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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child sickness and in-laws

70 replies

magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 10:25

I virtually single parent in the week as DH is away working. DD started school in September and since starting it has been sickness after sickness. With the school strikes too, it has been a really difficult few weeks trying to juggle work / sickness / childcare. I feel like I have become a really unreliable employee.

Tomorrow I have a really important thing on at work that I must go to. My mum has reluctantly agreed to take DD for the morning after a lot of persuading from myself. DD isn't poorly poorly - she has a temperature, but is running around and generally okay in herself. My parents have never been particularly hands on and at times I have found the lack of support really really hard. DH coming home is not an option as he is currently abroad until Easter.

Yesterday I was sent photos of MIL and SIL at a spa day. Yes, I know I am jealous, but SIL's DD is also unwell and because she lives with DH's parents DFIL was on duty so she could go out and have a fun day. They live quite a distance from us, but I am at home today working / trying to juggle DD and no message from DH's family to ask how DD is.

The spa day pictures were captioned with it's been a tough few weeks so well-deserved spa day (the difficult few weeks relate to problems with her ex-husband that have been ongoing for the last 3 years). SIL lives with parents, they do the bulk of the childcare / school run etc, if her child is sick, in-laws will be there looking after niece.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel really resentful and I am sad that MIL hasn't even messaged to ask how her other grandchild is.

AIBU petty and unreasonable?

OP posts:

Mrsphilmiller · 27/03/2023 10:33

sorry you’re having a hard time. i would be annoyed to but it’s not their fault really.

SundaySundaySunday · 27/03/2023 10:37

Do your in-laws know about everything you’ve been going through?

I can understand the way you’re feeling, but if SIL is living with your in-laws, it is natural that they’d be more involved with her child.

I hope things get easier for you soon….

Ponoka7 · 27/03/2023 10:39

A bit of a temperature doesn't warrant a text asking how she is. Are the school insisting that she stay off? What's actually keeping her off? It's tough when you don't have family around, but just because GPs are retired, I don't think that they should have to give childcare on tap.

SkyandSurf · 27/03/2023 10:41

You said she isn't very sick though?

What do you expect them to do differently?

Ponoka7 · 27/03/2023 10:41

Also, you seem to be minimising your Sails and her children's problems. A break up isn't easy on anyone. Having childcare is a bonus for her, but you don't know the level of interference, or having to keep MIL company, no privacy etc she has to put up with.

Original poster

magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 10:44

Yes, they know it is hard when my parents are not supportive.

SIL has been having a rough time for the past 3 years and if I am being brutally honest I am sick of hearing about it. Her husband left her, but after 3 years my ability to sympathise with it all has become very thin. She has enough money to buy a property outright as she told DH how much she could afford as a cash buyer. Both DH and I feel like she should have moved out an on by now.

She doesn't have to worry about school runs, running around to do pick up , paying for before and after school clubs etc because DH's parents do it all.

On this one occasion it would have been nice to have at least had a message from them to ask how we are doing and how their other grand daughter is. DD never gets any 1:1 time with them - Face Time SIL and DN are always there as well.

and I know I ABU here, but DH's family have a group WhatsAPP chat - SIL will put photos on of niece and everybody comments. I put on a photo and it is never acknowledged.

I am just feeling fed up, angry, resentful and sorry for myself today.

OP posts:

Hillarious · 27/03/2023 10:46

Have you asked your inlaws for help?

CupidStuntt · 27/03/2023 10:48

You are being ridiculous. What she does in her spare time is up to her. You are struggling because your DH works away, no other reason. You don't have kids and then expect other people to sort them out.

Itsbytheby · 27/03/2023 10:53

You are being ridiculous and jealous. It's not their fault you are having a tough time, and it's not their responisbility to fix it. What do you want them to do, cancel their spa day to not make you jealous?

Your issue btw is your DH, he has left you doing everything. It's not your parents' job to step up for him, and actually I think you are being unfair on them too.

Theturtlethatcried · 27/03/2023 10:55

They live far away, and with the other grandchild. They’re probably Grandchilded out! The fact your parents don’t help is hardly their fault. In a few years there’ll probably be a quid pro quo as well - who do you see providing the majority of the support to them as they age?

And honestly it’s not really your parents job to do lots of childcare for you either. Yes, it’s tough bring a working parent when your partner works away - but he’s the first person I’d be looking at for more support, not grandparents.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/03/2023 10:56

Hire some help! If your Dh is working abroad, I'm assuming you can afford it.

Get a nanny or at least put you child into nursery for a few hours a week to give you a break.

And tell your DH that something needs to change.

EyesOnThePies · 27/03/2023 11:00

It’s tough managing and juggling.

Tell your MIL you are the wrong audience for Spa Day messages. Stop looking at SM.

Send your Dd to school. Ignore calls from school until work event is over.

ObamaLlamas · 27/03/2023 11:02

You need a nanny or Unless DHs job is unbreakable i.e the Army or extremely well paid etc then maybe he needs to rethink his job and be at home more.

And you shouldn't be keeping a happy child with a bit of a temperature off school. Re think what illness is in kids - get her on some sambucol, give her calpol in the morning before school if you need to and go to work.
Mine only stay off school with D&V but otherwise I send them in.
But to be fair they don't get ill much since I've dosed them up with sambucol and multi vitamins on top of their good diets.

JudgeRudy · 27/03/2023 11:05

Yes I think you're being unreasonable. Young children are unwell frequently. As you said yourself she wasn't particularly ill anyway. I also think there's a massive difference between sending over a few captioned pics to having a conversation with someone.

