to want my sister to support me to leave dh?

[mehdismummy]

after alot of crap of dh the last four years including violence and metal abuse i have finally plucked up the courage to go to see a woman at womans aid tomorrow. Today has been the final straw. It has been my birthday. He brought me nothing not even a card from ds. He grudgingly came out for a meal which i had to pay for then when i realised i was not going out rushed back to go out. Just phoned sister who thinks i am being unreasonable because its not fair on ds to be apart from dh and if i move back to my home town she wont see ds either. And thinks i should talk to him. This is hard enough as it is and now harder because i literally have no support. I actually left once because dh had hit me and went to her house and it was obvious that i could not stay with her as she told me the flat was not ds proof and i should go back. I am so upset just sat in bed with ds. What a bloody horrible end to a bloody horrible day.

Your sister is afraid of violence coming to her door....and frankly who wouldnt be. Try to see her fears for herself and her family..after all its your husband and your situation. Unfortunatly (and I know this from childhood experience) family just cant deal with it, you have to do it mostly by yourself or not at all. I hope that you find the peace and safety you need.

TBH worrying about birthday cards and meals is the least important thing if you DH is that bad.

Medhismummy - I remember a thread you started before about the problems you were having with DH not helping you and treating you badly and not giving you any of his wages.
You are doing the right thing and the women's aid people will do everything they can to help you.
Having had an abusive partner for just a year and a half when I was at uni, I know a fraction of what you are feeling, and I think it can be tough for 'outsiders' to understand what it's like.
Stay strong and stick to your guns. My DH and SIL had an abusive father and I know SIL has been traumatised for life by his disgusting behaviour. DH was thankfully too young to remember - the sooner you can take your beautiful son out of this awful situation the better - stick to your guns sweetheart!
xxx

did you not read my previous points. My sister is married to my dh best friend. He would never ever disrespect him by turning up on his doorstep being abusive. My sister has no family apart from her and her husband. I was not worried about not getting a card i was saying that it was the final straw for me. I would do anything to help my sister regardless of how scared i was. She is not scared at all. Tbh with you i found your comments insulting. I am having a hard enough time as it is without more negative comments.

PS. Captainmummy is right. Do not underestimate DH and get out as soon as you can.
Again, not trying to frighten you, but having read this and your previous thread I just really want everything to work out well for you
{{{{hug}}}}

You say that your sister knows what you're going through. But I don't think she does. Not really. She probably thinks that its like when she and her DH have an argument but a bt more often and doesn't see why you can't put up with that. She really doesn't understand how all encompassing a violent/aggressive/bullying/controllng partner is. She doesn't realise that if you don't leave now that your self esteem might well be so poor eventually that you take the abuse you currently suffer and indeed far worse without even considering being able to leave.

This is no life for anyone. Not you, not your DS.

Even if you don't have your sisters support now, the woman form safety net will probably be very supportive. Hopefully in time your sister will be like Minkus and will come to her senses.

Good luck.

you are probably right kew. I do know i have to do this with or without her support. Hoping talking to the lady tomorrow will help a little bit.

Hi Medhismummy. I just wanted to say stay strong. I separated and divorced my first husband who was never violent but would come out with sly digs which made my self-esteem plummet. Like 'you're embarrassing' 'you would never be able to do x,y,z', 'are you going to start running with me?' implications of you are fat, brainless and embarrassing. Nobody else knew what was going on and to the outside world things were fine. When we split my own mother didn't speak to me for months because she thought I had disgraced her. She has since realised (when we started talking again) that she treated me appallingly and has apologised. Life moves on and scars do heal.
I have a reasonable relationship with her and am remarried with dd and pg with no2.

Sorry its rambling, but in my inarticulate way I am saying you can get through this. Bad relationships are destructive whatever the reasons and it is better to start a new life now while your gorgeous ds is too small to fully understand and bounce back.

sending you a big{{squeeze}} and more courage to help you carry on xx

thanks so much for taking time out tori to share your experience. Sometimes the verbal abuse is worse. Congrats on your pregnancy btw

omg just seen your pics what a beautiful beautiful child. Also you have the same reading tastes as me.

