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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think there’s a difference between a husband and a partner?

295 replies

YaWeeFurryBastard · 27/03/2023 07:47

Obviously we all know that legally there’s a difference! But do you feel there’s a difference in commitment/ a social difference?

For me, I felt a difference once we mere married and a greater sense of “permanence” and security, but I know others feel no difference at all!

YABU - no difference between the two except the legals
YANBU - a husband is a more committed relationship than a partner

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 27/03/2023 20:53

Marriage does not protect anyone

It does. It protects the least wealthy half of the couple. Usually the female half.

StepAwayFromTheBiscuitJar · 27/03/2023 20:56

I think there often is a difference but that there doesn't necessarily need to be. It's because most people see it as 'taking the next step'.

grayhairdontcare · 27/03/2023 20:57

@Blossomtoes only if the financial side of things isn't equal and legally water tight.

StarDolphins · 27/03/2023 21:06

Daffodilsandbeer · 27/03/2023 09:28

Neither a joint mortgage or a child is a commitment to the other. People can easily co parent and of course a joint mortgage just means you own half each.

marriage is a very much bigger commitment to each other that for many is highly complex to unravel

Show quote history

Ime, marriage really isn’t that difficult to unravel at all, I would say half my friends & wider group are either divorced & single or re-married.

It’s just a process that people might find stressful but certainly not highly complex or there would be far less of it.

BashfulClam · 27/03/2023 21:14

We were together for over 10 years before getting married (had been engaged for 9 years). We had joint property, mirror wills, PoA, joint accounts etc. I wasn’t expecting things to feel different but they do and I can’t explain it.

Blossomtoes · 27/03/2023 21:19

grayhairdontcare · 27/03/2023 20:57

@Blossomtoes only if the financial side of things isn't equal and legally water tight.

That’s what I thought I said. Unfortunately however watertight it is, if you have significant assets the inheritance tax implications make marriage very attractive which is why many couples who have been together decades end up making a quick visit to the registry office.

Riverlee · 27/03/2023 21:19

Yes, I would assume a difference.

A husband lives with their wife (unless an ex), and they are legally married.

Partner is a much broader term, and can include anything from a boyfriend to a husband. I think with husbands you can safely say or assume they live with their wife, but a partner may not do so.

Geilenk · 27/03/2023 21:23

SquidwardBound · 27/03/2023 08:19

I would actually frame the difference in another way.

The problem, IME, has been that having a husband does not mean that you have a partner. For me the sense of permanence and security comes, not from the legal contract, but from the behaviour and attitude of the man.

A marriage certificate won’t make you feel safe and secure if the man you’re married to is behaving in a way that shows he doesn’t really care about you or your well-being. Where he’s showing that he will not consider your needs and will make choices based on what’s easiest for him even knowing it will cause you harm.

It actually feels even worse when that same man insists that the marriage certificate of somehow proof that he’s committed to the relationship.

Theres no point having a husband if he’s not a partner. Properly.

Absolutely love this. Thank you.

StarDolphins · 27/03/2023 21:23

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/03/2023 14:24

@Mamma2017

This. A lot of smug marrieds out there! Meanwhile I don’t think the blokes care as much either way & often feel pressured into popping the Q.

I know. Usually these people have been in an organised guilt campaign and passive aggressively bullying their boyfriends to propose to them behind the scenes for years. And then turn around and behave as if being married gives you some automatic moral superiority.

See also the people who fall over themselves to correct you if you have the audacity to describe someone as a "partner" when you don't live together.

The internalised misogyny is strong.

Absolutely this!

definitely 5 wives I know have done this! Boyfriend said no to start with & each one has pecked & pecked for years even until the man finally agrees for a quiet life.

The wife then all diet eyed on her FB ‘I said yes’ post like he’s ‘surprised her!

StarDolphins · 27/03/2023 21:24

doey eyed!

EmmaDilemma5 · 27/03/2023 21:26

I'd been with my husband 14 years before we got married. 3 kids and a mortgage before the big day.

It made zero difference to us, except good to know the legalities were there.

I think how long you've been together probably has a big impact on people's experiences.

FinallyHere · 27/03/2023 21:56

Married over twenty years, together over thirty years.

YABU

Only difference for me is the IHT bill on the first death. Simples.

We don't have DC together. I think having DC makes a difference, especially for the financially weaker partner.

TheBirdintheCave · 27/03/2023 22:39

I don't mind what other people choose to call their significant other but what does grind my gears is when someone refers to my husband as my partner even when they can clearly see written down that my title is Mrs 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

GneissWork · 27/03/2023 23:22

TheBirdintheCave · 27/03/2023 22:39

I don't mind what other people choose to call their significant other but what does grind my gears is when someone refers to my husband as my partner even when they can clearly see written down that my title is Mrs 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

You could easily be in a same sex relationship.

