Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to want my sister to support me to leave dh?

88 replies

mehdismummy · 12/02/2008 21:15

after alot of crap of dh the last four years including violence and metal abuse i have finally plucked up the courage to go to see a woman at womans aid tomorrow. Today has been the final straw. It has been my birthday. He brought me nothing not even a card from ds. He grudgingly came out for a meal which i had to pay for then when i realised i was not going out rushed back to go out. Just phoned sister who thinks i am being unreasonable because its not fair on ds to be apart from dh and if i move back to my home town she wont see ds either. And thinks i should talk to him. This is hard enough as it is and now harder because i literally have no support. I actually left once because dh had hit me and went to her house and it was obvious that i could not stay with her as she told me the flat was not ds proof and i should go back. I am so upset just sat in bed with ds. What a bloody horrible end to a bloody horrible day.

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 16/02/2008 11:34

You are being unreasonable to expect your sister to arrange her work pattern around your convenience, even if you are having a hard time. If she were to do what you suggest, it would be a bonus, not something she owes you as a sister.

Do you really want to hang around having a drink at 1 am when you have to get up for ds at 7? Or have I misunderstood your post?

SupportiveBut · 16/02/2008 11:59

Gosh, YABVVU.

I think you are transferring your anger at your situation / DH onto your sister.

Yes, it would be lovely if your sister could help you out, but it is not her responsibility! Actually it sounds like you are being pretty toxic and demanding towards your sister.

I hope you get things sorted out, but at the end of the day, it is up to you sort your life out, not your sister.

Original poster

mehdismummy · 16/02/2008 12:38

actually no i am not demanding to her at all. Nor toxic. I am also not shallow enough to transfer my anger on to her. I always take ds to see her. And have always been supportive of her. Is it too much to expect a little support off your own flesh and blood. Ds is two now and she has never offered to look after him for even five minutes. She has not had a full time job for nearly five years now. So its not if she is busy? Are you seriously telling me if your sibling came to you after knowing she was suffering dv you would do nothing. I resent the fact you think that i am selfish to want help. Yes its my life but i am also under alot of stress. Have you ever been in my situation? How would you honestly feel if your sibling behaved like that?

OP posts:

SupportiveBut · 16/02/2008 12:59

Maybe you are not toxic & demanding of her, but honestly, that is how it is coming across in the post. Especially as you are making derogatory comments about how much she smokes, works, exercises.

Actually my sister has had a difficult situation recently, and I have given her lots of support. However, I wouldn't offer for her to live with me (she is staying in a Women's Aid Hostel), nor would she ask me or expect me to rearrange my working life around her. If I thought for a moment that she was making critical comments about me such as your post, I would be inclined to not want to bother too much with her.

Maybe your sister is picking up on your negativity towards her?

'I resent the fact you think that i am selfish to want help.' - I don't see any suggestion of that in my post.

SupportiveBut · 16/02/2008 13:02

Having said all that, I think it is really positive that you are getting out of your situation. I as I said before, I hope you get things sorted out. But if you are asking for opinions on MN, which you have done, not everyone is going to agree with you.

Original poster

mehdismummy · 16/02/2008 13:55

i dont actually drink. But it would be nice to sit down after a busy shift. I work in a pub. So even if i finish at one it still takes a little while to wind down. My sister only work four nights a week of twenty hours a week. I didnt make nasty comments about her. I said the doctor said she needed to eat healthy stop smoking. Excessise. I went with her to the doctor. He warned her she was putting strain on her heart. As soon as she got out of the doctors she lit up. And before you say it. She was referered to a counsellor to help her quit. But in her words she does not want to stop. She was the one who offered to have ds in the first place. She also goes round to a colleague house and babysit for her twice a week. When her dh left her she came and stayed with me for six months. Even though dh threatned to leave if she did. I have only said something this time all the other times i have just said ok and carried on as normal. I at least three times a week go to see her on a bus. She never ever comes here. Even though its fifteen mins on a bus. I dont expect her to rearrange anything. She offered. And as for the comment of to expect comments i might not agree with? What do you think i am twelve or something? Of course i know people have different views from me and your entitled to your opinions but you obviously think i am the one being unreasonable and i do not. Will not be asking sister for support because at the end of the day i will do it on my own. But when she is in the same situation she will find out the hard way.

OP posts:

SupportiveBut · 16/02/2008 14:46

Oh who could be bothered! If you are so certain that YANBU why are you posting?

Kewcumber · 16/02/2008 14:49

Suuportivebut - I think describing mehdismummy as "toxic" on the basis of what she has said here is harsh in the extreme. Are you reading between the lines and ascribing how your sister beahved in teh same circumstances.

She has the described the worst aspects of her sister - weight, smoking, no exercise etc but you extrapolate that into being toxic is mad. And she didn't ever say that she wants to move in with her, just for her to be supportive (as it is her sister is trying to persuade her to stay with her violent and controlling husband - I know which sister I would describe as toxic!)

I have come onto MN and moaned like a drain about both my lovely lovely mum and my sister, I'm not toxic to either of them . Being disappointed that a friend or family member cannot support you in a very difficult time when you have in teh past been supportive of them is not toxic - its normal. I have been pissed off with my sister about far less.

The more I think about your response to the OP the more I am. Again I can only think you are attributing actions that you are guessing to mehdismummy.

Mehdismummy - I'm glad the discussion with
safety net went well.

You might be pissed off that your sister can't be more supportive but you obviously arent going to get the kind of support you need from her. Good for you for being together enough to makes your plans to leave anyway. It takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing and I wish you well.

