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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed at assumption I'll be giving up hobbies as a new mum

71 replies

Modemaman · 27/03/2023 22:21

Perhaps I'm being ridiculously naive and don't know what's about to hit me. I'm in late stages of pregnancy, due in April and first baby.

Me and DH attend a weekly night class together at local college (not sport related) and tonight they were trying to get numbers for who would be moving to next more advanced class in September.

Comment/ assumption from (female) teacher implied that I wouldn't be coming back but DH would. I explained we wanted to try and work around it somehow or attend classes on different nights/ alternate or maybe the online version of the class which is also an option. We're not sure yet tbh but the intention was always to continue as we both enjoy this class. We unfortunately don't have relatives nearby who could help with childcare.

Other older mothers with grown up kids in the class looked at me patronisingly as if I had no idea of the reality. Maybe I don't. But I feel annoyed that it's assumed as the woman I will give everything up while DH is free to continue as before with hobbies and interests. I imagine this will be the first of many such comments so I need to chill but I feel deflated and annoyed.

Yabu - you have no idea what's about to hit you

Yanbu - these assumptions are common and unfair, easy to feel annoyed

OP posts:
Mochinated · 27/03/2023 22:25

Specifically saying you have to give up hobbies while DH carries on = sexist shite

Both of you having to give up hobbies for the first 6 months of baby's life = Well duh

CombatBarbie · 27/03/2023 22:26

I'd have told her DH is unlikely to return in Sep.

You are right, new mums are stigmatised at having no life outside of the baby or the house.

Echobelly · 27/03/2023 22:27

You're not being entirely unreasonable, but in all likelihood a new mum will have to give a miss to hobbies for first 3 months or so, as it's so tiring and a lot of adjustment so you're just not likely to fit it in and certainly in those first 12 weeks, even with an 'easy' baby it is hard to commit to anything and you end up cancelling a lot of stuff. After that, yes, should be possible to get back to hobbies if DP/other support people will help.

Abouttimemum · 27/03/2023 22:30

I think you are starting off on the right foot for both of you to pre agree that each of you is capable of parenting a baby while you both continue to partake in the things that you enjoy. It is really irritating that even women have this dreadful attitude.

Xzxzxzxz · 27/03/2023 22:30

Echobelly · 27/03/2023 22:27

You're not being entirely unreasonable, but in all likelihood a new mum will have to give a miss to hobbies for first 3 months or so, as it's so tiring and a lot of adjustment so you're just not likely to fit it in and certainly in those first 12 weeks, even with an 'easy' baby it is hard to commit to anything and you end up cancelling a lot of stuff. After that, yes, should be possible to get back to hobbies if DP/other support people will help.

If DP will help? DP is the child's father.

Chateau · 27/03/2023 22:31

Don't know if you're intending to breastfeed but if so it can be difficult to get out for longer periods of time (not impossible but does take a bit of planning).

Original poster
Modemaman · 27/03/2023 22:31

By September baby will be nearly six months so hope it would be realistic to pick the class up again. Obvious for this year's final term and over the summer I'll be focused on baby.

It's a German class so there are online options but I enjoy going to a classroom each week and hoped it could continue.

OP posts:
ChangingUsernamesLikeUnderwear · 27/03/2023 22:31

Ridiculous and sexist to assume your DH will be attending. Realistic to assume you’ll both be out of action for the first 3 months at least.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/03/2023 22:31

Its tricky.

Both of us gave up evening hobbies for a good while as we just found it a shock and had a baby that hated evenings and would scream all through 'witching hour' from about 5pm to 11pm ubless they were upright and being walked about in between cluster feeds...so we really needed both of us at home as it made us feel insane if we didnt share the load. However I breastfed and the cluster feeding obviously couldnt have been done by my husband so technically he could have gone out but I'd have really struggled for the first 6 months.

I think a lot of people have similar experiences especially when they breastfeed. Saying that, a really low proportion of people breastfeed after the first few weeks so in most cases there is no reason why nights off shouldn't be shared

Abouttimemum · 27/03/2023 22:32

Xzxzxzxz · 27/03/2023 22:30

If DP will help? DP is the child's father.

Show quote history

Yep, and this is where it starts and ends. Men do not look after, help with or babysit their own children. Sick to death of hearing this from both sexes.

ChangingUsernamesLikeUnderwear · 27/03/2023 22:33

If DP will help? DP is the child's father.

