Tell me if I am unreasonable or if the Coach was out of line

[Namechangedforasec]

I am completely prepared to be told I'm overreacting and that I am the problem but I need to ask for some unbiased perspective.
My son has played on the same team for a few years now and the head coach is amazing - fantastic, cannot say enough good things about him. My problem is with the new assistant coache.
Every year the head coach hosts a spring and summer training exercise to help condition the team, and so my son goes to as many of the practices as he can, though none are compulsory. It's a very easy-going atmosphere and siblings and parents are welcome to join in.
This past weekend we attended the first spring session and it was pretty standard, the same as the other ones. We got to meet some new players and their families. We also got to meet a new assistant coach.
I've never seen this coach before and this was my first time having any contact with him, which isn't too uncommon, however, I do coach spring soccer and cheer through the county and so know most of the repeat coaches.
Anyway, during the training session the assistant coach spent a great deal of his time on the sideline talking to parents and entertaining them with anecdotes of how he was attacked by a shark (showed us the scars - completely unsolicited). I didn't think too much of it, I kinda thought that if I'd survived a shark attack I'd probably tell people about it too... I digress.

So, the assistant coach was having a good time, overall, and seemed likeable, however, the only time he DID leave the sideline was to approach my son and pull him to the side and have private chats with him. I didn't say anything because I have been known to be THAT parent who hovers, and I thought it was maybe just some chitchat about performance and technique, Initially.

This happened at LEAST 6 times over the two hour period. The coach didn't speak to any other player the entire time and never once touched base with the head coach.
Weird, thinking back on it now, considering he spent little time actually watching defense, and had delegated his task management to one of the older players on the team. The only time he had his back turned to the parents was when my son was up for a maneuver, he watched then.

I will add that the head coach has two other assistants who were actively engaging with the coach and players/families. This particular coach just seemed to he hanging around and having a good time. I know he is allowed to coach through the parks and rec division because the head coach told us all at the beginning of practice that he'd managed to acquire a third assistant coach, which was sorely needed this year because most years at least one coach drops out midway though the season.

Anyway, after every session, the team (and anyone else who wants to volunteer) helps pack up all of the exercise and training equipment the head coach brings for the team to use. On this particular afternoon my son ran up to me after practice and was smiling ear to ear saying he was gona go with the new assistant coach to get some frozen yogurt...
I was sitting with my husband and my best friend (her son is also on the team) and I was kind of shocked for a second. I asked if he meant head coach, because that would have been fine, our families know each other well and we socialize and our kids have sleep overs. I initially thought coach had told my son to run and ask me if he could go with them.
He said no, the new coach...
I asked when this all was decided and he said that the assistant coach told him a few times when he had talked to him during practice that if he did really well at practice he'd take him for frozen yogurt after practice. Told him it'd be a lot of fun and that they could get some pizza too, because the pizza place is next door to the yogurt place.
I was fucking speechless. So were my husband and my best friend.
A few minutes after I told my son no, he could not go, the assistant coach made his way over and asked my son if he'd let me know, and my son told him 'they said I can't go', and he stalked off to help load up the head coach's truck.
The assistant coach asked me if it was okay if my son went, they wouldn't be gone long. And he would even bring him back home. Please keep in mind these practices are at public places, the coach could only get my address by asking me or my son, or looking through my file in the parks and rec office...
I told him no, my son would not be going and he would do better in the future to not approach children with whom he has absolutely no rapport, and privately invite them for yogurt and pizza.
Who does that?
He got defensive and said it was a nice gesture is all, that he appreciated my son's hard work.
I was shocked he was defending himself, to be honest.
I want to add a few things.
My son is not a stellar athlete. Not on this planet or any other. He always gives it his best and we always support him because he wants to do well, but it isn't like he's the teams star linebacker. Not saying that the idea that he should be given special incentive is far fetched, but there are just as many other players deserving of special treats on the team, besides my son.
The assistant coach didn't even know my name or my husband's, he never bothered to ask... He spent the time joking and laughing but didn't make any effort to make introductions with the parents...
Another thing, the overwhelming majority of volunteer coaches have children on the team or in the league, that's why they do it. Or they are still coaching after their children have aged out of the league.
This coach, according to himself, doesn't have children. It isn't like he was gona take my son and his OWN child for yogurt and pizza, even that would have made me less wary, to be honest. but no, he was solo. And told my son he would take him to have pizza and yogurt without ever having introduced himself to me or my husband, we don't even know this man... I got the impression he told my son BEFORE asking my permission, or my husband's, hoping that we would feel compelled to let our son go... Does that make sense?
I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. I've given as much pertinent info as i can...
So you tell me, am I unreasonable for feeling like something was off?
I am thinking I'll give the head coach a call this afternoon but I'm not sure. I do not want to start an issue where there is not one, and to even be accused of something inappropriate, for an innocent person, must be devastating, but I can't shake the feeling something was off about the situation.
Is it me? Am I the problem? Am I unreasonable?

