

😂😂😂😂😂

there once was a forum called mumsnet
I hear all the landlords did slums let
they say that the trolls
wont do as they're told
but we all love the forum called mumsnet

(Sorry, I know it's more limerick than ballad)

So bad! They cry over the sugary toffee,
Much more classy to have cheese in your coffee,
Or the Mumsnet chook that'll feed you for a week,
While the baby name answers we all do seek.

Over the keyboard said coffee is always spat,
Although not through mirth - "I'm not drinking that!"
Everyone and more on £100k,
Or quite simply they get less than a penny a day.

Complaints about neighbours that we should never hear,
But be prepared for the "Oh do fuck off dear!"
No bounds for your idiocy if you voted Tory,
Labour doesn't know a woman, it's all got quite gory!