💯

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 27/03/2023 22:33

Yanbu. If your DH can continue with the class, then why wouldn't you be able to? Obviously, you'll have to work around each other for childcare but there is no real reason why it has to be you that quits. Even if you're breastfeeding, it should be possible to take long enough out for a language class.

I would understand a bit more if the class started within a few weeks of you giving birth, but baby will be 5 months old by September? Should be fine!

NeverMindTryAgain · 27/03/2023 22:33

I would sign neither of you up for the next course and relook in a few months time if that's a possibility?

First baby, fifth baby, it doesn't matter. They all have their own quirks and habits and you don't know how much recovery time you'll need and how much sleep you'll both get. I was volunteering at a food bank after my first with him in a sling because he couldn't sleep enough. I could barely leave the house for three months after my second because she was an entirely different kettle or fish!

Hiddenvoice · 27/03/2023 22:34

I think a lot of people expect the mum to give up their hobbies and I see it as old fashioned. I had my first baby last year. I’ve had to slow down my hobbies and maybe don’t get to do them as often as I’d like but my dh has been the exact same. We often try to give each other the time to spend on hobbies. My dh will regularly tell me to go and have a break as being a new mum is all time consuming. Best job in the world but the most exhausting too.

I felt like I lost myself when I became a mum as I didn’t have the time to do everything I wanted. Most mums I’ve spoken to have felt the same and I wish I got back on with my hobbies earlier on. I love being a mum but sometimes it’s important to remember that I am me too, I am my own person with my own likes. Keep going with your hobby! You might find time to carry it on quickly or you might feel you need more of a routine first or getting settled first but whatever you do, find the time for you and ignore the patronising mums who have ‘been there, done that’

Minimummonday · 27/03/2023 22:34

Depends on the baby, does not depend on your sex. If baby is easy no problem

Focalpoint · 27/03/2023 22:36

Took me 15 years for hobbies to return to my life after I had my first.....but then I had 2 more and a full time job.

Feetupteashot · 27/03/2023 22:36

Think this is unrealistic if you breastfeed as baby often wants to clustered in evening when there is less other stuff going on.
If this evening class is a massive priority you could probably make it work. But you might be completely knackered in evening and not fancy it. Assuming you're on mat leave I'd find a German friend with baby a similar age and have coffee in the daytime

Lovingmynewbicycle · 27/03/2023 22:37

I'm ancient and yet I'm amazed that here we are, in 2023, and some mothers still refer to fathers 'helping

I'll admit the first 6 months were pretty chaotic, especially second time around, but after 6 months I went back to the gym and started going to the theatre and concerts again. Mostly on my own due to a dearth of babysitters, but my DH and I were fine with that.

Original poster
Modemaman · 27/03/2023 22:37

Xzxzxzxz · 27/03/2023 22:30

If DP will help? DP is the child's father.

Show quote history

DH has offered to facilitate me still going and he can look into other options. He has been clear that after first few months he'll try and help me have moments during the week to do these kind of things and give me a break so can't really fault him on that. But it seems the rest of the world expects different

OP posts:
DoubleChocolateBrownies · 27/03/2023 22:38

Now that my baby is 5 months old I have started going to an evening class 7-9pm once a week. I feed baby to sleep for the night just before leaving and DP stays home. Couldn’t have done it before this stage as she’s EBF and doesn’t take a bottle but now it works just fine!

buckingmad · 27/03/2023 22:38

Ridiculous. I don’t know what the hobby is but why couldn’t you still go with baby strapped to you. I carried on with all my hobbies. You just make it work.

pinkpotatoez · 27/03/2023 22:39

No she shouldn't have assumed DH would continue but I'd say it will be very hard for either of you in the first few months / 6 months and I say that as a new mum with a lot of support/ people to take baby for a few hours. I hate to say it but in those few hours there are more important things that need to be done - cleaning, laundry, catching up on sleep. It will be hard but definitely not impossible, you may find it a doddle!

Tryphenia · 27/03/2023 22:40

Abouttimemum · 27/03/2023 22:30

I think you are starting off on the right foot for both of you to pre agree that each of you is capable of parenting a baby while you both continue to partake in the things that you enjoy. It is really irritating that even women have this dreadful attitude.

Absolutely. You may choose to shelve it for a bit depending on how tiring you find early parenthood, but the idea that you’re about to turn into a domestic drudge up to your bra-straps in puke while your DH leads an unfettered social life is misogynistic old claptrap.

Tex81 · 27/03/2023 22:41

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3littlebeans · 27/03/2023 22:41

Depends on the baby too. I had non sleepers and was flat out exhausted at 6 months. No way was I going out anywhere of an evening!