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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset I didn't defend my son?

61 replies

Theepissedoff · 26/03/2023 20:25

Hi all,

I went to a soft play yesterday with my 2 year old son. He's got a rare chromosome disorder which causes developmental delays, intellectual disability and we believe he is on the ASD spectrum.

He's a big lad too, cannot walk and is non verbal.

Anyway we were at the soft play and I was with him, helping and playing with him and then this little girl who was probably a similar aged to him came up to play but she got really close to him which sadly he doesn't like and he pushed her so I told him off and moved him away but this little girl wouldn't give up unfortunately she approached him 5 or 6 times with the same happening him pushing her away, me telling him off and moving him away.

By the time he really had enough and really pushed her away so she fell and started crying and all of a sudden her mum came rushing up having a go at me so I apologised and explained my son's disability and that he didn't understand and she responded with " Well if it acts like that maybe you shouldn't bring it out" and I was too stunned to speak I couldn't believe she just called my son an IT and I wish I would have confronted her and asked why she didn't help earlier when he daughter was following my son around with him increasingly getting distressed but I was just so upset that I took him and left.

I don't agree with her calling my son an IT but maybe she's right and I shouldn't take him out because he doesn't understand a lot - I just feel like a shit mum and I don't really know what I'm suppose to do with him. We've got all the referrals and I try my best for him and he needs to also go to places where he can play and have a nice time but usually people will leave him alone and he's fine... I don't know it's really hard having a SEN child and trying to keep everyone happy. I just feel like I've let him down.

OP posts:
MargotDeWitt · 26/03/2023 20:27

You did your very best.

She was an absolute cow.

End of.

NotaClue541 · 26/03/2023 20:27

YOU did nothing wrong at all. You are doing your absolute best in a very difficult situation. The other Mum was horrendously unreasonable.

user1484167681 · 26/03/2023 20:29

Oh gosh OP, please don’t take it to heart. The other woman was completely in the wrong, that was an outrageous thing to say and shame on her. She definitely should have been looking after her child better. I’m so sorry you had this experience. Your DS has every right to be in public spaces like that, and should also have stimulating experiences and the chance to develop. Try to put it out of your head.

When I was a child and playing in a furniture store with my younger SEN brother, an old lady told me he should be on a leash. I’ve still never forgotten her and this was 20 years ago! Bitter woman. Some people are just rude.

Fluffodils · 26/03/2023 20:30

Bloody hell that should be an arrestable offence. Seriously disgusting language from that mum.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 26/03/2023 20:30

Nothing worse than moron parents who don’t watch over their kids at soft play, then jump in on their behalf after they’ve been running riot.

Your son did nothing wrong, please don’t let one idiot affect you. He has a much right to be there as anyone (more right than annoying children who aren’t told no!)

Gooders1105 · 26/03/2023 20:31

That sounds so hard. You were in shock; it’s really not surprising you didn’t defend him. You sound like a fantastic mum.
you should take him to those places if he enjoys them; you both have every right to be there.
Maybe rehearse what you would say In future so it’s easier to say it.
I have two non verbal autistic children and I’m so much better at defending them now but wasn’t when they were younger. Fuck rude parents! Enjoy your gorgeous little boy.

PastaLaVistaBabee · 26/03/2023 20:31

I'm so sorry you went through that OP. You did nothing wrong and this lady ruined your day.

For future reference, if another child keeps pestering him in future, dont feel afraid to be assertive with the child and tell them to go away ("Can you go and find your mummy and leave x alone as he doesn't like you coming up to him.") You and your son have a right to enjoy your time at soft play.

This lady sounds horrid but don't let her make you feel bad. It's her nastiness and she can keep the bad feelings. Give your son a hug, and feel good about how lovely you are and how lucky you r are to have such a lovely bond with your son.

💐💐

TulipsLilacs · 26/03/2023 20:32

She was in the wrong. 2 year olds need supervision

Boringcookingquestion · 26/03/2023 20:32

I’m sorry this happened to you. You are not a shit mum, please don’t be hard on yourself.

The other mum was an absolute arsehole for calling your little boy an ‘it’ and should have stopped her daughter from pestering your son for both their sakes. It sounds like you did everything you could to diffuse the situation and it’s not your fault that she wasn’t parenting her own child.

katienana · 26/03/2023 20:34

You're a brilliant mum. She's a shit mum.
If anyone ever speaks to you like that again you'll be prepared to put them straight.
I'm sorry you were made to feel like that x

Nevermind31 · 26/03/2023 20:34

You shouldn’t let you don hit and push people, and you don’t. So why wouldn’t you take him to softplay? Rather than moving him though I would tell the little girl to leave him alone as he doesn’t like it.
and leave him where he is.
as for the mother - you don’t need to explain your son to anyone - “please remove your daughter from the vicinity of my son, she is repeatedly invading his personal space and he doesn’t like it”

Mondayblues23 · 26/03/2023 20:35

She sounds like an absolutely awful person.

You've got every right to be there with your son. I wish people would watch their own children at these things. Clearly the first time he pushed her away, her mum could see he didn't want her to keep doing it. She should have told her to leave him alone.

Don't worry at all that you didn't say anything else, it isn't easy to think of things on the spot and you by far look the better person for handling it like you did.

How can people be so vile. I can't imagine for a second responding to someone like that when they told me about their child.

Please please don't let that put you off. Most people would never respond like that!