Yeah I am also a mad Martina Cole fan! I'm also reading Faces! Thanks for lovely compliment about dd. Take care of yourself and ds, don't listen to your sis, you will come out the other side.

thanks. Finished faces now so wont spoil the ending for you. Jeffrey deaver is also very good. Dd is truly beautiful. You better sign her up for modelling! Thanks again for your help

Tori32 - your story is not unique - it's one you hear over and over again. With hindsight do you have any idea why a man should choose you to be his wife, and then spend all his time putting you down? Is he repeating the pattern now with some one else do you think? Is he doing the same thing to dc? Strange that this illogical behaviour should happen so often.

beeper - sorry but

If you were my sister I would stand in the way of violence to defend you and protect you - even if it was by a so-called family friend.

elasticwoman I think it comes from insecurity, trying to make themselves look good infront of other people. Control because they fear you might leave. I did not have children with ex H, so have no experience of it with kids. We did speak after about 2yrs of being divorced due to family circumstances (he was married again and I wanted to attend his grandads funeral because had known him since age 4yrs) I knew his wife was pg and said jokingly 'lots of sleepless nights and dirty nappies then'. to which he replied 'oh, its ok, I'll be away for most of that!' He is RAF. Thats when I realised what a lucky escape I had had!
I just thought 'you are welcome to him'. I also get on well with ex MIL and she treats my dd like one of her GC . Both me and DH went over to their house at Xmas for dinner. She thinks new DH is lovely!

Muthahubbard.

My mother left my very violent father more times than I can remember. He was not only violent to her but also to me. Family helped at first and they allowed us to stay with them, but after 3 months of my drunken father kicking the door in at 3am they had we had to leave as it was not fair on them, they had kids of thier own who where being traumatised.

My comments where not negative. OPs sister is in a really hard place and I understand that she has her own marraige to think of.

It got so bad for my family that in the end we had nowhere to go and had to just live with it until my father decided to leave himself.

I just hope muthahubbard that should the day ever come that your family and friends need to move in with you for 6 months or a year you will stand by your assertion. Its just not that easy when it comes down to it.

beeper. When my sister dh left her on her own in france with no money etc. I paid for her to come home and let her stay with me even though dh was against it. I say it again my sister is not in a hard place at all. Her dh is very supportive to her and they now have a great relationship. She is weak. I am sorry your family did not help you but i would not care if it was six months or six years i would do anything to help her as im sure 95% of people would. I just think you think you think this because of your experiences. To the other posters who have been supportive. Lady from safety net rang today and was great. She has arranged for me to attend some groups and classes and also gonna write a letter of support for council. Feeling a bit more positive

Glad you're feeling positive. Keep going it'll be worth it.

Glad you're feeling positive. Keep going it'll be worth it.

Glad you're feeling positive. Keep going it'll be worth it.

oops obviously I'm feeling very very supportive today - triple post

lol at chris!

Hey if nothing else at least I can make people laugh!

I am supportive of you medhis. and I hope like I said in my original post that you find the 'peace and saftey' you need.

Be strong for yourself and give you and your kids the kind of life that they deserve.

Mehdismummy, you asked if you are unreasonable to expect support from your sister to leave your husband. I asked my 2 dds (age 11 and 13) how they would react if one came to the other for help after suffering domestic abuse. Each said she would go round personally and beat the abusive husband up! And then said, but if not, I'd go to the police and complain because GBH is against the law. And I said, even if you were married to the abusive husband's best friend? And they both said yes, and they would also have the sister come and stay with them.

So no, you are not being unreasonable. My dh did not approve of such conversation at the dinner table though, but luckily he doesn't always get his own way.

god i am so angry now. I currently work three nights a week from seven at night until one in morning. I find this very tiring as i get up at seven with ds every morning and he usually does not have sleep during day. Dh only looks after him between seven and when i get back. (i work downstairs in mw pub. He usually down there until seven and moans if i late back. So i cant have drink and relax after finishing a busy shift. ) so the other day i ask my sister if she could help out one day a week for four hours so i can do eleven am until five. Dh can come home early. She only works four nights a week and i am good friends with her boss as we did training together so he would do her rota to suit it. She recently has had problems with swollen legs. She been told by doctors that she needs to excessise more. Eat healthy and stop smoking(she smokes forty a day) she has done none of it. This am she says she does not know because she needs to rest(she does nothing else. And has not been to work for four days) and will have to say if she can help. And anyway i should be helping her by going round to see if she needs shopping etc. God i am so angry. Am i being out of order to just not speak to her until she start acting like a proper sister?