Really odd, definitely did the right thing! There are some weirdo people everywhere, safe ones know not to do that kind of caper!

so tl:dr a new coach wanted to take your son for ice cream by himself after training?

In the UK coach training makes it very clear this is a safeguarding breach. No adult should be on their own with a child.

we’re not even allowed to give kids lifts to training.

don’t know how it works in the US but here that would be reportable to the safeguarding lead for the club.

Hi all. I have a small update.
First I want to say thanks to everyone who took the time to give advice. I am really glad to know that I wasn't overreacting.
I texted the head coach to ask when was the best time to call him, and he called me within a few minutes. He was a bit worried my son had overdone it at practice and that there had been an issue - my son has not long had surgery for a ruptured appendix, and has been cleared to return to play, but coach has been taking it easy on him.
Anyway I told him that it was nothing to do with my son's health, that he enjoyed practice and had a good time.
Then I just told him. Exactly as I explained here for all of you.
Coach was mortified. You could hear it in his breathing and he couldn't apologize enough. I told him I don't blame him, that the first training practice is usually very hectic and he should be able to trust the other adults assigned to him by the park office.
He asked me to give him an hour and he would get back to me.
Within thirty minutes he was calling me and asked me to run up to the park office, if it wasn't too much trouble.
Twenty minutes later I was sitting down with the director and the head coach.
The head coach couldn't apologize enough, and the director was flabbergasted that something like this had even happened.
I wrote everything down for the parks director, and then was assured that the issue would be addressed. Then I left.
Coach called me not long ago to tell me that the assistant coach was being dismissed. He didn't say much more than that but he said he'd be in touch and so would the director because, apparently, the assistant coach has had other, less serious, complaints made during the fall season last year. Nothing substantial, things bordering on favoritism and unnecessary involvement, with another player on another team he coached - he apparently got the cell phone number of a kid on the team, and the child's parent didn't find out about it til after the season was over...
Singularly, these incidents don't mean much, but overall, they create a really alarming pattern of behavior.
I don't have many details but I'm sure coach will tell me this weekend whenever we all get together.
I'm just glad to know the coach in question won't be coaching.
Coach feels terrible that this happened on his watch but I've told him that he cannot blame himself, I don't.
We're having (another) age appropriate talk with our son about boundaries and making good decisions tonight.
I'm just glad this is all over.
Thanks again, ladies!

It makes you wonder why they employed him
with those prior issues. Are you sure he doesn’t have your child’s number? I think I’d want to ensure your child doesn’t have further unplanned contact with him.

How old is your child? I know that here, when practices are in our local park, kids as young as 8/9 might walk home by themselves, it’s lucky it was a situation where you were able to see / know what was going on. If he’s this brazen I doubt the known incidents from the past are the only ones.

