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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a 30/70 bills split

55 replies

MommasTired · 27/03/2023 20:18

i am currently on mat leave, last 6 weeks of it which are unpaid. First child.

prior to mat leave DH and I earned relatively similar and we contributed 50/50 to the house. When I go back to work I will be earning only 30% of our total household income so have said I think a 30/70 bill split would be reasonable once we’ve cleared our debts, up until this point we will split everything and we will both pay in as much we can to our household.

DH seems really pissed off about this, and said he sees everything we earn as joint. I don’t think this is the case as he’s just bought himself a posh new car while I’m cutting and dying my own hair at home.

i said to him it’s not going to give us equal chances to rebuild our personal savings if I have to put so much of my salary in. By the by we have a joint savings and one for our son which we both count as part of our bills.

interested and open to hear your thoughts MNers!

OP posts:
Marchforward · 27/03/2023 20:21

You need to have the same amount of money left over. You could always bill him for the childcare you have been providing.

Patchworksack · 27/03/2023 20:21

I’d see everything you earn as joint - that means both salaries go into one account which covers all household and childcare expenses, and if there is enough money after bills paid you get equal ‘spending money’. Your earning potential will likely take a huge hit after having a child and he will continue on his merry way untethered. I suspect that wasn’t quite what he meant though…..

NEmama · 27/03/2023 20:23

I agree with @Marchforward . You should have the same spends left

purpledalmation · 27/03/2023 20:24

Marchforward · 27/03/2023 20:21

You need to have the same amount of money left over. You could always bill him for the childcare you have been providing.

seems the fairest way

ArcticSkewer · 27/03/2023 20:25

Why has your income dropped so much? If it's related to maternity leave or missed promotion opportunities then that's very sad to hear.

Shamoo · 27/03/2023 20:26

What does he mean when he says he sees all earnings as joint? Because the only think I think this can mean is that all money is pooled, all bills etc paid, and then the left overs are equally shared between you. Nothing else would make sense if earnings are shared!

FurAndFeathers · 27/03/2023 20:26

Why are you earning only 30%? Have you missed progression opportunities or are your hours curtailed due to childcare?

if so the ask your DH why he thinks you should be financially penalised for rearing your child but he shouldn’t?

if he wants equality of contribution he needs to facilitate equality of earning and pension potential by contributing more to raising his child

Original poster
MommasTired · 27/03/2023 20:26

@Patchworksack I’m going to suggest this actually. Makes much more sense now we have a child.

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 27/03/2023 20:27

Patchworksack · 27/03/2023 20:21

I’d see everything you earn as joint - that means both salaries go into one account which covers all household and childcare expenses, and if there is enough money after bills paid you get equal ‘spending money’. Your earning potential will likely take a huge hit after having a child and he will continue on his merry way untethered. I suspect that wasn’t quite what he meant though…..

Exactly

aloris · 27/03/2023 20:28

Bill him for childcare. Also bill him for the opportunity cost to you of gestating and birthing a baby and taking maternity leave and then going to a lower paid (presumably more family friendly) job instead of continuing to work your previous, higher paid job.

Original poster
MommasTired · 27/03/2023 20:29

@ArcticSkewer @FurAndFeathers a combination, I’ve had to drastically reduce my hours due to childcare and DH has had a promotion so the gap between our earnings is quite large now.

sorry if that is a bit of a drip feed should’ve included in the OP

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 27/03/2023 20:31

All family money goes in the pot. Split 50/50 after bills and living expenses. See also equal free time.
(I am a lone parent because I didn't sort this stuff out in advance and didn't tolerate crap 🤷‍♀️.)

JudgeRudy · 27/03/2023 20:32

I think it depends how tight your expenses are. If you both earn similar you put in 50/50, and have some over each. If one of you earnt more I wouldn't expect a 40/60 (or whatever) split if you both had 'enough' spending money, I would though expect the richer person to be generous with their money.
If you're earning less because your doing childcare and do.estic stuff then yes, off course he pays more but if he didn't expect you to stay at home, that's a tricky one (and something I'd have discussed before hand). I have no idea what your debts are but if you've run them up on 2 incomes and now you have less income and more outgoings, ld say someone's in for a rude awakening.

Iloveacurry · 27/03/2023 20:33

Suggest to him that you go back to work full time, put baby in nursery 5 days a week and split the cost equally. See what he says.

Cosyblankets · 27/03/2023 20:33

You didn't have to reduce your hours. One of you had to. It didn't have to be you. You reducing your hours to care for your joint child has enabled him to gain the promotion etc. You should not be worse off because you're looking after his child

Albiboba · 27/03/2023 20:35

Did you not have a discussion about “drastically” reducing your hours? It’s coming across like this was a decision you made rather than you both agreeing to the decision.
I feel like money should be joint in a relationship with children, but that includes earning it and imo one person doesn’t get to just unilaterally get to make the decision to drop income.

ArcticSkewer · 27/03/2023 20:37

Ok so you need to go back to work full time and prioritise your career. I know you have baby hormones but he isn't on Team Family, he is on Team Him. So you need to look out for yourself.

So you can go for those promotions he may well need to step back a bit in his career for the next year or so to cover baby duty.

Make sure you let him know asap

ArcticSkewer · 27/03/2023 20:38

Btw are you actually married? I know you say dh but sometimes posters just use that convention

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 20:41

All monies in the pot, all spends out the pot. I dont understand this separate monies and % splits. Bill him for childcare and cleaning if he's being a cock head.

CheersForThatEh · 27/03/2023 20:43

Ask him what he thought was going to happen. I'd be interested to know the answer.

Team OP.

Viviennemary · 27/03/2023 20:46

No how can you pay half the bills when you earn a lot less. Did you both agree you could go part-time.

AllosaurusMum · 27/03/2023 20:49

Does he agree with you dropping your hours or did you just decide that on your own?

pippabg · 27/03/2023 20:49

Husband and I have salary paid into one account. Everything comes from this account: rent, bills, travel, food, savings, socialising, holidays, things for the house - everything! When moneys good, we give ourselves £100 each for 'treat money' each month - clothes, fancy make up for me or games for him. Works perfectly, truly joint and equitable. He earns more than me, though he doesn't work longer or harder, and even if he did he'd want us to have the same quality of life and vice versa. Think your husband needs to reevaluate things!

JimnJoyce · 27/03/2023 21:10

did he talk to you first before he bought the new car ?
And if his new job role has a much higher salary can you go back to work ft and pay for childcare between you?

Rainbowqueeen · 27/03/2023 21:13

How have finances been shared while you have been on mat leave?? I would have assumed that your massive contribution towards childcare has been recognised and he has been responsible for close to 100 percent of bills. If not, why not.

All money into joint account and equal spends is definitely the way to go. With him picking up bigger share of additional childcare do you can work on your career eg go to networking and training events outside your work hours if that will help you.

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