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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel altogether?

88 replies

PiscesScot · 26/03/2023 14:07

Friend I’ve known for 20th years, we don’t see each other very often but maybe once or twice a year. A number of times we’ve made plans to meet which he’s cancelled last minute or asked to push back an hour or later as he’s running behind.

We made plans this week for him to visit around 1pm today. I suggested last night that we go out for lunch (my treat). He confirmed after 8am this morning that we would meet at the restaurant.

11.40am he messages to ask if it’s ok to change to 2pm. I said not really as I wouldn’t be eating beforehand. Got my
back up already then he says ‘ok if I get myself in gear I can be there by 1pm, don’t want you starving 😂’

i said let’s not bother if it’s too much effort to stick to a plan, let’s try again another time. He knows I have a family member in hospital for months now, and I said Sunday is my only day off (from both work & hospital visits) and I don’t need to feel like I’m putting somebody out.

he came back to say he didn’t think it was a big deal.

I said I felt it was disrespectful to message basically an hour before, to push back for no apparent reason.

Anyway I nixed the offer to meet & pay for lunch and have just had a pub lunch on my own so as not to waste the day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Crimeismymiddlename · 26/03/2023 17:38

I hate it when people change plans at the last minute. You did overreact and cancelling was too much. If you have always had an issue with how your friend changes/cancels plans just stop making arrangements unless you don’t care if you see them or not.

fairydust11 · 26/03/2023 17:47

PiscesScot · 26/03/2023 15:59

Nice idea! I was driving, and wouldn’t tend to start drinking alcohol on an empty stomach anyway. You do you though

Show quote history

You could’ve compromised and said 1:30?
Or just kept it at 1:00 as originally agreed as he said he could still make it?
He asked the question, you said no, why then cancel & go out alone? Cancelling so close to meeting up because he asked you a question about changing the time seems a bit flaky to me.

C152 · 26/03/2023 18:03

YANBU. You agreed a date and time and, knowing you have a family member in hospital and this was your only day off, he still wanted to delay lunch at the last minute just because he couldn't be bothered getting his act together to leave the house. It's rude and disrespectful.

BlastedPimples · 26/03/2023 19:41

Irritating of him to ask to change the time not least because it's typical of him.

I think you were right to bin him today. Perhaps next time he won't try and be flaky again. Your time is too valuable to be spent waiting on other people to get out of the house / bed in time.

In future though, when you arrange something with him, always build in an hour in your head in case he asks again to meet later. Annoying but could save irritation.

Merangutan · 26/03/2023 19:54

The comment about getting his arse in gear so he could make it on time makes it clear that he was nothing other than disorganised. When someone offers to pay to take you out for lunch, you don’t wait until the last minute to ask to move the time to suit yourself because you’re fannying about. It’s rude. So YANBU.

maddy68 · 26/03/2023 20:16

Massive over reaction. Why couldn't you have said 1;30 and compromised ? People have busy lives

Monstermunchmum · 26/03/2023 20:20

i wouldn’t be happy. If he needs to “get his stew in gear” then he is just being lazy and complacent rather than trying to get out and see you. You stood up for yourself and told him how it is, good for you. If he enjoys seeing you, he will make more effort next time.

Monstermunchmum · 26/03/2023 20:21

Sorry arse now stew…..

DarkDarkNight · 26/03/2023 20:23

If it was one time it would be an overreaction but as he does it all the time it shows he values his time over yours and thinks his needs trump yours.

It obviously wasn’t anything important as he could have made the earlier time after all.

RampantIvy · 26/03/2023 20:37

patrickbatemansbusinesscard · 26/03/2023 14:10

Overreaction

Of course it isn't. He is consistently flaky, so the OP decided not to put up with his nonsense any more

Cherrysoup · 26/03/2023 20:52

Messaging an hour before is out of order. Wh6 can’t he get his arse into gear??

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 26/03/2023 20:57

he asked to put the time back

you said no

he said ok

then you said nah let’s cancel

I think YABU

pishkashante · 26/03/2023 21:56

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 26/03/2023 20:57

he asked to put the time back

you said no

he said ok

then you said nah let’s cancel

I think YABU

I highly doubt he would have turned up at 1pm.

He didn’t say ‘it’s ok, I will get there at 1’. He was still messing around saying ‘IF I get myself in gear’. He was covering his arse because he knew he wouldn’t make it on time but still wanted a free lunch.