Really pleased at your update

Even the most basic volunteer training for the Football Association has this as a huge NO. Safeguarding alert! Red flags!
Abusers test for victims. I'm glad you failed his test.

I’m a coach. The safeguarding training is VERY clear - you do not single a child out for individual praise and attention like that, you are never to be alone with a child or take them off anywhere on their own, or out of sight of either adults, or children.
It’s a massive red flag.
I wouldn’t do it, and I’m parent of a kid in the team, I know many of the girls and families outside of the team -some since they were toddlers - and as a woman I am/perceived as less of a threat to kids. And I still wouldn’t do it.
That was so weird.

And as for taking the personal number of a child - that’s a huge NO NO. All
communication is to go via parents, we do not message ANY child directly for ANY reason. We do not have their numbers, email them, we don’t friend or follow them in any social media if they use that, we don’t accept follows from them either.
Thank goodness you managed to deal with this so quickly.

Hi again, thanks for the support. Haven't heard anything back from the director, and it's past the close of business so hopefully I'll hear something tomorrow. But as long as that coach isn't coaching then I guess that's all that can be asked.
To answer a few questions, my son is 13, only just, and a very immature 13. He does have a phone but it is strictly monitored, and he is positive the man in question hasn't got his number.
As for why the man was allowed to coach, it's a county volunteer position, and not a lot of people are lining up to participate, so the center gets references and criminal background checks in compliance with regulations, but if the applicant hasn't been convicted of a crime, there isn't much that'll show up.
The man in question was coaching for the next county over before he came to this one, and the incident with the teenager with the cellphone was when he coached at for that county, this is his first season with this county.
This was told to me in confidence because the head coach thought my husband and I deserved an explanation.
The director apparently did the proper reference checks and was told by the other county director that the man was a great coach and everyone loved him. No idea why the other family's complaint was not mentioned when my county director contacted the other county's director to verify the man's coaching history.
I was told by the head coach that the director was eventually made aware of the complaint, so no clue why he didn't immediately dismiss the coach then, but I've always kind of butted heads with the director and there isn't a lot he and I agree on - I'm not sure if he's broken any law or violated any regulation by assigning the man to coach when he'd had a complaint such as that one made against him.
If I get any more updates I'll pass them along, but for now, the man isn't coaching my child, and I hope no others.

Oh god that’s such a vulnerable age. Old
enough to be autonomous enough to go out alone, not old enough to see the full danger. It’s so creepy and just so brazen. I’d worry that because he apparently keeps doing things that will bypass background checks that he’ll join other teams pretty easily.

Hi all,
Just wanted to drop an update for those who were concerned and gave such great advice and support.
The assistant coach in question was interviewed this past Monday and last night, and has been arrested for taking indecent liberties with a minor, but there are likely more charges to follow.
My child is not named in the affidavit, but he was interviewed yesterday afternoon by investigators.
There is no evidence my child has been victimized by the person in question, the charges are stemming from the involvement the assistant coach had with an athlete last year on a different team, and yet another player on the same team, around the same time.
I only know that photos were passed between the third (and previously unknown) child and the coach in question.
The athlete was under the age of 15 last year, the same age my son is now.
This has devastated everyone involved, and I have no idea how this will play out or what it'll mean for all of the kids.
I'm furious.
I know this isn't about me but I can't really express my discontent in real life without my son picking up on it and blaming himself for my anger, so I'm keeping it inside.
I don't know how this is allowed to happen.
Why were the other victims' families' concerns not reported and why the fuck was he allowed to continue/attempt to victimize children.
My husband and I have been up all night and I'm so stressed and sad I can't even begin to articulate.
I'm having a csection in two days and I just feel like I shouldn't, because I don't know which way is up or if I can even trust my children with people anymore.
I know that's unreasonable but I'm just angry and sad.
Thanks for letting me vent.

That's horrible news, OP, but it does show your instincts in the situation were 100% correct.

