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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If someone ghosts you is it normally your own fault?

63 replies

Ostracised · 28/03/2023 14:43

I feel like I’m going crazy. I was seeing someone, only for a few months and we never said exclusively, when he just cut me off on my birthday. He had sent lots of thoughtful gifts but was being really weird about coming for birthday drinks with our mutual friends and hasn’t spoken to me since. That was over three weeks ago and I’m still hurt when I think about it. Mutual friends have intimated that I was the problem and maybe I was. It feels like the other way around, like I’ve been manipulated and nobody else can see it, but is that just how a toxic person would describe things?

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 28/03/2023 16:57

He will have given his friends a version of the events that paints him as the victim of outrageous lack of consideration on your part. He will have explained how upset he had been at whatever he was telling you about, will have failed to mention that he’s been ranting about various things for days, that he had no clue about anything going on in your life because all he could do was talk about himself and how he centered in his friends’ dramas. He will have emphasised his emotional reaction and your lack of concern. Basically, the drama in which you were slightly exasperated at his self-absorption will have been painted as the sort of drama he’s been boring you with where anything that’s not quite perfect is the most outrageous and convoluted harm you can imagine.

If he’s been using you as the sounding board for his self obsession for a while, they won’t see the pattern. This won’t be the 20th thing he’s been upset about in as many days to them. They’ll have had calm interactions with him for a while (because he’s focusing his rants on you) and suddenly he’s upset and agitated because of you and they’ll see it as something unusual that you caused.

Since they’re mutual friends who (I assume) you’d like to keep as friends, I would just express regret that he’s reacted like that, maybe wish you’d used different wording, and concern because he’s been so agitated over so much lately in a way that isn’t healthy. And then change the subject. It sounds like the sort of thing that will eventually catch up with him and people will realise. You just need to hint that it wasn’t all paradise for you either and seem regretful. (But really, as pp said - you’ve dodged a bullet).

Overthinker09 · 28/03/2023 16:59

Ostracised · 28/03/2023 16:40

It’s just upsetting to me to realise how childishly I want our mutual friends to see my point of view. He has a way of making himself indispensable to people, offering lifts and doing favours and is generally well liked.

I am relieved in a way as I am beginning to understand how many red flags there were (all his exes are crazy, he is dishonest) and hope I learn something from this while I get back to enjoying my single life.

I think it's natural to want mutual friends to understand your perception of events, there are two sides to every story and it's not nice to feel blamed and judged. It seems but shitty of your friends to automatically believe his version without questioning your version, but some people are very small minded. Try not to let it get to you too much. Maybe send him a message to apologise if you made him feel some type of way, you can't do much more than that really.

Original poster
Ostracised · 28/03/2023 16:59

It’s definitely an opportunity for growth. No, I didn’t really want him to come out with us as last time we’d socialised with the group he was moody and silent the whole time and then got angry with me for offering someone a lift home when we were going past their house on the way to mine. We didn’t even have to turn off into a side street. But I should really have asked him first if it was ok as he was driving.

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 28/03/2023 17:00

He's a drama queen.....

LookingOldTheseDays · 28/03/2023 17:01

Moody, silent and angry, in the first few months of the relationship, over something as trivial as giving a lift?

You've not just dodged a bullet, you've dodged a missile.

Loki64 · 28/03/2023 17:17

Even if he did want to call things off after said incident, he could have at least dropped u a txt to explain that instead of ghosting u.

Its not you OP xx

CantGetDecentNickname · 28/03/2023 18:35

NumberTheory · 28/03/2023 16:57

He will have given his friends a version of the events that paints him as the victim of outrageous lack of consideration on your part. He will have explained how upset he had been at whatever he was telling you about, will have failed to mention that he’s been ranting about various things for days, that he had no clue about anything going on in your life because all he could do was talk about himself and how he centered in his friends’ dramas. He will have emphasised his emotional reaction and your lack of concern. Basically, the drama in which you were slightly exasperated at his self-absorption will have been painted as the sort of drama he’s been boring you with where anything that’s not quite perfect is the most outrageous and convoluted harm you can imagine.

