Annoyed at assumption I'll be giving up hobbies as a new mum

[Modemaman]

Perhaps I'm being ridiculously naive and don't know what's about to hit me. I'm in late stages of pregnancy, due in April and first baby.

Me and DH attend a weekly night class together at local college (not sport related) and tonight they were trying to get numbers for who would be moving to next more advanced class in September.

Comment/ assumption from (female) teacher implied that I wouldn't be coming back but DH would. I explained we wanted to try and work around it somehow or attend classes on different nights/ alternate or maybe the online version of the class which is also an option. We're not sure yet tbh but the intention was always to continue as we both enjoy this class. We unfortunately don't have relatives nearby who could help with childcare.

Other older mothers with grown up kids in the class looked at me patronisingly as if I had no idea of the reality. Maybe I don't. But I feel annoyed that it's assumed as the woman I will give everything up while DH is free to continue as before with hobbies and interests. I imagine this will be the first of many such comments so I need to chill but I feel deflated and annoyed.

Yabu - you have no idea what's about to hit you

Yanbu - these assumptions are common and unfair, easy to feel annoyed

Wasn't that old fashioned for me! I was truly exhausted with a baby that didn't sleep and no family support. No money to throw at "help" either. Husband fantastic but thise first years were survival. Life is great now we're through it but ita not just a case of being old fashioned but reality for many.

I returned to my City & Guilds training course 2 weeks post c.section. DP was a home. Was it hard - yes. Did I manage it - hell yes. My class was 2 hrs so maybe out of the house max 3 hrs. DD was fine, DP was fine, I was fine,

Sign up I say!

No-one has mentioned that until the baby is here, you don't know if your DH will be a hands on dad. I've known men who've been great uncles and the baby has been after years of IVF, but couldn't hack it as a 24/7 dad. People are giving you their lived experience. Hopefully things will be different for you. Going to the class might be better for you so you get out and have a break from the baby. Most people find first babies a shock.

This.

You can't predict how you'll feel. When my second was six months I was just desperate for sleep and would not have had the energy for a hobby.

I also see you don't have any family support. Neither do I and just to warn you - it's tough. Really tough. If you and dh are both sick, for example, the show must go on. Sorry to be doom and gloom but I really didn't realise how much harder it would be without the help.

It is not that you 'can't' have hobbies/a social life/go on spontaneous weekends etc away with a baby. It's just that everything's generally a lot more hassle and you may be extremely sleep deprived, which means that priorities change.

If you have a few child-free hours, you might prefer to catch up with a friend that you haven't managed to see for ages, or just have a bath and go to bed early. However everyone is different, and you won't really know you feel until you actually have your baby.

It's a case of both. Its absolutely doable but it will take a fair bit of work on both sides. But they are absolutely being rude to assume.

Maybe you have a live in nanny, maybe you live in an extended household. It's great that you hope to carry on learning. People are wrong to assume that you won't carry on.

However you will likely be besotted and knackered in equal measure, and your priorities will definitely change. But usually in a nice way.

Ok so I agree a little with both sides. I think you can’t really book anything now as you don’t know how you will feel, how baby will be etc. if you’re breastfeeding it may be tricky and unfortunately does make it a bit harder to do regular activities than the dad for a good 6 months. BUT saying that I do hate the assumption! And of course you need to keep up hobbies. Just maybe don’t put pressure on it either way yet. I did a clay pottery class when ds was around that age, it was 2 hours and 2 mins from where I live so it worked! Still a bit stressful when I got home though sometimes and baby was crying.

I have a 3 month old. For me, the first month I could not have carried on a hobby as I was exhausted and had no idea what I was doing (I know many other women would have been able to though). Now I feel absolutely grand! I don't have a hobby but have met up with friends, without baby, and feel like a normal human being. I don't have loads of money for nannies or family watching the baby so I can sleep...just my husband who does his fair share of parenting like all dads should. So it is wrong of them to assume you won't be back.

Yanbu. I had twins, I attended NCT classes with DP. One evening someone was asking me about work after the babies were born. I said I was going back to work at 6 months, DP would be a SAHP and I'd finish my MBA whilst on maternity leave. I experienced the same patronising advise as you. But I did exactly that, it worked out well and I got a distinction in my MBA. Obviously be flexible but don't let them knock you back.

It's fair to assume you will probably be too exhausted for the first couple of months and also for the first couple of months when you return to work, especially if you return full time. The other thing you may need to consider is do you have enough time and energy to do any prep work for the hobby if there is any? But these should be considerations for you both

YABU/YANBU vote is 50:50 so far.

See how you go. Even though we had great sleepers, great eaters, and paid help it woudl have been very difficult for us to commit to a weekly evening class with babies and young children. Getting to the gym was hard too. It's just....challenging to fit stuff in. Especially regular evening commitments on top of work and a baby.

Quite honestly, my youngest is 7 and I'm only just getting the old 'me' back. It's a marathon. I don't think people without kids really understand it at all.

You'll never know until baby is here but there's no reason why DH can't stay home one night if you feel up to going. I was back playing sports 2 nights a week 3 weeks after having my first and 6 weeks after my second. I really needed that time out of the house.

Great if you can keep up your hobby and I really hope you do. I'd wait til you have the baby and see what happens before you get annoyed at the assumptions.

Big fat depends here. Many babies don't sleep well for years and you wouldn't want to be trying to learn the subjunctive. Others are fine from three months ish.

Loads of German series on Netflix and c4 btw. Try Die Kaiserin.

That really bugged me when I was pregnant with my son. Women relished I'm telling me what I won't be able to do once I have a baby, including getting my nails done wtf! Happy to say I still get my nails done and despite being a bit more tired I still feel like myself and enjoy the things I always have!

My twins were born in the Dec, I'd started a new OU biology in the module and I completed it (so til June). There's absolutely no reason OP and her DH couldn't do the online version, and if baby is bottle fed, there's no reason op can't leave her 4 month old baby with her father for a few hours.

I found with the first I needed 2 years out of my main hobby, but that was because he W's v v poorly for 18 months nad it involved weekends away. I started again when he was about 2. With my twins, I carried on studying with OU - born Dec so near the start of the year. Still going and they're 3!!
The hobby commitment changed but mainly cos it took up so much AL. I still get away 4 weekends away a year to do it, and DH has the kids, no support.

It's doable if you are happy to go without stuff like sleep 😂 (I'm having a 5 minute study break)

We either took our baby along or one of us stayed home and the other went out

We had a good night routine so rarely stayed our late but we did not feel the need to hibernate either

Our baby tagged along from when they were a new born, I was a member of some groups so those nights dh stayed home either our baby

We are not nor have ever been party animals (nothing wrong with it just not us!) But we still had normal lives with a baby