Theunamedcat · 26/03/2023 20:37

Yeah I reduced a woman to tears because she had a bad headache and was in out-of hours my son was also in out of hours and has a piercing squeal I tried to keep him calm but long waits and additional needs don't mix out of nowhere she began screaming can't you PLEASE keep THAT CHILD under control I was so shocked (I didn't know she had a headache) I simply responded with "I think its obvious I cannot" I moved him as far away as I could after that and the receptionist had to prioritise her because the entire waiting room was glaring at her she was sobbing her husband walked away from her too another lady wandered down the corridor to reassure me I was doing fine and not to be upset by it all (I did have a little cry)

VivaVivaa · 26/03/2023 20:38

People who don’t supervise their toddlers at soft play/toddler groups/whatever are the worst. I think you would have been fully in your right to parent the child and tell her to move a long and stop bothering your DS. Easy to say but try not let it get to you - she sounds horrible and is completely in the wrong, not you.

User339406 · 26/03/2023 20:38

Her language is outrageous! Absolutely no excuse for that at all. I'm sorry that happened to you and your boy.

I would try to have a stock answer for that sort of comment so you have something ready to say. I imagine that in the heat of the moment you couldn't think of anything but now you're feeling angry that you let it go.

But you know, it's not your job to educate stupid, thoughtless people. Even though it probably feels like that responsibility has landed on you.

NicholJO · 26/03/2023 20:41

Hi op please do not stop taking your little boy out I'm in a similar situation my 3 year old girl is none verbal autistic also has pressure around her brain due to have major surgery soon my little girl is the same don't like other children near her gets angry and upset I'm ashamed to say but I used to not take her anywhere but now I include her in everything and she's slowly getting better in situations you did your best the little girls mum was a complete imbecile

Typicalof · 26/03/2023 20:44

You did nothing wrong. Take your ds back there if you want. It is her who should have left.
But there is nothing wrong with protecting your child from her and leaving. I would have prevent exposing my dc to an ignorant, bad mouth woman too.

Poppins2016 · 26/03/2023 20:45

PastaLaVistaBabee · 26/03/2023 20:31

I'm so sorry you went through that OP. You did nothing wrong and this lady ruined your day.

For future reference, if another child keeps pestering him in future, dont feel afraid to be assertive with the child and tell them to go away ("Can you go and find your mummy and leave x alone as he doesn't like you coming up to him.") You and your son have a right to enjoy your time at soft play.

This lady sounds horrid but don't let her make you feel bad. It's her nastiness and she can keep the bad feelings. Give your son a hug, and feel good about how lovely you are and how lucky you r are to have such a lovely bond with your son.

💐💐

100% agree with this. In the past I've asked other children to "be gentle please, as people don't like being hit/climbed on" etc. I've also been known to be quite firm "no, thank you, that's not kind, I'd like to see everyone using gentle hands please" if the first request doesn't work.

youmustbemad · 26/03/2023 20:45

She's the one who shouldn't be let out if she can't behave like a decent human being. Also, why on earth wasn't she supervising her kid? You can't just leave a 2 year old to it. I think I'd have been too shocked to know what to say to her too, tbh. That's appalling and I'm sorry it happened to you.

nofilteronme · 26/03/2023 20:47

Your son has as much right as any other child to enjoy soft play! Do not stop taking him out.

I'm sorry you had to meet this awful woman.

notnowdebra · 26/03/2023 20:53

The stupid cow should have been supervising her own child!

My Ds has similar needs, he's 13. It's not your job to keep everyone happy. It's your job to continue what you are doing with your Ds who sounds lovely. He's made his boundaries clear and you need to implement that for him. You are well within your right to approach parents and politely ask them to actually parent their child! You shouldn't have to but unfortunately that's the world we live in. You haven't remotely let him down, it's a huge learning curve and frankly I'm still getting the hang of it now!

Snoken · 26/03/2023 21:02

What a horrible woman. You did nothing wrong and you ds is entitled to go out and experience the world. Her responsibility was supervising her dd, she failed at that so feels she should blame you instead.

Noicant · 26/03/2023 21:03

She should have been watching her child, you explained and gave context, it’s on her. The little girl at 2 doesn’t understand either but it’s her mums job to look out for her not yours. Let your son enjoy softplay Xx

DevantMaJardin · 26/03/2023 21:05

This wasn't your child being unreasonable OP. I've had similar where nasty children have followed my ASD nonverbal toddler who makes all sorts of noises (they're car noises but no one else ever gets that because it's just screeches and grunts) and teased him and then been really upset at the consequences.

One particularly obnixious little girl of around seven or eight kept following him around and asking "why is it in a nappy?" "why does it have a dummy?" "It's too big to be a baby" then she pushed him and made him cry, and I was so angry that when her mum came and asked me what the child had done I just ignored her and left the soft play. I wanted to give her both barrels but I knew I couldn't without losing control of my emotions so I just couldn't speak. Sometimes the best responses arrive fully formed about six hours after the fact. You have my sympathies OP. Flowers

L1ttledrummergirl · 26/03/2023 21:15

Yabvu to think that you are a shit mum. Some people are arseholes and shouldn't be allowed out.

Small dc need to be supervised, a good parent does this, a poor one doesn't and then deflects.

I have a sibling who has been referred to as "it" when out and about. fortunately for the pathetic piece of shit that did this, they were with a less outspoken family member who doesn't like to make a fuss. Had I been there I suspect they would have learned a sharp lesson- I don't mind making a scene.

Flowers Don't take it to heart, it was her not you.