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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I have ruined my children's lives

58 replies

LessTeaMoreGin · 25/03/2023 13:51

18 months ago I increased my hours at work (a GP) and we moved in to our dream house: a 4 bed detached house with large garden and near to school (kids 10, 8, 5). Then just over 12 months ago my life imploded. I was burnt out with work and it led to a long time off work, a suicide attempt and a long mental health admission. I am now on two antidepressants, an antipsychotic and lithium. Have never had any mental health problems before. I have recently returned to work doing something different (cannot imagine being well enough to work) but earn between a third and a quarter of what I earned before, although this should soon be topped up by an income protection policy. We are on a fixed rate mortgage until September 2025 and can afford the payments at the moment but if interest rates change we may not be able to. DH is stressing about this and wants us to move. I see the logic but I feel so shit for uprooting my kids after a pretty shitty 12 months. We would probably have to move to a 3 bed (and our daughters share) or a 4 bed in not so great a location. AIBU for being really really pissed off with myself?

OP posts:
TheWayTheLightFalls · 25/03/2023 13:55

Your family want you with them, not x bedrooms or y location. Do what is sustainable for you and your family in the longer term, which minimises stress on you all.

JaneFondue · 25/03/2023 13:55

Please focus on yourself and take tome to recover. You have done nothing wrong. You have been ill.

Your DC will be fine sharing even if you move. I shared a room with my sister. We were fine.

CryHavok · 25/03/2023 13:56

YABU to be pissed off with yourself. You’ve song nothing wrong, it’s not like anyone would choose what you’re going through. Also, you did a brilliant thing by choosing the income protection policy.

WRT whether you should sell up or not I would definitely advise you to look at your options. It would be even worse for all of you if you were forced out with no plan.

Harping0n · 25/03/2023 13:57

You are being too hard on yourself. You moved with the best intentions. Mental health issues don’t decided to not appear because you can put them on hold.
Part of your recovery could be being kinder to yourself. Are you having therapy to look at the reasons behind your burnout. It’s an important part of recovery imo.
Work out the costs of moving - it may be that is expensive too.

Original poster
LessTeaMoreGin · 25/03/2023 14:04

Yes I am having therapy thanks. It was helping but recently things have gone backwards a bit.
I have asked DH to sit down with me and look at costings before we decide anything.

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 25/03/2023 14:07

This is a decision for next year I think, although good to look at options now.

Work on not feeling pissed off with yourself, you were ill - that is not your fault. You are currently recovering - self blame will get in the way of that.

Hbradley · 25/03/2023 14:10

you should be proud of yourself for coming this far. Your children have you on the mend and that is enough at the moment. Whilst you can afford things for as little while, don’t make any hasty decisions. Take care )

KittyAlfred · 25/03/2023 14:15

On a different note - Have you considered being a retained GP at some point in the future? You work a maximum of 4 sessions per week, tailored to your needs, and the surgery get reimbursed for part of your salary.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/03/2023 14:15

It’s just a house, a building. What’s important is what goes on in it. A happier family in a smaller house, with shared bedroom, is a much better choice than a stressed and miserable family in a bigger house where the adults worry about paying the mortgage all the time. All that would result in is each child locking themselves away in their own rooms to try to get away from the strained atmosphere.

i’d move like a shot. As long as you were happy with the area and didn’t need to move the kids’ schools, you will probably find it liberating to have a smaller house and garden to manage anyway. People often overstretch themselves financially to move into what they think would be their dream house and then realise they are working all the hours god sends to just afford the mortgage. They don’t have any time to keep the house clean and tidy or in nice decorative order, the garden goes to shit as they don’t have time to maintain it. They don’t have time to ENJOY their “dream house.” Spare cash for treats like holidays go out the window. You just lose CHOICE in how to live your life, and that in itself brings huge stress.

Really, is it all worth it? Not in my opinion.

Avarua2 · 25/03/2023 14:17

Moving costs and disruption may make a move not worthwhile.

If you haven't already: Talk to your bank. See if they can refinance to a longer term mortgage.
Ask both sets of grandparents to help financially. Sell stuff. Cut back on holidays. Get kids to choose one activity only. Drop donations/charity giving.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 25/03/2023 14:21

When it comes to increasing hours at work when you have kids, I would always suggest doing that a long time BEFORE moving to a bigger home. That way, if you find that working more hours in a stressful job just doesn’t work for you and your family, you can just decrease your hours again. But if you’ve already increased your mortgage along with your hours thenthat’s just double the stress and it’s then more of a hassle to go back to what you had before. But it’s not impossible. You just need to do what’s best for you all. And that includes EVERYONE. It’s no good putting your wishes last and just carrying on feeling under strain.

KEG05 · 25/03/2023 14:21

Op your children will want those mummy well. The size of house won’t matter to them in the big scheme of things. It matters to you. Having said that if you have a fixed rate mortgage I wouldn’t do anything just now. Look how much your life changed 24 months ago to 12 months ago. And then 12 months ago to now. A lot can happen in a year. X

sobeyondthehills · 25/03/2023 14:23

I would figure out the maximum amount of time you have till you need to make a decision, then have a look at it, once you got to half way.

So if you only have the money to cover your current expenses the next year and have to make a decision on moving in 9 months, come back to it in 4 months time.

Things are moving so fast with house prices, interest rates etc, we could be living in a different world in 4 months time, personally things might have changed for you as well.