Agree with pp- you followed safeguarding and prevented harm to your child

maybe Channel your anger into setting up safeguarding sessions for parents and coaches? We are all required to attend one to certify every two years to continue any involvement with clubs. It sets out clearly the rules around contact - no lifts, alone time, no WhatsApp or text conversations without a parent cc’d, no adding to social media etc. also how to escalate concerns.

we are also required to have a club safeguarding officer (often a parent) who concerns can be taken to.

have a look at some UK sport safeguarding.

Wow, it certainly shows your instincts were right. He was obviously grooming the kids.

What a turn of events OP, wel done for following up your instincts and speaking out. You have probably saved a number of children and their families from future heartbreak.

Have a lovely Easter, enjoy the new baby and recover well.

I work with law enforcement, and my husband works for the Department of Defense, I thought I was doing a decent job of protecting my kids and keeping these people away - and folks used to call me paranoid...
Overly cautious about everything and most people.
People always thought I was no 'fun' with respect to my children and what my husband and I allowed and didn't allow - our kids aren't even allowed to go on school field trips unless my husband and I are chaperoning, that was how intense my distrust of people was, and still is.
My girlfriend, the one who was at that practice, is a child psychologist, her area of expertise is child/adolescent trauma.
When my son first ran up and was telling us how he was going to go with this man and get some yogurt, and once I clarified the situation, I had a strange and visceral reaction inside.
It was the first reflex reaction I had to the news, and I didn't understand why, but I knew it wasn't just me because I glanced at my friend and she was wearing the same expression on her face that I was feeling inside.
I don't know.
I'm so tired.
There's a meeting with the parents tomorrow night, I think I'll go, but I'm going to take a nap right now, my head hurts so badly from crying.
Thanks again for letting me vent.

Wow. What an update. Always trust your gut.

there was a teenage boy helping out at my dc primary after school sports
he was eventually, some years later, arrested.

Op, your instincts are incredible and you acted straight away and not only protected your child, but coming forward when you did likely protected several other children from this man. If you hadn't gone to the director and head coach, he could have gotten away with this. It must be a horrible shock, an awful feeling that you were all in the presence of this man and that he attempted to groom your son in plain sight, and I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are an amazing mother.

Good god, no, no, no. Report to HC immediately.

Hi ladies, and, again, thank you for your kind words of support.
I'm actually feeling a lot better today.
I had a very good talk with my kids last night, and spent some time with my eldest one, answering his questions.
He understands a lot better what happened wasn't okay and that we all just want him to be safe.
Head Coach and a few other parents met up last night, he insisted the team be disbanded, he blames himself. After giving it alot of thought, those of us who attended decided we didn't want the season taken away from the kids when they'd done nothing wrong and he hadn't either.
There's a meeting for all the parents this evening and I'm going to propose to the director that everyone update their current training, even those who've just certified, myself included.
My friend's husband is retired and has offered to assistant coach this season with the team, and that makes me, personally, feel a whole lot better. So the office won't be assigning another random coach this season while everything calms down.
Tomorrow is the day, by tomorrow evening I'll be holding my brand new baby, wish us all luck!

This. Terrifying.

I am sorry that this has happened, but so glad that you managed to step in and that there is a resolution. It is a good reminder that we shouldn't become complaicent.

I hope everything goes well with your new arrival and that you are enjoying lots and lots of cuddles.

Remember these perpetrators are extremely good at getting people to trust them. They will push boundaries and be utterly blatant with the I'm a great friendly person routine.
Look at Jimmy Saville a trusted confident to the now King and Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.

I cant help think brilliant he did pick your child as you seem rightly like the sort of parent who can see right through that inappropriate bullshit

Be proud of yourself. Congratulations you're a fabulous mum.

I'm so glad you trusted your instincts and furthermore told the Head Coach AND that he is a good coach that knew what to do and followed through.

The team where the perpetrator was previously can't have followed through on procedures.

That man ticked every bloody "tricky people" red flag going.