If someone ghosts you is it normally your own fault?

[Ostracised]

I feel like I’m going crazy. I was seeing someone, only for a few months and we never said exclusively, when he just cut me off on my birthday. He had sent lots of thoughtful gifts but was being really weird about coming for birthday drinks with our mutual friends and hasn’t spoken to me since. That was over three weeks ago and I’m still hurt when I think about it. Mutual friends have intimated that I was the problem and maybe I was. It feels like the other way around, like I’ve been manipulated and nobody else can see it, but is that just how a toxic person would describe things?

Why do they think you were the problem?

One of them told me that I’d caused him to have a panic attack but they couldn’t say exactly what it was that I did except being insensitive during a phone call. I’d joked that ‘it’s not all about you’ when he was going on and on about why he wouldn’t come out with us that night. Apparently this upset him so much he had to pull over his car and he had a panic attack. Another friend simply said they were not surprised he’d dropped me after this incident.

It feels horrible to consider I could be so toxic, humiliating to think other people who weren’t even there have discussed it and know more than I do about what I did or said wrong and mostly confusing because why does it bother me so much?

What were the reasons he gave for not coming for drinks?

TBH " It's not all about you" is what my friends and I say to each other if one of us is acting a bit self absorbed.

Obviously if they wanted to talk about things more seriously then we would listen.

It’s him , not you.
it’s a bit weird that friends would say otherwise, I think they are not true friends.

the guy obviously wasn’t ready to be a real couple and he got scared.

In my experience, ghosting would happen for one of two reasons - they’ve lost interest in you or someone else interests them more. If the former, it’s hard to know if it was you or them - could have been they found you annoying or could have been that your personalities didn’t click for him. Either way, ghosting is shit and reflects more on him because a grown up should be able to communicate properly.

If the latter, they most likely will be back, which is when you ghost them.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet to be honest.

Wouldnt give any more brain space to the fool.

You don’t buy lots of gifts and then stop contact, that is just mixed messages and cruel. If he behaved like this then I’m inclined to say the problem was with him. He shouldn’t have sent all the gifts if he was planning on ending things.

Sod him. I'm not too taken with your mutual friends either. A panic attack ?! Hilarious nonsense it what that is!

I’d joked that ‘it’s not all about you’ when he was going on and on about why he wouldn’t come out with us that night.

What we're the reasons that he was explaining to you?

E.g. if he was explaining that he couldn't come out because a relative or his favourite pet had died, this is a horrible response. If he was explaining that he couldn't come out because he was washing his hair, it's fine.

Of course not.

If you had done something wrong what stopped him from telling you and finishing things? He's a coward.

It's him. Even if you did something to make him decide not to continue it is his lack of emotional maturity that leads to ghosting.

He sounds hard work.

You’re not responsible for what someone else does. There were other choices he could have made if he was unhappy, that’s his decision nothing to do with yiu.

Trash took itself out. You don't want to be with a manchild incapable of communicating

Massively this.

If he was telling you about something which was causing him anxiety, stress, pain etc and you brushed it off then yes it's mean spirited and could well lead someone to spiral.

If he was just generally whining that he couldn't be bothered then he just sounds self involved.

Agree with@yewtrees OP.

Ghosting is rubbish, its the equivalent of flouncing out, leaving those behind wondering what they said or did.

The fact that he was 'going on and on' about not coming to party sounds odd. That probably he didn't want to be there for whatever reason, then made it about you, on your birthday. Your friends sound somewhat blaming too.
Hope you meet someone more suitable soon.

I’d joked that ‘it’s not all about you’ when he was going on and on about why he wouldn’t come out with us that night. Apparently this upset him so much he had to pull over his car and he had a panic attack. Another friend simply said they were not surprised he’d dropped me after this incident.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Be glad you only wasted a few months on him.

Thanks everyone. The reasons he was giving for not coming were confusing to me, our last few interactions had been intense with him railing against various injustices perpetrated against people close to him. It was hard to keep up as I didn’t know any of the people, an example I do remember well was a friend of his that I’d only met once had a flatmate who left rubbish in their shared courtyard. He, my ex, was very worked up about it. All our conversations were like this towards the end and they would go on for up to three hours. I can’t remember the exact topic on my birthday but I remember feeling exhausted and exasperated. I couldn’t keep up because I didn’t know any of the people and the events became more convoluted and I questioned why he was so very involved that it could become so destabilising to him and that I think is what upset him. It was things like, his dad had a plumber who didn’t do a very good job and this enraged him on several levels because he felt his dad had been taken advantage of but also that his dad called in a plumber without consulting him first, even though he’s not a plumber. Or that his sister was renting a flat where the evil landlord wasn’t complying with gas regulations. Basically his world was full of these genuinely unjust everyday problems but somehow they were all enlarged to giant proportions and they all seemed to affect him personally to the point where they somehow became his responsibility. Eg he would be up all night researching property laws and although that’s not my field I am legally qualified and knew enough to advise him to encourage his sister to seek free legal advice at a local law clinic. This just seemed to enrage him.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet there and he has got to friends and told them his side of the story first which makes him the victim. He sounds very high maintenance and someone who loves drama. The fact that you are that you may be toxic demonstrates that you actually aren't, if you were you wouldn't care about what you had done. Good luck finding someone better, you deserve it 😊

It’s just upsetting to me to realise how childishly I want our mutual friends to see my point of view. He has a way of making himself indispensable to people, offering lifts and doing favours and is generally well liked.

I am relieved in a way as I am beginning to understand how many red flags there were (all his exes are crazy, he is dishonest) and hope I learn something from this while I get back to enjoying my single life.

What you describe sounds like a MH crisis or manic episode of some kind.

Thank you Overthinker 💐

Agree with this.

You’ve dodged a bullet I’d walk away and Google narcissistic behavior.

Are you sure you’re telling this exactly how it happened. Because I doubt that you are tbh. Sounds like potentially you were pushing him into doing something he didn’t feel comfortable with and weren’t taking no for an answer.

Use this as an opportunity for growth.