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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for a 30/70 bills split

55 replies

MommasTired · 27/03/2023 20:18

i am currently on mat leave, last 6 weeks of it which are unpaid. First child.

prior to mat leave DH and I earned relatively similar and we contributed 50/50 to the house. When I go back to work I will be earning only 30% of our total household income so have said I think a 30/70 bill split would be reasonable once we’ve cleared our debts, up until this point we will split everything and we will both pay in as much we can to our household.

DH seems really pissed off about this, and said he sees everything we earn as joint. I don’t think this is the case as he’s just bought himself a posh new car while I’m cutting and dying my own hair at home.

i said to him it’s not going to give us equal chances to rebuild our personal savings if I have to put so much of my salary in. By the by we have a joint savings and one for our son which we both count as part of our bills.

interested and open to hear your thoughts MNers!

OP posts:
Comii9 · 27/03/2023 21:20

Your post is unclear. How many hours/days are you going back to work?

Are you going to be needing paid childcare?

OhcantthInkofaname · 27/03/2023 21:24

So this posh new car is a household car?

Maedan · 27/03/2023 21:25

Don't reduce your hours, go back to work full time and split cost of childcare, or you bill him for half of the hours you lose by reducing your hours 🤷

BCfan · 27/03/2023 21:32

So your DH expected you to have a child on maternity leave, reduce hours and be the main carer for the child and effectively pay him for the privilege?

What a catch!

Totally fair to spend bills from the pot then share the leftovers.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/03/2023 21:32

What adjustments has he made to his life and work on becoming a parent?

Has he reduced his hours so he can care for his child?

He can't have it both ways. Either one of you takes a step back career wise to do most of the childcare, to reduce the amount of paid childcare you need, or you both carry on working as you did previously and split the cost of childcare 50/50.

UnaVaca · 27/03/2023 21:44

These threads are so depressing. This is unreal.

XanaduKira · 27/03/2023 21:48

I thought the same @UnaVaca

Op, either 30/70 as you suggest or all in 1 pot and ensure you have equal spending / personal savings left at the end of the month as your DH. Anything else is completely unfair. (Unless you do bill him the appropriate amount for childcare!)

MajorCarolDanvers · 27/03/2023 21:50

You are a family. Why are you having his and her money. It should be pooled for your family.

Truestorypeeps · 27/03/2023 21:51

My wife is a SAHM. Just wondering based on your husband's logic, what proportion split should I be charging her for the bills and mortgage? I feel like I was a bit of a mug with 0/100! :-D

Back to the thread, surely he should WANT to contribute more if he earns more? Does he expect you to scrimp and struggle while he lord's it up? Jesus wept.

FinallyHere · 27/03/2023 21:52

Patchworksack · 27/03/2023 20:21

I’d see everything you earn as joint - that means both salaries go into one account which covers all household and childcare expenses, and if there is enough money after bills paid you get equal ‘spending money’. Your earning potential will likely take a huge hit after having a child and he will continue on his merry way untethered. I suspect that wasn’t quite what he meant though…..

This

Ideally agreed upfront, before any irrevocable decisions taken.

PaigeMatthews · 27/03/2023 21:55

UnaVaca · 27/03/2023 21:44

These threads are so depressing. This is unreal.

Yeo. Every time.

op, you need to talk to your husband. Since he expects equal money in the pot, you need to be able to earn equal money in your career. So you need to do equal childcare and equal work in the home and equal mental load. He needs to be an equal parent.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/03/2023 21:57

'Joint' to him means... he gets a fancy car and all your money?

speedygreedy · 27/03/2023 22:01

I agree with the previous posters who said to go back to work full time. Please don’t put yourself in the position of being financially dependent on a man with this attitude.

ArcticSkewer · 27/03/2023 22:09

PaigeMatthews · 27/03/2023 21:55

Yeo. Every time.

op, you need to talk to your husband. Since he expects equal money in the pot, you need to be able to earn equal money in your career. So you need to do equal childcare and equal work in the home and equal mental load. He needs to be an equal parent.

Show quote history

And one day you will be glad you did this!

Yes, it's hard at first, but you have no idea how rubbish the next 10-20 years could be - the mental load is the worst part! 50:50 is so worth doing.

Livinghappy · 27/03/2023 22:14

Make sure you are paying into a pension.

greenthumb13 · 27/03/2023 22:16

Marchforward · 27/03/2023 20:21

You need to have the same amount of money left over. You could always bill him for the childcare you have been providing.

😂 absolutely!!! Put an hourly rate on your time and if he wants to save money he can contribute more!

ImAGoodPerson · 27/03/2023 22:23

Patchworksack · 27/03/2023 20:21

I’d see everything you earn as joint - that means both salaries go into one account which covers all household and childcare expenses, and if there is enough money after bills paid you get equal ‘spending money’. Your earning potential will likely take a huge hit after having a child and he will continue on his merry way untethered. I suspect that wasn’t quite what he meant though…..

To me this is a fair arrangement, I personally wouldn't be in a marriage with children if this wasn't the case. All money pooled and leftover money is shared.

TheMatriarchy · 27/03/2023 22:33

So you are funding caring for your joint child entirely yourself (6 weeks unpaid) and he is buying himself an expensive new car. And when you raised the issue of what you are sacrificing in the future and how it should be fair, he has become angry about it. He is financially abusive and you should be looking to protect yourself.

WitheredandOld · 27/03/2023 22:46

I simply can’t comprehend one half of the couple buying themselves a luxury car while the other is struggling. That’s not a partnership.

Go back full time because he’s shown you who he really is. You need to get your earning power back so you have options.

howmanybicycles · 27/03/2023 22:59

Yes, share money. Which means he should not be making big purchases like cars without discussing the spend with you

maddening · 27/03/2023 23:06

Either both have equal spends or you need to go back to work, but the childcare is paid 50/50

Original poster
MommasTired · 28/03/2023 08:31

morning all thank you all for your advice, it’s honestly been such an eye opener.

We had the chat last night, I actually showed him the responses on this thread and has agreed to a communal pot we both stick our salaries in and equal post bills spend.

I think the comment that really got him was why would he want his wife to have such a different quality of life compared to him as the comment by @Truestorypeeps @pippabg suggested.

i can’t read back while I reply but just to answer - no I didn’t make the decision to reduce my hours, it was a joint decision before baby arrived. And i have a pension, thank you for reminding me of this though as I’ve forgotten my bloody password for the login and need to sort! 😂

OP posts:
ImAGoodPerson · 28/03/2023 11:19

Great update OP!

Liorae · 28/03/2023 11:22

aloris · 27/03/2023 20:28

Bill him for childcare. Also bill him for the opportunity cost to you of gestating and birthing a baby and taking maternity leave and then going to a lower paid (presumably more family friendly) job instead of continuing to work your previous, higher paid job.

And how will she make him pay that bill?

Quitelikeit · 28/03/2023 11:27

Who are these so called men who expect their child’s mother to reduce her hours at work but expect her to live like a pauper, ruin her career whilst their life doesn’t change at all!!

I mean surely he realises you’d be much worse off