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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A large age gap, me being the oldest- is it wrong it can it work?

73 replies

Kittykat9070 · 27/03/2023 15:01

Ok I’m prepared to get flamed.

Ive met a guy, I’m 37 he’s 26 - I like him, I really do. We get on so well and I really enjoy spending time with him.

Im gutted I didn’t meet him when we would both be 25 to be honest. The only thing that will ruin this at the moment is how my head works.. Im just worried about years down the line and I know I shouldn’t do that..

So, do you or anyone you know have a large age gap and it’s worked out? Or am I kidding myself?

Looks wise, we don’t look like there’s a massive age gap - I’m not saying I look 25! More that he looks older. I do look a bit younger than I am but that won’t last forever!!

Any positive stories or am I being totally unreasonable to carry this relationship on?

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 27/03/2023 15:05

I don't think that's too bad as far as age gaps go. It can work if your life plans align.

momtoboys · 27/03/2023 15:06

Don't fret, just enjoy your time together. No reason to obsess over what may happen down the road.

Naunet · 27/03/2023 15:07

No one would blink if the sexes were reversed, it’s not that big. Just be aware that you may be at different stages in life.

KrisAkabusi · 27/03/2023 15:07

That's not a large age gap.

Verv · 27/03/2023 15:07

I was with an ex for nearly 8 years. We also had an 11 year age gap, although she was the older one.
It was a really good relationship.

beastlyslumber · 27/03/2023 15:13

Half your age plus ten is the boundary for a non-creepy age gap. So if you're 37 and he's 26 then he's a bit young for you by this metric.

DeclineandFall · 27/03/2023 15:16

I know at least 3 couples in F/M relationships where the F is 10 plus years older. They worked perfectly but it seems to become more of an issue once the man gets into his 50s. He's usually desperately trying to hang on to the fag end of youthful middle age and the female partner is approaching 70. Perhaps more tellingly none of those relationships have children either. I'm in my 50s and no one thought older woman/younger man was that odd back in the day.

potniatheron · 27/03/2023 15:17

There's a similar age gap between me and my partner but we're a lot older - late fifties and late forties. We both had lots of life experiences including past divorce/LTR when we got toegther. The issue is not so much the gap per se more the fact that men in their mid 20s can still be quite immature. Do you find this to be an issue?
The other question if you are considering a LTR is children. Your best childbearing age will soon be behind you whereas he may not even have started to think about it yet. So that could become a problem further down the line.
None of this is a dealbreaker btw! If you make each other happy then go for it.

emmathedilemma · 27/03/2023 15:22

I have close friends with a 15year age gap it was practically illegal when they first got together but she's the younger one so less potential issues in terms of having children. They're also at a stage now where he's talking about wanting to retire early but they have 2 kids who might need supporting through uni and it will be several years until the youngest one potentially goes.

KimberleyClark · 27/03/2023 15:22

My only concern would be if you want children and he won’t be ready for a while. You don’t have that much time.

girlfriend44 · 27/03/2023 15:29

Here we go again the age thing yawn.

there is no law that says we need to be in a relationship with someone the same age as us.
Many people are happy in age gap relationships, yours isnt even that large.

Elfandwellbeing · 27/03/2023 15:31

My sis is 13 years older than her husband… been together 25 years. It can work but it doesn’t mean other people won’t have opinions.

Original poster

Kittykat9070 · 27/03/2023 15:32

Thank you so much for your replies, I actually have a child already so no massive urge for children from me. He definitely would like a family, and he seems very mature- more so than older guys I’ve dated!
I think my issue is, I’ve only ever been with guys older than me. I honestly never expected to feel like this about someone so much younger.

I enjoy his company so much, he’s so kind, handsome and really really lovely to me. When we’re together I genuinely forget there’s an age gap. I guess I think about it more when I’m on my own with time to think.

OP posts:

onwardsup4 · 27/03/2023 15:33

beastlyslumber · 27/03/2023 15:13

Half your age plus ten is the boundary for a non-creepy age gap. So if you're 37 and he's 26 then he's a bit young for you by this metric.

It's actually half your age plus 7. Not that it would matter he's 26, fully grown adult.

Nastyurtium · 27/03/2023 15:33

Does he have a timeframe on when he’d like to start his own family?

Alicetheowl · 27/03/2023 15:34

It's not a big age gap. If you're happy just see how it goes.

Original poster

Kittykat9070 · 27/03/2023 15:34

@girlfriend44

I don’t spend that much time on mumsnet that I know every thread and how many times it been a topic of conversation, but it wasn’t yawn enough for you to not reply.

but actually your comment was helpful so thank you

OP posts:

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 27/03/2023 15:35

Don't fret @Kittykat9070

Just enjoy each other and have some fun

What will be will be 💐

LakeTiticaca · 27/03/2023 15:35

It's nobody's business except yours, but I it serious, you need to talk about if you both want children. He may not be ready for 10 years, you may be ready now..
If its just a fling, live in the moment and enjoy it!!
As a side note, a friend of mine is 9 years older than her husband, she's 39 and he's 30. They've been together about 6 years and have 2 young sons. They are very happy 😊

Nopinnogin · 27/03/2023 15:35

Yes I know a couple if older women with younger men. No big deal. I only know of the age gap because it’s been mentioned- they don’t look noticeably older than their partners.

Ponoka7 · 27/03/2023 15:35

It depends on personalities. I had friends with benefits in their twenties when I was in my 30's. I'd say at 40 and 29 you'd notice the age difference a bit more. But again, it depends on the individuals.

AramintaLee · 27/03/2023 15:38

My partner is 10 years younger and we are getting married this year. Honestly it's about mental compatability... he's very mature for his age and wants the same things that I do. He's done with going out with the lads and random hook ups. He just wants to settle down with me and the cats lol.

It helps that he doesn't want kids because I'm now at the age where I've firmly decided its not for me and there's no going back on that decision. I think that's the big hurdle when it comes to older woman/younger man dynamic. You have to be aligned on the kids thing.

I say just enjoy it and see how it goes. I don't notice the age gap and my fiancé doesn't either.

MamaDollyorJesus · 27/03/2023 15:39

@onwardsup4 at 44 I couldn't imagine being with a 29yo - it's only 6 years older than DD1!

OP if he makes you happy, is a good man & isn't waving red flags like bunting at a street party then just enjoy it. Who cares what other people think, they're not in your relationship so it's none of their concern.

MarchMadness23 · 27/03/2023 15:46

I think it depends whether you see this as 'for now' or 'forever'.

if you see it as 'forever' you do need to have a serious discussion about kids. Or what often happens is, it's all good for a few years, until the younger male decides he needs a younger woman to have babies with, it's survival of the species, ingrained, biological thing, not a 'fancy them' thing.

if you both want kids, best get on with it!! Don't think you have years & years, to think about it.

if it's a 'for now' thing & you're happy not to have any other children, then just take it as it comes. But being in a relationship stops (must people) from finding someone who is at the same point in life as them and you can 'waste' years not finding that someone. In other words, it can be a recipe for heartache.

CSPS2019 · 27/03/2023 15:47

I met my DH at 25, he was 37. We’ve been together 10 years and are still blissfully happy. I don’t see why it can’t work the other way around. The more important factors are shared values and wanting the same things from life. Go for it!

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