To cancel altogether?

[PiscesScot]

Friend I’ve known for 20th years, we don’t see each other very often but maybe once or twice a year. A number of times we’ve made plans to meet which he’s cancelled last minute or asked to push back an hour or later as he’s running behind.

We made plans this week for him to visit around 1pm today. I suggested last night that we go out for lunch (my treat). He confirmed after 8am this morning that we would meet at the restaurant.

11.40am he messages to ask if it’s ok to change to 2pm. I said not really as I wouldn’t be eating beforehand. Got my
back up already then he says ‘ok if I get myself in gear I can be there by 1pm, don’t want you starving 😂’

i said let’s not bother if it’s too much effort to stick to a plan, let’s try again another time. He knows I have a family member in hospital for months now, and I said Sunday is my only day off (from both work & hospital visits) and I don’t need to feel like I’m putting somebody out.

he came back to say he didn’t think it was a big deal.

I said I felt it was disrespectful to message basically an hour before, to push back for no apparent reason.

Anyway I nixed the offer to meet & pay for lunch and have just had a pub lunch on my own so as not to waste the day.

AIBU?

Overreaction

Good for you! Him not thinking it’s a big deal just means he doesn’t value others people’s time. We all run behind sometimes but sounds like he couldn’t be arsed to be ready for 1pm. Plus he’s got form for it so it’s not like it’s a one off.

YABU he tried to compromise. Some people don’t feel so worried about being late- it’s the way they are brought up.

As someone who is early for everything, it slightly annoys me too but as he said he would meet at the arranged time, I don’t see what the drama is?

Like you I hate people when they change meeting times at last minute, probably with no decent reason, he probably didn’t realise the clocks were going forward.

I think in view of the back story YWNBU but don’t be surprised if you don’t see him for the next 20 years!

Your "friend" is a flake and has zero respect for your time. Or you, for that matter. He's proven that time and time again.

I have no use for people like this.

No it’s not.

There was no apology for being late / trying to change the time. The reference to “get my arse in clear” is a clear indicator he just couldn’t be arsed to get ready. He clearly values his own time more than OPs, it’s rude and disrespectful and OP was more than reasonable to say actually my time too too valuable to be fucking about like this.

I’m guessing you’re one of those people who constantly thinks your time is more important than others?

Did he get caught out with the clocks going forward?

I don't really see the issue - he asked, you said no and he said he could make the original plan 🤷‍♀️

No big deal to me.

So you missed out on seeing a friend and ate dinner alone because you had a strop? Go you.

I prefer to be a bit more laid back and flexible with my friends. It’s not work. Unless you had to be somewhere that meant it being an hour later, I think it was an overreaction. Up to you how you deal with your friendships but it’s not what I’d do.

Meant to say

Unless you had to be somewhere that meant being an hour later was a big issue, I think it was an overreaction.

He sounds well flakey. I cant be arsed with that.

he came back to say he didn’t think it was a big deal.

This would annoy me a very great deal I dead. I would make d*mm sure that I never arranged to meet for anything time critical ever again.

I'm so glad you went ahead and had lunch anyway. Hope it really was delicious and you enjoyed the whole experience after all.

Pub lunch by yourself in peace sounds ace.

YWDNBU in the context.

Sounds like you're just incompatible, OP. Is it really worth the aggravation of all this drama for someone you see very rarely? Some friendships don't stand the test of time and it sounds like this one may have run its course.

Drama over nothing!

@PiscesScot Did you book the restaurant for 1pm?

@RichardHeed

It was an HOUR, the clocks went forward. You seem very angry, I suggest you remove the giant stick from up your arse and go and meet the OP for a pub lunch, seems like a perfect match...

@patrickbatemansbusinesscard helpful 🙄

My ex best friend was like that. Always wanting to change times or being late. And I don't mean sorry I was stuck in traffic late, I mean he's at the gym a 30 minute drive away and we're supposed to be meeting at 12 and he texts at 11.55 to say "just getting in the shower then I'll be be leaving the gym".

And I wouldn't make a big deal out of it because I didn't want to spoil our time together but it was so rude, so disrespectful and made me feel so unimportant.

Just one of the many reasons I ended the friendship after 20 years.

YANBU, I have ADHD and massive avoidance issues. I am terrible at keeping in touch with friends via WhatsApp and texting and everyone knows this.

However, once I do make plans with someone, I do not cancel or make last minute changes unless it is unavoidable. It's a policy that has saved my friendships.

I don't think it is. It's not a reaction to someone saying they're going to be late, it's a reaction to an ongoing patern of behaviour that assumes OP will fit around him.
I guess on the face of it, he didn't cancel or arrive late and as a one off, I wouldn't mind him asking. Asking is fine. Expecting isn't.
Personally I'd have told him face to face how irritating this is. He might be totally unaware.

@DrManhattan

You wanting to meet them for lunch also

@JudgeRudy

He made a suggestion to move it till 2???? Christ ever been a bit slow and thought your pal might not mind meeting up a bit later.

I think you are being unreasonable. He asked if you could change the time. You said no. He said he could stick to the original time. I can completely understand time running away from you (just putting a wash on, doing the washing up, sorting out paperwork etc can easily add up) but he agreed to rush getting ready to make up time. I don't see why you had to cancel and go out to eat alone.

Good for you - I would have done the same.