To cancel altogether?

[PiscesScot]

Friend I’ve known for 20th years, we don’t see each other very often but maybe once or twice a year. A number of times we’ve made plans to meet which he’s cancelled last minute or asked to push back an hour or later as he’s running behind.

We made plans this week for him to visit around 1pm today. I suggested last night that we go out for lunch (my treat). He confirmed after 8am this morning that we would meet at the restaurant.

11.40am he messages to ask if it’s ok to change to 2pm. I said not really as I wouldn’t be eating beforehand. Got my
back up already then he says ‘ok if I get myself in gear I can be there by 1pm, don’t want you starving 😂’

i said let’s not bother if it’s too much effort to stick to a plan, let’s try again another time. He knows I have a family member in hospital for months now, and I said Sunday is my only day off (from both work & hospital visits) and I don’t need to feel like I’m putting somebody out.

he came back to say he didn’t think it was a big deal.

I said I felt it was disrespectful to message basically an hour before, to push back for no apparent reason.

Anyway I nixed the offer to meet & pay for lunch and have just had a pub lunch on my own so as not to waste the day.

AIBU?

clocks go forward every year, people know about it several days before I don’t think it’s an acceptable excuse unless this person doesn’t have a smartphone (they automatically update the time) it’s just plain rude to flake on a plan at such short notice and I wouldn’t have the time for inconsiderate friends like this.

"11.40am he messages to ask if it’s ok to change to 2pm. I said not really as I wouldn’t be eating beforehand. Got my back up already then he says ‘ok if I get myself in gear I can be there by 1pm, don’t want you starving 😂’"

He was due to meet you at 13.00 and at 11.40 he decides to put you back an hour. Not because he's stuck somewhere, not because his morning plans have overrun - but because he can't get his arse in gear.

And he has a history of pushing plans back an hour, so no, nothing to do with the clocks going forward today.

He's an arse. A disrespectful arse who is happy to have others hang around waiting for him (which always raises the possibility of it being some childish power play). There was nothing stopping him from being on time, it was a choice - a choice to not get his arse in gear. A choice to take his time, relax, which is so much more important to him than meeting an old friend.

And he is an old friend, of twenty years standing. But - an old friend is not necessarily a good friend. They're just someone you've known a long time. And maybe you've grown apart.

"he came back to say he didn’t think it was a big deal."
<Channels inner Mandy Rice-Davies>
Well he would say that, wouldn't he? Otherwise he'd have to offer an apology and accept he was being an arse. Which he is.

I hope you enjoyed your pub lunch. I sometimes like to take myself to a cafe and lunch alone, it's very calming.

I think you are unreasonable. It was one hour on a Sunday when you are both off work. He even said he could manage 1pm when you told him it didn't suit. So you went off in a big strop for him just suggesting a slight delay. Major overreaction. You only have yourself to thank for ending up eating lunch on your own.

Sounds like you wouldn't be fussed if you never see him again. Let it go. Life moves on.

Overreaction.

I think you overreacted a little.

He sounds flaky but amicable. That's most of my friends.

Annoying but the clocks went forward 1 hour today, so I would have given him a pass this time.

I’ve similarly decided to stop suggesting dates and times to meet up with a seemingly flakey old time friend, as it took them nearly 3 weeks to respond to say that the date I suggested wasn’t good for them as they would be celebrating one of their DC’s Birthdays. We don’t live that far from each other - 20 min drive. We’ve been discussing dates to meet up for just over 1 year now, so I’m well and truly done! I work in her town so we’ve even been considering a lunchtime meet when I’m working from the Office. Friend is involved in an online business, so has some flexibility/autonomy on that front.

We’re both busy, so I’ve just accepted that I’m not going to continue to unnecessarily waste anymore time messaging, sending voice notes, checking my Calendar, discussing childcare with DH for absolutely no reason.

