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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed at assumption I'll be giving up hobbies as a new mum

71 replies

Modemaman · 27/03/2023 22:21

Perhaps I'm being ridiculously naive and don't know what's about to hit me. I'm in late stages of pregnancy, due in April and first baby.

Me and DH attend a weekly night class together at local college (not sport related) and tonight they were trying to get numbers for who would be moving to next more advanced class in September.

Comment/ assumption from (female) teacher implied that I wouldn't be coming back but DH would. I explained we wanted to try and work around it somehow or attend classes on different nights/ alternate or maybe the online version of the class which is also an option. We're not sure yet tbh but the intention was always to continue as we both enjoy this class. We unfortunately don't have relatives nearby who could help with childcare.

Other older mothers with grown up kids in the class looked at me patronisingly as if I had no idea of the reality. Maybe I don't. But I feel annoyed that it's assumed as the woman I will give everything up while DH is free to continue as before with hobbies and interests. I imagine this will be the first of many such comments so I need to chill but I feel deflated and annoyed.

Yabu - you have no idea what's about to hit you

Yanbu - these assumptions are common and unfair, easy to feel annoyed

OP posts:
PollyPut · 27/03/2023 22:41

I would think that the teacher is hoping that at least one of you will come back (presumably fees are paid). She may know in her heart that both of you will struggle to get there but feel that by saying one of you will, she might get one income.

It can be a struggle for either of you to get out - especially if you, or DP, are up in the night then you might find the classes a challenge to get to.

Grumpybutfunny · 27/03/2023 22:42

I did a significant post graduate qualification whilst on maternity leave with a child who wouldn't sleep through the night. I gave up hobbies more when he was 5 or 6 as he had to be in bed by X for school so couldn't take him with me and we both worked shifts. He's now 9 and I feel like I'm getting my life back. I would say enjoy keeping your hobby during the baby years

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/03/2023 22:43

Echobelly · 27/03/2023 22:27

You're not being entirely unreasonable, but in all likelihood a new mum will have to give a miss to hobbies for first 3 months or so, as it's so tiring and a lot of adjustment so you're just not likely to fit it in and certainly in those first 12 weeks, even with an 'easy' baby it is hard to commit to anything and you end up cancelling a lot of stuff. After that, yes, should be possible to get back to hobbies if DP/other support people will help.

Given that there's 5 months between the birth and returning to class, I'd assume its more than doable.

Withnailandeye · 27/03/2023 22:43

OP I was back on my horses and teamchasing within four months of giving birth so you can bloody well be back in your German class. The world is full of morons.

Curseofthenation · 27/03/2023 22:46

You could definitely make an evening class work by the time baby is 6 months. It is unfair for people to have assumed your DH would continue!

3littlebeans · 27/03/2023 22:47

Wow great that so many people have energy and support and money etc.

But we really don't know OPs reality. If you can pay for nannies/have family to help and a sleeping baby then yes probably easy.

But if like many many families you find yourselves overwhelmed and exhausted that will be okay too- and don't beat yourself up about it. Take any time you need!

So often we see "why didn't people tell me?!?!?" And sometimes people are jusg being kind.

Can you see how you'll feel?

BogRollBOGOF · 27/03/2023 22:47

I had EBFed bottle refusers. At 4-5m I began to be able to manage an hour away from the babies (staying local) between feeds, but doing it reliably to a schedule in the evenings was tricky for the first year.

I adapted my hobbies and went to drop-in fitness classes and took up running rather than having solid commitments. I didn't completely sacrifice my sense of self but it did have to adapt.

IAmMeThisIsI · 27/03/2023 22:47

I'm sure you'd have a sitter for the time you're in class! You should have said "well, actually, we were planning on leaving the baby in the car while we went to class" lol. Did they think that you'd planned on giving birth and just leaving the baby home alone when you both went to class? Presumptuous of her to think that because she couldn't have done it, that means you can't. Sounds like projection to me OP.

