To be upset I didn't defend my son?

[Theepissedoff]

Hi all,

I went to a soft play yesterday with my 2 year old son. He's got a rare chromosome disorder which causes developmental delays, intellectual disability and we believe he is on the ASD spectrum.

He's a big lad too, cannot walk and is non verbal.

Anyway we were at the soft play and I was with him, helping and playing with him and then this little girl who was probably a similar aged to him came up to play but she got really close to him which sadly he doesn't like and he pushed her so I told him off and moved him away but this little girl wouldn't give up unfortunately she approached him 5 or 6 times with the same happening him pushing her away, me telling him off and moving him away.

By the time he really had enough and really pushed her away so she fell and started crying and all of a sudden her mum came rushing up having a go at me so I apologised and explained my son's disability and that he didn't understand and she responded with " Well if it acts like that maybe you shouldn't bring it out" and I was too stunned to speak I couldn't believe she just called my son an IT and I wish I would have confronted her and asked why she didn't help earlier when he daughter was following my son around with him increasingly getting distressed but I was just so upset that I took him and left.

I don't agree with her calling my son an IT but maybe she's right and I shouldn't take him out because he doesn't understand a lot - I just feel like a shit mum and I don't really know what I'm suppose to do with him. We've got all the referrals and I try my best for him and he needs to also go to places where he can play and have a nice time but usually people will leave him alone and he's fine... I don't know it's really hard having a SEN child and trying to keep everyone happy. I just feel like I've let him down.

If anyone’s a shit mum (and just an all round shit person) it’s the woman who sat back and did fuck all about their child annoying another child. You are doing an amazing job OP.

This is so sad. Don't stop taking him out . She should of been watching her and she would of noticed that he didn't want to play

She wasn’t supervising her child and only reacted when she heard her cry. You were on top of this, the little girl should have been stopped harassing your son. My ds can get rough if continuously annoyed. If he hits another kid in those circumstances I shrug and say oh well. You did nothing wrong. The only thing I can suggest in situations like that is when you move your son and the kid comes back use your body to block them, and ask them to move away. If the child won’t just stand in between them.

You are not a bad mum and she sounds like a horrible person. She also sounds like the kind of parent I absolutely hate at soft play; the kind that totally ignore what their kids are doing, even when they really are too young to be unsupervised (like 2), miss the absolute carnage that their little darling has caused and then is vile to the parent of a child that does the slightest thing to theirs (usually in retaliation to their child’s behaviour).
You are right to give your son the best experiences you can and if someone has a problem with that, that’s definitely a them problem not a you problem.

Ignore the Nazi.

I don't usually bring that one out as a descriptor, but she was demonstrating genuine Nazi-like beliefs. People with developmental disabilities were among the first to be dehumanised and targeted by Nazis, and denying him his humanity by calling him "it" reflects exactly that kind of mentality.

Please don't take it to heart. The woman was nasty. Her language was uncalled for.

In future you can nicely but firmly ask the other children to leave your child alone.

It’s not that you didn’t defend him, it’s that you didn’t cause a scene with someone who wasn’t even bothering until the last minute with her own child.
As far as your son is aware, you took him somewhere, played with him and then took him away from the cow and her soon to be a little shIT offspring.
I am sure you did something nice with him afterwards, and will again tomorrow?
He doesn’t think you weren’t defending him, as you were there for him and with him on his side the whole time.
It isn’t you two that shouldn’t be going out. Don’t let her behaviour make you feel guilty.
We have all been left in shock by others, and it is probably best not to engage further with these people, so the shock was a good thing in hindsight 💐

You did nothing wrong at all. You are in no way a shit mum. Your DS has just as much right as any other child to go out and play. Keep going out!

You haven't done anything wrong, OP. You did stick up for him, you were just better than her, because you didn't start ranting. Stay calm if it happens again and speak to a member of staff, they're not daft and will be likely to take your side.

I had a similar situation, a boy grabbed a wooden jigsaw frame from my daughter and she tried to get it back, so he hit her over the head with it. I said calmly, but firmly, "Don't do that, you hurt her. It's not nice to hit."

The mother scurried over and shouted, "She's no angel, she started it, he's only sticking up for himself!" Completely untrue.

I shouted back, just in reaction, then shut up and apologised to the room. I went to a member of staff to explain and apologise, she told me it was no bother, they'd seen it. She went to speak to his mother and they left soon after (they weren't thrown out).

I have a son with severe disabilities and while he didn't ever push people who got into his personal space any child two years young can be unpredictable! I only dealt with a couple very offensive people while my son was a young child -one joked I should 'lock him in the attic' I didn't say anything that exact moment but I did inform her supervisor (was a till worker) You're not a shit mom your son has every right to be out in public enjoying himself like every other child in the world. It's not easy being a mom and all the more harder as a sn mom-take care of yourself! Sending you a big hug. My boy is 22 now and it still shocks me he's grown up to adult age

This!!

All of this is a learning curve for you. And you were absolutely right that she could have intervened but let her DD continually come up to your son. She should have supervised her DD better.
You had every right to be there. But don't feel guilty about not standing up for him. Sometimes the right thing to do is extract them and not let them witness an unpleasant confrontation.
But this experience might well be the one that helps you answer people like her back calmly and assertively. She sounded like a horrible intolerant person. Her nasty behaviour was a shock and you rightly took some time to consider before reacting
You supported your son in the best way you could at the time and will probably be better prepared with a range of options for dealing with this sort of thing in the future.