OP was right to no thanks.

Allblackeverythingalways · 27/03/2023 00:02

I drop people that don't value my time as much as their own.
Occasionally late? Fine.
Repeatedly late with bullshit/wishy washy reasons? Bin them off.

Bleachmycloths · 27/03/2023 04:46

I don’t think he’s really very interested in seeing you. Don’t contact him, then see how long it is before he makes the next move. ‘Never’ I would guess.

HAF1119 · 27/03/2023 06:16

I think not unreasonable, may make him realise you don't want to be cancelled or to have the time changed. He can either sort that out or if he needs to always be late/cancel in a friendship then maybe it doesn't work.

For what it's worth you can be brought up that way - I was. I was then late often same as my parents without much thought and I was told by someone annoyed by it 'if you can't be bothered to be on time when arranged I can't be bothered to see you at all'

I self reflected and stopped being a flake and realised how annoying it is. I also apologised

It still drives me mad that my mum is late every single time I see her by half hour or an hour and never ever even contacts to let me know! Luckily mine nipped in the bud when young but it is rude!

Takeitonthechin · 27/03/2023 06:22

Good for you op, he obviously doesn't value your friendship that much if he can't get his act together and be on time for a meet up.
I just wouldn't bother again.

justsoembarrassing · 27/03/2023 06:27

YANBU. So he could get there on time if he got his act together?

Why didn't he get his act together in the first place then?

He's rude!

Thehonestbadger · 27/03/2023 06:30

As a stand-alone incident it was an over reaction, but taking into account the back story and this being a pattern of behaviour on his part then no not an overreaction at all x

Autienotnautie · 27/03/2023 06:36

I would have said 2 is a bit late for me and let him decide if 1pm was doable.

PriOn1 · 27/03/2023 06:45

Your reaction sounds perfectly reasonable to me. His message annoyed you and it’s likely that frustration would have spilled over and spoiled the lunch for you, even if you had gone.

If he was a friend you valued highly, then meeting but explaining that his message made you feel disrespected might have been a good compromise. But from the sound of it, the friendship had run its course and this was the last straw.

I can sort of understand those saying it shouldn’t matter because he agreed to come at the right time anyway, but I would feel the same as you, OP specifically because of the tone of his messages. He had confirmed at 8am, so can’t have been caught out by the hour change. It was obviously no big deal to him to be there in time, he just couldn’t be bothered. And the flippancy in ”don’t want you starving 😂” is intensely irritating, especially that emoji. Unless you are great friends and he knew you would take it as a joke, it looks like an indication he is implying you are being a bit silly, but he’ll put himself out for you.

I’m glad you were able to treat yourself and could enjoy a meal out on your own. I would too. And ditching people who don’t respect you is generally a good thing to do psychologically. I hope you can feel good about that too. Having boundaries and sticking to them is something I am learning to do more with age. Women often put up with way too much bullshit. Wrap your self-respect around you like a warm blanket and enjoy it.

cornflakesandtea · 27/03/2023 07:26

I can't bear people who are like this. Why is their time any more valuable than yours? It's blatant disrespect and I think YANBU.

Would he even have showed up at 1pm? Or would you have gotten "I'm just leaving now, I'll be there in 30 minutes" when you're sat at the restaurant at 1pm and then have to wait 45-50 minutes for him when he turns up and says "oh I'm early! It's not 2pm yet!".

pinkfondu · 27/03/2023 07:35

The problem is for you this is another in a long list, for him it's this one time and only an hour.

I'm the same in that I feel quite disrespected to be messaged around like that.

He will have no idea it's bothering you this much.

In future tell him an hour early, if he makes it no harm in him waiting Wink

SkyandSurf · 27/03/2023 07:45

It's really annoying behaviour and I agree it's disrespectful.

I think you had made your point by saying you wouldn't move the time. You could have then met him in person and told him how annoying it is when he shifts plans at the last minute. Your friendship might have been better for it.

As it is, you've probably ended the friendship and he'll walk away thinking you're balmy for revoking an offer to pay for lunch because he asked to change the time. He won't realise it was the last straw and you haven't told him that's what it was or given him a chance to change.

savethatkitty · 27/03/2023 07:52

Yep, just another guy who feels his time is more valuable & important than yours. What do you get out of this "friendship "?

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