EstherHazy · 27/03/2023 22:48

I expect (hope!!) the assumption is more experience than sexism. I hope you are able to return in Sept, but in reality your whole world of priorities will likely change in ways you just can't anticipate yet. I've had countless friends and work colleagues who when pregnant with first kids think they'll do this that and the other while on Mat leave, or they'll definitely come back full time, etc etc. If I count them all up, statistically they are much much more likely not to do what they say they want to / are going to in that first year than manage to do it. I wish them well and all that, but it's just experience tells me their expectations are pretty far off. That's not to say some don't achieve their stated goals - there are a couple I am thinking of particularly who did exactly as they planned - but the vast majority in my experience simply haven't. I try not to patronise people saying 'well that'll never happen!' even though I confess I'm thinking it.

Unless you're going for full shared parental leave, you may well find old fashioned gender divides in roles rear up more than you expect as you will be the primary care giver, still possibly breast feeding, the one who can get the kid to sleep, the one totally exhausted at the end of the day with no energy to go out - because care of a little one is much more tiring than work often!

So - very best of luck - it's genuinely great to have these goals and I hope you can achieve them - but do be kind on yourself if life just takes a different turn.

Gremlins101 · 27/03/2023 22:48

Both!

I have a very all consuming hobby which I have obviously, and willingly, put entirely on the back burner while my 2 kids are small. I do the bare minimum to keep my toe in but I'm a shadow of the former athlete I was (joking, but I was half decent).

One night a week doesn't seem a lot, but it will be hard for first 6 months for you.

But I find, and I'm sure others do too, that my partner defaults to leisure time much more easily. My partner will do bedtime, so I can go do my hobby... if I've first asked nicely, made bottles, dinner, done early bath, etc. Not that he's unwilling, just disorganised. If he wants to do his hobby, he just goes! 💁‍♀️

It doesn't help that my family are super supportive but live far away, and his mother lives nearby but does a lot of "back in my day I minded my own children". She has said it to my partner when I'm working or doing my hobby. So I refuse to ever ask her to mind my kids anymore.

PuttingDownRoots · 27/03/2023 22:48

A father should be more than capable of looking after their own 6mo baby for a couple of hours one evening a week.

Even with breastfeeding... and I say that as someone who had two bottle refuses. My "hobby" was actually essential driving lessons. She wouldn't take a bottle but would happily take porridge. Then fed extra when I got home

Lcb123 · 27/03/2023 22:49

I’d be openly angry if I was in your shoes. Fair enough if assumed neither of you would go. You’re equally going to be parents. You should work together to enable both of you to continue hobbies and social life, to the Same extent

Partyandbullshit · 27/03/2023 22:49

Modemaman · 27/03/2023 22:37

DH has offered to facilitate me still going and he can look into other options. He has been clear that after first few months he'll try and help me have moments during the week to do these kind of things and give me a break so can't really fault him on that. But it seems the rest of the world expects different

Show quote history

I don’t think your German teacher = the “rest of the world” 🙄

Just see how it goes. You’ve got the rest of your life to worry about sexism as a mother. Don’t waste any pre-motherhood life getting all het up about it. Your baby could be delightful. It might all be moot.

Original poster
Modemaman · 27/03/2023 22:50

3littlebeans · 27/03/2023 22:47

Wow great that so many people have energy and support and money etc.

But we really don't know OPs reality. If you can pay for nannies/have family to help and a sleeping baby then yes probably easy.

But if like many many families you find yourselves overwhelmed and exhausted that will be okay too- and don't beat yourself up about it. Take any time you need!

So often we see "why didn't people tell me?!?!?" And sometimes people are jusg being kind.

Can you see how you'll feel?

Yes will have to see how it goes before we decide.