Kewcumber · 16/02/2008 14:54

SupportiveBut - I think you should change your name to Anythingbutsupportive. Does it matter where she posted the bleedin' OP [SHOCK]. This woman is posting saying that she would like her sister to stop trying to talk her into stayng with her H and to help her leave. She has made the decision to move out without any support except what she can get from a womens aid organisation and you're griping because she has disagreed with you saying she's toxic .

Blimey O'Reilly!

Kewcumber · 16/02/2008 14:58

SB - if you joined MN today - thats a pretty agressive opening comment?

Original poster

mehdismummy · 16/02/2008 14:58

thanks kew. If you cant be bothered supportive(did you name change just for this?) then thats up to you. I came on for support not insults. Perhaps you and my sister are better as siblings! And if you are not bothered. Surely you should ?! Will keep going on by myself regardless. Until i am happy that is what i am gonna do

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 16/02/2008 15:00

perhaps she's your sister MM

Original poster

mehdismummy · 16/02/2008 15:03

OP posts:

MuthaHubbard · 16/02/2008 16:46

I have been in a similar situation when my sister left her violent partner and stayed with me for several months.

I was the one who called the police the minute ex-p came attempting to kick our door in in the early hours. My dc, h and I all slept in the same room during this time and kept a baseball bat by the front door.

I am sure my sister would return the favour if I was in need.

Original poster

mehdismummy · 16/02/2008 17:10

now you are true sister. Wish you were mine

OP posts:

captainmummy · 16/02/2008 17:29

MM - it sounds as tho you have very few people to turn to, please dont think we are all like Supportivebut... she has obv not been in your situation ever. I think you will do much better with only yourself to rely on, your sis doesn't sound as if she can be arsed to help anyone, not even herself.
Talk to us on MN, we'll help!

Original poster

mehdismummy · 16/02/2008 17:54

thanks captain. Will keep posting because it has made mw life alot happier since finding mn.

OP posts:

Original poster

mehdismummy · 18/02/2008 08:46

feeling low again today. Asked dh if he could have ds on a daytime instead of three nights and got told no. He was gonna work. Asked him to help with cost of childcare and he refused. Explained i was exhausted and he said he did not care and i was the one who decided to have a baby so its my responsiblity. God i hate him

OP posts:

bigwombat · 18/02/2008 09:04

I finally split from my ex-h after years of violence and my family were completely unsupportive. After I told my Mum on the phone, she didn't call me at all for about 2 weeks! Then she said that she was so shocked that she and my Dad had 'been knocked for six' and couldn't call me. I don't hold it against her now... Anyhow, maybe your sister just doesn't have the strength to help you, not everyone is capable of dealing with tough situations. You are and with the help of people like Women's Aid, I'm sure you will get through. Have you had your appointment yet?

Jackstini · 18/02/2008 09:10

Hi MM - sorry you are feeling so low. Can you give Women's Aid or Refuge another call and update them on your situation? Sounds to me like you need to get moving sooner rather than later.
Re the sister thing, I don't think YABU to want the support, but it does not look like it will be forthcoming Even if she knows the situation, she probably doesn't realise how awful it is for you. Although tbh, this shouldn't make a difference. My sister came to stay with us for 3 months when she left her husband - and it was her fault, she had an affair. To me the fact she was my sister overrode everything else.
Good luck and sending lots of strength too.

Original poster

mehdismummy · 18/02/2008 09:47

no spoken to someone but she now gone on holiday. But have got an appointment with her when she gets back. It hurts so much to just be treated this way. I dont understand what i have done wrong. Ok maybe i got pg by accident but i have taken full responsibilty for this since. I have brought ds practically up on my own. I have not had a moment to myself since he was born. I cook clean do his washing ironing etc and i cant see what else i can do. I try to make him happy i really do.

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 18/02/2008 09:52

"Ok maybe i got pg by accident but i have taken full responsibilty for this since" - wasn't your DH part of the baby-making process then?

Original poster

mehdismummy · 18/02/2008 10:26

we were using the withdrawal method. I had been told i would probably need ivf as one of my tubes were blocked and i polycystic ovaries. He was a miracle for me. And something i had longed for. I did not go out to get pg. I did not think in my wildest dreams i would. When i told him he called me all names under the sun. Said it was not his and packed a bag and went. Phoned me and begged me to get rid of it. I actually went as far as doctors who sent me for early scan as they thought it may be eptotic. Saw ds heartbeat. He saw it too and still told me to have a termination. I said no and he went again. He was away for two weeks and then came back. Telling me he was back but i was fully responsible for baby and i brought everything for him. He did not come to scans and was not with me when i have birth. He changed towards ds when he was born and loves him with all his heart. I was so weak. I should have left him then. I had no support or anything. My heart is breaking as i type as i never thought my life would turn out like this. I imagined a dh who would swing me about when i fell pg. Who would love me. I feel it is my fault as my mum left us too. The only thing that keeps me going is my beautiful boy.

OP posts:

Jackstini · 18/02/2008 16:30

And your beautiful boy will keep you going MM.
Withdrawl method is not 100% - if he was bothered enough about no kids he should have taken more responsibility.
Maybe he does still hold ds against you but I think you know who the most important man is in your life and it's not dh.
No, life does not always turn out as we expect but I do believe things happen for a reason. I was devastated and ashamed when my marriage broke up, but 11 years later and I cannot imagine life without my current dh and little dd.
I hope one day you will meet someone who will give you the happiness and love you deserve. The first step is getting out of this relationship and I applaud you for having the courage to do this. Let us know how things progress

Original poster

mehdismummy · 18/02/2008 16:56

thanks jack. Your kind words made me cry. Will keep trying

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4