Original poster
LessTeaMoreGin · 25/03/2023 15:02

I currently cannot face doing anything clinical. The mere thought of it makes me panic @KittyAlfred

OP posts:
Original poster
LessTeaMoreGin · 25/03/2023 15:03

@sobeyondthehills thank you, that is really helpful advice. DH makes it feel like we do it now or never but I don't think that's the case.

OP posts:
CryHavok · 25/03/2023 15:06

LessTeaMoreGin · 25/03/2023 15:03

@sobeyondthehills thank you, that is really helpful advice. DH makes it feel like we do it now or never but I don't think that's the case.

I don’t think rushing into anything is sensible, because if you’re on a fixed rate you may incur early exit fees (definitely look into that yourself) and as others say you have quite a lot of time yet

FoxCorner · 25/03/2023 15:14

People can't help being unwell. I bet you wouldn't be so hard on your patients. My daughters shared a bedroom although one is now at uni so they now only share in the holidays. It was fine. It might not be for everyone but we all had our own space during the day. Unless they've got school friends who've all got much bigger houses they won't mind.

AnotherCountryMummy · 25/03/2023 15:18

I'm so sorry. Please be gentle with yourself. What would you tell a friend in this situation? You've been very ill, this is wholeheartedly not your fault. Exactly the same as if you had physically hurt yourself meaning you couldn't work! Sending love 💐

NewtoHolland · 25/03/2023 16:04

You haven't ruined their lives..you are still here.

Sorry that you had to work in a rough system that burnt you out.

I agree with the poster who advised about halfing the max time and the really looking into it. Take some breathing space first to recover.

Original poster
LessTeaMoreGin · 25/03/2023 18:35

NewtoHolland · 25/03/2023 16:04

You haven't ruined their lives..you are still here.

Sorry that you had to work in a rough system that burnt you out.

I agree with the poster who advised about halfing the max time and the really looking into it. Take some breathing space first to recover.

Thank you, that's very nice of you to say. I find it very hard not to think that I have not impacted on them long term. I fear that they have been psychological affected by it all. I will try to take a breath.

OP posts:
pbdr · 25/03/2023 19:01

You're blaming yourself for an illness that is not in your control. If you had developed cancer rather than mental illness would you be berating yourself like this?
I'm also a GP and this is something I (and no doubt you) commonly see patients doing, so I want to remind you; this is something that happened to you, not something you did. You are the victim here, not a perpetrator. Please try to show yourself the same empathy and kindness that you would undoubtedly show to any friend or family member who was going through what you are.

Your kids are going to be absolutely fine. Kids are robust, and a single stressful period of life is not going to break them, when they have a loving family looking out for them. A lovely big house is a nice to have, but plenty of very happy childhoods have happened in tiny rented flats. As long as they have you and your love then everything is going to be fine.

Hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
LessTeaMoreGin · 25/03/2023 20:58

pbdr · 25/03/2023 19:01

You're blaming yourself for an illness that is not in your control. If you had developed cancer rather than mental illness would you be berating yourself like this?
I'm also a GP and this is something I (and no doubt you) commonly see patients doing, so I want to remind you; this is something that happened to you, not something you did. You are the victim here, not a perpetrator. Please try to show yourself the same empathy and kindness that you would undoubtedly show to any friend or family member who was going through what you are.

Your kids are going to be absolutely fine. Kids are robust, and a single stressful period of life is not going to break them, when they have a loving family looking out for them. A lovely big house is a nice to have, but plenty of very happy childhoods have happened in tiny rented flats. As long as they have you and your love then everything is going to be fine.

Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you and as a GP look after yourself, the other side is pants.

OP posts:
WorriedMillie · 25/03/2023 21:11

Hi
I have been through similar re MH issues and walked away from a well-paid role, taking a huge pay cut. I’m now coming out the other end and building up a career, far removed from the one I left, but fulfilling and hopefully financially rewarding in the long term
We managed to pay the bills, but it was bloody tough at times. Echo the thoughts that better you be here and have to re-think your living arrangements that the unthinkable alternative
DD is 10 and is thriving. I spent so long worrying that my experience had impacted her, but there is no evidence of this
Be kind to yourself 🌸

Original poster
LessTeaMoreGin · 25/03/2023 22:01

WorriedMillie · 25/03/2023 21:11

Hi
I have been through similar re MH issues and walked away from a well-paid role, taking a huge pay cut. I’m now coming out the other end and building up a career, far removed from the one I left, but fulfilling and hopefully financially rewarding in the long term
We managed to pay the bills, but it was bloody tough at times. Echo the thoughts that better you be here and have to re-think your living arrangements that the unthinkable alternative
DD is 10 and is thriving. I spent so long worrying that my experience had impacted her, but there is no evidence of this
Be kind to yourself 🌸

Thank you, so nice to hear that you are doing so well x

OP posts:
samantha0709 · 25/03/2023 22:08

My mother had a sudden very serious mental health issue when I was 6 - 8 years old. I knew how unwell she was, well as much as a child could understand, and it was frustrating at times and I can't pretend it didn't have an impact on my childhood but more than anything I wanted my mummy to be well. I wanted us to have fun again and for her to feel better. We had to move to the other side of the country, from a big Edwardian house near all my friends to a much smaller, simpler house. I did not mind. I was glad to move if it would help my mum. Which eventually it did. She stayed home for a few years, which I really liked. And then I was happy when I started secondary and she went back to work. Really pleased she was able to do that and as a 30yo adult I'm so happy and proud she got through it. Your kids just want to be with you!! ... though if there's any way to stay put while still recovering that might be for the best?