If he’s been using you as the sounding board for his self obsession for a while, they won’t see the pattern. This won’t be the 20th thing he’s been upset about in as many days to them. They’ll have had calm interactions with him for a while (because he’s focusing his rants on you) and suddenly he’s upset and agitated because of you and they’ll see it as something unusual that you caused.

Since they’re mutual friends who (I assume) you’d like to keep as friends, I would just express regret that he’s reacted like that, maybe wish you’d used different wording, and concern because he’s been so agitated over so much lately in a way that isn’t healthy. And then change the subject. It sounds like the sort of thing that will eventually catch up with him and people will realise. You just need to hint that it wasn’t all paradise for you either and seem regretful. (But really, as pp said - you’ve dodged a bullet).

This is a good post. In addition, you could add that he'd described all his Ex's as crazy so no doubt, is doing the same for you with an "oh well, never mind" and then letting it go to signify that you have moved on.

Soontobemumof2x · 28/03/2023 18:39

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 28/03/2023 15:08

Sounds like you dodged a bullet to be honest.

Wouldnt give any more brain space to the fool.

Absolutely this!!!! 👏

Ace56 · 28/03/2023 18:58

No, it’s never your fault if you’re ghosted, it just means the other person lacks basic communication skills or just doesn’t care enough about you to end things properly. It’s just rude imo. Either way, they’re showing themselves to be someone you wouldn’t want to be with so I wouldn’t be too distraught about it.

SeekChase · 28/03/2023 21:50

Overthinker09 · 28/03/2023 16:59

I think it's natural to want mutual friends to understand your perception of events, there are two sides to every story and it's not nice to feel blamed and judged. It seems but shitty of your friends to automatically believe his version without questioning your version, but some people are very small minded. Try not to let it get to you too much. Maybe send him a message to apologise if you made him feel some type of way, you can't do much more than that really.

Show quote history

He sounds like a narcissist and they are his flying monkeys. He probably wants it all about him and you saying it wasn't enraged him.

DisappearingGirl · 28/03/2023 22:02

Well I was all set to say no-one can really say on here whose fault it was ... but having read your posts I would say it was definitely his! I am exhausted just reading about him! What a drama queen!!

BlueJellycat · 28/03/2023 22:08

It's him
Not you

highfidelity · 28/03/2023 23:03

Ghosting is always a reflection of them, not you. It's the coward's way out.

Original poster
Ostracised · 29/03/2023 09:40

Thanks for all the validation. It’s a shame I can’t give his side of the story but something about posting this has dislodged other memories, confirming the lucky escape I’ve had and helping me see humour in the situation.

OP posts:
PurpleAirGuitar · 29/03/2023 10:00

I was once ghosted by a friend, not a boyfriend. The immediate cause of it was an argument after I accidentally hurt her feelings with a flippant comment that was probably about as extreme/un-extreme as "it's not all about you." It was something I'd say to my own children in a jokey way and they would know I wasn't entirely serious, but I hadn't seen this friend for a while and had forgotten that she could be quick to take offence for unexpected reasons.

I believed for about 10 years that it was at least partly my fault - that she might have overreacted, but I had been insensitive and could have handled it better.

I've recently been in touch with someone else who knows her well, and I have discovered that she has a pattern of behaving like this with lots of people. She has been described as narcissistic. She remains friends with people as long as they make her feel good about herself by validating everything she does, but can't tolerate the slightest criticism. From what I've now heard, it's very likely that she would have been saying unpleasant things about me behind my back after she rejected my friendship, as she has done that to others.

You said you felt "like I’ve been manipulated and nobody else can see it." This is exactly how a person like this operates. By letting you know that you've terribly upset them, they make you feel uneasy about accepting that they were part of the problem too. It's only when you talk to others who have experienced the same thing that you really understand what's going on. Once could be a misunderstanding, lots of times is a person who really doesn't know how to sustain good friendships.

I don't know for sure that this man is similar, but you certainly have nothing to lose by staying away from him, and probably everything to gain. If he ever tries to patch things up with you, just let him know that you don't feel you are compatible. You don't have to give detailed reasons, and he won't believe them anyway because people like that are never in the wrong.

