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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child sickness and in-laws

70 replies

magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 10:25

I virtually single parent in the week as DH is away working. DD started school in September and since starting it has been sickness after sickness. With the school strikes too, it has been a really difficult few weeks trying to juggle work / sickness / childcare. I feel like I have become a really unreliable employee.

Tomorrow I have a really important thing on at work that I must go to. My mum has reluctantly agreed to take DD for the morning after a lot of persuading from myself. DD isn't poorly poorly - she has a temperature, but is running around and generally okay in herself. My parents have never been particularly hands on and at times I have found the lack of support really really hard. DH coming home is not an option as he is currently abroad until Easter.

Yesterday I was sent photos of MIL and SIL at a spa day. Yes, I know I am jealous, but SIL's DD is also unwell and because she lives with DH's parents DFIL was on duty so she could go out and have a fun day. They live quite a distance from us, but I am at home today working / trying to juggle DD and no message from DH's family to ask how DD is.

The spa day pictures were captioned with it's been a tough few weeks so well-deserved spa day (the difficult few weeks relate to problems with her ex-husband that have been ongoing for the last 3 years). SIL lives with parents, they do the bulk of the childcare / school run etc, if her child is sick, in-laws will be there looking after niece.

I know I shouldn't, but I feel really resentful and I am sad that MIL hasn't even messaged to ask how her other grandchild is.

AIBU petty and unreasonable?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/03/2023 11:55

From your follow up post. It seems you could be using money to solve your problems. Taxi's, nannies etc

I'm sorry about your kidney, but again, there seems to be no personal responsibility on your part. For example you claim that you had to wait ages for your aunt to come, but that you had no time to pack a bag. And if your dh is a consultant, and assuming no friends were available to take you, is there no money for a taxi in such situations?

Teder · 27/03/2023 11:57

It’s stressful trying to juggle work and a poorly child, so you have my sympathy. You’re directing it at the wrong people though. You need to have a sit down with your husband and find a better way to make it work for your family. If he shared some of the burden, it would be easier and you wouldn’t feel resentful of your parents and in laws. Your daughters father bears the responsibility and obligation.

Original poster
magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 11:57

arethereanyleftatall · 27/03/2023 11:55

From your follow up post. It seems you could be using money to solve your problems. Taxi's, nannies etc

I'm sorry about your kidney, but again, there seems to be no personal responsibility on your part. For example you claim that you had to wait ages for your aunt to come, but that you had no time to pack a bag. And if your dh is a consultant, and assuming no friends were available to take you, is there no money for a taxi in such situations?

I was admitted to A&E in an emergency. I was incoherent, collapsed three times so no I couldn't take personality responsibility and pack a bag. Seriously what a nasty response.

OP posts:
Theturtlethatcried · 27/03/2023 11:59

You were in hospital alone for hours, pregnant and without help/clothes etc - and the person you’re mad at is your Mum? Unless you live in the Hebrides or Lands End then why the hell didn’t your husband, and father of your child, drop whatever he was doing in Liverpool and get his ass home to help you?

Ditto all this time off work, being an unreliable employee etc - he is the other parent of your child. It’s not your mother’s job to drop things to help out, it’s his. Why can’t he occasionally fly home/miss a meeting/be unreliable at work? Or if his job is so vital then you accept that when you have a child with someone like that then your career etc is going to suffer. You don’t get to unilaterally drag your parents into picking up the slack.

I mean they sound useless and you’d be justified in allowing it to affect your relationship with them and remembering the level of support they offered you as they age and want your help and support, but balancing two careers and a child is ultimately between you and your DH.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 27/03/2023 12:02

balancing two careers and a child is ultimately between you and your DH.

This. DH also works away a lot, so I reduced my hours to part time. Something had to give. It doesn’t have to be the mother, but needs to be something you sit down together and work out, as this will presumably happen again and again with young DC. It’s not just your responsibility as PP has said.

Original poster
magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 12:04

He was on his way back from Liverpool which is a 7 hour drive from where we live.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/03/2023 12:06

Have you noticed op that all your frustration is directed at the females around you. Mum should do more, sil is entitled, mil should have messaged, aunt was late. No ire directed at all to husband who isn't parenting, your father, the bil who left, fil, nor uncle.

PinkPatches · 27/03/2023 12:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

MatildaTheCat · 27/03/2023 12:10

Obviously the person you are most upset with is your mum. She sounds really difficult and I can’t even imagine refusing to take my sick daughter to hospital. She doesn’t sound like a good person to look after your dd anyway.

This is a good time to investigate emergency back up care for your dd to minimise the impact on your work. For a few years I’d suck up the cost and pay whatever it costs to hire in help so your career isn’t damaged. Of course I mean your DH as well in terms of paying. Doing this will be more satisfying and productive than ruminating on your in laws.

I hope DD is better soon and your work goes well.

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2023 12:12

It sounds as if your dad is as disconnected as your mum?

Can you afford to pay for outside help? Because you're not going to get it from them?

MelchiorsMistress · 27/03/2023 12:15

You’re upset about a lack of support but you’ve set yourself up to need extra support if you’re wilful time and your DH works away. This is no one else’s fault and it’s not really fair for you to be judging your SIL like you do. She’s not doing anything wrong.

beAsensible1 · 27/03/2023 12:17

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/03/2023 10:56

Hire some help! If your Dh is working abroad, I'm assuming you can afford it.