Are you sure it isn't more about you've reached saturation level hearing about SILs woes? Seeing the pics made you feel 'Well boo hoo! Poor you, yes you deserve a break my love, you've had it sooooo hard'
It's OK to be topic bored but you're bringing other stuff into it (like how reluctant your mum was to help out). Are you dissatisfied that your husband works away, are you jealous of the relationship your SIL has with MIL? Or are you just a bit tired a cranky?

I've not been in your position but given the choice of a loving husband that was away occasionally v a areshole ex and being a homeless single mum I know which I'd chose. However supportive your ILs are your SIL and your niece don't have what you have.

JudgeRudy · 27/03/2023 11:14

I also think you're unfair to say your own mother is unsupportive. She dropped everything and looked after your sick/running around child. Yes, she wasn't delighted and might have grumbled but she did it. What about your friends and siblings? Are they also unsupportive? Maybe they're at work...so is your MIL. She's got her daughter and grandchild living with her who for whatever reason isn't coping well.

Orangey25 · 27/03/2023 11:20

With "a bit of a temperature " and running round as normal i would send them to school to be honest

EndOfEternity · 27/03/2023 11:25

I can empathise OP. I had no family and in-laws were/are stand-off ish.
The one time I swallowed my pride and said ‘Please we need some help, could you …” it was met with lukewarm support.
Now, years later, I still hold a grudge (it was a really difficult situation) BUT wish I had been able to be more frankly open and honest to them about how difficult it was, and how I needed support. It may not have changed things but they would have been able to make an informed decision (and any grudge validated).
Could you be brutally honest, state situation and directly ask for the support you’d like?

Aftjbtibg · 27/03/2023 11:29

I get it as it just runs salt in the wound and is a bit insensitive.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 27/03/2023 11:35

I get it's not nice to read but honestly I think you're angry at your mum and taking it out on the wrong people.

Your DD doesn't sound poorly enough to warrant being checked up on - it's just a minor temperature. You said yourself she's running around like normal.

If your mum can't be relied upon to do childcare I would just take her out of the equation completely and either cope with DD at home yourself or take another day off.

I totally get that you're frustrated and want the help your SIL is getting but that's never going to happen when you live a distance away and she lives at home.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/03/2023 11:37

Is your DH job a new thing? Or did you decide to have children knowing you'd be doing it alone?
You're blaming the wrong people here.

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 27/03/2023 11:41

I get it, but you are annoyed with the wrong people. It's hard to see others having a good time when you are struggling, but its unfair of you to resent it. I think if you are struggling to cope then you need to speak to your dh about changing his job, or what he can do to support you when he is home.
(Please don't say you are a single parent when he is away, having someone at the end of the phone, home weekends and paying the bills is a world away from what a single parent actually is.)

Original poster

magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 11:47

So I think some of this is historic stuff.

When I was pregnant with DD I was really ill with a kidney infection and I needed to be admitted to hospital from A&E. DH was up in Liverpool and my mum refused to drive me to the admitting hospital. I had to wait hours for my Aunt to wake up to take me. I then needed an urgent scan at another hospital whilst I was admitted and DH was on his way back from Liverpool, and my parents refused to pick me up from one hospital to get to another. I missed the scan. My parents then wouldn't bring me any clean clothes / underwear and as I had been admitted in an emergency I was without any money. It was a horrific time. After DD was born, I was stuck in a top floor flat after a c section. DH was around, but consulting so wasn't always around. There were days I was stuck indoors with a newborn, no visitors etc. So the support has never been forthcoming from my parents when I've really needed them.

DD's temp has now spiked 41 so I am waiting on 111 to call.

Tomorrow is a really important day for me at work. I'm newly promoted and I am key to a project that is starting up. All I was asking is for a few hours support so I can attend. I don't feel like I am giving the job my best and given the amount of time I've already had to take off in the last few weeks I think tomorrow will not go down well if I am not there.

I have probably reached saturation point with SIL. I just get exasperated with all the woe is me stuff when she has time to go to an expensive gym, work out etc when I get no time for any of it. She even asked DH if she could borrow £25k so she could buy a bigger and better house.

DH is in the process of having a UK based job so I know things will change, but it's been really hard at times when there has been little in the way of support when I've really needed it.

OP posts:

IkeNoNo · 27/03/2023 11:50

You say ILs live far away, how far?

Im sorry, but the issues you have seem to be that your own family are shit, and that DH is away a lot.

I don't see what ILs could realistically do to help you today.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/03/2023 11:53

So your mum didn’t really want to take your sick DD, and the day before this, your MIL and SIL went on a spa day? Did you even ask them for help?

These seem like totally unrelated issues to me?

The sickness is relentless at points, but I’ve never asked others to look after my children when they’re ill. We don’t have much local family support in any case. There’s lots of people in the same boat. It does pass slightly when they get older.

DPotter · 27/03/2023 11:55

Having back up child care is an important aspect when both parents are working f/t. You have realised you can't call on either sets of parents - just write them off as far as that goes - don't even think of them, waste of your time and energy.

So you'll have to buy in help. Yes it will cost you, but that's how it goes. There are baby sitting services who will provide nannies / au pairs / mother's helps at short notice to cover care. Yes I know it's someone your child will not know, but this is making the best of a bad job. Better you focus on solving the problem and spending your time wishing you had more hands on parents

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