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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child sickness and in-laws

70 replies

magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 10:25

I virtually single parent in the week as DH is away working. DD started school in September and since starting it has been sickness after sickness. With the school strikes too, it has been a really difficult few weeks trying to juggle work / sickness / childcare. I feel like I have become a really unreliable employee.

Tomorrow I have a really important thing on at work that I must go to. My mum has reluctantly agreed to take DD for the morning after a lot of persuading from myself. DD isn't poorly poorly - she has a temperature, but is running around and generally okay in herself. My parents have never been particularly hands on and at times I have found the lack of support really really hard. DH coming home is not an option as he is currently abroad until Easter.

Yesterday I was sent photos of MIL and SIL at a spa day. Yes, I know I am jealous, but SIL's DD is also unwell and because she lives with DH's parents DFIL was on duty so she could go out and have a fun day. They live quite a distance from us, but I am at home today working / trying to juggle DD and no message from DH's family to ask how DD is.

The spa day pictures were captioned with it's been a tough few weeks so well-deserved spa day (the difficult few weeks relate to problems with her ex-husband that have been ongoing for the last 3 years). SIL lives with parents, they do the bulk of the childcare / school run etc, if her child is sick, in-laws will be there looking after niece.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel really resentful and I am sad that MIL hasn't even messaged to ask how her other grandchild is.

AIBU petty and unreasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 15:54

School told us. There are half of reception out with same bug.

OP posts:

Peachy2005 · 27/03/2023 16:02

Mute the MIL, mute/leave the IL family Whats App group, unfollow them all on SM, assume you have no available support from family…that will cut out a lot of the annoyance and resentment. You or DH might at some point have to tell MIL you don’t want to hear about all the problems SIL is having as your have your own problems. Good luck!

EducatingArti · 27/03/2023 16:10

At the moment most schools seem to be asking parents not to send a child in with a temperature as there are so many bugs around and it can cause havoc if too many staff get sick ( let alone the children) so no, the op should not be sending her daughter in to school .

whattodo1975 · 27/03/2023 16:25

Sounds to me that the real issue is your own parents being shit, and i mean really shit. What was there reason for not taking you to hospital?

The relationship SIL and MIL annoys you because of how crap your own mum is.

saraclara · 27/03/2023 16:50

I'm entirely confused as to why you're so angry with the inlaws right at this moment. They're not to blame for you being in this situtation with your mildly unwell DD. As far as I can tell, you've not asked them to help, and they live a distance away.

You clearly aren't fond of them and resent their help for SIL. But what has any of that got to do with your DD? She has a mild temperature and you expect them to be checking in? I'm a very involved DGM within 45 minutes of my DD and DGD but I don't constantly check in when she's mildly ill. Since she started nursery I'd be checking more days than not!

And yes, the pp has a point regarding your sexism.

Orangello · 27/03/2023 17:21

So your family is unsupportive and you are resentful that SIL gets support from her parents, essentially? Might be a tiniest bit U indeed.

billy1966 · 27/03/2023 17:34

OP,

It sounds very tough juggling it all.

You need to find a back up childminder and pay her well to back you up.

Mute that WhatsApp group.

You need to mind yourself and make it really clear to your husband how difficult everything has been.

He needs to spend some one on one with his child and you need to organise a nice weekend away for yourself.

Your parents sound awful.

I'm so sorry.

ImAvingOops · 27/03/2023 17:47

It's not unreasonable though to think the ILs might occasionally ask after their other grandchild. Or remember that OP is alone a lot while their son is away and maybe check in and ask if she needs any help. These are things that normal families do.
And if they aren't willing to help, at least be tactful and not bang on about how hard sil has it, when they are effectively co parenting with her!

FrownedUpon · 27/03/2023 17:50

You need to deal with your jealousy & bitterness or it will eat you up. Concentrate on your own life. Childcare is you & your husbands responsibility I’m afraid.

Original poster

magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 18:00

Yes, I know I am jealous and resentful, but it irritates me when the other grandchild has exactly the same as DD yet all over family WhatsApp everybody is asking how she is, but not DD. MIL lamenting how hard it's been for them today. Well if it's been hard get SIL to step up and do her bit rather than go to work!

OP posts:

DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/03/2023 18:07

magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 18:00

Do you think you manage to hide how you feel about them, from them? Might explain the lack of WhatsApp interaction

ImAvingOops · 27/03/2023 18:08

OP, the advice to remove yourself from the family chat and social media is good advice. You are right that they should do more (all of them) but it isn't helpful to you or good to see the proof that they won't!
Make sure your husband does get a job back home with you and that he does his share. He needs to be a physically present parent - it's not enough to supply money and little else - you need real physical support from the father of your child.
As a couple you need contingency plans that don't involve your parents or in-laws. Sometimes families are just crap and there's nothing you can do bar take yourself out of the environment.

Ffsmakeitstop · 27/03/2023 18:17

Welcome op to the new mn where the aim is to kick someone when they're down.
Gone are the days of support and empathy.
I hope your dd gets well as soon and that you manage to get to work tomorrow. 💐

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 27/03/2023 18:21

magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 18:00

Unfortunately you can't control anyone else's behaviour, only yours.

As hard as it is, I would just stop having expectations of either set of parents - if your DH is going to keep working away, then he needs to be prepared to pay for some kind support system for you going forward.

Elsamit · 27/03/2023 18:44

EyesOnThePies · 27/03/2023 11:00

It’s tough managing and juggling.

Tell your MIL you are the wrong audience for Spa Day messages. Stop looking at SM.

Send your Dd to school. Ignore calls from school until work event is over.

No, I wouldn't personally send a child to school with a temperature. They have a temperature for a reason and it is unfair to expose others to whatever it is your child is currently fighting. School is not a child minding service! Why would you ignore calls from school when there would clearly be an issue with your child?

Inkpotlover · 27/03/2023 18:53

magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 18:00

You are unfairly projecting your anger that your parents constantly let you down at your ILs. They are allowed to support their daughter through a divorce and they are allowed to go to a spa for the day.

Have you ever told you parents how much it upsets you that they're never there for you? You should do, while making it clear their attitude means you have no inclination to help them out in old age should they need it.

Derbee · 27/03/2023 18:54

You sound so petty and jealous, that I doubt you manage to hide it all from your in laws. So they probably don’t engage because you’ll be jealous of SIL/feel you’re owed more, no matter what they do.

Your family sound a bit shit. But you’re conflating issues. As for asking how a child with a temperature is?! Come on, that’s ridiculous.

If your life isn’t working with your husband’s working pattern, find a new plan.

Viviennemary · 27/03/2023 18:56

It's really cheeky of them I think. Wouldn't be bothering with them too much in future.

Elsamit · 27/03/2023 18:59

I am sorry that you are going through this OP. As a grandparent, I cannot understand why your family won't help. I hope your DD recovers quickly.

Sceptre86 · 27/03/2023 19:03

Of course you are feeling resentful and on your own. I would too in your circumstances. You can't rely on your parents or inlaws so need your dh. You have said he is coming back to a UK based job which is great but maybe you need to have a chat about how you can make both your jobs work for your family. Like this every time your child is ill it will fall to you. In my experience for both people in a couple to have high powered jobs you need iron clad childcare or one goes part time or becomes a sahp. I know all of this will be dependent on finances for you and its maybe not as easy as I've stated but can you really go on like this?

You are never going to be a priority for the inlaws so I'd just give up on that one and would probably leave the group chat or put it on mute. As for your own family, they sound less than worthless. I'm sorry op it does sound tough but if you had your dh to lean on it would be more manageable. Hope your dd feels better soon.

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