Get a nanny or at least put you child into nursery for a few hours a week to give you a break.

And tell your DH that something needs to change.

this.

You are essentially a single parent, get some support and honestly if DH is working away and you can't it might be time to reassess. because what are the benefits of being alone without help with no financial benefit.

Stop begrudging your SIL help, its her mother! of course they're closer and the relationship that you and them have will be different.

and if you really really struggling sometimes you have to be direct and ask OP!

diddl · 27/03/2023 12:30

Would you be wanting to live with your Ils Op for the few times that you might need help?

Your parents don't seem to be interested, your Ils are too far away & your husband works away.

Perfect storm!

SkyandSurf · 27/03/2023 14:08

You're not 'virtually' a single parent because your partner works away. At the very least there is a full time income flowing into your house that actual single parents don't have.

I'm not sure how worried you're expecting your in laws to be about a child that you've described as having a mild temperature, but is running around and feeling well in themselves. I wouldn't enquire either about a child who is quite well.

I think you should try to mind your own business where SIL is concerned. She's had the misfortune of her relationship ending. She's had the good fortune of having her parents to support her through it. If they are happy to keep doing it and she is doing well then I don't see why she should give up her supportive home, company and help with childcare to suit you or make things fair in your mind.

ImAvingOops · 27/03/2023 14:53

Not all single parents are poor though @SkyandSurf or have ex partners who don't pay their share.
On a day to day basis, the OP is very much a single parent because her husband is unavailable to help her on any sort of practical sense.

I think your mother sounds awful and tbh I'd be severing ties - there are very few circumstances in which it's okay for a mother to refuse help to her hospitalised child.
DH needs to come home and start doing some parenting. It's not right to have a child and then not be there for their childhood. It's also not fair that your career is going to get tanked because the father of your child isn't pulling his weight. When he's home, it wouldn't go amiss for him to remind his own family that they gave another grandchild besides his sister's child!
They all sound a bit shit tbh.

I do agree that in the meantime you need to buy in some help. Although it wouldn't help you when your child is sick because outside of family, few people are willing to look after unwell kids.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 27/03/2023 15:06

It sounds like there's a lot of history with your parents.

I would just take them out of the equation completely when you need help. Don't call them, don't even consider them as an option - they're only going to let you down and make you even more upset. It's really not worth it.

If DH is working away a lot, he needs to fund a support system for you in case of emergency.

ObamaLlamas · 27/03/2023 15:27

arethereanyleftatall · 27/03/2023 12:06

Have you noticed op that all your frustration is directed at the females around you. Mum should do more, sil is entitled, mil should have messaged, aunt was late. No ire directed at all to husband who isn't parenting, your father, the bil who left, fil, nor uncle.

This is so interesting and true..OP definitely throw some money at the issue. If you can't afford to then one of you needs to consider part time as its not worth your husband working away if it doesn't even pay well.
Get your kids on probiotics. Consider some therapy.

Original poster
magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 15:33

Thanks everyone. I acknowledge I've probably been unreasonable. It's just been a very stressful few weeks for me and I am not delivering at work due to the amount of time I have had to take off.

MIL messaged to say that her other grandchild was unwell and what an awful day she is having up there with childcare. No mention of how is my DD and SIL has been able to go to work today. So yes, I do get resentful, but I am ending the thread here.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 27/03/2023 15:36

sorry you're having a hard time of it OP.
The key thing here isn't to have to reply on your (reluctant) parents or your (already busy) ILs but to put some robust emergency childcare plans in place so that if you have important work stuff that you can't miss, you can handle them.

Sorry your DD is ill, i hope she feels better soon.

Hbh17 · 27/03/2023 15:36

Send your child to school, for a start, and then pay for help when you need it! This is what thousands of people do, and most of them live a long way away from grandparents so the idea of unpaid "help" would never enter their heads.

Original poster
magneticmeg · 27/03/2023 15:38

Not logical to send in when her temp has been spiking 40 degrees?!!

OP posts:
Brefugee · 27/03/2023 15:40

the non-logical things are you expecting your mum to step up when you know she won't. And expecting your ILs to contact you when you haven't really had that much contact.

And as pp said: what about the men in your life?

As so many of us have to: if you want the life you have with the husband you have (and his job) you have to put things in place to enable that. Or you have to change things around. Expecting your mum to help seems a bit daft given she didn't even take you to hospital.

NerrSnerr · 27/03/2023 15:41

We have a similar set up where my husband works away for usually 2 weeks out of the month. I work 4 days. We don't have any family support so it's just us.

We made it clear with my husband's workplace that he has to do most of the sick days etc when he is around as everything falls to me when he's not here. We've both been in our respective jobs for a few years now so they have evolved over the years so we can both do maximum work with the limited childcare we have.

Strictly1 · 27/03/2023 15:41

EyesOnThePies · 27/03/2023 11:00

It’s tough managing and juggling.

Tell your MIL you are the wrong audience for Spa Day messages. Stop looking at SM.

Send your Dd to school. Ignore calls from school until work event is over.

So school need to look after a poorly child! You’re not meant to be in school with a temperature. Don’t make it their problem!

CurlewKate · 27/03/2023 15:50

This isn't what you asked-but does she need to be off school? What caused you to take her temperature?