@patrickbatemansbusinesscard if you re-read I've said asking is fine, so if it was my friend I might accommodate it but I'd be irritated eating an hour later however....as I said....the reaction isn't to this ONE event. Its cumulative. He didn't even need to move it, he just fancied moving it as he was rushing a bit. I think this is about setting boundaries.

You were unnecessarily confrontational. You could have just said 2pm doesn’t work for me, shall we reschedule for another time

No need to be a silly sausage about it

If he's done this a lot before and you've never objected then obviously he didn't think it'd be a big deal this time either.

I have a friend who cancels or changes about 2 in every 3 times we meet up. Occasionally it pisses me off, but I know well that until I use my words and broach it instead of saying
'no problem' then she has no reason to think it bothers me.

I think cancelling and flouncing out for the same lunch but alone is cutting your nose off to spite your face really. You could have found a mid-way point today and then spoken to him about his flakiness.

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I think it’s about 50/50!

I had said to him that I think we just have different perspectives and that that’s ok. I stick to plans and probably 75% of the time he proposes some change quite last minute (in my view).

I’m the first to admit that I’m quite rigid in that sense - once I know a plan it stresses me out to have it change. I get that not everyone is like that! To be fair if it had been a different scenario I might have felt differently - but looking forward to eating in 2 hours is one thing, knowing it’s now 3 hours is another (for me).

the pub lunch I had was ok…got served a different variant of what I actually ordered and only realised when I cut into it, but it was fine 😂 and I’m glad I got out of the house to do something for myself instead of staying in.

I'm a super punctual person, never late for anything, it's about my only stand out quality as a human being. I also take the view that if I can do it then anyone else should be able to as well but I have 2 friends who will be half an hour late, minimum, every time. 2 nights ago they were 30 minutes late to meet 10 minutes away from their house.

I like them though and just factor their inevitable lateness into my own plans (I normally arrive on time but with a 30m back up plan like going for a walk or something) cancelling on them would definitely be cutting off my nose to spite my face, because annoying lateness aside they are excellent people and they often bring cakes

I have a couple of friends who are flaky and disrespectful when we are going to meet up …genuinely cannot be arsed anymore and haven’t attempted to meet up with either of them for a while now!

I am a very punctual person, well if anything I tend to be early. But sometimes people need to tweak a plan and I do think that this was an overreaction. There was no need to berate him after he already said he would do his best for 1pm. I probably wouldn’t bother with you again if you sent me a text message like that.

That's not what compromise means. The friend changed the plans at the last minute. There is no compromise necessary, you just don't agree to something then be a flake.

But he didn't change the plans and he didn't flake out. He asked a question, the reply was no and he said he would do the original plan. Maybe his time management skills could do with some work, but he didn't actually flake.

YANBU - I find that kind of thing just plain irritating, especially if there is no real reason for it and it happens frequently. I just cba with the texting rearranging things that have already been arranged when I'm busy with other stuff.

I very quickly lose interest in people like this and I often find that it goes hand in hand with other character traits that I don't particularly like so...accept we're incompatible and move on/see them less frequently.

the pub lunch I had was ok…got served a different variant of what I actually ordered and only realised when I cut into it, but it was fine 😂

So you have a strop at a friend because they asked to move a meal to a later time (but agreed to keep it at the same time) but didn’t even bother to ask the restaurant to serve you the correct meal that you had ordered and had to pay for.

That’s some messed up logic right there.

I’d say you overreacted, but you do you. I’d probably have replied ‘let’s make it 1.30’ and would have started with a glass of Prosecco while I waited.

If he was tripped up by the clocks he could have said!

So when pushed he could get there in time.

He just wasn't bothered enough.

Nice idea! I was driving, and wouldn’t tend to start drinking alcohol on an empty stomach anyway. You do you though

Big overreaction. I think you’ll be eating alone quite often in future.

Absolutely this.

Caught out by the clocks lol? It's not the first time its ever changed is it? He didn't even use it as an excuse, he gave no excuse or reason.

Why are you being so snippy about this perfectly normal response?