Page 3 | If someone ghosts you is it normally your own fault?

Ostracised · 2023-03-28T13:43:49+00:00

I feel like I’m going crazy. I was seeing someone, only for a few months and we never said exclusively, when he just cut me off on my birthday. He had sent lots of thoughtful gifts but was being really weird about coming for birthday drinks with our mutual friends and hasn’t spoken to me since. That was over three weeks ago and I’m still hurt when I think about it. Mutual friends have intimated that I was the problem and maybe I was. It feels like the other way around, like I’ve been manipulated and nobody else can see it, but is that just how a toxic person would describe things?

passiveaggressivenonsense · 29/03/2023 11:54

It sounds like he's playing the victim to your friends in order to manipulate them into creating conflict. It's a form of control and it sucks. I've been the victim of this sort of triangulation. He sounds a bit of a sociopath.

Original poster

Ostracised · 29/03/2023 13:08

“Can you imagine how ghastly it would be to be married to this man?” Weirdly that was another red flag I stupidly let slide. I don’t really believe in marriage even though my parents are still together without problems, but this guy was talking about it early on. Even though he couldn’t come up with even one happily married couple and his own parents had had a really messy divorce. He was very attached to the idea of marriage. He couldn’t even begin to wrap his head around why its history and the wedding traditions might still be problematic for women today. Why he has a surname of his own but I only have my dad’s name. Yet somehow he doesn’t come across like this at all in person, he’s very left wing and passionate about social inequality. It’s really put me off dating for now.

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Nooyoiknooyoik · 29/03/2023 14:09

Ostracised · 29/03/2023 13:08

“Can you imagine how ghastly it would be to be married to this man?” Weirdly that was another red flag I stupidly let slide. I don’t really believe in marriage even though my parents are still together without problems, but this guy was talking about it early on. Even though he couldn’t come up with even one happily married couple and his own parents had had a really messy divorce. He was very attached to the idea of marriage. He couldn’t even begin to wrap his head around why its history and the wedding traditions might still be problematic for women today. Why he has a surname of his own but I only have my dad’s name. Yet somehow he doesn’t come across like this at all in person, he’s very left wing and passionate about social inequality. It’s really put me off dating for now.

He only has his dad’s name too, surely?

Original poster

Ostracised · 29/03/2023 15:01

Yes exactly but this came as a surprise to him when I pointed it out! To be fair I guess there was a time when I didn’t question these things either.

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Original poster

Ostracised · 10/05/2023 10:59

Did some of you predict he would come crawling back eventually? I’ve had a couple of texts lately, the first as if nothing had happened and the second was an apology.

Fairly certain I’ll ignore him, everything has settled with our mutual friends and I’m enjoying making new connections through a change of job.

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RudsyFarmer · 10/05/2023 11:15

Ostracised · 28/03/2023 16:33

Thanks everyone. The reasons he was giving for not coming were confusing to me, our last few interactions had been intense with him railing against various injustices perpetrated against people close to him. It was hard to keep up as I didn’t know any of the people, an example I do remember well was a friend of his that I’d only met once had a flatmate who left rubbish in their shared courtyard. He, my ex, was very worked up about it. All our conversations were like this towards the end and they would go on for up to three hours. I can’t remember the exact topic on my birthday but I remember feeling exhausted and exasperated. I couldn’t keep up because I didn’t know any of the people and the events became more convoluted and I questioned why he was so very involved that it could become so destabilising to him and that I think is what upset him. It was things like, his dad had a plumber who didn’t do a very good job and this enraged him on several levels because he felt his dad had been taken advantage of but also that his dad called in a plumber without consulting him first, even though he’s not a plumber. Or that his sister was renting a flat where the evil landlord wasn’t complying with gas regulations. Basically his world was full of these genuinely unjust everyday problems but somehow they were all enlarged to giant proportions and they all seemed to affect him personally to the point where they somehow became his responsibility. Eg he would be up all night researching property laws and although that’s not my field I am legally qualified and knew enough to advise him to encourage his sister to seek free legal advice at a local law clinic. This just seemed to enrage him.

So, man with poor mental health stops talking to you for reasons only known to himself. Happens all the time. My current relationship occurred at a time when I was very, very low and funnily enough i ghosted my partner too.

What I want to know is what’s up with your friends?!!!

Glitteratitar · 10/05/2023 11:41

Yep, I predicted he would be back. They usually come back when it doesn’t work out with whoever caught their attention.

Just ignore him. He doesn’t deserve your time or attention. He’ll ghost you again when someone else comes along.

MissingMoominMamma · 10/05/2023 11:43

He sounds bonkers!

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2023 11:44

He sounds like a self-involved dick who can't read a room. Your friends sound very unkind. Dump all of them and find better friends.

FernGully43 · 10/05/2023 11:53

Just read through your thread, op. Please don't go back. What a miserable life you'd have with him.

Glad to read things with your friends are ok again

clpsmum · 10/05/2023 12:03

No it's not your fault

Divorcedalongtime · 10/05/2023 13:02

Ostracised · 10/05/2023 10:59

Did some of you predict he would come crawling back eventually? I’ve had a couple of texts lately, the first as if nothing had happened and the second was an apology.

Fairly certain I’ll ignore him, everything has settled with our mutual friends and I’m enjoying making new connections through a change of job.

Men ALWAYS come back to guaranteed sex, always, without fail.

Original poster

Ostracised · 10/05/2023 13:18

Thanks all. Definitely not interested in any more involvement with him on any level. Besides, I’ve started dating again and I can see how much my relationship with him has affected my confidence in general.

I don’t blame my old friends for sympathising with him, they are kindhearted. Also I think he’s really careful about what he reveals of himself to them.

From a distance I get a much better view of him pulling their strings. EG he puts them in touch with other people who can help them professionally but always in a way that keeps him central to it all. In this way they become reliant upon him without even knowing it. He owes everyone money. It’s only a matter of time until they see him for what he is.

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