I feel a bit deflated at the idea that I'll have to give up interests even when baby is a bit older. I really hoped we could work around things but I probably need to experience mum life first to understand the reality and we have no real support network nearby so just us.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 27/03/2023 22:52

Baby will be 6mths in sept

Many mums are back to work full time then

Absolutely no reason why you both can't go and carry on enjoying your hobby

Just book a regular babysitter for that evening

Or meet 2/3 so have a back up or rotate every other week

GraysPapaya · 27/03/2023 22:52

I was back at netball within 9 weeks, I was a bit rubbish! But it was so important to me, with a supportive partner you can do things you did before, for sure!
Breast feeding can make it complicated but I pumped and both babies took bottles.

SparkyBlue · 27/03/2023 22:55

Absolutely you can still continue. Whether you will find that you want to is another matter. I'd often do a weekly yoga or Zumba class or whatever when my babies were that age. I find it's more when they are older when you get to bedtime routines and story times and that's leaving aside homework that leaving the house becomes more difficult as between having dinner and cleaning up and depending on your jobs one of you might have a bit of work to catch up on or whatever it becomes harder to get out the door at a certain time.

Ragwort · 27/03/2023 22:55

I would go with the assumption that you can carry on with your hobbies, I certainly did when I had my DS; DH & I had separate interests so we had different evenings out ... our DS was very chilled and a great sleeper and time out to follow my own interests was very important to me. I mix fed which made it easier to get out as I wasn't tied to breastfeeding... although I followed GF hated on here so we had a great routine and DS never 'cluster fed'.

KittyAlfred · 27/03/2023 22:56

It’ll certainly be possible if you and your husband share the load, but don’t be surprised if you can’t be bothered any more. When mine were that age it was full on all day, and the last thing I felt like doing after a day of baby care was to put proper clothes on and go out and use my brain! I used to watch Big Brother and that was all I could manage!

Mischance · 27/03/2023 22:56

I sing in choirs and always have done. After the 3 births of my children I did take a term out each time, but after that choir nights were sacrosanct and I was lucky that my OH was behind me in this and made sure he was with the children so that I could both rehearse and perform. I looked after them when he went to orchestra.

Poppins2016 · 27/03/2023 22:57

I've had two babies and with both of them I was willing and able to go out for a couple of hours in the evening (or any time) at that age. I'd leave baby with DH and a bottle of my finest expressed milk! I don't think it's unrealistic. I think it's wonderful that you and your DH are approaching parenthood with this attitude.

On the other hand, some mothers are too tired/find it too much of an emotional or physical wrench being separated from their baby at 6 months (sometimes those that least expect to feel that way - I have a friend who shocked herself)!

Keep an open mind and go with the flow. Importantly, however, don't let other people put you off. It's your life, your baby, your joint parenting, your joint decisions.

Pipsquiggle · 27/03/2023 22:58

TBH it will depend if you breastfeed and whether you can express mik. I BF both of my DC - could express for my first dc but not for my 2nd.

Because of this, I was free to do more stuff earlier on with DC1 than DC2.

Getting into a good routine also massively helps. You & DH will need to acclimatise to parenthood before taking advanced German

Oopswediditagain2023 · 27/03/2023 22:58

I think it's a very old fashioned idea that you won't be able to do anything once you have a baby. I was back doing my "sports related" hobby two weeks after giving birth and I EBF too. It just took a bit more planning - I'd feed DD1 immediately before I left (she was a more unpredictable feeder!) whereas DD2 had a more regular schedule so could work around it and adapt routines etc. If you want to do something you'll find a way to do it! It's a very sexist comment

Floralnomad · 27/03/2023 23:01

When I had our first ( and second) we had horses and there wasn’t an option to not carry on with the ‘hobby’ .

Livelovebehappy · 27/03/2023 23:01

Of course you should be able to pick up the classes again. But….the reality is that you have no idea at this point whether it’s doable. Baby might be in a routine, you might be fine with enough energy mentally and physically to do classes. Alternatively you may be blessed with a baby who hasn’t yet settled into a routine at six months, who may not sleep, who drains your energy, you may feel differently about leaving your baby (this happens to lots of new first time mums, who initially pre birth are adamant they will continue with hobbies, but once the baby arrives, they totally change their minds). Guess it’s just a ‘wait and see’ situation.