Some people- especially widows - continue to use their married title after they no longer have a husband. Some of them get new partners too.

A partner is someone who you are in a relationship with - you can be married and have a partner.

Mamma2017 · 27/03/2023 23:25

isthistheendtakeabreath · 27/03/2023 20:11

I'm currently going through a divorce and it makes me feel sad that I'll likely never have a husband again, that I won't ever be someone's wife again. To me it's indicative of permanence and stability and yes a certain "standing" in life. I'm the much higher earner so it didn't represent financial stability for me - perhaps more an emotional stability to be married? It makes me cringe to call someone a partner or boyfriend at my age if I'm lucky enough to meet someone in the future (I'm late 30s).

I read this expecting you to be at least in your 70s saying you’ll never be married again & talking like you won’t meet anyone again ever. Whaaaat? You’re in your 30s? Is there a religious or other reason? Apologies if so, otherwise I’m just surprised at that outlook. And I think the “certain standing” in life re being married is a perception that is fast becoming a thing of the past, thank goodness. The less judgment on someone for their relationship status the better, surely.
Good luck with everything & I genuinely hope you meet the person of your dreams x

TheBirdintheCave · 27/03/2023 23:35

@GneissWork Generally he's right beside me when it happens so there shouldn't be any confusion 😂

I'm just personally not a fan of the word partner as it makes me think of buddy cop films or cowboys (possibly some of my autistic associations 😂). We chose to get married so we like to use the terms husband and wife when referring to each other.

The worst culprits were the midwives when I was pregnant with our son. I saw the same one repeatedly and she could never remember to refer to my husband correctly which was really annoying 🙄

Outsideswimbabe · 27/03/2023 23:38

I would have said that being married was a statement to the world that you are together until death parts you. Legally being married gives you more protection but lately, I think the idea of having a partner means that you share the drudgery of living together more evenly, though I know it very much depends on the man you are with. And I meant to say “man”. Husband and wife still conjure up gender roles with the wife more often than not taking on the lions share while the husband remains like a huge child and is content to carry on as if the day to day running of a home is nothing to do with him. Yes I know not all husbands are like this but a bloody lot of them are.

Blossomtoes · 27/03/2023 23:42

The worst culprits were the midwives when I was pregnant with our son. I saw the same one repeatedly and she could never remember to refer to my husband correctly

That would be because she saw a constant stream of women all day long, some of whom were married, some not. If she always said partner she knew she was correct and most people wouldn’t give it a second thought. Saying husband and getting it wrong could be construed as quite judgemental to some people.

CurlewKate · 28/03/2023 05:05

I really think the only issue is people who frame marriage as better. Who get upset when their husband is referred to as their partner because it's important for the world to know they've achieved wifeness. 🤣

abs12 · 28/03/2023 06:28

Depends on the couple and stage of relationship. Where I come from, after a few years, there is no legal difference between married and de factor. Not sure id6feel differently if married. Maybe. But maybe not in a good way 🤷‍♀️

Mexicola · 28/03/2023 06:31

AHelpfulHand · 27/03/2023 07:51

You’ll get those not married voting YABU, and those married voting YANBU.

I felt different towards dh when we got married.

I agree with you. Those in a relationship will try and say their partner is as committed to them but I don’t think it’s true.

look at all the threads on here where women have done everything but get married under the guise it will happen one day and then all is revealed that he doesn’t want too.

ComeOnNumber100 · 28/03/2023 06:41

Marriage and lack of a will opposed to partners can make a big difference My dad’s fishing buddy was killed in a road collision and his partner was left homeless and powerless as he hadn’t divorced his wife that he had split from many years before. People need to sort this sort of thing out if you’re in a serious relationship with someone who has apathy towards divorcing.

grayhairdontcare · 28/03/2023 06:45

@Mexicola but I don't wish to be married.
I haven't ever, nor will, want wife status.
It's just not important to me.

ChillysWaterBottle · 28/03/2023 07:12

I've been hit on by too many married men to give much credence to the idea of marriage being anything particularly special or deep.

It isn't really the done thing in my peer group, maybe because many of my friends are financially literate high-earners with significant assets themselves. If a relationship is very unbalanced and the woman is particularly financially vulnerable, then I guess marriage might make sense practically. But hearing someone say their 'husband' or say their 'partner' has no difference really. It has no meaning to me. Its all about the actual relationship and people in it.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 28/03/2023 07:36

Blossomtoes · 27/03/2023 21:19

That’s what I thought I said. Unfortunately however watertight it is, if you have significant assets the inheritance tax implications make marriage very attractive which is why many couples who have been together decades end up making a quick visit to the registry office.

Show quote history

Additionally, lots of the things people often have when they describe their positions as watertight, like wills and pension nominations, can be unilaterally revoked without the other partner knowing.

There isn't any way to make being unmarried the same as being married or having a CP in that respect. For some people that's the main reason they don't tie the knot in the first place!