Original poster
Ostracised · 29/03/2023 11:10

I think narcissism does come into it, or some kind of brittle identity thing where his core value as a person is easily threatened. I have no interest in getting back together with him, I just feel a bit lonely and sad about plans involving the group of friends that I go way further back with than he does but from which I’m effectively excluded. Everyone thinks so highly of him. He’s emotionally fragile and I’m blunt to the point of toxicity, that seems to be the general consensus. It hurts because I have a long history of severe depression which sometimes culminated in hospitalisation in the past and I hate to think of causing someone else to become unwell. We were friends for a few months before we got together and I really cherished our friendship in the beginning even though it unraveled quickly with physical intimacy. I was hit with three bereavements which I think clouded my judgment of his character at the time.

It’s a relief to post about this tbh.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 29/03/2023 11:16

You haven't caused him to become unwell. He sounds very unwell anyway. He sounds completely paranoid and as though he has serious mental health problems. Given his attitude and the way he talks at such length about such nonsense I think it's an absolute blessing that he has ghosted you.

SavBlancTonight · 29/03/2023 11:17

The behaviour you describe in person suggests that he's now got you on his list of things that he's completely blowing out of proportion.

It's a pity that your friends are falling for this. I guess they haven't seen the other behaviour. But if they're so quick to believe him then you're probably better off without them. If they're genuinely good friends you could try just saying, "well, it obviously didn't work out. It's a pity he reacted so strongly to be asking him to attend an event and then didn't bother to actually end it with me, but hey ho." and leave it at that and hope they let it go . If they don't, move on.

As for reasons for ghosting, I think people ghost because either a) the other person did or said something THEY consider not acceptable b) they meet someone else c) they have something else going on in their lives. But as a rule, it's a cowardly and silly way to behave. Simple courtesy dictates that at least a message saying, "I don't think this will work out. I wish you luck in the future" would be polite.

Original poster
Ostracised · 29/03/2023 11:19

The reason I worry I have this back to front is because everyone says he doesn’t have a bad word to say about me. He cares about me but has the right to protect his mental health, friends say, whereas I cycle through anger and hurt feelings about it all but nobody wants to hear it.

I probably should find new friends in the near future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ostracised · 29/03/2023 11:22

Thanks Internet Strangers for the wise counsel here.

OP posts:
Nooyoiknooyoik · 29/03/2023 11:30

Emanresu9 · 28/03/2023 16:48

You’ve dodged a bullet I’d walk away and Google narcissistic behavior.

I think YOU need to Google narcissistic behaviour.

Original poster
Ostracised · 29/03/2023 11:33

Haha is narcissism a ‘takes one to know one’ type of thing?

OP posts:
Nooyoiknooyoik · 29/03/2023 11:34

It sounds like the two of you came together at a time when you were both mentally vulnerable. Chances of success were low. His behaviour reflects him more than you. He may be better at garnering sympathy in the short term - hence your friends (hopefully temporarily?) taking his side. But maybe your friends have their own issues? If you feel your own mental health is improving is it time to try to meet some people who do not have mental health issues?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 29/03/2023 11:43

You are well rid, and it is really important not to start overthinking a brief unsatisfactory relationship simply because he has ghosted you, when the truth is you weren't that crazy about him anyway. He was tedious and now you don't have to listen to it anymore - problem solved, on to the next.

CruCru · 29/03/2023 11:48

Honestly? Can you imagine how ghastly it would be to be married to this man? Listening to him go on and on about perceived injustices and other people’s failures. He sounds like Victor Meldrew. And this was the early days when it is meant to be easy and fun.

If the mutual friends tell him that you’re upset he ghosted you, he probably likes that - he has power to upset you and make you reflect on how terrible you were.

Go out with other people (not the mutual friends) and have fun. If asked about him, be brief and breezy - it didn’t work out and that’s probably a good thing.

If he does come back, tell him that you’ve moved on and don’t feel that way about him any more.